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I think a man, when courting a woman, should prove that he is financially able to provide for her to some extent, if she should warrant that.
I think that should happen in all relationship dynamics. This isn’t being a gold digger — it doesn’t mean she’s asking for riches and big houses and luxury items.
Men are the providers. They provide. They go out, they face the outside world, they do the hard things it takes to bring wealth to the family.
Why is he not supposed to prove that to a woman he’s trying to bring in as a wife? Why should that woman just “trust” that he’s got it all together? Because he MIGHT NOT.
I see men asking “What does she bring in, other than her vagina?”
-_- That certainly belittles what a woman typically brings in.
No one’s going to like what I’m saying on this.
But I’ve said it before.
Wives are luxury items.
Not every man deserves a wife if he can’t take care of one.
Think of wives as luxury items. She’s gonna come in, she’s going to be pretty to you, she’s gonna smell good, she’s gonna be soft, she’s gonna be sweet. You’re going to want her softness and you’re going to want to smell her, you’re going to want her companionship, her sensuality. She’ll clean, she’ll cook, she’ll mother and nurture your children. She’ll nurse all of you when you’re sick.
And yes, she comes with a vagina.
Wives — good ones — are luxury items.
Don’t belittle that position. And don’t think you just deserve one just because you want one. Don’t think she just has to take your word for it that you can provide well for her. SHE DONT KNOW YOU and wont know you until she’s apart of your household, monogamous OR polygynous.
You want her to do her job and prove she can do it? Fine.
But you do your job and prove you can do it, too.
And don’t give me all that “I can cook for myself and nurse myself” Nonsense. Alot of women can change their own flat tires and fix the leak under the sink these days, too.
But it’s SOOOO much nicer when you have a woman that can cook and nurse you; just as it’s soooo much nicer when a woman can depend on a man to fix her flat, change her oil, and get that leak under the sink.
(This is all in the traditional sense of man and woman and their stations — if you’re not into that, ignore me)
Sometimes in polygyny you hear of the initial couple having a “fail-safe” of sorts, where, should any feelings change about this lifestyle at some point in the future, they will revert back to their monogamous relationship. The fail-safe is made due to the fact that the couple in question is knowingly getting into uncharted territory, and are unsure as to whether or not they’ll like it once they get in it — so they are attmepting to reserve the right to stop it and revert to monogamy simply based on if polygyny becomes emotionally stressful on them.
Sometimes this reversion happens when the couple is about to add or has added another wife to the family. This fail-safe, when enacted, has the potential to leave the subsequent wives/wives-to-be SOL. It doesn’t hinge on whether or not the subsequent wife has done anything wrong — it hinges on the feelings and desires of the initial COUPLE (which isn’t always based on reason and logic). This fail-safe indicates that the relationship between the husband and the initial wife is the most important, and that the relationships between the husband and any other subsequent wives is less important.
“Couple’s privilege” is something the polygynous world has yet to define. Polyamory/Non-monogamy/open-relationships have already established this as a “thing” that is in existence in some situations.
Let’s look at the definition from “those people” (lol) and convert it to relate to us polygynous folk, shall we?
Because it’s here, already. Whether explicit or implicit — it’s already here and for some of us seeking polygynous relationships, it is an active part of these relationships.
This is the base definition from this blogger “Solopoly.net” — Couple’s Privilege is “The presumption that socially sanctioned pair-bond relationships involving only two people (such as marriage, long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, or other forms of conventional intimate/life partnerships) are inherently more important, “real” and valid than other types of intimate, romantic or sexual relationships.” (http://solopoly.net/2013/02/05/couple-privilege-having-it-doesnt-necessarily-make-you-an-asshole-but-it-can/)
… “couple’s privilege” runs rampant in our “first-generation polygyny” community. Those of us that were not raised around polygyny, but are accepting of it or want it for ourselves, see this exhibited in our circles all the time — women who thought they were wives are kicked out because the first wife as pulled out her couple’s privilege card at some point during the family’s polygynous journey, and the husband has responded and has asked the other wives leave. Or a sister is being courted seriously by the husband in a family, then the husband cuts it off because — no matter how he likes her — the existing wife has pulled out her card, woman-be-damned.
And OFTEN, the existing wife doesn’t feel WRONG, the husband doesn’t check her in her wrongness, and a wife/potential wife is left out there like — what happened, who did it, and why.
Subsequent wives/potentials are expected to UNDERSTAND why this would happen, and are made to feel as if they are in the wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed (OFTEN by a man who’d said he LOVED her…).
The existing wife sometimes uses this privilege as leverage in the selecting of other wives, using it as a tool that allows HER to decide which woman she’s going to “let” into “her” family.
What she’s actually doing is leveraging someone ELSE’S marriage, whereas her own was never done like that — no one was there to successfully change the husband’s mind on the existing wife’s marriage to him, based on “feelings” and “emotions”.
How, then, can the incoming women be sure that this will never happen to them? Can she ask if the couple has this fail-safe in the deck for a J.I.C. (just in case) situation BEFORE she gets in deep with them? And will the couple be HONEST about having such a thing?
Because to have that sort of agreement does not benefit an incoming wife and her security in HER relationship with this man, or her position in the family, AT ALL.
It’s unfair. Subsequent wives/potentials are asked to consider the existing wife’s stance, when the other woman’s/women’s stance needs to be considered as well.
It’s like everyone initially seems kind and good and loving and selfless —
— until the situation gets a little uncomfortable —
— then people find they aren’t so kind.
They are not so selfless.
This should be discussed! Is it EVER a good thing?
1.the imparting or exchanging of information or news.“direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding”
the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.“there was a lack of communication between Pamela and her parents”
2.means of connection between people or places, in particular.
the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.plural noun: communications“satellite communications”
the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.“a city providing excellent road and rail communications”
the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.
1.free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.“I haven’t been totally honest with you”
synonyms: truthful, sincere, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenuous, straight; More antonyms: insincere
morally correct or virtuous.“I did the only right and honest thing”
synonyms: upright, honorable, moral, ethical, principled, righteous, right-minded, respectable; More
fairly earned, especially through hard work.“struggling to make an honest living”
simple, unpretentious, and unsophisticated.“good honest food with no gimmicks”
1.used to persuade someone of the truth of something.“you’ll like it when you get there, honest”
Alot of issues in marital relationships would be cleared up if people communicated with each other, and were honest with everyone in that relationship. Sometimes honesty will hurt other people — so honesty that’s going to hurt needs to be done with consideration on whether or not hurting that person is NECESSARY. (Example — unless that person’s weight is going to cause problems in your relationship with them, you may want to withhold the fact that you consider them fat. You don’t have to randomly tell that person they’re fat just because you thought it just now, and it’s the truth. It’s UNNECESSARY to say, and it’s hurtful). If it’s unnecessary, then you don’t say it.
Everything that it’s necessary to be said must be said and communicated. Break downs in communication cause people to think one thing is going on, when someone else is going on that may be altogether different from what that person thinks. If you aren’t communicating, then the situation may not be working.
You must communicate your needs and your wants and your opinions. Even if those things are different than what your spouse/spouses need, want or opine. Unless it’s hurtful and unnecessary, you need to tell them. That way, they know where you stand, they are aware of how you feel and what you want in life. And hey — if it’s not the same as theirs, and if it’s in any way important to any of you, then whatever needs to happen, should happen.
Ignoring what people are communicating to you is faulty. If a person says they don’t like something, like an action, you need to make note of it.
Communicating and being honest in your communication allows many things to occur — you will be more aware of yourself and your spouse/spouses, and in being aware, you will be more considerate. Things will be more clear and more solid as to where you all stand with each other, and where you are in the relationship. If something has confused you, be clear that you are confused and ask for them to clarify what they have said.
I’m talking about communication because it seems to be real hard for people — alot of relationships I see that have broken up have done so because of major lacks of communication. Also, alot of people play games — they like to say things in a certain way, thereby manipulating what is heard and what is understood, and causing deception to enter the relationship.
What’s hard for the sisters that try to enter our household, is that we are communicators and we are honest. We don’t play games with our words. We WANT to be clear and we want to be understood and anyone that comes into this house, we want THEM to be clear, and we want THEM to be understood.
We have been married going on 11 years and like it or not, this relationship is a success so far. It’s almost not their fault — seems like all American men and women do, is play games on each other…
if your relationships is rife with game-playing, why don’t you two (or three or four) sit down, and really hash it out. There WILL be honesty and it MAY hurt. If there is love there, remember that you love each other, and that you’ll be better for it in the end. And then make a PACT that y’all are NOT enemies, and that you WILL communicate your feelings, your needs, your wants, your opinions, and that you will listen and HEAR the opinions of the others, and that you will be CONSIDERATE of them from this moment on, as you go forth into life together.
…and if you find you’re not as compatible as you thought, or if you find that you just can’t get past something, and THAT causes y’all to be incompatible… then hey, you’re no longer wasting everyone’s time, right??
And you can move forward and on to something that perhaps will be more “FOR” you.
This entry probably was not clear at all. lol And I don’t care. I did my best to convey my thoughts with this entry and I hope that you learned something.
Boss wife is a term that was coined in the black polygyny groups on Facebook. It is a derogatory term, typically used to describe a woman, who is a wife (tends to be the first wife), who basically is the head of the household. She is the the Maker of the Rules of Engagement with her husband.
Boss wives are domineering, controlling, and overbearing to pretty much everyone around them.
Boss wives tend to need to be in control of the majority of the courting process. A woman may need to go through the boss wife in order to express the wish to be courted by the family. THEY say whether or not a woman can go on a date with the husband. This is HER husband. You are NOT allowed to do ANYTHING with HER husband without her permission.
She may brow-beat him and any of the other wives that come into the situation. You do things HER way. When you marry into the family, and, say, move into the house with them, you move into HER house. You put your things where SHE says. You do things the way SHE wants you to do them.
Her husband allows these things. He doesn’t argue with her about these things. If she says no to a particular woman as a wife, he won’t openly go against her wishes. No. Instead, he will be weak and either go behind her back to try to get what he wants, or, he will sit there and be miserable, rather than taking her to task and confronting her as to why she does not want this or that person to join the family.
Sometimes a boss wife is blocking wives from coming into her family because she REALLY doesn’t want polygyny; she’s only doing it because it’s what HE wants. She’s just pretending to be down for it, and vetoes almost every name that comes up as an option. All reasons may seem reasonable to the husband, no matter how weak or petty they are.
Often a boss wife’s actions and concerns have absolutely nothing to do with her husband and how he feels and what he wants. She is selfish and is only worried about how SHE feels and what SHE wants.
Being a boss wife is frowned upon. If one is able to successfully join her family, they may have a hard row to hoe if they value having their own ways, their own opinions, their own wants and goals. They will need to be just as strong. Some boss wives may respect the fact that another woman has come in, and is strong, and will NOT let her have her way on everything(because I think alot of them are oblivious as to how they come off, and I think they’re unaware that maybe — JUST maybe — their opinions and their ways are not how the other woman wants to do their thing).
Some people like that.
Other boss wives may feel extremely threatened by someone who’s just as strong — and there may be a fight of some sort. She may demand this woman be removed from her kingdom. She may throw a fit, cry and scream. She may physically assault people.
She may pack her things and leave.
Boss wives do better when they are in their own houses, alone and without other wives around. A pseudo-monogamous state is best for them (whether they’ll agree with me or not). Other women should not be subjected to their whims if they don’t want.
Sometimes there’s a little “boss-wife” in every wife — if a woman knows her husband is inept, then maybe it’s good for her to take control of these situations. If she knows he may get hurt somehow in the situation, because truly the other woman is not a good fit. These particular times of “boss-wifery” make sense. What they lack is the selfishness.
So I guess the question is “How much of a boss-wife are you?”
…maybe someone should make a quiz to determine it lol.
(You are 75% boss-wife: Let’s face it, girlie, you’re leaning more toward the bitchy-side than you are toward the sisterly-side! Take a step back and let things relax a little; you’re ALLOWED to not be concerned about whether or not he’s kissed her yet!)
((I crack myself up))
If you go to my previous blog entry (…INTEGRITY…) and look in the comments section, you’ll see a response.
The response is from the second sister we ever suited.
We haven’t spoken to her in FIVE YEARS…
We lost contact and yet we were unknowingly in close proximity to her… she has been in and around the poly groups stealthily for a while and has now let it be known that she was privy to things that were going on behind our backs in this last courtship.
This has been a constant occurrence since we terminated the relationship — people coming out of the woodwork and telling us all the things that were going on behind our back the entire time…
That, and people coming out to personally apologize to us, by private message AND phone call, saying they misjudged us in the situation (the count, so far, is 8 — and it wasn’t our defense that exonerated us… they just had to hang around her a little longer…)
Please read what she has to say about us and this last situation —
August 13, 2014 at 11:52 pm
so I disappear for a while and come back and see videos about me- i deserved it lol. its all good, i just read your posts, sorry this has happened to you and cepha. in all honesty you and cepha are very good people. and i read the below posts and even i know if she said things like that about cepha its not true. during him talking to me he was a complete gentlemen and even offered to defend me from another male from a couple in a group who was harassing me, remember that? years ago. but anyway this girl seems horrible and seems like she lying on you and cepha. I never got the chance to meet you and him but his character in dealing with me wasn’t like that at all. he was funny and sweet and never lost his cool with me. and hes not a predator at all, he never mentioned anything sexual or disrespectful the entire time talking in fact it was i who was inappropriate. if its meant to be for another wife it shall be. this girl seems like she’s bouncing from man to man hopefully she doesn’t get pregnant or spread disease in between. shes a damn jezebel delilah type. sounds like honestly to me she is just a whore,from a broken home raising a broken home, and wouldn’t do right for a decent man trying to help her. yall was probably the only real chance she had at a family , cepha was probably the only real man she knew, and she didn’t know how to deal with a real man. and i do know you and cepha to be good people. don’t worry about her or what she says those people who condone her foolishness will change their minds once she gets in their home and sleeps with their husbands or ruin their lives with her gossip. besides if people believe htings like that without knowing the truth they must be living foul as well. birds of a feather flock together. im in those facebook groups as well and i watch and i say nothing. i only get on facebook once a month. i will say this though i have talked to a particular shady poly man whos in all the groups with his screwed up poly life ( another story for another day ) and i have heard from him things she said about yall but just recently learned who it was, you and cepha. small poly community we have i was shocked. and I know she said it because how else would he know details about her stay with you or yall wanting her to leave or yall sleeping together and she feels neglected cuz he’s in the middle of the bed with a arm around you but not one around her. or her saying yall gang up on her trying to make her a submissive wife so to keep the peace she pretends. or the first night when he had to convince her to sleep with him when he went to visit her and she didn’t want to be intimate, by the way I dont believe that one at all, he never came off that way on me and besides cepha is good looking i would have jumped his damn bones and ohhh i remember that sexy accent. (smile) She said to this guy whom by the way doesn’t like you or your husband and she knows this, this is why she was talking to him, called him every free minute to complain about yall, also another couple with a younger wife and a bunch of kids she kept fucking with her and picking on her so she wouldn’t tell info she thought that wife knew she said about yall. turns out that wife knew nothing. This chick was courting and phone sexing in ur house with this other guy major punk ass man always in women’s drama. Anyway i am rambling i just honestly wish yall the best you are good people. and i dont like what shes saying about yall. anyway see ya in the groups 🙂 side note bet you never would have thought to see me post her or defend yall right? me either. my soul wouldn’t let me rest until i did
August 13, 2014 at 11:57 pm
forgot to add congrats on the store
NASI — I am speechless… for SO MANY REASONS, lol.
I thank you. Wholeheartedly. Thank you, sis.
It is a situation we keep turning over and over and over in our heads. And every time, the outcome is NO, we didn’t do anything wrong to this person. This person said she was one thing…and turned out to be a completely different, NEGATIVE and HORRIBLE thing.
NASI — EMAIL ME. I wanna talk to you. lol I have a question.
…YES I think so.
I think we will not lower our standards. I thought we were all the same and shared the same level of potential in this life? I don’t think that anymore. No.
We’ll keep our standards.
And…we won’t be picking anyone from any of the polygyny groups.
No. YOU PEOPLE are TOO MUCH TROUBLE. No thanks, lol.
So keep talking bad about us to everyone you can. We aren’t taking that route, ever again.
It will be someone local to wherever we are.
We talk on the phone all the time, on the texts and FB msgr. They’re trying to work out a schedule because him and her, they are pretty much on the phone all day long. I don’t mind either way; it’s been me and him for a decade lol. I be right there (you like that bad English? WHATEVER I BE RIGHT THERE) when they talking.
She’s going to try to come and visit soon. I REALLY hope it all works out and that she will come (NOT like that LAST sister that claimed to be coming and then dropped out 45 minutes AFTER we went to pick her up at the airport!!).
She’s goofy, like me. Three dorks, together it’s hilarious.
We Skype/tango a lot. Whichever works better.
She likes to discuss and debate; she’s smart and has opinions.
No secrets. Fears and concerns are discussed. Because — we’re all westernized beings…and change, while painful, is cleansing.
He and I, when we met, we moved fast. She likes to move fast, too. So we will SEE what becomes of us.
I told them both, tho — that I’m getting old (ha, only early 30s but whatever). If this doesn’t work out, I may not do this again. Because when I get used to a person being in my life, even if it is just long distance like this is now — and it doesn’t work out and so I lose that person in some kind of fashion, my heart hurts. I am sad. I was SAD and DEPRESSED and we just stayed AWAY from courting.
So I don’t know if I wanna do it again, if this doesn’t work out.
WE ARE OKAY WITH NOT HAVING ANOTHER WIFE.
That’s not the depression.
It’s the same depression of any relationship break up. Why the break up? It wouldn’t matter — whether she did something or we did something or if it just was a mutual break up — I’ma be SAD man I’ma be soooo sad.
It’s like — you get married and you feel like you should never have to deal with breakup sadness again… with Nasi — aka, the Girl that Didn’t Exist (they call them catfishes now), major break up sadness, no closure… I have to set apart with myself to gain closure from even friendships when they dissolve…
So I hope and pray it all works out. We have a good time with this sister, she’s funny and corny and so are we. It’s easy to laugh with her. And it’s easy to be serious with her, as well, because she’s smart.
Where she’s from — she’s like the rose and grew from concrete.
Here is the FULL STORY of the TWO women we courted. We are not gamblers?? We went to Vegas once and were irritated when we won $5 and then lost $6. We never gambled again and that’s what it’s like lol, actively looking. So we take it easy now. IF someone were to come, so be it. But if it never happens, that’s fine too. 🙂
We did not mention names and I didn’t want to mention anything too particular in order to continue their anonymity…
The video is an hour long — first half for one potential, second half for the other.