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*This isn’t for the FLDS or any communities of people where polygyny is a part of everyday life. They don’t need this post at all. This is for those of us who are living in places where polygyny is either new, or taboo, or largely unknown.
People with young children will be able to transition into polygyny pretty seamlessly, because young children don’t know anything about monogamy or polygyny, they only know the culture and world you build around them. Children older than 9 will probably have to be re-educated if you haven’t begun having conversations with them regarding multiple wives already.
With younger children, it helps if you have a belief system of some sort where there are people that have more than one wife. Bible stories feature men that have multiple wives, and of course the Quran has Muhammad, with all of his wives. There are African stories from various tribes that talk about multiple wives. All you have to do is speak about it and let them know it’s something that happens, it’s regular, and, according to your beliefs, it’s allowed/okay for your family to do it.
With the older ones, educating them on the subject of polygyny along with the stories is good. Because if you’re new to this and are just now pursuing it, you have to acknowledge that almost never in your child’s life have they seen or heard of a man having more than one woman outside of cheating. Also, you must expect them to have opinions on it, already. You have to allow them that but you must also CORRECT their view — there’s nothing wrong with polygyny among consenting adults. It will be harder because children of this age, if they aren’t homeschooled, typically care a lot about what their peers think. The fear of being seen as different may cause them to be totally against your polygynous leanings. Their concerns must be taken into account.
Always keep open lines of communication with your children; if and when you actually get into a polygynous relationship, sometimes stop and ask them how they’re feeling, how they feel about it, how they feel about the person/people you’re courting, etc. Take their responses into account, if they don’t like the person or the situation, delve into that and consider their motives (if they’re OKAY with polygyny but they’re like “Mommy — not THEM!” find out WHY).
Children must be instructed to respect all of the adults in the marriage. And for the adults, you should do best to keep a united front on all things in front of the children. I would advise this for all parents, regardless of relationship structures. Families, They are not allowed to disrespect your new wife. Women, they are not allowed to disrespect your new husband. Nip it in the bud and show consistency in your actions about that any time they may step out of line. If you treat children fairly and with equity amongst them, you shouldn’t have any issues out of the ordinary with them.
These are my suggestions!! Be Blessed!!
I can’t help but notice some things so please allow me to make some statements that may or may not be received well — I don’t know how any of you will receive it and while I’ll attempt to maintain decorum and be as politically correct as possible, I’m going to probably still hurt your feelings either way so let’s rip the band-aid right on off, shall we?
Some of you are unrealistic about polygyny. You’re desperate and you’re running full-speed ahead, no-holds-barred toward your future polygynous household — and what you don’t seem to understand, is that what you THINK it’s gonna be, is based on FANTASY and FAIRY-TALES!
It would be great if people would understand themselves BEFORE they get into polygyny, but some of us won’t get it until we’ve actually tried it for ourselves. But you need to do your BEST to understand yourself RIGHT NOW before you move forward.
What kind of person are you? Are you kind? Are you able to balance? Are you patient? Can you be a friend? Are you able to be FAIR?
Everyone needs to ask themselves questions like these and REALLY be honest with yourselves before you move into this.
Do you realize that women are not cardboard cut outs? Do you realize they’re NOT all the same? Do you realize that, if you have one wife already, chances are wife two is NOT going to be like her? And neither is wife three? Are you ready to contend with their different emotions, sensitivities, likes and dislikes? Are you ready to contend with your OWN emotions, sensitivities, likes and dislikes when you find out that this person that you thought was going to be all this is NOT going to be all of what you thought?
Are you able to be fair THROUGH the FACT that, since you’ve been with Wife A for x amount of years, you may find you prefer HER ways and Wife B MAY NOT CONFORM to the same ways that Wife A has? Because UNLESS you taking women directly out of their father’s houses, these women have been adults for a long time and already have “ways” that they are (“I’m just that way; that’s how I am”). Are you able to STILL deal with her FAIRLY and give her her DUE when that happens IN SPITE OF the fact that you NOW realize you prefer Wife A’s ways and that you IGNORANTLY assumed that when you got Wife B and C they would just come in and conform??
First wives, are you able to understand that EVEN if you and sister-woman are like besties when you meet, that you’re gonna get in there and you’re going to find places where you just don’t agree? Are YOU able to be fair if you find out she’s NOT going to be your bestie like you thought, because you get your nails done and she’s not interested in getting her nails done? Are you able to be fair when you find out your differences?
Wives coming in/Potentials — are you able to understand that fact that if you’re joining a family already-in-progress that they are gonna have their ways and their speed? Are you able to understand that they TOO, are NOT cookie cutter cardboard cut outs of happy families? What are you going to do when they disagree with your methods? What are you gonna do, when they disagree with EACH OTHER’s methods? ARE YOU GONNA BE FAIR?
Polygyny is NOT easy, and you’re not gonna just be good at it just because you say you are or you THINK you are. Some of you are single or in currently-monogamous relationships and you ALREADY not dealing fairly with the people you claim to love or have made a commitment to.
… so many of you are DESPERATE and you don’t even know what you’re getting yourselves into. You’re desperately seeking fantasies of Big Love and Brother Polight.
Not to MENTION the FACT that, while in the world and in the COUNTRY there are significantly more viable black women than there are more viable black men, when it comes to black women in America that choose polygyny as their relationship dynamic, there are more families looking to add on a wife than there are women to go around! Men and families come in to these facebook groups and they put up a status “Who wants to be the wife of a righteous Hebrew/Muslim man?” “Women in Colorado, inbox me!” “Are you pro black? Because I’m pro black – let’s get this black love going! Message me!” Even if they go so far as to put an entire bio on them and their current family stats — THAT DOESN’T MEAN WOMEN ARE JUST GOING TO FALL INTO YOUR INBOX! Just because you’re Hebrew and she’s Hebrew does NOT mean she’s meant for you! Just because you’re pro black and she’s pro black does NOT mean she’s supposed to come your way! There are 5 other people — 3 other families and 2 other single men — vying for that woman, JUST LIKE YOU.
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
No.
Everything you’re moving toward — everything you’re thinking about when it comes to polygyny — is predicated on fantastical bullshit.
…and I know you guys want the REAL-real — you want to hear from real life polygynous families and what they go through, because you think it will help. but IT MAY NOT. It might not. The human ego is a HUGE thing. Husbands will look at that family and tell themselves “I’m just like HIM”and they’re NOT — women will look at the wives in the family and say “That is SO me!” and they’re NOT — because if you don’t live with those people and see them for more than a few hours in a day you don’t have any idea WHO they are OR what they’re actually like, you only see a portion of who they are, they only tell you about a portion of themselves, their love for each other is too complicated, their arguments are too complicated, their lives are too complicated for you to REALLY “see yourself” in these people.
Sometimes those that have done polygyny or are DOING polygyny can look at what people post in here and we already know who is PROBABLY not cut out for this.
There’s no point in telling you this, because you’re not going to LISTEN, you still want to TRY and when you TRY you will find out the truth of the situation and you’ll understand yourself THEN — the REAL you that you couldn’t see — and you’ll either put your adult drawls on and do your best to be a good person in spite of yourself, or you’ll make all the mistakes I’ve loosely mentioned.
But I hope you understand ONE point I was trying to make — don’t play with people’s lives, don’t play with their hearts and emotions just because YOU don’t know who YOU are. You can’t move a woman in, and THEN find she’s not a good fit and send her on her way. You can’t bring a sister in as your co, THEN feel some type of way when she doesn’t agree with your disciplining methods , and then want her gone. You can’t join a family, and then when you see all the shit they got going on, want to back out.
Do what you can to TRULY know who you are and what you can handle. You’re still not going to know until you get off in there, and really some questions and some things just can’t be answered until you get in the thing and then and ONLY then will you know and understand yourself.
But know I TRIED to warn you and I TRIED to get you to look within…
I think a man, when courting a woman, should prove that he is financially able to provide for her to some extent, if she should warrant that.
I think that should happen in all relationship dynamics. This isn’t being a gold digger — it doesn’t mean she’s asking for riches and big houses and luxury items.
Men are the providers. They provide. They go out, they face the outside world, they do the hard things it takes to bring wealth to the family.
Why is he not supposed to prove that to a woman he’s trying to bring in as a wife? Why should that woman just “trust” that he’s got it all together? Because he MIGHT NOT.
I see men asking “What does she bring in, other than her vagina?”
-_- That certainly belittles what a woman typically brings in.
No one’s going to like what I’m saying on this.
But I’ve said it before.
Wives are luxury items.
Not every man deserves a wife if he can’t take care of one.
Think of wives as luxury items. She’s gonna come in, she’s going to be pretty to you, she’s gonna smell good, she’s gonna be soft, she’s gonna be sweet. You’re going to want her softness and you’re going to want to smell her, you’re going to want her companionship, her sensuality. She’ll clean, she’ll cook, she’ll mother and nurture your children. She’ll nurse all of you when you’re sick.
And yes, she comes with a vagina.
Wives — good ones — are luxury items.
Don’t belittle that position. And don’t think you just deserve one just because you want one. Don’t think she just has to take your word for it that you can provide well for her. SHE DONT KNOW YOU and wont know you until she’s apart of your household, monogamous OR polygynous.
You want her to do her job and prove she can do it? Fine.
But you do your job and prove you can do it, too.
And don’t give me all that “I can cook for myself and nurse myself” Nonsense. Alot of women can change their own flat tires and fix the leak under the sink these days, too.
But it’s SOOOO much nicer when you have a woman that can cook and nurse you; just as it’s soooo much nicer when a woman can depend on a man to fix her flat, change her oil, and get that leak under the sink.
(This is all in the traditional sense of man and woman and their stations — if you’re not into that, ignore me)
Our businesses have us parents (mommies and daddy) working almost around the clock — my co works at the store most days, and I work from home for my husband’s company. Before the summer came, I was still trying to homeschool AND do the work the company required, but I became overwhelmed. My husband’s suggestion was to let the children have summer break — “Other kids break for the summer; they can, too.” So we did that. Now summer’s done for public school children, but I still have the same workload I had before.
But today, I just had enough. I MISS MY KIDS. I miss educating them, I miss talking to them about fundamental things. This summer we’ve had a blurb here and there — we’re an education-on-demand kind of family, so if a child asks an educational question, we stop everything, look it up, and discuss it. But I miss having that carved out time to our day.
So I forced myself to carve out some time — even though I was stopping to take phone calls, work on spreadsheets, and send and receive important emails. I was happy to find that the remembered pretty much everything from where we left off — that made ME happy, it means to ME at least that I’m doing a good job.
You want to open a business in order to generate income to make it easier for your family, you want to open a business in order to give you more time with your family, you want to open a business in order to leave a legacy of some sort to your children — but that business has to be BUILT.
My sister in law is coming on board to assist with husband’s company — that will free me up slightly but it will probably be another month after she comes on before she is acclimated and I can fully step away from the portion she’ll be taking over. I expect that. But after THAT, I expect to be able to give homeschooling more time — we can unschool, and that’s okay, but I’ve never wanted to fully unschool. I believe little structuring and guidance is needed.
That’s all I wanted. We’re so very busy around here! *I* think we’re pretty much a blended family. We’re getting there. Nobody’s perfect around here! But we’re striving to become one unit. That requires patience on one part, and discipline on the other. It also requires us to WANT for that to happen.
She (my co-wife/sister-wife) is probably my best friend right now. I have my best friends but we’re all so busy and our lives aren’t exactly looking the same these days, so we don’t talk often, although we love each other very much. But she and I are living the same life, pretty much, everything we have and everything we are is intertwined, because we are loving the same husband.
She’s actually under the weather today (VERY — she threw up a few times this morning and NO IT’S NOT MORNING SICKNESS, it’s a bug because the kids have all had some form of it in the last couple of weeks). I’m not a doter, I’m not a helicopter type of person, but I’m trying to make sure she’s hydrated, and make sure she’s okay to go to the store. She went to the store, but I was willing to go, AND take my laptop with me to work from there, if I needed to.
Okay it took me all day to type this up because I’m so busy so let me get back to it! I gotta find out the dates for Yom Teruah and Yom Kippur!! I hope I’m not too late…
Blessings!
loy·al
ˈloi(ə)l/
loy·al·ty
ˈloiəltē/
noun
-
the quality of being loyal to someone or something.“her loyalty to her husband of 34 years”
-
a strong feeling of support or allegiance.plural noun: loyalties“fights with in-laws are distressing because they cause divided loyalties“
synonyms: allegiance, faithfulness, obedience, adherence, homage, devotion
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…and in all I said in my last post, I left out an important ingredient: Loyalty.
It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you believe, how smart you are, how productive you are, etc — if you don’t have loyalty it doesn’t mean anything.
Now — me, as an individual, I expect people to have loyalty to me — friends, family, teammates — I EXPECT that. And I’m extremely disappointed when I don’t find it. If I let you in to Me and My Mentally-kept Inner Circle, and you are not loyal — you’re kicked out. I may eventually let you back in. But it takes some time.
If you hurt one of my CLOSE friends, I’m gonna be ANGRY at you and I’m going to protect my friend from you and defend her from your attacks.
As a family unit, we’re big on loyalty. We love the loyal, and are loyal in return. There’s that meme that’s going around that’s deciphering jealousy from territorial — we’re territorial with our loyalty.We don’t care WHAT’s going on between us and you — if someone goes after you or does something to you, we’re gonna defend against it.
I don’t play that about “My People”. My besties and I may be arguing (we’re not lol — but for example), but come after them lol I’ma be on you.
So yes. If you want to come this way, please bring your loyalty and please expect us to be loyal to you and protective of you, no matter WHAT is going on.
…just wanted to say that…
It’s been a while! Hello!! How are you? I pray that you are well!
We’ve been BUSY! I’m busy right now – I’ve been meaning to blog since early this morning, and it’s nearly 2:30pm.
It’s all business-work, family-work, etc.
Anyway – I found something I wanted to talk about, so I’m here. This may take me all day to type up! But I’m going to do it.
We aren’t FULLY looking for a sister-wife. But I wanted to make a list of preferences that we’d want IN a sister-wife, should we start actively looking. (situations fall in our laps whether we’re looking or not)
EVERYTHING on the list are things that I pretty much already am – it’d just be great if someone else was ALSO these things. Basically – I’m not asking you to do anything I don’t do, or I can’t do. I’m already doing everything. We do NOT want a 80-20 situation – where one woman is 80% everything and the other one is only 20% everything. If I’m 80% everything, you need to be 80% everything, too. You don’t HAVE to necessarily be proficient in every area where I am also proficient. If you’re better at math than I am, so be it. I’m OKAY with math (like, fair at math *scrunches up nose*). But if you’re great at math, that’s good. But we need to both clean at the same proficiency or better, and we need to be at around the same level of focus on business (or better!).
You have to be pro-homeschooling, whether you have kids or not. You have to be pro-home cooking – it’s really hard when you’re not down for home-cooking all the time and people are always cooking at home. You have to be able to cook, too. You have to be into helping to generate an income – that means sharing the work with us in our businesses. If you have a business, we’ll share the work with yours as well, if you prefer that.
You should be into hair – we own a beauty supply store! 😮 If you’re willing to LEARN about hair, hey – I could talk hair for hours.
We’d prefer you to be Hebrew or Hebrew-ish. You have to observe the dietary laws in the Bible. You have to observe the feasts or be open to it. We don’t celebrate Christmas or Easter, or Halloween, for that matter.
The max on the kids is 3, I think. It’s negotiable, I suppose. And if you are unable to have children, that’s fine, too. What we’re AGAINST is baby-daddy drama.
Physically – you have to be of African descent (meaning African-American, Caribbean/West-Indian, Afro-Latino, African-European, or actually FROM Africa). We lean toward slim-athletic. Height-weight proportionate. We are slim-athletic in build – him more than me, because I’ve had 3 babies and I’m a woman in my 30s. A figure is something he likes. Skin tone is not an issue. Hair texture/length etc is not an issue. Facial features are not an issue – if he finds you attractive then, hey. We work out on occasion. We COULD work out more, and that’s the plan, is to work out MORE. We eat vegetables and fruits just about every day. Neither of us are overweight (I’m just over the weight *I* like to be).
You notice I don’t say “healthy”. I mean what people consider healthy is relative. We drink coffee. We drink alcohol. But we drink A LOT of water. And we don’t buy soda in the house (or oreos).
We are survivalist/preppers. You have to be on that vibe, too.
You should have or get a passport. We travel and when we travel we tend to leave the country. The plan is to move out of the country eventually. So we hope you’ll be willing to do that, too.
We know that women have their personal plans and goals as human adults. Conversations need to be had. We’re not chasing big houses or fancy cars – we’re facing legacy, security, freedom and peace. (I don’t personally intend to have a house larger than 3500 sq ft, no matter how much money I have. It’s like the opposite of claustrophobia with me! Large spaces scare me if there aren’t people in them. I’d have to have a large house full of family and friends for me to be comfortable.)
I am not catty and rarely petty, ESPECIALLY with people I live with! I say good morning when I wake up, and good night before I go to bed.
We’re not looking for a maid or a baby sitter (we’re talking about hiring a maid anyway). We’re looking for another PARTNER. As I said, I’m already doing all these things and the only intention I have when we get another wife, is to scoot over so she can have space at the desk and continue to work toward goals, lol.
If it all sounds impossible to you (while I’m over here DOING all of this), then we’re not the family for you. If it sounds do-able, then perhaps. At that point it’s about how people vibe with each other.
Sometimes in polygyny you hear of the initial couple having a “fail-safe” of sorts, where, should any feelings change about this lifestyle at some point in the future, they will revert back to their monogamous relationship. The fail-safe is made due to the fact that the couple in question is knowingly getting into uncharted territory, and are unsure as to whether or not they’ll like it once they get in it — so they are attmepting to reserve the right to stop it and revert to monogamy simply based on if polygyny becomes emotionally stressful on them.
Sometimes this reversion happens when the couple is about to add or has added another wife to the family. This fail-safe, when enacted, has the potential to leave the subsequent wives/wives-to-be SOL. It doesn’t hinge on whether or not the subsequent wife has done anything wrong — it hinges on the feelings and desires of the initial COUPLE (which isn’t always based on reason and logic). This fail-safe indicates that the relationship between the husband and the initial wife is the most important, and that the relationships between the husband and any other subsequent wives is less important.
“Couple’s privilege” is something the polygynous world has yet to define. Polyamory/Non-monogamy/open-relationships have already established this as a “thing” that is in existence in some situations.
Let’s look at the definition from “those people” (lol) and convert it to relate to us polygynous folk, shall we?
Because it’s here, already. Whether explicit or implicit — it’s already here and for some of us seeking polygynous relationships, it is an active part of these relationships.
This is the base definition from this blogger “Solopoly.net” — Couple’s Privilege is “The presumption that socially sanctioned pair-bond relationships involving only two people (such as marriage, long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, or other forms of conventional intimate/life partnerships) are inherently more important, “real” and valid than other types of intimate, romantic or sexual relationships.” (http://solopoly.net/2013/02/05/couple-privilege-having-it-doesnt-necessarily-make-you-an-asshole-but-it-can/)
… “couple’s privilege” runs rampant in our “first-generation polygyny” community. Those of us that were not raised around polygyny, but are accepting of it or want it for ourselves, see this exhibited in our circles all the time — women who thought they were wives are kicked out because the first wife as pulled out her couple’s privilege card at some point during the family’s polygynous journey, and the husband has responded and has asked the other wives leave. Or a sister is being courted seriously by the husband in a family, then the husband cuts it off because — no matter how he likes her — the existing wife has pulled out her card, woman-be-damned.
And OFTEN, the existing wife doesn’t feel WRONG, the husband doesn’t check her in her wrongness, and a wife/potential wife is left out there like — what happened, who did it, and why.
Subsequent wives/potentials are expected to UNDERSTAND why this would happen, and are made to feel as if they are in the wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed (OFTEN by a man who’d said he LOVED her…).
The existing wife sometimes uses this privilege as leverage in the selecting of other wives, using it as a tool that allows HER to decide which woman she’s going to “let” into “her” family.
What she’s actually doing is leveraging someone ELSE’S marriage, whereas her own was never done like that — no one was there to successfully change the husband’s mind on the existing wife’s marriage to him, based on “feelings” and “emotions”.
How, then, can the incoming women be sure that this will never happen to them? Can she ask if the couple has this fail-safe in the deck for a J.I.C. (just in case) situation BEFORE she gets in deep with them? And will the couple be HONEST about having such a thing?
Because to have that sort of agreement does not benefit an incoming wife and her security in HER relationship with this man, or her position in the family, AT ALL.
It’s unfair. Subsequent wives/potentials are asked to consider the existing wife’s stance, when the other woman’s/women’s stance needs to be considered as well.
It’s like everyone initially seems kind and good and loving and selfless —
— until the situation gets a little uncomfortable —
— then people find they aren’t so kind.
They are not so selfless.
This should be discussed! Is it EVER a good thing?
“Hm…now that he’s all up on her, I’m a tad uncomfortable…ah-heh…”
‘I Would Never…Go Back to Being a Monogamous Wife’
Polygamous women speak out in defense of their lifestyle.
In April 2000, the authors contacted more than 700 plural wives, asking them about their experience. They were promised anonymity because it is against the law and currently being prosecuted in Utah. Within six weeks, they received more than 100 responses. The comments were reprinted, organized according to the age of the respondent. Here is one from RS, a woman between 41 and 50 years old.
“I would never ever, worlds without end, even if I could control all events, willingly go back to being a monogamous wife. Even if I were to discount the possibility of eternal blessings, the blessings I enjoy here in this sphere are enough to cause me to become a she-bear when someone threatens them.
“As the only wife of a good man, I had a good marriage. We got along well, and our children were emotionally healthy. But at times I felt an unspoken demand to be all things to my husband: a great cook, an organized housekeeper, an inspired home-schooler and an individual who kept up with current events, pursued her talents, never fatigued, always remembered details, kept the family social calendar, emptied the mending and ironing baskets daily, never overspent, looked appealing at all times and looked forward anxiously for the moment he walked in the door. I tried to be all things, and my husband told me constantly that I was loved and appreciated. But I worried privately that my lapses stood out more vividly than my achievements.
“After a second wife entered the family, I saw my husband’s eyes full of new respect and approval as he looked at me. This approval came NOT from my willingness to let him have another wife, but from his deepened comprehension of who I was as a woman, what strengths and gifts I had that were not an automatic part of simply being female genetically but were uniquely mine. Suddenly, I was seen as I had always wanted to be seen.
“Our relationship improved in other ways. Simultaneously with the second marriage, we had to revamp the way we spent our time together. I couldn’t be more cheerful tomorrow after a good night’s sleep because tomorrow he’d be elsewhere. He could’t vegetate in front of the TV tonight and spend time with the kids tomorrow because tomorrow there would be different kids. We couldn’t make tomorrow special as we were too busy today, since tomorrow wouldn’t be there for us. So we instantly found ourselves putting aside less important things to make time for the more important.
“Then there were the nights he was gone. At first I felt socially embarrassed trying to make new friends and having a “single’s” social life; but as I did, I found myself feeling more connected to all of God’s people on this earth than I ever had. I found that I hadn’t become a part-time wife, I had become a full-time human being.
“For years I prayed to know true joy, to have my marriage become the one I had dreamed of in my youth, and to understand myself and my place here among humanity. I would never have believed, had someone told me, that all my answered prayers would be wrapped up in one gift called plural marriage, but indeed they were. When I hear threats of our way of life being driven out of existence, the grief twists inside me. Please, please, don’t try to take away the thing that has made my life whole!
“I have no confidence that were I to be my husband’s only wife again, that the lessons learned here in plural marriage could successfully be applied in a monogamous relationship. I have the marriage of my dreams (No, that’s not true because I have never dreamed it would be this good) and two sweetheart sister wives who are my best friends and who sacrifice so that I might have happiness. So, my friend, this is no pretense. This principle is my happiness.”
Read more at: ‘I Would Never…Go Back to Being a Monogamous Wife’
Wikipedia definition: Arranged marriage is a type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other. It was common worldwide until the 18th century.
In a society where divorces and affairs are common strains in life —
— where people are left to choose their own spouses for themselves, for “love” and “romance” —
— where people fail to do their due diligence, and investigate the person, their family, their pasts, their childhood, etc —
— sometimes we look at other societies where arranged marriages are common, and we wonder — would it be better if we did it that way?
I think arranged marriages should have their place among us.
Now — allow me to post a disclaimer — I don’t believe in forcing anything upon anyone. So no, I don’t believe in forcing people to marry. But I do believe that parents (and elders, and older family members and friends) should be able to look at an individual and assess who would be a good match for that person.
I remember, years ago, watching a documentary on arranged marriages around the world. One couple, in particular, was from a lower caste system in India. They’d been chosen for one another in childhood — maybe about age 7 or 8, and had mostly been kept from knowing or even seeing one another, until the time came for them to be married.
They were able to see each other on the day of their wedding. In the excitement, the documentary asked the young groom how he was feeling about his bride-to-be. He said, in essence “I don’t know her, but I love her. I love her, because she will be my wife. So I love her already.” He had a big smile on his face and hope in his eyes. And from that moment on, I concluded that for many of us, arranged marriage should be allowed.
Some of us don’t like our parents (and some of us, our parents don’t like us). We don’t like their ways and so we don’t want them choosing our mates. And that’s fine. I fully believe a person should be able to decline a marriage offer if they see fit — and no harm should come of it for anyone.
But for me, I mostly trust my parents, and when I was late teens-early twenties, I fully trusted them because for the most part, I was following their path, and I rarely disagreed with anything they were.
My mother had a man chosen for me — a young, black, mainstream Christian pastor. A rising star in the firmament. My mother was always good at knowing what men were best for me, even when I was dating. If she didn’t like a guy, I would drop him quickly.
She was always right about them, it would turn out.
She was always right about them, it would turn out.
Had I not met my husband one day, living thousands of miles away from home, I would have given in and married the man she’d chosen. I would not have been unhappy. But it would not be the life I have now.
I’d be a super-Christian, a model first-wife, a corporate powerhouse, with children who were more than likely excelling at some school somewhere. I’d have a PERM, lol, I’d have some luxury vehicle (A Lexus, Benz, BMW), a tailored church-suit/business-suit wardrobe, heeled shoes that were not too high or too low. My nails would be done every two weeks.
I’d probably be a pastor, myself.
But I met my husband.
And I liked him.
And my parents liked him, too.
So that possible, “okay” reality went out the window, because I happened to stumble upon my husband on my own. Which, in my opinion, was pure Yahweh — pure kismet, pure The Universe doing what IT wants with you, whether or not that was your intent.
And when I compare the two realities, I like this one better. Of course.
My mind is freer and personally I feel “larger” and “more grand” than I would be, had I not chosen to respond to that young man that day in the snow.
To me, today — that other, “okay” life — is REALLY a life of pretentiousness…
To me, today — that other, “okay” life — is REALLY a life of pretentiousness…
I plan to do a level of arranged marriage with our children — I want them to meet people that are similar to them — have similar lifestyles and backgrounds, hopefully from happily married households where the children see both husband and wife/wives, father and mother/mothers and how they relate to each other. I want them to meet young people from families that don’t eat pork, or don’t eat meat.
I plan to mold them into good mates, and to guide them on how to choose a good mate (because, as I said, the final choice will be up to them).
So I finished Parable of the Talents.
And I have to say that the series didn’t fully move me until the second half of the second book. The first book was interesting to the prepper in me, as well as the second book.
*spoiler alert*
but the fact that her belief system was SUCCESSFUL was just so fulfilling for me!
The book says “…it was no accident that the church and the school were the same. They weren’t just the same building. They were the same institution. If the Earthseed Destiny is to have any meaning beyond a distant mythical paradise, Earthseed must be not only a belief system but a way of life. Children should be raised in it. Adults shouldl be reminded of it often, refocused on it, and urged toward it. Both should understand how their current behavior is or isn’t contributing to the fulfillment of the Destiny. By the time we’re able to send Earthseed children to college, they should be dedicated not only to a course of study, but to the fulfillment of the Destiny. If they are, then any course of study they choose cna become a tool for the fulfillment.”
…I love that so very much.
It’s very true. If you have a system of belief, THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD HANDLE IT. Prophetic words. Prophetic words! Build your meeting place, make it the school for the children as well! WHY do we send our children off to these schools when we KNOW we don’t agree with the MAJORITY of the stuff going on over there???
So there’s that. I haven’t given the book back to the library yet. We had a situation — my daughter lost her library card so we had to renew it, and they didn’t remove the books from that old card so that they could be re-checked out under the new card.
It’s overdue.
*sigh* ILL RETURN IT.
When I was a child I would NOT have returned it. SMH
My mother sent her DNA in to 23andme.com and it came back and said the following about her:
84.1% Sub-Saharan African (79.7% of that being West African, the rest being Central and South African)
13% European (6.9% Northern European – British or Irish, and 6.3% Southern European, specifically Iberian)
and 2.4% Native American
Of course my sister’s and mine will vary from that slightly because of our father and the plethora of DNA found on his side.
My mother’s people are very dark skinned people, with high cheek bones. When you see pictures of ancestors their high cheek bones are dominant — then we mated with someone else and after that, the cheek bones in the next generation are recessive — but high.
Their hair is kinky, but soft and fine and fragile.
My mother’s DNA compilation says alot about me — it points out why I’m a sickle cell carrier (Sub-Saharan Africa)…and it points to why I’m A- (RH-), as well!
The Iberian people are Basque — which are the INDIGENOUS people of Southern Europe. This covers places like Spain, Italy…and France — our slave master had a FRENCH last name.
Then the 2.4% Native American — we are sure we know WHICH ancestor that is!! He was kidnapped off the reservation at the age of 5 and was sold into slavery in Texas. He lived his life with an accent and, when slavery ended, didn’t go home.
They charged less than $100 for this DNA analysis.
Polygyny made the news — apparently it made our DNA better. Here’s a link to a video
Here is the Washington Post article — http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/09/25/the-evidence-of-polygamy-is-in-our-genes/
Coarse: A Blog 