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*This isn’t for the FLDS or any communities of people where polygyny is a part of everyday life. They don’t need this post at all. This is for those of us who are living in places where polygyny is either new, or taboo, or largely unknown.
People with young children will be able to transition into polygyny pretty seamlessly, because young children don’t know anything about monogamy or polygyny, they only know the culture and world you build around them. Children older than 9 will probably have to be re-educated if you haven’t begun having conversations with them regarding multiple wives already.
With younger children, it helps if you have a belief system of some sort where there are people that have more than one wife. Bible stories feature men that have multiple wives, and of course the Quran has Muhammad, with all of his wives. There are African stories from various tribes that talk about multiple wives. All you have to do is speak about it and let them know it’s something that happens, it’s regular, and, according to your beliefs, it’s allowed/okay for your family to do it.
With the older ones, educating them on the subject of polygyny along with the stories is good. Because if you’re new to this and are just now pursuing it, you have to acknowledge that almost never in your child’s life have they seen or heard of a man having more than one woman outside of cheating. Also, you must expect them to have opinions on it, already. You have to allow them that but you must also CORRECT their view — there’s nothing wrong with polygyny among consenting adults. It will be harder because children of this age, if they aren’t homeschooled, typically care a lot about what their peers think. The fear of being seen as different may cause them to be totally against your polygynous leanings. Their concerns must be taken into account.
Always keep open lines of communication with your children; if and when you actually get into a polygynous relationship, sometimes stop and ask them how they’re feeling, how they feel about it, how they feel about the person/people you’re courting, etc. Take their responses into account, if they don’t like the person or the situation, delve into that and consider their motives (if they’re OKAY with polygyny but they’re like “Mommy — not THEM!” find out WHY).
Children must be instructed to respect all of the adults in the marriage. And for the adults, you should do best to keep a united front on all things in front of the children. I would advise this for all parents, regardless of relationship structures. Families, They are not allowed to disrespect your new wife. Women, they are not allowed to disrespect your new husband. Nip it in the bud and show consistency in your actions about that any time they may step out of line. If you treat children fairly and with equity amongst them, you shouldn’t have any issues out of the ordinary with them.
These are my suggestions!! Be Blessed!!
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
Everything you’re moving toward — everything you’re thinking about when it comes to polygyny — is predicated on fantastical bullshit.
…and I know you guys want the REAL-real — you want to hear from real life polygynous families and what they go through, because you think it will help. but IT MAY NOT. It might not. The human ego is a HUGE thing. Husbands will look at that family and tell themselves “I’m just like HIM”and they’re NOT — women will look at the wives in the family and say “That is SO me!” and they’re NOT — because if you don’t live with those people and see them for more than a few hours in a day you don’t have any idea WHO they are OR what they’re actually like, you only see a portion of who they are, they only tell you about a portion of themselves, their love for each other is too complicated, their arguments are too complicated, their lives are too complicated for you to REALLY “see yourself” in these people.
Sometimes those that have done polygyny or are DOING polygyny can look at what people post in here and we already know who is PROBABLY not cut out for this.
There’s no point in telling you this, because you’re not going to LISTEN, you still want to TRY and when you TRY you will find out the truth of the situation and you’ll understand yourself THEN — the REAL you that you couldn’t see — and you’ll either put your adult drawls on and do your best to be a good person in spite of yourself, or you’ll make all the mistakes I’ve loosely mentioned.
But I hope you understand ONE point I was trying to make — don’t play with people’s lives, don’t play with their hearts and emotions just because YOU don’t know who YOU are. You can’t move a woman in, and THEN find she’s not a good fit and send her on her way. You can’t bring a sister in as your co, THEN feel some type of way when she doesn’t agree with your disciplining methods , and then want her gone. You can’t join a family, and then when you see all the shit they got going on, want to back out.
Do what you can to TRULY know who you are and what you can handle. You’re still not going to know until you get off in there, and really some questions and some things just can’t be answered until you get in the thing and then and ONLY then will you know and understand yourself.
But know I TRIED to warn you and I TRIED to get you to look within…
I think a man, when courting a woman, should prove that he is financially able to provide for her to some extent, if she should warrant that.
I think that should happen in all relationship dynamics. This isn’t being a gold digger — it doesn’t mean she’s asking for riches and big houses and luxury items.
Men are the providers. They provide. They go out, they face the outside world, they do the hard things it takes to bring wealth to the family.
Why is he not supposed to prove that to a woman he’s trying to bring in as a wife? Why should that woman just “trust” that he’s got it all together? Because he MIGHT NOT.
I see men asking “What does she bring in, other than her vagina?”
-_- That certainly belittles what a woman typically brings in.
No one’s going to like what I’m saying on this.
But I’ve said it before.
Wives are luxury items.
Not every man deserves a wife if he can’t take care of one.
Think of wives as luxury items. She’s gonna come in, she’s going to be pretty to you, she’s gonna smell good, she’s gonna be soft, she’s gonna be sweet. You’re going to want her softness and you’re going to want to smell her, you’re going to want her companionship, her sensuality. She’ll clean, she’ll cook, she’ll mother and nurture your children. She’ll nurse all of you when you’re sick.
And yes, she comes with a vagina.
Wives — good ones — are luxury items.
Don’t belittle that position. And don’t think you just deserve one just because you want one. Don’t think she just has to take your word for it that you can provide well for her. SHE DONT KNOW YOU and wont know you until she’s apart of your household, monogamous OR polygynous.
You want her to do her job and prove she can do it? Fine.
But you do your job and prove you can do it, too.
And don’t give me all that “I can cook for myself and nurse myself” Nonsense. Alot of women can change their own flat tires and fix the leak under the sink these days, too.
But it’s SOOOO much nicer when you have a woman that can cook and nurse you; just as it’s soooo much nicer when a woman can depend on a man to fix her flat, change her oil, and get that leak under the sink.
(This is all in the traditional sense of man and woman and their stations — if you’re not into that, ignore me)
Our businesses have us parents (mommies and daddy) working almost around the clock — my co works at the store most days, and I work from home for my husband’s company. Before the summer came, I was still trying to homeschool AND do the work the company required, but I became overwhelmed. My husband’s suggestion was to let the children have summer break — “Other kids break for the summer; they can, too.” So we did that. Now summer’s done for public school children, but I still have the same workload I had before.
But today, I just had enough. I MISS MY KIDS. I miss educating them, I miss talking to them about fundamental things. This summer we’ve had a blurb here and there — we’re an education-on-demand kind of family, so if a child asks an educational question, we stop everything, look it up, and discuss it. But I miss having that carved out time to our day.
So I forced myself to carve out some time — even though I was stopping to take phone calls, work on spreadsheets, and send and receive important emails. I was happy to find that the remembered pretty much everything from where we left off — that made ME happy, it means to ME at least that I’m doing a good job.
You want to open a business in order to generate income to make it easier for your family, you want to open a business in order to give you more time with your family, you want to open a business in order to leave a legacy of some sort to your children — but that business has to be BUILT.
My sister in law is coming on board to assist with husband’s company — that will free me up slightly but it will probably be another month after she comes on before she is acclimated and I can fully step away from the portion she’ll be taking over. I expect that. But after THAT, I expect to be able to give homeschooling more time — we can unschool, and that’s okay, but I’ve never wanted to fully unschool. I believe little structuring and guidance is needed.
That’s all I wanted. We’re so very busy around here! *I* think we’re pretty much a blended family. We’re getting there. Nobody’s perfect around here! But we’re striving to become one unit. That requires patience on one part, and discipline on the other. It also requires us to WANT for that to happen.
She (my co-wife/sister-wife) is probably my best friend right now. I have my best friends but we’re all so busy and our lives aren’t exactly looking the same these days, so we don’t talk often, although we love each other very much. But she and I are living the same life, pretty much, everything we have and everything we are is intertwined, because we are loving the same husband.
She’s actually under the weather today (VERY — she threw up a few times this morning and NO IT’S NOT MORNING SICKNESS, it’s a bug because the kids have all had some form of it in the last couple of weeks). I’m not a doter, I’m not a helicopter type of person, but I’m trying to make sure she’s hydrated, and make sure she’s okay to go to the store. She went to the store, but I was willing to go, AND take my laptop with me to work from there, if I needed to.
Okay it took me all day to type this up because I’m so busy so let me get back to it! I gotta find out the dates for Yom Teruah and Yom Kippur!! I hope I’m not too late…
…YES. I have one. Okay? I have one. I’ve had a co for nearly 5 months now. (A co = co-wife. Sister-wife)
But guess what? We learned ALOT from the last situation. So we’ve tried to keep things on the hush for a while and WE ARE STILL KEEPING THINGS ON HUSH. So you won’t get TOO much about who she is, and what’s going on right now. NOT RIGHT NOW!
We’re busy. We’re all happy. It’s a RELATIONSHIP and as you KNOW relationships aren’t perfect. But I think we’re all comfortable for the most part.
We’re still building an empire over here. My husband’s business is up and running and successful, and the store does alright for itself. We want to grow and are growing.
We want to move, we want/need a larger house. We are NOT fancy people; we are NOT into these new houses and having a big ass house with all this room inside of it and not enough people. That’s not us AT ALL. But our house could be larger. Our children (we both have children) are constantly growing and so our family is about to grow out of this house.
We love this house and we don’t ever plan to have to sell it. We’ll lease it and always keep it.
We need a slightly larger house, and we want land. We want to farm on a small scale, and have chickens and goats. Maybe another German shepherd or two; they’re great dogs.
We want to become more self-sufficient. Not trying to completely go off the grid.
…the ONLY reason I haven’t left FB yet is because social media is a great way to advertise my store. I think we’re all ready to leave, though. I don’t want anything to do with it and I don’t want my children to grow into it, either.
We get along famously, it’s always a laugh to be had in this house. We had a big old above-ground pool for the summer and while we adults barely get time with it, it’s upkeep is waay more than we thought it would be. We must all be involved in the pool maintenance. Boo boo boo. I don’t want more stuff on my plate, lol. But the children, when they’re interested, they love it. And when we get our time with it, we enjoy it, too.
We like to go riding. We went to Joppy, Texas!! Look up Joppy when you get a chance; it’s a real interesting history of an unincorporated city within an incorporated city!! We went to Joppy, pulled up at a church, got out, and crossed a barrier and walked out along what we found out later was a part of the Trinity River. We love Joppy. (It’s spelled Joppa if you look for it but that’s not how the locals pronounce it)
We drove through a very old very big and very beautiful cemetery. We’ll have to go back.
I’m busy all the time so this was my moment to talk.
…it’s been a while.
Life is CRAZY sometimes, you know?
So — let’s move on. Blah blah blah, been busy with the store, and my husband’s business is up and running and is largely successful.
But I wanted to talk prepping, because this weekend we’ve been following the prepping videos put together by “The Obsidian Media Network” on Youtube (The Voice of the Everyday Brother). We were specifically interested in the videos where the subject was the sister. The videos were deep in their opinion and ideals and were ultimately a proper assessment of the state of black women today in relation to prepping.
So I may have said it before — we prep. For years there, we were prepping at a high level. When we opened the store we slowed down because it took up our time and other resources.
We were “prepping on a budget” — meaning first I bought a bulk-load of stuff, and then after that, I kept it to a little of this, a little of that, tacked on to my grocery budget. I’d try to get canned meats and canned vegetables, seasonings, dry goods, water, water purification methods, medial supplies, etc. I’ve become adept at it, thanks to the books I’ve read and the videos I’ve watched (Youtube University lol LEARN ALL THINGS lol).
Our children have grown up in a prepping household. They know how to help when it comes time to check preps — to go through it all and assess what may need to be replaced or whether or not we need to buy more or double of a thing. As they get older, they help mommy and they kind of enjoy it.
We have guns. There was a time when we’d happily go shoot them — that was our date night, then go eat or something. Even now if I’m bored or thinking, I may practice loading my clips (I have small, narrow fingers, little woman hands and so some clips, it’s hard for me to load; it’s something I have to work on and so that’s something I can work on while I’m figuring out my next business move — it’s mindless hand-busying practice. It’s perfect). Our eldest was taken shooting. She has a rifle, she knows how to load it, and how to aim and shoot with it. As the others come of age, we will do the same with them.
At one point we REALLY wanted a boat and we just wanted to live on that boat? And we’re not talking about a lake boat — we’re talking about an ocean-based boat, here.
So we’d read all that interested us about boating and ocean living.
We came across an article in a magazine about a NYC couple who bought a boat, and started sailing the world and the lessons THEY learned.
The main lesson they learned was the NEED for each other. When they were living in the city with it’s modern life and whatnot, there was a want to be together but not necessarily the NEED for each other. When they got out there on the ocean, they found that they needed each other and really, they needed each other in traditional, male-female roles. Eventually they got to calling what had to be done on and around the boat, “blue tasks” and “pink tasks” — that’s how evident it was to them that there was a need for men to do men things and there was a need for women to do women things and how the two complimented each other.
When you’re living on a boat, it seemed to us that you are in survivalist mode. Imagine — this is NOT a cruise ship where other people are maintaining the ship and making sure you get what you want and need, with tons of room and amenities.
This boat may be 50′ long. You and your partner are the crew. You have to fix something if it breaks. You and your partner have to procure and prepare the food. You and your partner have to keep things clean. If someone gets sick, one of you will have to either take care of the person or you will have to take over the other person’s tasks. There will be no one to call out to when it’s just y’all out there. No neighbor to depend on.
This is kind of how we live our lives, after reading that article. It made us realize that we are a team here, and we needed to act like one. If anything happens — and studies show that 40% of Americans will find themselves in some dire, SHTF situation like a flood, or tornado, earthquake, or some man-made tragedy — we need to be as self-sufficient and self-sustaining as the family on that boat.
It’s part of prepping, to learn to be that way.
You MUST find people you can depend on.
…that’s all I wanted to say today. Maybe I’ll say more on prepping another time.
the quality of being loyal to someone or something.“her loyalty to her husband of 34 years”
…and in all I said in my last post, I left out an important ingredient: Loyalty.
It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you believe, how smart you are, how productive you are, etc — if you don’t have loyalty it doesn’t mean anything.
Now — me, as an individual, I expect people to have loyalty to me — friends, family, teammates — I EXPECT that. And I’m extremely disappointed when I don’t find it. If I let you in to Me and My Mentally-kept Inner Circle, and you are not loyal — you’re kicked out. I may eventually let you back in. But it takes some time.
If you hurt one of my CLOSE friends, I’m gonna be ANGRY at you and I’m going to protect my friend from you and defend her from your attacks.
As a family unit, we’re big on loyalty. We love the loyal, and are loyal in return. There’s that meme that’s going around that’s deciphering jealousy from territorial — we’re territorial with our loyalty.We don’t care WHAT’s going on between us and you — if someone goes after you or does something to you, we’re gonna defend against it.
I don’t play that about “My People”. My besties and I may be arguing (we’re not lol — but for example), but come after them lol I’ma be on you.
So yes. If you want to come this way, please bring your loyalty and please expect us to be loyal to you and protective of you, no matter WHAT is going on.
…just wanted to say that…
‘I Would Never…Go Back to Being a Monogamous Wife’
Polygamous women speak out in defense of their lifestyle.
In April 2000, the authors contacted more than 700 plural wives, asking them about their experience. They were promised anonymity because it is against the law and currently being prosecuted in Utah. Within six weeks, they received more than 100 responses. The comments were reprinted, organized according to the age of the respondent. Here is one from RS, a woman between 41 and 50 years old.
“I would never ever, worlds without end, even if I could control all events, willingly go back to being a monogamous wife. Even if I were to discount the possibility of eternal blessings, the blessings I enjoy here in this sphere are enough to cause me to become a she-bear when someone threatens them.
“As the only wife of a good man, I had a good marriage. We got along well, and our children were emotionally healthy. But at times I felt an unspoken demand to be all things to my husband: a great cook, an organized housekeeper, an inspired home-schooler and an individual who kept up with current events, pursued her talents, never fatigued, always remembered details, kept the family social calendar, emptied the mending and ironing baskets daily, never overspent, looked appealing at all times and looked forward anxiously for the moment he walked in the door. I tried to be all things, and my husband told me constantly that I was loved and appreciated. But I worried privately that my lapses stood out more vividly than my achievements.
“After a second wife entered the family, I saw my husband’s eyes full of new respect and approval as he looked at me. This approval came NOT from my willingness to let him have another wife, but from his deepened comprehension of who I was as a woman, what strengths and gifts I had that were not an automatic part of simply being female genetically but were uniquely mine. Suddenly, I was seen as I had always wanted to be seen.
“Our relationship improved in other ways. Simultaneously with the second marriage, we had to revamp the way we spent our time together. I couldn’t be more cheerful tomorrow after a good night’s sleep because tomorrow he’d be elsewhere. He could’t vegetate in front of the TV tonight and spend time with the kids tomorrow because tomorrow there would be different kids. We couldn’t make tomorrow special as we were too busy today, since tomorrow wouldn’t be there for us. So we instantly found ourselves putting aside less important things to make time for the more important.
“Then there were the nights he was gone. At first I felt socially embarrassed trying to make new friends and having a “single’s” social life; but as I did, I found myself feeling more connected to all of God’s people on this earth than I ever had. I found that I hadn’t become a part-time wife, I had become a full-time human being.
“For years I prayed to know true joy, to have my marriage become the one I had dreamed of in my youth, and to understand myself and my place here among humanity. I would never have believed, had someone told me, that all my answered prayers would be wrapped up in one gift called plural marriage, but indeed they were. When I hear threats of our way of life being driven out of existence, the grief twists inside me. Please, please, don’t try to take away the thing that has made my life whole!
“I have no confidence that were I to be my husband’s only wife again, that the lessons learned here in plural marriage could successfully be applied in a monogamous relationship. I have the marriage of my dreams (No, that’s not true because I have never dreamed it would be this good) and two sweetheart sister wives who are my best friends and who sacrifice so that I might have happiness. So, my friend, this is no pretense. This principle is my happiness.”
Read more at: ‘I Would Never…Go Back to Being a Monogamous Wife’