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the quality of being loyal to someone or something.“her loyalty to her husband of 34 years”
…and in all I said in my last post, I left out an important ingredient: Loyalty.
It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you believe, how smart you are, how productive you are, etc — if you don’t have loyalty it doesn’t mean anything.
Now — me, as an individual, I expect people to have loyalty to me — friends, family, teammates — I EXPECT that. And I’m extremely disappointed when I don’t find it. If I let you in to Me and My Mentally-kept Inner Circle, and you are not loyal — you’re kicked out. I may eventually let you back in. But it takes some time.
If you hurt one of my CLOSE friends, I’m gonna be ANGRY at you and I’m going to protect my friend from you and defend her from your attacks.
As a family unit, we’re big on loyalty. We love the loyal, and are loyal in return. There’s that meme that’s going around that’s deciphering jealousy from territorial — we’re territorial with our loyalty.We don’t care WHAT’s going on between us and you — if someone goes after you or does something to you, we’re gonna defend against it.
I don’t play that about “My People”. My besties and I may be arguing (we’re not lol — but for example), but come after them lol I’ma be on you.
So yes. If you want to come this way, please bring your loyalty and please expect us to be loyal to you and protective of you, no matter WHAT is going on.
…just wanted to say that…
1.the imparting or exchanging of information or news.“direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding”
the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.“there was a lack of communication between Pamela and her parents”
2.means of connection between people or places, in particular.
the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.plural noun: communications“satellite communications”
the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.“a city providing excellent road and rail communications”
the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.
1.free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.“I haven’t been totally honest with you”
synonyms: truthful, sincere, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenuous, straight; More antonyms: insincere
morally correct or virtuous.“I did the only right and honest thing”
synonyms: upright, honorable, moral, ethical, principled, righteous, right-minded, respectable; More
fairly earned, especially through hard work.“struggling to make an honest living”
simple, unpretentious, and unsophisticated.“good honest food with no gimmicks”
1.used to persuade someone of the truth of something.“you’ll like it when you get there, honest”
Alot of issues in marital relationships would be cleared up if people communicated with each other, and were honest with everyone in that relationship. Sometimes honesty will hurt other people — so honesty that’s going to hurt needs to be done with consideration on whether or not hurting that person is NECESSARY. (Example — unless that person’s weight is going to cause problems in your relationship with them, you may want to withhold the fact that you consider them fat. You don’t have to randomly tell that person they’re fat just because you thought it just now, and it’s the truth. It’s UNNECESSARY to say, and it’s hurtful). If it’s unnecessary, then you don’t say it.
Everything that it’s necessary to be said must be said and communicated. Break downs in communication cause people to think one thing is going on, when someone else is going on that may be altogether different from what that person thinks. If you aren’t communicating, then the situation may not be working.
You must communicate your needs and your wants and your opinions. Even if those things are different than what your spouse/spouses need, want or opine. Unless it’s hurtful and unnecessary, you need to tell them. That way, they know where you stand, they are aware of how you feel and what you want in life. And hey — if it’s not the same as theirs, and if it’s in any way important to any of you, then whatever needs to happen, should happen.
Ignoring what people are communicating to you is faulty. If a person says they don’t like something, like an action, you need to make note of it.
Communicating and being honest in your communication allows many things to occur — you will be more aware of yourself and your spouse/spouses, and in being aware, you will be more considerate. Things will be more clear and more solid as to where you all stand with each other, and where you are in the relationship. If something has confused you, be clear that you are confused and ask for them to clarify what they have said.
I’m talking about communication because it seems to be real hard for people — alot of relationships I see that have broken up have done so because of major lacks of communication. Also, alot of people play games — they like to say things in a certain way, thereby manipulating what is heard and what is understood, and causing deception to enter the relationship.
What’s hard for the sisters that try to enter our household, is that we are communicators and we are honest. We don’t play games with our words. We WANT to be clear and we want to be understood and anyone that comes into this house, we want THEM to be clear, and we want THEM to be understood.
We have been married going on 11 years and like it or not, this relationship is a success so far. It’s almost not their fault — seems like all American men and women do, is play games on each other…
if your relationships is rife with game-playing, why don’t you two (or three or four) sit down, and really hash it out. There WILL be honesty and it MAY hurt. If there is love there, remember that you love each other, and that you’ll be better for it in the end. And then make a PACT that y’all are NOT enemies, and that you WILL communicate your feelings, your needs, your wants, your opinions, and that you will listen and HEAR the opinions of the others, and that you will be CONSIDERATE of them from this moment on, as you go forth into life together.
…and if you find you’re not as compatible as you thought, or if you find that you just can’t get past something, and THAT causes y’all to be incompatible… then hey, you’re no longer wasting everyone’s time, right??
And you can move forward and on to something that perhaps will be more “FOR” you.
This entry probably was not clear at all. lol And I don’t care. I did my best to convey my thoughts with this entry and I hope that you learned something.
If you go to my previous blog entry (…INTEGRITY…) and look in the comments section, you’ll see a response.
The response is from the second sister we ever suited.
We haven’t spoken to her in FIVE YEARS…
We lost contact and yet we were unknowingly in close proximity to her… she has been in and around the poly groups stealthily for a while and has now let it be known that she was privy to things that were going on behind our backs in this last courtship.
This has been a constant occurrence since we terminated the relationship — people coming out of the woodwork and telling us all the things that were going on behind our back the entire time…
That, and people coming out to personally apologize to us, by private message AND phone call, saying they misjudged us in the situation (the count, so far, is 8 — and it wasn’t our defense that exonerated us… they just had to hang around her a little longer…)
Please read what she has to say about us and this last situation —
August 13, 2014 at 11:52 pm
so I disappear for a while and come back and see videos about me- i deserved it lol. its all good, i just read your posts, sorry this has happened to you and cepha. in all honesty you and cepha are very good people. and i read the below posts and even i know if she said things like that about cepha its not true. during him talking to me he was a complete gentlemen and even offered to defend me from another male from a couple in a group who was harassing me, remember that? years ago. but anyway this girl seems horrible and seems like she lying on you and cepha. I never got the chance to meet you and him but his character in dealing with me wasn’t like that at all. he was funny and sweet and never lost his cool with me. and hes not a predator at all, he never mentioned anything sexual or disrespectful the entire time talking in fact it was i who was inappropriate. if its meant to be for another wife it shall be. this girl seems like she’s bouncing from man to man hopefully she doesn’t get pregnant or spread disease in between. shes a damn jezebel delilah type. sounds like honestly to me she is just a whore,from a broken home raising a broken home, and wouldn’t do right for a decent man trying to help her. yall was probably the only real chance she had at a family , cepha was probably the only real man she knew, and she didn’t know how to deal with a real man. and i do know you and cepha to be good people. don’t worry about her or what she says those people who condone her foolishness will change their minds once she gets in their home and sleeps with their husbands or ruin their lives with her gossip. besides if people believe htings like that without knowing the truth they must be living foul as well. birds of a feather flock together. im in those facebook groups as well and i watch and i say nothing. i only get on facebook once a month. i will say this though i have talked to a particular shady poly man whos in all the groups with his screwed up poly life ( another story for another day ) and i have heard from him things she said about yall but just recently learned who it was, you and cepha. small poly community we have i was shocked. and I know she said it because how else would he know details about her stay with you or yall wanting her to leave or yall sleeping together and she feels neglected cuz he’s in the middle of the bed with a arm around you but not one around her. or her saying yall gang up on her trying to make her a submissive wife so to keep the peace she pretends. or the first night when he had to convince her to sleep with him when he went to visit her and she didn’t want to be intimate, by the way I dont believe that one at all, he never came off that way on me and besides cepha is good looking i would have jumped his damn bones and ohhh i remember that sexy accent. (smile) She said to this guy whom by the way doesn’t like you or your husband and she knows this, this is why she was talking to him, called him every free minute to complain about yall, also another couple with a younger wife and a bunch of kids she kept fucking with her and picking on her so she wouldn’t tell info she thought that wife knew she said about yall. turns out that wife knew nothing. This chick was courting and phone sexing in ur house with this other guy major punk ass man always in women’s drama. Anyway i am rambling i just honestly wish yall the best you are good people. and i dont like what shes saying about yall. anyway see ya in the groups 🙂 side note bet you never would have thought to see me post her or defend yall right? me either. my soul wouldn’t let me rest until i did
August 13, 2014 at 11:57 pm
forgot to add congrats on the store
NASI — I am speechless… for SO MANY REASONS, lol.
I thank you. Wholeheartedly. Thank you, sis.
It is a situation we keep turning over and over and over in our heads. And every time, the outcome is NO, we didn’t do anything wrong to this person. This person said she was one thing…and turned out to be a completely different, NEGATIVE and HORRIBLE thing.
NASI — EMAIL ME. I wanna talk to you. lol I have a question.
Polygyny is not the problem. Monogamy isn’t the problem, polyandry isn’t the problem, polyamory isn’t the problem…
The relationship dynamic is never the problem.
It’s the people that are the problem. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I understand it takes two (or more!) to tango. But if you can’t say you did all that you could to make that relationship be the best it could be, then you also are at fault.
I’m jaded. And every day I try to be positive about polygyny, it’s hard for me to be. I understand the CONCEPTS of it all. But that LAST situation? SMH
*shrugs* I did my best. I was nice (I’m always nice and if I wasn’t nice to you, it’s because you did something to me. But other than when I’m PROVOKED, I’m always nice and sweet and I overlook alot of stuff). I was helpful. I was understanding. I would try to mediate. I would try to give suggestions (which weren’t taken). I tried to be an example. And so, as a first wife, to think on the POSSIBILITY of doing it again, it’s like. No. We’re fine how we ARE. Why put myself through it all again? Why put our family through that shit again?
We’re happy. He’s happy with me, I’m happy with him. We argue, we MOVE PAST IT, we get over it. When we argue, whatever it’s about, we try to get it ALL OUT right then and there, tackle ALL the issues. We don’t just leave the issues there to fester and show up another time. If that argument’s gonna take all day/night, we’re gonna get to the bottom of it so we don’t have to deal with it again.
No matter how she tries to peg it, I’m not ultra submissive. We argued twice while she was here. Two huge arguments, yes. And I cried, yes. People in relationships have arguments. You’re trying to be a unit and everyone has their own minds and opinions and are not the same people or the same temperament. So yeah — you gone have to hash it out from time to time. What’s at the basis of our arguments is the fact that we love each other, we’re a family, and we’re going to get to the other side of that argument and still love each other, and want each other and want to BE with each other. There WILL be making up. There WILL be cuddles and soft words. There WILL be kisses and hugs.
I don’t sit around in this relationship and agree with everything he says. If I agree, I agree. But if I DONT, he’ll hear it. It’s good counsel, for the man to hear a differing opinion and/or have to prove HIS opinion is the proper one to have. If he can convince me, I’m 100% down. But I have to be convinced. Because that fake agreeing? You’re like “Yes, you’re right. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh” and then, when he walks off, you know you don’t agree. And then you’re mad. And you’re tearing him down to people on the phone. Even if he was right. No one knows that because you’re mad, you weren’t convinced, and you did not agree. You fake unity, and then it all falls apart because you’re not even on the same page.
…am I being obscure? I’m not trying to be. I’m just typing.
So okay — science has proven how the ability to trust another human being helps a relationship. If you put your trust in someone and they prove to you that they can be trusted, your brain rewards you with some oxytocin release — which is also known as the love hormone.
Every time. No matter who it is.
And when you put your trust in someone, and they break that trust, you don’t get your oxytocin reward. And so they’re chipping at that “love” that a person could feel for them.
No matter who it is.
Not only that, but it causes the person who was betrayed to distrust human beings more, on a general level.
I have ALREADY spent my life in situations where my name was been slandered and drug through the mud. I sound like Miss Sophia — “All my life I had to fight!” Well it’s true. I been fighting all my fuckin life for my honor as a human being, but there’s always some jealous, hating ass bitches waiting to try to so-called “ruin my life” (since thats what one particular person said to me in my inbox — YOUR WORDS DUMMY NOT MINE). I live in this shit. (Sorry — let me stop cursing it’s a habit like cigarettes these days; I release a slew of curse words and feel better.) I have ALWAYS lived in this format of people talking bad about me BEHIND MY BACK, sometimes smiling in my face or if they’re bold enough they’ll say it. I have ALWAYS fought people. We have always gotten physical.
But now, in the age of social media, it’s a bunch of people I don’t REALLY know and they don’t REALLY know me. They’re not even IN this city. And I’ve never been a person that could handle a bunch of arguing. We’ll be yelling and screaming and I’ll just start hitting and we’ll be fighting. Can’t do that online.
There’s no point in me BOTHERING to fight this, or BOTHERING to try to see things from my end. This particular person, who mentioned off-hand about ruining my life, as if I had been the one to make that claim (I NEVER DID and it’s so telling) — when HER family was in a situation where the woman they courted allegedly lied or walked away with some distorted view of what had gone on between she and them, we defended that family, we kept people off of them, we convinced people to not draw any conclusions on their situation until they’d heard the entire story! People were ready to burn them at the stake. When the woman we were trying to create a family with refused to listen to my husband about picking on this family, that’s when he broke up with her! Because at the moment, she hated that family’s guts — the wife is in her mid 20s, while the husband is I guess in his 50s? Maybe his 40s. I can’t remember. And she wouldn’t stop. When the break up occurred, my husband tried putting a little trust in these people, and he called the husband and talked to HIM about the break up. My husband doesn’t do that with anybody (because just like me, it’s been a life of defending himself).
So we put trust in these people, and then a while later, when
shit really starts to hit the fan, what do we find out but that his wife — who CAME to me when she saw that it was me that was defending her family on the front lines of HER shit — we find out that she’s knee-deep in our drama, but she’s over there with the woman we tried to build with. AGAINST me.
So there you go — once again, trust put into people, and paid back with betrayal.
And what’s funny to me is, people act like I’m supposed to be okay with the shit. I’m supposed to be cool — I’m supposed to KEEP my cool and REMAIN CALM and all this
shit when I’ve been betrayed. I’m not supposed to tell ANYTHING on either of them. I’m not supposed to retaliate.
If we were in the same city we wudda been done fought already, me and these
bitches females. But we’re not. So fighting fat girls won’t happen any time soon…and the only thing I can do is cut them out of my life completely.
…So at this time, trust in other human beings, from this family over here, is slim.
And it all gives me such a negative outlook. I’m like no, no thank you — I can only trust Cepha, and the friends I’ve had my whole life. I don’t want you in my circle. I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want a sister-wife anymore. It’s too much trouble. You single
bitches females are mostly crazy (it’s why you’ve been single for so long) and I’m not feeling like searching through the haystack for that needle. No. No. NO.
P.S. — I think part of the reason alot of these people are mad is because I’m attractive to them. I’m not fat, I’ve got a nice shape, my husband’s attractive too (he can go to the waterpark/beach and not have to wear a shirt because he’s got his muscles; I’m still in bikinis and I’m 34 and have 3 kids, and I still rarely wear make up — I still don’t HAVE to). We’re intellectually stimulating (for the sapiosexuals), we’re logical most of the time, I’m nice and happy and people (who AREN’T jealous) naturally find me interesting. Cepha is not as nice (it’s the testosterone) but he’s happy and people (who AREN’T jealous) naturally find him intriguing.
So you’ve got all that, plus the fact that we do what we say we’re gonna do — we’re financially efficient, we travel, he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, took me to Paris for my 30th birthday, we homeschool our kids, we eat fruits and vegetables over meat, and we opened our beauty supply store. Two of our vehicles were paid off within 3 years of purchase, and the third one, we bought, cash.
So if you told them “You’re jealous” and they said “Pssht! Of WHAT? What are THEY to be jealous of?!?” ^^^ that’s it, right there. They’re just mad because they’re on section 8 and they’re perverted, they’re fat and unhealthy, they’re lazy and unattractive, nothing they do ever pans out, their goals are so small that they never even thought of doing certain things, they’re not smart enough to do certain things, etc etc.
…that’s what’s wrong. We’re just better at life than they are.
That’s why we apparently couldn’t have ever been friends. We were toning ourselves down for that…