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I can’t help but notice some things so please allow me to make some statements that may or may not be received well — I don’t know how any of you will receive it and while I’ll attempt to maintain decorum and be as politically correct as possible, I’m going to probably still hurt your feelings either way so let’s rip the band-aid right on off, shall we?
Some of you are unrealistic about polygyny. You’re desperate and you’re running full-speed ahead, no-holds-barred toward your future polygynous household — and what you don’t seem to understand, is that what you THINK it’s gonna be, is based on FANTASY and FAIRY-TALES!
It would be great if people would understand themselves BEFORE they get into polygyny, but some of us won’t get it until we’ve actually tried it for ourselves. But you need to do your BEST to understand yourself RIGHT NOW before you move forward.
What kind of person are you? Are you kind? Are you able to balance? Are you patient? Can you be a friend? Are you able to be FAIR?
Everyone needs to ask themselves questions like these and REALLY be honest with yourselves before you move into this.
Do you realize that women are not cardboard cut outs? Do you realize they’re NOT all the same? Do you realize that, if you have one wife already, chances are wife two is NOT going to be like her? And neither is wife three? Are you ready to contend with their different emotions, sensitivities, likes and dislikes? Are you ready to contend with your OWN emotions, sensitivities, likes and dislikes when you find out that this person that you thought was going to be all this is NOT going to be all of what you thought?
Are you able to be fair THROUGH the FACT that, since you’ve been with Wife A for x amount of years, you may find you prefer HER ways and Wife B MAY NOT CONFORM to the same ways that Wife A has? Because UNLESS you taking women directly out of their father’s houses, these women have been adults for a long time and already have “ways” that they are (“I’m just that way; that’s how I am”). Are you able to STILL deal with her FAIRLY and give her her DUE when that happens IN SPITE OF the fact that you NOW realize you prefer Wife A’s ways and that you IGNORANTLY assumed that when you got Wife B and C they would just come in and conform??
First wives, are you able to understand that EVEN if you and sister-woman are like besties when you meet, that you’re gonna get in there and you’re going to find places where you just don’t agree? Are YOU able to be fair if you find out she’s NOT going to be your bestie like you thought, because you get your nails done and she’s not interested in getting her nails done? Are you able to be fair when you find out your differences?
Wives coming in/Potentials — are you able to understand that fact that if you’re joining a family already-in-progress that they are gonna have their ways and their speed? Are you able to understand that they TOO, are NOT cookie cutter cardboard cut outs of happy families? What are you going to do when they disagree with your methods? What are you gonna do, when they disagree with EACH OTHER’s methods? ARE YOU GONNA BE FAIR?
Polygyny is NOT easy, and you’re not gonna just be good at it just because you say you are or you THINK you are. Some of you are single or in currently-monogamous relationships and you ALREADY not dealing fairly with the people you claim to love or have made a commitment to.
… so many of you are DESPERATE and you don’t even know what you’re getting yourselves into. You’re desperately seeking fantasies of Big Love and Brother Polight.
Not to MENTION the FACT that, while in the world and in the COUNTRY there are significantly more viable black women than there are more viable black men, when it comes to black women in America that choose polygyny as their relationship dynamic, there are more families looking to add on a wife than there are women to go around! Men and families come in to these facebook groups and they put up a status “Who wants to be the wife of a righteous Hebrew/Muslim man?” “Women in Colorado, inbox me!” “Are you pro black? Because I’m pro black – let’s get this black love going! Message me!” Even if they go so far as to put an entire bio on them and their current family stats — THAT DOESN’T MEAN WOMEN ARE JUST GOING TO FALL INTO YOUR INBOX! Just because you’re Hebrew and she’s Hebrew does NOT mean she’s meant for you! Just because you’re pro black and she’s pro black does NOT mean she’s supposed to come your way! There are 5 other people — 3 other families and 2 other single men — vying for that woman, JUST LIKE YOU.
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
So with THAT being the case, you just putting the call out there like that and thinking it’s going to be inviting and received and women just gone be like “Yeeh we wanna join up wit HIM” is not realistic at all.
And this ALSO leads to the FACT that POLYGYNY MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR YOU!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DREAMS YOU HAVE OF NATION-BUILDING, HAVING ALL THESE WOMEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND ALL THESE BABIES — THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! It doesn’t matter how GOOD you are, how RIGHT you are, how financially responsible you ARE, it doesn’t MATTER — NONE of it matters because there are multiple men/families purporting to be JUST AS GOOD as you are, all to the SAME WOMAN you are chasing after! And GUESS WHAT?? SHE might not be very good at making decisions in relationships ANYWAY — so IF you are the best choice she may not even SEE you like that. So off SHE goes with someone else.
No.
Everything you’re moving toward — everything you’re thinking about when it comes to polygyny — is predicated on fantastical bullshit.
…and I know you guys want the REAL-real — you want to hear from real life polygynous families and what they go through, because you think it will help. but IT MAY NOT. It might not. The human ego is a HUGE thing. Husbands will look at that family and tell themselves “I’m just like HIM”and they’re NOT — women will look at the wives in the family and say “That is SO me!” and they’re NOT — because if you don’t live with those people and see them for more than a few hours in a day you don’t have any idea WHO they are OR what they’re actually like, you only see a portion of who they are, they only tell you about a portion of themselves, their love for each other is too complicated, their arguments are too complicated, their lives are too complicated for you to REALLY “see yourself” in these people.
Sometimes those that have done polygyny or are DOING polygyny can look at what people post in here and we already know who is PROBABLY not cut out for this.
There’s no point in telling you this, because you’re not going to LISTEN, you still want to TRY and when you TRY you will find out the truth of the situation and you’ll understand yourself THEN — the REAL you that you couldn’t see — and you’ll either put your adult drawls on and do your best to be a good person in spite of yourself, or you’ll make all the mistakes I’ve loosely mentioned.
But I hope you understand ONE point I was trying to make — don’t play with people’s lives, don’t play with their hearts and emotions just because YOU don’t know who YOU are. You can’t move a woman in, and THEN find she’s not a good fit and send her on her way. You can’t bring a sister in as your co, THEN feel some type of way when she doesn’t agree with your disciplining methods , and then want her gone. You can’t join a family, and then when you see all the shit they got going on, want to back out.
Do what you can to TRULY know who you are and what you can handle. You’re still not going to know until you get off in there, and really some questions and some things just can’t be answered until you get in the thing and then and ONLY then will you know and understand yourself.
But know I TRIED to warn you and I TRIED to get you to look within…
…ask yourself, right now, what sort of game you playin?
These relationships that you have with each other — what sort of game you playin?
Why you open and honest with people that aren’t even in your relationship???
Why do you feel you owe THEM the honesty you won’t even give your spouse(s)?
The fuck is WRONG with you?
(I’m not talking to any particular person. Don’t be vain.)
One thing my husband and I have with each other, is HONESTY and OPEN communication.
I prescribe it for ALL relationships where you are trying to build a unit and team.
If you aren’t open and honest, IT’S GOING TO FAIL. Fuck the bullshit.
(Dammit. I’m cursing again. But *smiles* it’s Monday, and my period is here. So fuck it. It feels fucking necessary)
As I said, I prescribe it to all my friends and my CLOSEST friends know that if their relationships didn’t work out — it’s because there was a lack of honesty and/or open communication.
*shrugs* it is what it is.
If you telling EVERYBODY ELSE but the person/people that are supposed to matter to you and your life the TRUTH about who you are, how you are, what you want and how you feel — you putting all your energy into the WRONG place.
Your energy is supposed to be put INTO the relationship you’re in.
How’s he/she/they supposed to know who you ARE if you don’t tell them? How’re they supposed to know HOW you are? How’re they supposed to know what you WANT? TRUTH IS, THEY DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU NOT TELLING IT TO THEM, YOU’RE TELLING IT TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You’re a COWARD. In your RELATIONSHIP. You’re SCARED. Because you’re living a FACADE. You’re a scam artist; you’re pretending to be something you’re not, to get someone you KNOW wouldn’t go for the person that you really are. You are going to FUCK IT UP because you won’t be able to keep it up forever!!!
None of you. How can you claim to love someone and lie to them about who you are, what you like and what you do?? You bitches are desperate! Being unable to get a husband for so long has got y’all selling your souls for one.
Brave people look at shit in the face. They may be scared — yes — but bad news is bad news!! If that person/people you tryna build with don’t or won’t like what you REALLY are or who you REALLY are, you’re probably not right for each other. And that’s FINE. If you won’t change, or can’t change for this endeavor — get out. Stop wasting people’s time!!! You’re wasting YOUR time and THEIR time.
Brave people are just as scared — but they look at the situation in the face and they look at that person in their face and they say “Y’know what? This is who I am. This is how I am.” And if they NEED to change it they make their changes and if they don’t WANNA change it, they don’t make a change and fuck who feels like they need to change — point is, they not tryna waste valuable time.
…I’ma tell you… I’m GLAD you hate me. GOOD, bitches. Good. HATE ME. Because I DONT LIKE COWARDS I KEEP THEM FAR FROM ME!
One thing my husband and I have = HONESTY and OPEN COMMUNICATION. We talk about it all, we lay it all out there. If it’s a PROBLEM, we are gonna get to the BOTTOM of it or it will END. If there needs to be a change that change is made OR IT IS DONE. We’re not wasting our TIME or anyone else’s and that’s why you HATING, all this “Rebecca’s FAKE because she’s INCONSISTENT” and “Rebecca’s FAKE because she don’t tell us shit” BITCH — I’m SOOOOooooo very real. I tell what I tell to whom I tell because it’s necessary for that relationship to grow and move forward. And I don’t tell to whom I don’t tell because either it’s unnecessary, or the relationship itself is unnecessary.
Bad news = bad news — but it’s a chance to move forward or move on if need be. Get some courage, BE REAL, or UNDERSTAND that the end of your relationship is IMMINENT.
Coarse: A Blog 