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I can’t help but notice some things so please allow me to make some statements that may or may not be received well — I don’t know how any of you will receive it and while I’ll attempt to maintain decorum and be as politically correct as possible, I’m going to probably still hurt your feelings either way so let’s rip the band-aid right on off, shall we?
Some of you are unrealistic about polygyny. You’re desperate and you’re running full-speed ahead, no-holds-barred toward your future polygynous household — and what you don’t seem to understand, is that what you THINK it’s gonna be, is based on FANTASY and FAIRY-TALES!
It would be great if people would understand themselves BEFORE they get into polygyny, but some of us won’t get it until we’ve actually tried it for ourselves. But you need to do your BEST to understand yourself RIGHT NOW before you move forward.
What kind of person are you? Are you kind? Are you able to balance? Are you patient? Can you be a friend? Are you able to be FAIR?
Everyone needs to ask themselves questions like these and REALLY be honest with yourselves before you move into this.
Do you realize that women are not cardboard cut outs? Do you realize they’re NOT all the same? Do you realize that, if you have one wife already, chances are wife two is NOT going to be like her? And neither is wife three? Are you ready to contend with their different emotions, sensitivities, likes and dislikes? Are you ready to contend with your OWN emotions, sensitivities, likes and dislikes when you find out that this person that you thought was going to be all this is NOT going to be all of what you thought?
Are you able to be fair THROUGH the FACT that, since you’ve been with Wife A for x amount of years, you may find you prefer HER ways and Wife B MAY NOT CONFORM to the same ways that Wife A has? Because UNLESS you taking women directly out of their father’s houses, these women have been adults for a long time and already have “ways” that they are (“I’m just that way; that’s how I am”). Are you able to STILL deal with her FAIRLY and give her her DUE when that happens IN SPITE OF the fact that you NOW realize you prefer Wife A’s ways and that you IGNORANTLY assumed that when you got Wife B and C they would just come in and conform??
First wives, are you able to understand that EVEN if you and sister-woman are like besties when you meet, that you’re gonna get in there and you’re going to find places where you just don’t agree? Are YOU able to be fair if you find out she’s NOT going to be your bestie like you thought, because you get your nails done and she’s not interested in getting her nails done? Are you able to be fair when you find out your differences?
Wives coming in/Potentials — are you able to understand that fact that if you’re joining a family already-in-progress that they are gonna have their ways and their speed? Are you able to understand that they TOO, are NOT cookie cutter cardboard cut outs of happy families? What are you going to do when they disagree with your methods? What are you gonna do, when they disagree with EACH OTHER’s methods? ARE YOU GONNA BE FAIR?
Polygyny is NOT easy, and you’re not gonna just be good at it just because you say you are or you THINK you are. Some of you are single or in currently-monogamous relationships and you ALREADY not dealing fairly with the people you claim to love or have made a commitment to.
… so many of you are DESPERATE and you don’t even know what you’re getting yourselves into. You’re desperately seeking fantasies of Big Love and Brother Polight.
Not to MENTION the FACT that, while in the world and in the COUNTRY there are significantly more viable black women than there are more viable black men, when it comes to black women in America that choose polygyny as their relationship dynamic, there are more families looking to add on a wife than there are women to go around! Men and families come in to these facebook groups and they put up a status “Who wants to be the wife of a righteous Hebrew/Muslim man?” “Women in Colorado, inbox me!” “Are you pro black? Because I’m pro black – let’s get this black love going! Message me!” Even if they go so far as to put an entire bio on them and their current family stats — THAT DOESN’T MEAN WOMEN ARE JUST GOING TO FALL INTO YOUR INBOX! Just because you’re Hebrew and she’s Hebrew does NOT mean she’s meant for you! Just because you’re pro black and she’s pro black does NOT mean she’s supposed to come your way! There are 5 other people — 3 other families and 2 other single men — vying for that woman, JUST LIKE YOU.
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
No.
Everything you’re moving toward — everything you’re thinking about when it comes to polygyny — is predicated on fantastical bullshit.
…and I know you guys want the REAL-real — you want to hear from real life polygynous families and what they go through, because you think it will help. but IT MAY NOT. It might not. The human ego is a HUGE thing. Husbands will look at that family and tell themselves “I’m just like HIM”and they’re NOT — women will look at the wives in the family and say “That is SO me!” and they’re NOT — because if you don’t live with those people and see them for more than a few hours in a day you don’t have any idea WHO they are OR what they’re actually like, you only see a portion of who they are, they only tell you about a portion of themselves, their love for each other is too complicated, their arguments are too complicated, their lives are too complicated for you to REALLY “see yourself” in these people.
Sometimes those that have done polygyny or are DOING polygyny can look at what people post in here and we already know who is PROBABLY not cut out for this.
There’s no point in telling you this, because you’re not going to LISTEN, you still want to TRY and when you TRY you will find out the truth of the situation and you’ll understand yourself THEN — the REAL you that you couldn’t see — and you’ll either put your adult drawls on and do your best to be a good person in spite of yourself, or you’ll make all the mistakes I’ve loosely mentioned.
But I hope you understand ONE point I was trying to make — don’t play with people’s lives, don’t play with their hearts and emotions just because YOU don’t know who YOU are. You can’t move a woman in, and THEN find she’s not a good fit and send her on her way. You can’t bring a sister in as your co, THEN feel some type of way when she doesn’t agree with your disciplining methods , and then want her gone. You can’t join a family, and then when you see all the shit they got going on, want to back out.
Do what you can to TRULY know who you are and what you can handle. You’re still not going to know until you get off in there, and really some questions and some things just can’t be answered until you get in the thing and then and ONLY then will you know and understand yourself.
But know I TRIED to warn you and I TRIED to get you to look within…
Ban Bossy Site
“When a little boy asserts himself, he’s called a “leader.” Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded “bossy.” Words like bossy send a message: don’t raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead.”
Bossy — Kelis
boss·y
1 [baw-see, bos-ee]
adjective, boss·i·er, boss·i·est.
given to ordering people about; overly authoritative; domineering.
Related forms
boss·i·ly, adverb
boss·i·ness, noun
Synonyms
highhanded, officious, dictational; overbearing, abrasive.
highhanded, officious, dictational; overbearing, abrasive.
So now they’ve got this entire campaign on removing the word bossy, in an effort to promote women to be leaders.
Please make note of the definition above — NOT just authoritative, but overly authoritative. There’s a DIFFERENCE. See the SYNONYMS?? ABRASIVE. OVERBEARING.
No. The word should NOT be done away with.
ANYONE in my entire life that I’ve considered “bossy”, has been someone who had those qualities! They talked about these types of children organizing the play of others — but whenever I played with a bossy child, if I got tired of playing with them, or didn’t want to do it THEIR way, they’d get MAD. They didn’t want to do it any way but their OWN. They weren’t “nice” play mates. Alot of other children may have been more than happy to comply and do what they wanted. But if you DIDNT, you were kicked out of the circle. You were snubbed, isolated and ostracized…
They want to take the word bossy and point it at women like Oprah or Beyonce and other successful women of our day. But I’ll tell you, the women I grew up with who were bossy, they aren’t doing ANYTHING. They aren’t SUCCESSFUL. They are alpha females in their tiny, hood neighborhoods. Queen to a set of bitches who aren’t doing any better than they are. Still, years later, doing everything this one person wants to do.
I’ve seen bossy. I don’t like bossy.
I’ll play along for a while, but at SOME point, Rebecca’s gonna wanna do what Rebecca’s gonna do. And if you and your bossiness obstructs that in ANY WAY — I’ll plow you down.
In the socially accepted understanding of the term, an alpha is the head of a social system. Everyone does what the alpha wants. The alpha is stronger than the rest, and is able to subdue the others with that strength in a myriad of ways.
I get it.
But MOST of the time I am pretty much on the outside of whatever the social system is. I am NEVER popular. But I am KNOWN. And while my actions may not necessarily be wicked or vile, I am more INFAMOUS than Famous. My reputation has ALWAYS preceded me. And what’s amazing to me, is that becoming an adult has not changed that.
People are still bossy. And I’m STILL infamous. OMG.
I don’t get along with bossy people. I’m a leader — people listen to me. People try to emulate me. They may not ADMIT it, but they know it’s true. I do what I want. I move how I want to move. There’s always someone there to recognize the forward movement of my actions and activities. And while they may say nothing next thing you see… is them attempting to do it. EVEN if they’ve spoken ill of me. EVEN if they’ve painted me to be a horrible person, because I WONT PLAY THE GAME THEY WANT ME TO PLAY.
I am the one…that comes out on TOP. Often I’ll tell a person what I did and EXACTLY how I did it and they’ll try to do it that same way and they mess it all up. Mainly because they’re not me. And so what is in me is missing, because it’s not in them…
I’m still an alpha, I’m just not an alpha when we look at the social set up. But I’m an alpha because I move you. You don’t move me. Even from outside of the construct. I cause movement. And I’m not bossy with it. Ever.
I married a man who’s more this kind of alpha than I am. We are a good match. They talk SO BAD about my husband. Don’t they? lol
But they try to BE him. They try to do what he’s done, move the way he moves in life. And they crash and burn. And it makes them hate him even more.
We are…an effective team.
Coarse: A Blog 