Sometimes in polygyny you hear of the initial couple having a “fail-safe” of sorts, where, should any feelings change about this lifestyle at some point in the future, they will revert back to their monogamous relationship. The fail-safe is made due to the fact that the couple in question is knowingly getting into uncharted territory, and are unsure as to whether or not they’ll like it once they get in it — so they are attmepting to reserve the right to stop it and revert to monogamy simply based on if polygyny becomes emotionally stressful on them.
Sometimes this reversion happens when the couple is about to add or has added another wife to the family. This fail-safe, when enacted, has the potential to leave the subsequent wives/wives-to-be SOL. It doesn’t hinge on whether or not the subsequent wife has done anything wrong — it hinges on the feelings and desires of the initial COUPLE (which isn’t always based on reason and logic). This fail-safe indicates that the relationship between the husband and the initial wife is the most important, and that the relationships between the husband and any other subsequent wives is less important.
“Couple’s privilege” is something the polygynous world has yet to define. Polyamory/Non-monogamy/open-relationships have already established this as a “thing” that is in existence in some situations.
Let’s look at the definition from “those people” (lol) and convert it to relate to us polygynous folk, shall we?
Because it’s here, already. Whether explicit or implicit — it’s already here and for some of us seeking polygynous relationships, it is an active part of these relationships.
This is the base definition from this blogger “Solopoly.net” — Couple’s Privilege is “The presumption that socially sanctioned pair-bond relationships involving only two people (such as marriage, long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, or other forms of conventional intimate/life partnerships) are inherently more important, “real” and valid than other types of intimate, romantic or sexual relationships.” (http://solopoly.net/2013/02/05/couple-privilege-having-it-doesnt-necessarily-make-you-an-asshole-but-it-can/)
… “couple’s privilege” runs rampant in our “first-generation polygyny” community. Those of us that were not raised around polygyny, but are accepting of it or want it for ourselves, see this exhibited in our circles all the time — women who thought they were wives are kicked out because the first wife as pulled out her couple’s privilege card at some point during the family’s polygynous journey, and the husband has responded and has asked the other wives leave. Or a sister is being courted seriously by the husband in a family, then the husband cuts it off because — no matter how he likes her — the existing wife has pulled out her card, woman-be-damned.
And OFTEN, the existing wife doesn’t feel WRONG, the husband doesn’t check her in her wrongness, and a wife/potential wife is left out there like — what happened, who did it, and why.
Subsequent wives/potentials are expected to UNDERSTAND why this would happen, and are made to feel as if they are in the wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed (OFTEN by a man who’d said he LOVED her…).
The existing wife sometimes uses this privilege as leverage in the selecting of other wives, using it as a tool that allows HER to decide which woman she’s going to “let” into “her” family.
What she’s actually doing is leveraging someone ELSE’S marriage, whereas her own was never done like that — no one was there to successfully change the husband’s mind on the existing wife’s marriage to him, based on “feelings” and “emotions”.
How, then, can the incoming women be sure that this will never happen to them? Can she ask if the couple has this fail-safe in the deck for a J.I.C. (just in case) situation BEFORE she gets in deep with them? And will the couple be HONEST about having such a thing?
Because to have that sort of agreement does not benefit an incoming wife and her security in HER relationship with this man, or her position in the family, AT ALL.
It’s unfair. Subsequent wives/potentials are asked to consider the existing wife’s stance, when the other woman’s/women’s stance needs to be considered as well.
It’s like everyone initially seems kind and good and loving and selfless —
— until the situation gets a little uncomfortable —
— then people find they aren’t so kind.
They are not so selfless.
This should be discussed! Is it EVER a good thing?
“Hm…now that he’s all up on her, I’m a tad uncomfortable…ah-heh…”
Coarse: A Blog 
8 comments
Comments feed for this article
July 30, 2015 at 4:44 am
norfolkfiona
Nobody knows how they’ll react to polygamy until they’re in it. I have met many people who find the idea tantalizing, erotic even, and some who find the idea of having multiple spouses help with the children, house and economy attractive. That however is something quite different from actually living polygamy. I do believe that we can never ever give any kind of promises as to how we will react when push comes to shove, simply because we don’t know. So before becoming polygamous, we should be very careful not to promise that we’ll be fine, or promise that we will accept.
The problem you’re talking about here, well I can’t see a solution. The first spouse certainly has a right to leave the marriage if it is no longer what she wants. Don’t you think? Or should the first wife be made a slave? Because as long as the first spouse has a right to say “I’m sorry, but I find polygamy unbearable. I can’t live like this. I’m leaving” – there is a chance (or likelihood even) that the spouse will say “No – I’d rather divorce the newbie”, since those bonds are newer and weaker. especially if the first spouse says “Sorry, can’t cope with polygamy so I’m leaving AND TAKING THE KIDS” – the spouse is likely to drop #2 like a hot iron!
So, unless you can take away the first spouse’s right to leave, I don’t see how it would be possible to take away the “couple’s privilege”.
I simply believe that anybody who marries an already married person must realize that this person 1. already is committed to somebody else 2. That the married person has a stronger/longterm relationship with the first spouse 3. That the “I’ll leave you” card will never go away (with kids as extra leverage) 4. That you will never ever be able to rely on being a polygamous partner’s nr 1 priority.
I don’t see how anything else is possible.
July 31, 2015 at 12:59 pm
Dr3@MGYRL360
Blessings, sis.
I considered what you said and ultimately, you ARE correct, there’s kind of no way around it so long as having multiple spouses is not legal in our country.
The problem the black polygynous community is having is a whole slew of women who were once subsequent wives in polygynous households.
Whether or not they have children, they find themselves abandoned, pretty much.
It’s a REAL problem but I suppose we’ll all just have to “deal with it” until somebody legalizes it.
Because with legalization, subsequent spouses can be allowed some sort of recompense.
Thanks for responding! As always, a pleasure!
November 20, 2015 at 11:59 pm
Benni
Wow! Well said, all valid points. Certainly gives those of us who would willing join a family as second wife some things to think about.
August 1, 2015 at 12:44 am
Charles Barry Williams
interesting
August 1, 2015 at 5:46 am
norfolkfiona
I do see the problem, and my heart goes out to the women who are being abandoned by immoral men – extra heartfelt when there are children in the picture.
I can’t help but wonder: When living in a country where polygamy is de facto illegal, and where monogamy is the ideal and cultural norm – is it possible that a majority of the men who choose polygamy anyway are not the best of the bunch? I mean, that men who want to commit and who want to be good fathers to their children are more likely also to want to follow the law and the norm of society? Leaving polygamy to men who are fond of having a little something on the side? No offense, but in a society where polygamy is illegal, opting for a polygamous man might be the same thing as opting to buy at the 1$ Store…. Or is it common in the US that you find the polygamous men among the doctors, lawyers and engineers? The family men?
I hope you’re not offended, my question is an honest one.
I really enjoy your blog. You seem to be an honest, smart and warm person. I wish you happiness.
August 3, 2015 at 2:22 pm
Dr3@MGYRL360
With polygamy in the black community, there are alot of men who want lots of children, want to get off the grid, go back to the “roots” of it all. So it’s a different vibe — not many doctors, or lawyers or engineers — but certainly not dumb people. Accountability and responsible actions are praised. Of course tho, with any group of people, you’ll find those that aren’t as righteous as they should be with their decision-making — sometimes people’s hearts aren’t in the right place. Sometimes people get IN polygyny and find out that they did NOT know it was going to go like this!!
Since it’s NOT monogamy, a man has to be fair between his wives — I think you know that, tho — when there’s ANY unfairness, whether real or imagined, there are issues that crop up. So it’s a constant calibrating and doing one’s best to be equitable and beneficial to all parties, at the end of the day.
Just as there are unrighteous men in monogamy, they are to be found in polygyny, as well.
The fact that it is illegal, while it’s a concern, doesn’t stop people. Thomas Jefferson said “If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so”. The idea that consenting adults are not allowed to marry who they want to marry, and to spend their lives with who they want to, is a violation of their human rights.
Laws never stopped interracial relationships from happening between blacks and whites (because that’s what was REALLY against the law — both blacks and whites could marry WHOEVER ELSE they wanted in the late 1800s/early 1900s — but they were FORBIDDEN to marry each other). Black people and white people STILL found each other, STILL fell in love, and no laws made them say “uh oh, guess I better just turn off all this love I’m feeling for him/her”. They lived in secret, on the fringes, and shared entire lives together.
The same thing with homosexuals — no laws have EVER stopped them from doing what they do.
Laws will never stop polygamists. The ones who do it for religious reasons notwithstanding — every consenting adult is going to do what they want to do when it comes to loving people and building a life together. It will continue to go on.
And I’m certainly not offended. 🙂 I like to have respectful conversations about these things, instead of fighting and having to defend! Thank you so much and I wish you happiness as well!! Blessings!
August 5, 2015 at 9:24 am
ndhaynes11
Hello dreamgyrl360,
I love your Facebook page! It is honest straightforward and absent of romanticizing and delusion. My finance and I are a African American couple who has been together for 6 years and will be officially married next year. We have no kids, and I am 30 and she is 28. We are young professionals who are looking for an additional spouse to grow and build with. My question is how to find such a women? That is openly looking for such arrangement!
Thanks for Your help!
Btw are you on instagram?
August 7, 2015 at 12:43 pm
Dr3@MGYRL360
Blessings sis! I’m so happy that you guys like my page!
It’s difficult to find women that are open for this — you have to understand, we are all born and raised in Western Culture, where monogamy is hailed as the supreme relationship dynamic. To our society, anything that is NOT man-woman monogamy is frowned upon.
That being said — it’s not impossible. It’s not impossible to meet them walking down the street.
What you MUST have, is honesty and transparency. This means — if you meet sisters you like or vibe with, BEFORE you ask her on a date, you should mention that you are married and that you are looking for a polygynous relationship. You would be SURPRISED at the amount of women who will appreciate the honesty.
The best places to look for women that could even be slightly receptive are at any “conscious” events in your area — any natural hair parades, any vegan/vegetarian festivals, any pro-black meet ups, any Islamic or Hebrew Israelite events — go to these things, be open and nice, and MINGLE — talk to people!
If you want to try the Facebook groups (even tho I don’t fully advise it?? But I know people who have had luck through the internet), then inbox me on my facebook page and I’ll give you a few links and you can TRY the waters there. Those groups are ALREADY pro-polygyny.
What we have found is that the best relationships begin ORGANICALLY — that is, rather than coming together on the basis that we are all pro-polygyny, how about we come together for being FRIENDS — people that have common goals and other things in common and are teamplayers??
You’ll just have to try EVERYTHING and see what works best for you and your family.
I hope I helped a little!! 😉
Bless!!