You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘break ups’ tag.

com·mu·ni·ca·tion
kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: communication
  1. 1.
    the imparting or exchanging of information or news.
    “direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding”
    synonyms: transmission, conveyance, divulgence, disclosure; More

    dissemination, promulgation, broadcasting
    “the communication of news”
  2. 2.
    means of connection between people or places, in particular.
    • the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.
      plural noun: communications
      “satellite communications”
    • the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.
      “a city providing excellent road and rail communications”
    • the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.

Origin

hon·est
ˈänəst/
adjective
adjective: honest
  1. 1.
    free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.
    “I haven’t been totally honest with you”
    synonyms: truthful, sincere, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenuous, straight; More

    informalupfront, aboveboard, on the level
    “I haven’t been honest with you”
    antonyms: insincere

adverb

informal
adverb: honest
  1. 1.
    used to persuade someone of the truth of something.
    “you’ll like it when you get there, honest”

Alot of issues in marital relationships would be cleared up if people communicated with each other, and were honest with everyone in that relationship. Sometimes honesty will hurt other people — so honesty that’s going to hurt needs to be done with consideration on whether or not hurting that person is NECESSARY. (Example — unless that person’s weight is going to cause problems in your relationship with them, you may want to withhold the fact that you consider them fat. You don’t have to randomly tell that person they’re fat just because you thought it just now, and it’s the truth. It’s UNNECESSARY to say, and it’s hurtful). If it’s unnecessary, then you don’t say it.

Everything that it’s necessary to be said must be said and communicated. Break downs in communication cause people to think one thing is going on, when someone else is going on that may be altogether different from what that person thinks. If you aren’t communicating, then the situation may not be working.
You must communicate your needs and your wants and your opinions. Even if those things are different than what your spouse/spouses need, want or opine. Unless it’s hurtful and unnecessary, you need to tell them. That way, they know where you stand, they are aware of how you feel and what you want in life. And hey — if it’s not the same as theirs, and if it’s in any way important to any of you, then whatever needs to happen, should happen.
Ignoring what people are communicating to you is faulty. If a person says they don’t like something, like an action,  you need to make note of it.

Communicating and being honest in your communication allows many things to occur — you will be more aware of yourself and your spouse/spouses, and in being aware, you will be more considerate. Things will be more clear and more solid as to where you all stand with each other, and where you are in the relationship. If something has confused you, be clear that you are confused and ask for them to clarify what they have said.

I’m talking about communication because it seems to be real hard for people — alot of relationships I see that have broken up have done so because of major lacks of communication. Also, alot of people play games — they like to say things in a certain way, thereby manipulating what is heard and what is understood, and causing deception to enter the relationship.

What’s hard for the sisters that try to enter our household, is that we are communicators and we are honest. We don’t play games with our words. We WANT to be clear and we want to be understood and anyone that comes into this house, we want THEM to be clear, and we want THEM to be understood.
We have been married going on 11 years and like it or not, this relationship is a success so far. It’s almost not their fault — seems like all American men and women do, is play games on each other…
if your relationships is rife with game-playing, why don’t you two (or three or four) sit down, and really hash it out. There WILL be honesty and it MAY hurt. If there is love there, remember that you love each other, and that you’ll be better for it in the end. And then make a PACT that y’all are NOT enemies, and that you WILL communicate your feelings, your needs, your wants, your opinions, and that you will listen and HEAR the opinions of the others, and that you will be CONSIDERATE of them from this moment on, as you go forth into life together.

…and if you find you’re not as compatible as you thought, or if you find that you just can’t get past something, and THAT causes y’all to be incompatible… then hey, you’re no longer wasting everyone’s time, right??
And you can move forward and on to something that perhaps will be more “FOR” you.

This entry probably was not clear at all. lol And I don’t care. I did my best to convey my thoughts with this entry and I hope that you learned something.

Advertisements

in·teg·ri·ty

noun: integrity

1.the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

 

Let’s talk about honesty, and strong moral principles —

He decided to court her, because during the suiting phase she made herself seem compatible with us — coming from different paths, but moving in the same direction… and then we found out that alot of the stuff she told us about herself, which we based our compatibility on, wasn’t quite true…
When we met this person, she said she homeschooled her kids. We homeschool our kids, so that was awesome. When we met this person, she told us that she’d had polygyny experience.When we met this person she was asked how she made her money. She said she ran a couple of online businesses — which was great because we were in the process of starting our business.
When we met this person, she made herself seem driven, ambitious, and highly motivated.
When we met this person she made herself seem like she’d be a good fit for our family.
What do we find out?? On the homeschooling, we find out that’s not true in the LEAST — what happens is, her grandmother picks up the children in the morning, and takes them to daycare all day long, while she sits at home on her ass smoking weed and entertaining a bunch of people who are basically bums (no jobs and no interest in getting jobs). On her prior polygyny experience — when he asked her about it, turns out she and her youngest child’s father would invite another woman into their bed and she would hang around for a few days after (actually, what we found out was that this person had NEVER had a stable healthy or lasting relationship, in her life!). On how she made her money, we found out that she didn’t make any money from her online store and it was pretty much dead — no, the way she makes her money is to be a drug and prostitute liaison (meaning she sets you up with the people that have what you want and gets a cut from it — she’s the middle-man).
These are not things she told us, and that latter part we didn’t find out until close to the end of courtship!!!
She wanted to make herself seem as compatible as possible!
(EVERYTHING we told you about ourselves during the suiting phase — you came here and saw that it was TRUE! He told you from the JUMP he has a low tolerance for bullshit, and he will NOT let it into his house!)

We SUSPECTED she was talking bad about us behind our backs, because of the little snarky, passive aggressive shit people were saying (and one of them, I kept telling her — if you KNOW SO MUCH, why not say the shit? What the fuck you talking to me for if you not going to say the shit?). But we couldn’t prove it and when asked, she would always say NO. All off in THROUGH the relationship. And see, I told her REPEATEDLY if she had something she wanted to say, if she was upset about something, she should say it to US. Because that’s how we DO — we don’t go outside the family circle to talk bad about someone — we are going to do it RIGHT THERE, THEN AND RIGHT AWAY, to get to the bottom of the issue, so we can move past it. And POSSIBLY, if that means people aren’t compatible, then HEY — that may be the case! No biggie. But NO — she wanted to make herself seem as COMPATIBLE as POSSIBLE.
He was attracted to the person she sold herself AS. And, after realizing that THAT person was FAKE, his constant question was “what am I getting from this?”
The SAME THING she’s doing with ol’boy RIGHT NOW — LYING to him, pretending to convert to his belief! (and very recently, in the group, she even SAID that she doesn’t pray to any god but HERSELF!!! “but don’t tell you-know-who!” THATS THE KIND OF PREDATOR SHE IS — PREYING ON TRUSTING FAMILIES, FAKING COMPATIBILITY SO THAT SHE CAN BE RESCUED FROM HER SORRY SITUATION!!!)…and I heard that you “friends” of hers were HELPING her fabricate her compatibility with him — SHAME ON Y’ALL!! (but y’all all do the same tho — like that other one, who was hiding the fact that she smoked cigarettes from the man she was tryna marry — so why’m I surprised…)

She says that all she’s guilty of is not giving us full disclosure when she moved on. She’s going to spin it to the public in order to make herself seem not too much at fault — but that’s not what happened. She began talking to this dude a few weeks before we even broke up.

DO YOU HEAR THAT SHIT? SHE WAS ALREADY TALKING TO HIM BEFORE WE EVEN BROKE UP!!  And she STILL didn’t tell us. How we found out — she let him DISRESPECT my husband, texting him from HER phone! And to EXCUSE it, she said she was “afraid” to tell him.

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT INTEGRITY, BITCH???!?!?! YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT INTEGRITY??

WTF???

So what happened??
He and I had a conversation. We agreed that, no, she is completely untrustworthy. There’s been this feeling of not being able to trust her for MONTHS. Because of Y&Y, and the things they were saying to us, because of her need to be friends with people who she know damned well don’t even like us (because if you don’t like my husband, then we not friends. If you’re indifferent, that’s ONE thing — but to DISLIKE HIM and to HATE HIM, no, we can’t be friends. HE is A PART of ME. And if another sister ever joins this family, she’d have to feel the SAME WAY. WE are family!).
So we go to her, and we tell her on a phone call that we feel we can’t trust her. What does SHE say? “I haven’t said anything about y’all to anyone…what can I do to gain your trust back?”
-_-
LYING AGAIN. Not even strong enough to say “Well YES, I spoke to them, because this and that and the other” and whatever the fuck you want to talk to them about! Why not SAY IT??
BECAUSE SHE WAS PUTTING UP A FRONT THAT SHE WAS QUITE COMPATIBLE FOR THIS FAMILY.

…and she was talking to him… weeks before we even broke up…

And AGAIN — no booboo, we don’t just “look good on paper” — you already know, that’s why you call us your “prototype family” — because you already know that what we HAVE and what we ARE is something you’d LOVE to have and LOVE to BE in this life. That’s why you were going through so many lengths to be over here with us! YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE AT MY HOUSE, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE. You know he’s smart, you know he’s handsome, he works ALL DAY LONG, you know he works on the house ALL THE TIME, you know that when you weren’t messing up he’s gentle, loving, sweet, funny, you know that he don’t play when you’re bullshitting.

You know he won’t whup your ass, though. You know that. You know he won’t hit you. YOU know that if you refuse to listen, if you turn out to lie to the people you trying to build a life with all the time — that he will leave you. That’s what HAPPENED. He broke up with you, because you don’t LISTEN to GOOD counsel. He never told you to do anything bad or wrong — but YOU DON’T LISTEN. You lie. When he makes a decision, you nod your head and fake agreement —  YOU WANNA TALK FAKE??!?!?! Let him make a decision I don’t agree with!! I will TELL him, and we will discuss WHY, and he will CONVINCE me (although SOMETIMES, “baby, just trust me” is good enough). I never told you to do anything bad or wrong — but YOU wouldn’t listen to MY advice!!

People wanna talk about playing victim but this bitch STILL constantly calling y’all crying about THIS guy, now. This guy that she said was such a good man, that he was so great and so awesome — and WHO KNOWS?? CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE HER?? PERHAPS HER VIEW OF HIM IS DISTORTED, TOO!! PERHAPS SHE’S THE REASON HE HATED US SO MUCH — JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU DO! PERHAPS HE *IS* AWESOME!! AND PERHAPS SHE’S PAINTING HIM AS BAD AND EVIL AND SO CALLED BEATING HER AND SHIT. But she still crying to y’all about *him*.
And you allow her to do it. And you believe her — all of you are SO weak and manipulated by crocodile tears… and fake friendships…

UNDERSTAND that you burnt that bridge — MOVE ON ALREADY! STOP CONTACTING ME! STOP HOPING THAT WE’LL MAKE UP AND BE FRIENDS! WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP WAS CALLING YOU A POLYANDROUS WHORE, I DEFENDED YOU, INTRODUCED YOU TO MY HUSBAND AT YOUR REQUEST, I OPENED UP MY HOME TO YOU, AND YOU DISRESPECTED IT! And STILL, today, you LIE about it!

…and YOU wanna talk about INTEGRITY

I don’t understand people.
I have EXPERIENCE in DEALING with people. I know how to handle them.
But I don’t understand them, no.
I’ve handled people and their attitudes toward me since I was in the second grade.
I KNOW how to identify a friend versus a messy person (who would, in essence, be a friend to NO ONE).

Okay — let met explain what happened AFTER our break up. Maybe it will clear the picture up a little bit —

So we’d broken up, but as I said a few entries ago, we were all three still in contact, daily. Talking on the phone, having good conversations. She was still telling him she loved him, saying she didn’t know how she was going to get over him, saying she missed us. People were still skype-ing (I don’t skype. I’m shy. *shrugs* I’ll DO it but I don’t like doing that).
We saw online that she was on a flight to Maryland. She lives in California. She hadn’t told us about any travel plans — but hey, we weren’t together anymore, right? So okay, that’s fine. We assumed she was visiting family; she has family on the east coast.
She calls and talks to him on the phone both before leaving and after she arrives in Maryland. She calls him when she first sees snow — because she’d never seen snow before, and she thought it was beautiful. She wanted to share that with him. She called him, later that evening, to tell him, AGAIN, that she loved him very much, and didn’t know how she was going to get over the situation.
The next morning, there’s a post on Facebook in one of the polygyny groups. The post talks about a single woman in the group, of no name, who has been flying cross-country to have sex with various men, also in the group, of no name. The creator of the post expressed disgust and displeasure.
When WE read the post, we thought it was talking about HER. It made us feel bad for her, and he immediately wanted to warn and protect her.
So he called her, to tell her that there was a post, and no matter how it sounds, WE hadn’t said anything ill about her to ANYONE — but someone ELSE may have, and someone may have been trying to make her look bad.
They got on the phone with each other and start having regular, jovial conversation.
But he started to hear whispering in the background. And so, mid-sentence, he’s like “–who’s that whispering in the background?” It was a regular inquiry with no suspicion of anything weird.
But when she heard the question, she hung up on him, immediately.
He called her back. She picked up. “What did you say?” she asked. “The phone cut out and I didn’t hear you.”
So he asked again, because the whispering was still happening. “Who is that whispering –” then he stopped. He realized it might be a man. So he asked “– who did you go to Maryland to see?”
And she hangs up on him, AGAIN.
So he calls her over and over probably 4 times. Then he stops and he texts her “If you don’t want me to call you, let me know.”
It’s still no big deal — he just doesn’t want to mess things up for HER, if she’s seeing someone. But she hasn’t SAID that she’s seeing someone…
Who responds to her text, through the phone, is the GUY, this asshole who we’ve gotten into it repeatedly on facebook. He’s a complete pompous ass in his response, as well, he’s like “Don’t text her anymore, she doesn’t give a fuck”, and something like “I stole your woman she’s in the bed with me right now”, and “you better watch out before I take the other one” (talking about ME — I would NEVER be so disloyal in my LIFE to EVER consider leaving one man for another man that HATES HIS GUTS. I have NEVER been that kind of person).
My husband responds with something like “I’m not surprised” and he calls me and tells me about it. I FLIP OUT. How DARE SHE? I HEARD her on the phone the night before, I HEARD what she’d said! How you claim to be in love with someone, but you in the bed with another dude? How you claim to be a FRIEND and love people, and you don’t tell them that this is what you plan to do, and who you plan to be with?
We’d only been broke up a week. And this dude, in the text, is calling her his WIFE.
I called her phone and cussed her out because she was too cowardly to even pick up the phone. How DARE you let him say the things that he said to him?? WHY would you do it like THAT? Do you HATE us? Y’know what I’m sayin? (like we’re really talking right now)
I went on facebook and messaged her a whole lot of angry things, and then I texted her a whole lot of angry things and that asshole dude RESPONDED for her AGAIN. She’s such a bitch for that I don’t know what to do right now it’s been months since that happened but HELL YEAH I’m still mad when I think on it too hard.
I couldn’t write it any time before now because I get SOOOO angry about it.

So a week later, the polygyny group hosts a women-only friday night conference call. And I get on the call and everything is amiable. When I speak, SHE responds “OMG! Hiii, Rebecca!” — speaking to me as if that was okay.
I flip out AGAIN.
And everyone thinks I was wrong for that but FUCK — what if it happened to THEM? Let’s see how THEYD react!
So we’ve cussed each other out completely on the call, ruining the call completely for everyone else.
The next day, she runs on facebook and into the groups and starts saying mean things. Her little stupid fat friend with her fat face starts joining in. I don’t know what SHE has to do with anything, but she’s a horrible person, because she likes to get into other people’s business when she was no where in the situation at all.
We have all been on thin ice with each other, ever since.

ALOT of the people don’t believe anything I say about the situation, because they feel they know her. She’s so-called “honest” with them, and so-called “real” in their book — because she talks about sex with them and they all get real crass and vile and nasty when they talk about sex — and I don’t do that with THEM, because HEY — I DONT KNOW YOU LIKE THAT. WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT I LIKE AND HOW I LIKE IT? I talk to my CLOSE friends about stuff like that, but I’ve known them since elementary school. I DON’T KNOW THEM.
She talks to them on the phone and I am SIMPLY not a phone talker. My besties and I don’t talk on the phone often, what makes you think I wanna talk to you when I don’t know you? You want to get to know each other? Move here and we’ll meet up face to face and then we’ll know each other. But I’m not a phone-chatter I got other things to do…
So they believe her off the bat and claim I’m not consistent with my personality (because when I’m angry, I will flip out on you — what they don’t know is, I’m like that FACE TO FACE I’ve fought ALOT in my life, and if I get angry I’m quick to possibly yank you real quick, depending on how I feel at the moment). I am whoever I am. It is whatever it is. However I feel is how I feel. I’m NICE, when you meet me. I’m pleasant. Most no-good people will think I’m weak, when they meet me, and they’ll try to take advantage of me (there’s a girl online and she just thinks I’m an idiot. She’s bossy and she’s curt and rude and tries to get me to do things SHE wants me to do, and then she likes to talk about me behind my back to the point where people have to tell her to calm down on that… smh and that’s why when she does messiness and I am aware of it, I go ahead and let people know she’s being messy. Because I’m NOT stupid, I’m just not a messy little prick. That’s all).
I am. WHOEVER. I am. And it IS. WHATEVER. It is.
These people who are so quick to believe everything this girl says (that she says because SHE’s hurt because she hurt US, and she feels BAD but can’t bring herself to just ACKNOWLEDGE how messed up that was, and how she feels BAD about it… so she seeks to make us look bad) they believe her because THEY NEVER LIKED US IN THE FIRST PLACE. We’re fit, we’re attractive, we’re striving for success. We travel, we are well-read, we are liked by NICE people. People from the polygynous groups on facebook, when they come to town, they meet up with us, and they GENUINELY like us. Because we’re REAL — we SAY we homeschool our children, and we DO and it’s OBVIOUS because our kids are EDUCATED and POLITE. We SAY we have a store and we DO and it’s OBVIOUS because our customers LOVE US and they ALWAYS speak well of us. We SAY we travel and we DO and it’s OBVIOUS because, well because of the pictures, of course lol and the fact that, for example, my husband went and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, reached the top summit, and ended up in the newspaper back in his country for being the FIRST of his countrymen to summit the mountain…
Our friends and family members are great people (we’re all only lightly dysfunctional and every family is lol), but they’re all nice and good people and don’t tend to try to ruin other people’s lives with their antics. Not typically. lol

So at the end of the day, I’m always feeling blessed. And people hate us for who we are and how we area and they’d feel better if we were how she wants to describe us right now…

Okay. That’s what she did. That’s why we were hurt. NOT the break up. That was never the problem and was INITIATED by us.

We’re great.

She’s great.

We talk on the phone all the time, on the texts and FB msgr. They’re trying to work out a schedule because him and her, they are pretty much on the phone all day long. I don’t mind either way; it’s been me and him for a decade lol. I be right there (you like that bad English? WHATEVER I BE RIGHT THERE) when they talking.
She’s going to try to come and visit soon. I REALLY hope it all works out and that she will come (NOT like that LAST sister that claimed to be coming and then dropped out 45 minutes AFTER we went to pick her up at the airport!!).
She’s goofy, like me. Three dorks, together it’s hilarious.
We Skype/tango a lot. Whichever works better.
She likes to discuss and debate; she’s smart and has opinions.
No secrets. Fears and concerns are discussed. Because — we’re all westernized beings…and change, while painful, is cleansing.
He and I, when we met, we moved fast. She likes to move fast, too. So we will SEE what becomes of us.
I told them both, tho — that I’m getting old (ha, only early 30s but whatever). If this doesn’t work out, I may not do this again. Because when I get used to a person being in my life, even if it is just long distance like this is now — and it doesn’t work out and so I lose that person in some kind of fashion,  my heart hurts. I am sad. I was SAD and DEPRESSED and we just stayed AWAY from courting.
So I don’t know if I wanna do it again, if this doesn’t work out.
WE ARE OKAY WITH NOT HAVING ANOTHER WIFE.
That’s not the depression.
It’s the same depression of any relationship break up. Why the break up? It wouldn’t matter — whether she did something or we did something or if it just was a mutual break up — I’ma be SAD man I’ma be soooo sad.
It’s like — you get married and you feel like you should never have to deal with breakup sadness again… with Nasi — aka, the Girl that Didn’t Exist (they call them catfishes now), major break up sadness, no closure… I have to set apart with myself to gain closure from even friendships when they dissolve…
So I hope and pray it all works out. We have a good time with this sister, she’s funny and corny and so are we. It’s easy to laugh with her. And it’s easy to be serious with her, as well, because she’s smart.

Where she’s from — she’s like the rose and grew from concrete.

Advertisements