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I already said on my facebook fanpage that the experience of first wives will not be the same as the experience of second wives, and neither of the two will share the same experience as the third wife. Wives coming in after #3 tend to share similar experiences, and the FINAL wife will have her own experience.
In order for Wife-to-wife (W2W) interactions to be positive, all of the wives must understand that they aren’t having the same experience, and they should TRY to put themselves in the other wifes’ shoes and think of the type of behavior THEY would like out of someone in their place.
It’s called empathy. A level of understanding between two people.
Alot of the time that’s where the issues come in. We come into these relationships (and it happens in monogamy all the time!) and we want to continue to be an individual, dwelling in the same time and space as another individual or set of individuals.
So when it comes to benefiting the unit, we are mainly focused on self and what WE are getting from the unit, and not on what others aren’t getting.
First wives have to remember that a new wife coming in is going to need to be able to create her own place in the family. That means you can’t expect them to come in and be EXACTLY how *you’d* planned for them to be. No — you HAVE to make allowances for her to have her own flavor, do things her own way. You have to be flexible to change…because adding someone to a family is a BIG change no matter HOW that person is added.
(Women that can’t do this probably need their own house/space)
The second wife is the first wife to be added to the already-existing unit. She’s like a guinea pig (UNFORTUNATELY and for lack of a better word at this moment, lol). It’s almost guaranteed that MOST mistakes will be made here, by all parties involved. This is the first time there were two wives, this is the first time the husband has had two wives. Often this is the first time the two women have openly “shared” the same man (hate that term), and so the entire thing is very new and very different for everyone involved. This wife has to remember that the existing wife is opening up her family and possibly her home to her. She should show herself to be a friend to the existing wife, by seeing the needs of the existing unit, and helping in whatever capacity she can.
After the second wife, every wife added on after her tends to have it easier (I’m going off of what I HEAR from a NUMBER of polygynous families from ALL walks of life — Islam, Hebrew Israelites, Mormons, pagans, Christians, etc. what I’m saying is almost universal here if people are doing their best to be “good” people, which the AVERAGE person is trying to be).
There ARE times where a family adds on alot of wives in a short time-period. This is a significantly harder situation — the kinks will not have been ironed out, lol, and so all these people are coming in without a solid base to hold on to…
All should understand that insecurities and sometimes even ugly, ugly jealousies may come up. It may all be misunderstandings, but that’s what communication is for.
I’m a strong believer in communicating; all of the relationships that do well have immense communication, truth and honesty. So even when it comes to these W2W issues, it’s fruitful to address it as soon as possible. It is WRONG to let things fester if they are in ANY way going to affect your interactions with each other, or by extension, the unit itself.
Every wife has to understand that other wives are not going to be cardboard cut-outs with no personality and no “ways” to contend with. They aren’t going to be how you are about things and they aren’t going to handle things the way you do. They are flesh and blood human beings, just like you, who, for the most part (– and I say that because there are WICKED people in this world and if you haven’t learned THAT while following this blog I’onno what else to tell you) deserve a peaceful, loving and happy home, where they are allowed to bring their characteristics to the table to blend in and mix with the other family members, to create something beautiful and successful.
This is why the title of that book is SO poignant — ‘We Want for Our Sisters what We Want for Ourselves’.
That’s so very important in polygyny.
If you don’t keep that phrase in the forefront of your mind doing this, problems will rear their ugly heads everywhere.
Do you know how to be a friend? I mean a REAL friend — not one of these online-only friends, telephone-only friends, skype-only friends. Those relationships are nice and they have their place. But I’m talking about being a friend to those in your physical vicinity. Do you know how to be a REAL, TRUE friend??
For the most part I am EVERYONE’s friend on the internet. Yes! For the most part! If you come to me and you need help with something on the internet, lol, like researching, or finding something — I’m there for you. If you want to just talk about things, vent, exchange ideas and knowledge and information — I’m there for you! Absolutely; I love to learn, let’s learn!
But in real-life relationships…I only have maybe less than 50 people I can call full-fledged friends, and 3 of those are my best-of-the-best-besties that NO ONE has yet to trump as important to my life (note: a sister-wife would trump them. We’re sharing the same man, we’re sharing our days together. So yeah — you’d be more important, co-wifey).
We don’t have a perfect relationship. We get INTO it (OMG) when it’s bad it’s bad, lol. But we ACTIVELY insist on being friends with each other, and have been like that since we met. We are NOT the same — each one of us is her own type of person. But we share the same sense of humor (for the most part) and we have alot of HISTORY together. Lots of remember-whens that connect us to each other.
I talk to these women every day — probably pretty much ALL day, on and off, most of the time. There are times when we’re all busy — we all have families, we have careers, we have lives. I’m Hebrew, one is Christian, the other one is something in between the two with some Islam tossed in and the other one is Christian-lite — lol I don’t think she’s much interested at all in beliefs but she doesn’t NOT believe she’s just indifferent.
So we are friends through our differences and our opinions. We’ll tease each other, we’ll give each other hard advice, we’re there when someone needs to cry (ITS NEVER ME *points at friends* YALL A BUNCH A CRY BABIES lol — no I just get MAD when y’all cry and want to hurt the source of your sadness. I want to beat it to a pulp — how dare that situation make you cry!!! I HATE IT for you!!! I invoke Lil John on your sadness for you lol)
We are our OWN party — if we invite one another to something, we KNOW WE gone have fun, if ain’t nobody else having fun. WE will enjoy one another’s company, each other’s jokes, we’ll do our old-school dance routines together.
We wanna go out and someone like “I don’t have any money” if we REALLLY want them to go people are like “COME! I’ll pay for you don’t worry about it JUST COME!!”
We love each other very much.
Relationships take work but this friendship between us is something effortless. We are just there. When I moved away for 3 or so years, still talked daily via email. I’m the one who DOESNT talk on the phone — they all talk on the phone even tho we text and message each other all damned day. I’m busy I have to have absolutely NOTHING else to tend to for me to want to be on the phone. So they don’t tend to call me and visa versa and IM OKAY WITH THAT. When I call, we talk. When they call, we talk.
We have a few friends outside of our little circle. Those girls are our closest friends — they have THEIR besties and we love THEIR besties, so there’s all these intertwining circles that make up who we are as a group of people. Some people like each other more than others, others don’t like each other in the LEAST — but hey, we will ALL go out together, we will ALL have a blast together, we attend each other’s parties, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings — our kids go to each other’s parties and if we’ve ALL got 3 kids or thereabouts that’s a built in PARTY-extravaganza lol.
We used to have alot of events at our house (our house isn’t big but we have a big-sized backyard for our city, and a large front yard, as well) and there’d be all these kids, all these adults…the men would BBQ, drink beer and smoke (if they smoke) OUTSIDE, and they’d keep an eye on the children who were on our swingset, or in the pool we used to have, or just playing volleyball…and all the women — the MAJORITY of the women — would be inside the house, having a drink, preparing side-dishes to go with the meat, and talking about CRAZINESS, fits of laughter and when a man came in to get something everyone would stop talking and look at him and he’d be like “—I just…came to get the sauce…”
“Okay…”
And he’d grab it and back out of the room through the patio door, and we’d ALL bust out laughing.
You need ANYTHING from this net of people — we gotchu, don’t worry. Everybody has some way to assist you in whatever it is — need a job? Someone can find you a job. You need a place to stay, someone will find you a place to stay. You looking for a date? We got someone we can fix you up with, even if it’s just for an event, lol.
I don’t know… I don’t understand other people and this is why — my relationships are already established and here, and no matter WHAT I DO, or what THEY DO, no matter WHAT the madness is — they will TELL YOU YOU WRONG, YES, but they love you through it. You’ll still be friends, if you can take them telling you what you need to hear about you and what you got going on.
Most of them know I’m polygynous-minded. Extended friends will offer up other friends and be like “She need to join y’all’s family” and that person will giggle and be like “Y’all staahp!”
We are TRUE friends. Not perfect, no — people betray and stuff falls apart but you take your time and you put it back together.
We not going anywhere.
But you can’t come into this net of people and be new (SOMETIMES people are new — I’ve made two new friends in the past decade that have been almost completely absorbed into The Circle, lol. You can’t even tell that I MET THEM FIRST, lol.) and then do some fucked up shit. No. That will get you FOR SURE cut off. And EVERYONE will cut you off.
ANYWAAAAAY…I don’t think people really know how to be friends. You have to actively commit to the friendship, you have to prove yourself and over time it will be shown that yes, you and that person are friends.
But that online-friendship — you’re only friends to a certain extent. In comparison to real-life friendships…it’s NOTHING. You have NO real history, nothing tangible.
I’ve known polygynists for many years.
Long before Facebook.
I’ve been fascinated with this lifestyle for a long time.
I’ve read their stories and hear their situations — the good and the bad.
We decided we wanted this for ourselves, that — if it could happen, that’d be great.
We officially courted a sister for 8 months — a real, live situation, where people who had personalities, feelings, wants, emotions, goals, etc attempted to create something together.
If you’ve read through my previous entries (and if you’ve known us through the Facebook groups), you already know that it fell through and was ultimately disastrous in nature. It was like Hiroshima, lol — so many emotional explosions and deaths lol (I’m laughing over here; forgive me lol my humor is dark).
So I have a sense of what goes on. I know what happens. My own situation tells me things, along with the knowledge of many other polygynists who had families long before we decided we wanted this.
I hear the stories of first wives, and the stories of second wives, and the stories of subsequent wives…I’ve heard the stories of husbands. I’ve known families where people have DIED (because humans, we die…we all die, eventually) and I’ve seen how they’ve coped with that death. I’ve seen how they’ve dealt with illness, with betrayal, with abuse… with happiness, additions and new lives. I’ve seen so much of it!
For years I think, there — all conversations with the Dreamgyrl led to polygyny (just like for years, there — all conversations led to Hebraic, biblical discussions for me).
I was a zealot.
I have mellowed out.
A little.
lol
So, let’s talk about something that I know that happens.
Let’s talk about hiding wives.
Some of us want to do polygyny so bad and we know damned well nobody around us thinks it’s right. We know about the judging and the persecution of polygynous people. Wives are told that they are weak and stupid for being in a relationship like this one. Husbands are called pimps and dogs and philanderers — no matter how righteous, good and moral they and their wives may be…they are called lusty, nasty, freaks…
People have the tendency to treat you differently when they know that you’re sharing a husband/have two wives…
So, what tends to happen is, a family will add on a wife or two — a couple will add a third to their situation — but they, being well aware of what this lifestyle may bring in regards to their social interactions, tend to believe it’s best to not tell people that that other woman — standing in there, staying in that room upstairs, sitting in the car alone, or who answered the phone the other day — is a wife to this family.
What I have heard from women in this type of situation, these hidden wives, is that it’s a depressing place to be. They aren’t referred to as wife when introduced. When family comes in that’s related to the original couple/family unit, that wife is to stay away, or to just be a “friend” at the event — no hand-holding, no lingering glances, no conversation that looks more than friendly. She is put away until it’s safe for her to come out.
It begs the question — are they truly members of the family? Or is she just a toy, being played with?
I’m a first-wife. All I can do is have sympathy for the woman in that situation that lives her life in the shadows and in secret. As a human being I can empathize and say that it’s not fair to her — she’s worthy of being recognized to everyone as this man’s wife, just as the first gets that recognition.
If the fear is the judgement of friends and family — “what will mom say that I’m sharing him?” “What will my mother say, that I’m bringing in another wife?” — my question to you is, when do you STOP living your life to please these other people, and start living life to please YOURSELF? If this is a step you just cannot take (because you know how judgmental your family is, how closed-minded they are and how ignorant they are — but you love them and don’t want them to look bad upon you) — then why do polygyny at all? Why seek this out? You’re bringing in another person just to HURT them, to stifle a relationship! NO relationship does well in secret. A rose in the dark doesn’t grow well — it might grow a little, but its growth will be slow and retarded. It will not reach it’s full potential.
Just don’t do it. If you’re not strong enough to deal with that end of things, then just don’t. Stay in your monogamous relationship and don’t come out of it.
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you were to tell your family and you find that they’re NOT as close-minded and ignorant and judgmental as you thought they would be? Perhaps they have a few choice words for you — but ultimately they still love you? I mean — ask homosexuals, they come out all the time and are often met with a different reaction than what they thought. SOMETIMES friends and family are surprising (“I’ll love you through it”) but you have to give them the CHANCE to surprise you.
Of COURSE you DO have your situations where you find yourself being disowned. My question is — what kind of person wants to stay connected to people who disown them over the people THEY choose to build their lives with?? If those people you’re choosing aren’t abusive, lazy deadbeat or junkies that will cause you to die or end up in jail because of illegal antics — and your family disowns you and hates you for your choice — who wants to be connected to those types, ANYWAY??
I mean at the end of the day, your parents bed who they WANT to bed. They go to sleep with who they want to go to sleep with. They’ve built their lives with who they wanted to build their lives with.
Why can’t YOU have the same freedom?
It’s unfair to you, as an adult.
Polygyny needs to come out of the shadows; not everyone has to do it, not everyone has to like it. But the dynamic needs to be respected and accepted — because these are consenting adults that WANT this lifestyle and it makes them happy.
Don’t hide your wives.
And I’m not talking about anything that endangers your livelihood — if you work for Chik-Fil-A, lol, and your polygynous family is against how they understand scripture to decree, then hey — until you’re done working there, perhaps it’s good not to tell them, lol. But maybe start looking to work for ANOTHER place where they won’t try to make your employment contingent upon your beliefs and your personal life. MAYBE. That’d be a great idea.
If you go to my previous blog entry (…INTEGRITY…) and look in the comments section, you’ll see a response.
The response is from the second sister we ever suited.
We haven’t spoken to her in FIVE YEARS…
We lost contact and yet we were unknowingly in close proximity to her… she has been in and around the poly groups stealthily for a while and has now let it be known that she was privy to things that were going on behind our backs in this last courtship.
This has been a constant occurrence since we terminated the relationship — people coming out of the woodwork and telling us all the things that were going on behind our back the entire time…
That, and people coming out to personally apologize to us, by private message AND phone call, saying they misjudged us in the situation (the count, so far, is 8 — and it wasn’t our defense that exonerated us… they just had to hang around her a little longer…)
Please read what she has to say about us and this last situation —
August 13, 2014 at 11:52 pm
nasi
so I disappear for a while and come back and see videos about me- i deserved it lol. its all good, i just read your posts, sorry this has happened to you and cepha. in all honesty you and cepha are very good people. and i read the below posts and even i know if she said things like that about cepha its not true. during him talking to me he was a complete gentlemen and even offered to defend me from another male from a couple in a group who was harassing me, remember that? years ago. but anyway this girl seems horrible and seems like she lying on you and cepha. I never got the chance to meet you and him but his character in dealing with me wasn’t like that at all. he was funny and sweet and never lost his cool with me. and hes not a predator at all, he never mentioned anything sexual or disrespectful the entire time talking in fact it was i who was inappropriate. if its meant to be for another wife it shall be. this girl seems like she’s bouncing from man to man hopefully she doesn’t get pregnant or spread disease in between. shes a damn jezebel delilah type. sounds like honestly to me she is just a whore,from a broken home raising a broken home, and wouldn’t do right for a decent man trying to help her. yall was probably the only real chance she had at a family , cepha was probably the only real man she knew, and she didn’t know how to deal with a real man. and i do know you and cepha to be good people. don’t worry about her or what she says those people who condone her foolishness will change their minds once she gets in their home and sleeps with their husbands or ruin their lives with her gossip. besides if people believe htings like that without knowing the truth they must be living foul as well. birds of a feather flock together. im in those facebook groups as well and i watch and i say nothing. i only get on facebook once a month. i will say this though i have talked to a particular shady poly man whos in all the groups with his screwed up poly life ( another story for another day ) and i have heard from him things she said about yall but just recently learned who it was, you and cepha. small poly community we have i was shocked. and I know she said it because how else would he know details about her stay with you or yall wanting her to leave or yall sleeping together and she feels neglected cuz he’s in the middle of the bed with a arm around you but not one around her. or her saying yall gang up on her trying to make her a submissive wife so to keep the peace she pretends. or the first night when he had to convince her to sleep with him when he went to visit her and she didn’t want to be intimate, by the way I dont believe that one at all, he never came off that way on me and besides cepha is good looking i would have jumped his damn bones and ohhh i remember that sexy accent. (smile) She said to this guy whom by the way doesn’t like you or your husband and she knows this, this is why she was talking to him, called him every free minute to complain about yall, also another couple with a younger wife and a bunch of kids she kept fucking with her and picking on her so she wouldn’t tell info she thought that wife knew she said about yall. turns out that wife knew nothing. This chick was courting and phone sexing in ur house with this other guy major punk ass man always in women’s drama. Anyway i am rambling i just honestly wish yall the best you are good people. and i dont like what shes saying about yall. anyway see ya in the groups 🙂 side note bet you never would have thought to see me post her or defend yall right? me either. my soul wouldn’t let me rest until i did
Reply
August 13, 2014 at 11:57 pm
nasi
forgot to add congrats on the store
NASI — I am speechless… for SO MANY REASONS, lol.
I thank you. Wholeheartedly. Thank you, sis.
It is a situation we keep turning over and over and over in our heads. And every time, the outcome is NO, we didn’t do anything wrong to this person. This person said she was one thing…and turned out to be a completely different, NEGATIVE and HORRIBLE thing.
NASI — EMAIL ME. I wanna talk to you. lol I have a question.
in·teg·ri·ty
noun: integrity
1.the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness
Let’s talk about honesty, and strong moral principles —
He decided to court her, because during the suiting phase she made herself seem compatible with us — coming from different paths, but moving in the same direction… and then we found out that alot of the stuff she told us about herself, which we based our compatibility on, wasn’t quite true…
When we met this person, she said she homeschooled her kids. We homeschool our kids, so that was awesome. When we met this person, she told us that she’d had polygyny experience.When we met this person she was asked how she made her money. She said she ran a couple of online businesses — which was great because we were in the process of starting our business.
When we met this person, she made herself seem driven, ambitious, and highly motivated.
When we met this person she made herself seem like she’d be a good fit for our family.
What do we find out?? On the homeschooling, we find out that’s not true in the LEAST — what happens is, her grandmother picks up the children in the morning, and takes them to daycare all day long, while she sits at home on her ass smoking weed and entertaining a bunch of people who are basically bums (no jobs and no interest in getting jobs). On her prior polygyny experience — when he asked her about it, turns out she and her youngest child’s father would invite another woman into their bed and she would hang around for a few days after (actually, what we found out was that this person had NEVER had a stable healthy or lasting relationship, in her life!). On how she made her money, we found out that she didn’t make any money from her online store and it was pretty much dead — no, the way she makes her money is to be a drug and prostitute liaison (meaning she sets you up with the people that have what you want and gets a cut from it — she’s the middle-man).
These are not things she told us, and that latter part we didn’t find out until close to the end of courtship!!!
She wanted to make herself seem as compatible as possible!
(EVERYTHING we told you about ourselves during the suiting phase — you came here and saw that it was TRUE! He told you from the JUMP he has a low tolerance for bullshit, and he will NOT let it into his house!)
We SUSPECTED she was talking bad about us behind our backs, because of the little snarky, passive aggressive shit people were saying (and one of them, I kept telling her — if you KNOW SO MUCH, why not say the shit? What the fuck you talking to me for if you not going to say the shit?). But we couldn’t prove it and when asked, she would always say NO. All off in THROUGH the relationship. And see, I told her REPEATEDLY if she had something she wanted to say, if she was upset about something, she should say it to US. Because that’s how we DO — we don’t go outside the family circle to talk bad about someone — we are going to do it RIGHT THERE, THEN AND RIGHT AWAY, to get to the bottom of the issue, so we can move past it. And POSSIBLY, if that means people aren’t compatible, then HEY — that may be the case! No biggie. But NO — she wanted to make herself seem as COMPATIBLE as POSSIBLE.
He was attracted to the person she sold herself AS. And, after realizing that THAT person was FAKE, his constant question was “what am I getting from this?”
The SAME THING she’s doing with ol’boy RIGHT NOW — LYING to him, pretending to convert to his belief! (and very recently, in the group, she even SAID that she doesn’t pray to any god but HERSELF!!! “but don’t tell you-know-who!” THATS THE KIND OF PREDATOR SHE IS — PREYING ON TRUSTING FAMILIES, FAKING COMPATIBILITY SO THAT SHE CAN BE RESCUED FROM HER SORRY SITUATION!!!)…and I heard that you “friends” of hers were HELPING her fabricate her compatibility with him — SHAME ON Y’ALL!! (but y’all all do the same tho — like that other one, who was hiding the fact that she smoked cigarettes from the man she was tryna marry — so why’m I surprised…)
She says that all she’s guilty of is not giving us full disclosure when she moved on. She’s going to spin it to the public in order to make herself seem not too much at fault — but that’s not what happened. She began talking to this dude a few weeks before we even broke up.
DO YOU HEAR THAT SHIT? SHE WAS ALREADY TALKING TO HIM BEFORE WE EVEN BROKE UP!! And she STILL didn’t tell us. How we found out — she let him DISRESPECT my husband, texting him from HER phone! And to EXCUSE it, she said she was “afraid” to tell him.
YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT INTEGRITY, BITCH???!?!?! YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT INTEGRITY??
WTF???
So what happened??
He and I had a conversation. We agreed that, no, she is completely untrustworthy. There’s been this feeling of not being able to trust her for MONTHS. Because of Y&Y, and the things they were saying to us, because of her need to be friends with people who she know damned well don’t even like us (because if you don’t like my husband, then we not friends. If you’re indifferent, that’s ONE thing — but to DISLIKE HIM and to HATE HIM, no, we can’t be friends. HE is A PART of ME. And if another sister ever joins this family, she’d have to feel the SAME WAY. WE are family!).
So we go to her, and we tell her on a phone call that we feel we can’t trust her. What does SHE say? “I haven’t said anything about y’all to anyone…what can I do to gain your trust back?”
-_-
LYING AGAIN. Not even strong enough to say “Well YES, I spoke to them, because this and that and the other” and whatever the fuck you want to talk to them about! Why not SAY IT??
BECAUSE SHE WAS PUTTING UP A FRONT THAT SHE WAS QUITE COMPATIBLE FOR THIS FAMILY.
…and she was talking to him… weeks before we even broke up…
And AGAIN — no booboo, we don’t just “look good on paper” — you already know, that’s why you call us your “prototype family” — because you already know that what we HAVE and what we ARE is something you’d LOVE to have and LOVE to BE in this life. That’s why you were going through so many lengths to be over here with us! YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE AT MY HOUSE, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE. You know he’s smart, you know he’s handsome, he works ALL DAY LONG, you know he works on the house ALL THE TIME, you know that when you weren’t messing up he’s gentle, loving, sweet, funny, you know that he don’t play when you’re bullshitting.
You know he won’t whup your ass, though. You know that. You know he won’t hit you. YOU know that if you refuse to listen, if you turn out to lie to the people you trying to build a life with all the time — that he will leave you. That’s what HAPPENED. He broke up with you, because you don’t LISTEN to GOOD counsel. He never told you to do anything bad or wrong — but YOU DON’T LISTEN. You lie. When he makes a decision, you nod your head and fake agreement — YOU WANNA TALK FAKE??!?!?! Let him make a decision I don’t agree with!! I will TELL him, and we will discuss WHY, and he will CONVINCE me (although SOMETIMES, “baby, just trust me” is good enough). I never told you to do anything bad or wrong — but YOU wouldn’t listen to MY advice!!
People wanna talk about playing victim but this bitch STILL constantly calling y’all crying about THIS guy, now. This guy that she said was such a good man, that he was so great and so awesome — and WHO KNOWS?? CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE HER?? PERHAPS HER VIEW OF HIM IS DISTORTED, TOO!! PERHAPS SHE’S THE REASON HE HATED US SO MUCH — JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU DO! PERHAPS HE *IS* AWESOME!! AND PERHAPS SHE’S PAINTING HIM AS BAD AND EVIL AND SO CALLED BEATING HER AND SHIT. But she still crying to y’all about *him*.
And you allow her to do it. And you believe her — all of you are SO weak and manipulated by crocodile tears… and fake friendships…
UNDERSTAND that you burnt that bridge — MOVE ON ALREADY! STOP CONTACTING ME! STOP HOPING THAT WE’LL MAKE UP AND BE FRIENDS! WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP WAS CALLING YOU A POLYANDROUS WHORE, I DEFENDED YOU, INTRODUCED YOU TO MY HUSBAND AT YOUR REQUEST, I OPENED UP MY HOME TO YOU, AND YOU DISRESPECTED IT! And STILL, today, you LIE about it!
…and YOU wanna talk about INTEGRITY…
In the Beginning, I was very zealous and excited.
I would proselytize everywhere and share it everywhere.
Now for the most part I feel like what I know is lost on people.
And so I don’t waste my time.
Still Torah Observant. Still seeking on building my relationship with The Most High.
I’m just not talking to anyone about it. *shrugs* I talk to my kids about it. They are my focus when it comes to these things. My husband says if you believe in a concept, you should definitely teach it to your children. And so I do.
I even speak to my kids about polygyny. It’s a part of Hebraic life. You WILL meet people where there are more than one wife. And one day, daddy MAY have a second wife. Maybe.
When it comes to my husband and I —
I have heard some really snarky remarks and I’ve been meaning to address them for MONTHS since I first heard them. I just keep FORGETTING because I am a forgetful sprite and these things DO happen.
People get mad and, when arguing with my husband, don’t want me to intervene or interject. They feel I’m helping him in his argument and that I shouldn’t.
I don’t think you guys understand the concept of unity, of echad, of plural oneness.
WE ARE ONE. You argue with him, you arguing with me, and visa versa. No woman that is not this man’s wife is going to argue with him and me not get involved in that. I don’t know what you think this marriage thing is. If your marriage isn’t like that then guess what I feel SORRY for you. Sounds to me like you don’t give a damn about each other to take the “I’m not in that; that’s him” stance. No. If I have something to say in an argument he’s in, even if it’s with him arguing with a man, I’m going to say it. The ONLY person that would make me NOT say it — is HIM. If HE told me “stay out of this” I will HAPPILY stay out of it. But I have my own mind, my own views, my own opinion and my own points when people are arguing and I will say them. You ain’t got to like it but that is the level of the relationship that we have, over here. I can argue with him, and you can’t. You become his woman, and you can argue with him lol. But ANYBODY else — ANNNNYYYBOOODDDYYYY ELLSSE — don’t expect to argue with him and me not be in on that.
Again, I dunno what you think this is.
We are one. WE ARE ONE. We are two individuals who are interdependent on one another. We are not dependent on people outside of this relationship. WE DONT NEED ANYONE OUTSIDE OF THIS. We are for each other because we are THIS family unit.
Once, we were trying to go on vacation and what was supposed to be a two-hour layover turned into a four-hour layover. We travel alot and we know how to travel with children — when it comes to a layover or a long flight, I make sure they have tons of little toys and coloring books and colors — I tend to steal their toys from their happy meals and store them away for times such as those.
I knew that I had just enough toys to get through the two-hour layover in Atlanta. Snacks and all that.
When it turned into a four-hour layover, I was properly screwed. The kids were fussing, they were arguing, they were crying, as soon as two hours was up lol.
That stress rolled over to me and him. WE became attitudinal, we started fussing and arguing with each other, over what I can’t even remember. But finally the plane came and people were boarding, but he had questions for the airline — what, I can’t recall. But he went over to the desk and asked his question to the flight attendant.
This chick responded in such an EXTREMELY rude manner, I was appalled (it was American Airlines, by the way). My husband’s West Indian (Caribbean), so he’s got an accent even after being here for so long. I could tell that this bitch (SORRY) had her attitude because of him being #1 Black, and #2 a foreigner.
So what happened?
Did I just leave him out there to deal with that alone, because he and I were currently at odds?
NO. I got into action, I walked up to that desk and I scolded that woman and I scolded her SO BADLY she was clutching her chest like she was having a heart attack. I SHAMED her — for SHAME!! — and I told her she was doing him like that because he was black and had an accent. She was like “Ohmagaawddd I wasn’t! I wasn’t!” Yes you were. -_- lol But THEN they somehow scurried around and found him an answer, I know that much.
AINT NO WAAAAAYYY you will get to disrespect MY husband and me not get on you. You’re on one if you think that’s the case.
And if you let women/people that aren’t wives of your husband argue with him and disrespect him? You are one disloyal bitch and you should be checked WITHIN YOURSELF and change that. You must not like him if that’s the case. You are NOT a helpmeet.
And if you think ANYTHING I’ve ever said in my blog or in my videos is wrong about relationships — let me know, but guess who’s been in the same relationship for a decade, guess who’s got all her kids by that ONE man, guess who’s husband is still VERY attracted and “attached” to her? Guess who’s got a successful family unit that’s low on dysfunction and high on productivity?
Guess who, huh?
I suppose you’d do well to listen if you’re not doing as well as or better than we are.
And you DO know, that the ONLY reason I say these things these days is because of the monster you hating me/hating on me has caused me to become.
As I said before, all this has had a major effect on my way of thinking, a major change in my psyche. We are NOT all the same. We are NOT all on the same level and apparently we don’t have the same propensity for success. Now I get it! No WONDER people are poor, no WONDER people are fat, no WONDER people are cheating or staying in relationships where they’ve been cheated on! No WONDER the black polygynous community’s such a joke!! People calling people husband and wives and ain’t made no moves in the last year to move in together because they doing OTHER lame bullshit. REASONS are EXCUSES. The REASON you haven’t done it yet — spare me — that’s an EXCUSE. Excuses are WEAK. Unless you’re sick, dying or dead there’s no excuses! NONE!
You guys don’t have the same drive. That’s why you’re where you are, that’s why we’re where WE are. That’s why. You lack drive. You lack productivity. You lack intelligence. You’re too prideful about the WRONG shit. Your priorities are wrong. Why is THAT what you’re caring about? Why do you have time to make fake profiles harassing people on the internet you don’t even personally know? Bwahahahaaa lames.
You’re bored. You have nothing to do because you have no goals, and if you have goals, you’re TOO LAZY to work toward them.
Disgust, distasteful, dredges-of-society people.
You have nothing of substance going on in your lives.
Why y’all choose to be on THAT team, is BEYOND me. I don’t get it. But you’ll stay there because of pride in the wrong shit.
And you know what? Losers have NEVER liked me.
I GUESS THATS A BLESSING.
If you are pro-polygyny, and you are out here in the big, big western world… and you can’t find anyone who agrees with you… or you’re afraid to tell friends and family or to talk to ANYONE for fear of judgement and persecution… or PROSECUTION, if you’re already polygynous (it’s an issue for Mormons lol)…
You don’t HAVE to be alone!
PEOPLE THAT FEEL LIKE YOU, ARE OUT THERE!!!!
THEY’RE ALL OVER FACEBOOK!!!!!
…you just have to seek us out.
If you want to link up, connect with and speak to others that are *like* you — hit me up on Facebook — dreamgyrl360 — message me — and I’ll get you to a group of people that are like you…
Because polygyny is NOT full of theists (although there are ALOT) — there are so many different kinds of polygynists! It’s just a matter of getting in where you fit in!
I know Christian polygynists, Jewish polygynists, Muslim polygynists, Hebrew Israelite polygynists, Pan-African polygynists, Atheist polygynists, Yoruba polygynists, spiritualist polygynists…
I’ll put you in contact.
Because while the majority of the Facebook polygyny community right now is not a group of people I particularly “like” (nor is it a group of people that particularly like ME — See previous post where Tom had balloons, as the feelingks iz mutwul, mon ami) — I know that people that NEED answers, that NEED support — they can find it in these groups.
They are necessary. And they’re good for that.
You have some sort of polygynous question or query, some issues in your relationship, some curiosity about any of it — you can ask it there and get true-to-life answers.
And that’s great.
Alright another customer — let me get off.
BLESSINGS!!!
Polygyny is not the problem. Monogamy isn’t the problem, polyandry isn’t the problem, polyamory isn’t the problem…
The relationship dynamic is never the problem.
It’s the people that are the problem. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I understand it takes two (or more!) to tango. But if you can’t say you did all that you could to make that relationship be the best it could be, then you also are at fault.
I’m jaded. And every day I try to be positive about polygyny, it’s hard for me to be. I understand the CONCEPTS of it all. But that LAST situation? SMH
*shrugs* I did my best. I was nice (I’m always nice and if I wasn’t nice to you, it’s because you did something to me. But other than when I’m PROVOKED, I’m always nice and sweet and I overlook alot of stuff). I was helpful. I was understanding. I would try to mediate. I would try to give suggestions (which weren’t taken). I tried to be an example. And so, as a first wife, to think on the POSSIBILITY of doing it again, it’s like. No. We’re fine how we ARE. Why put myself through it all again? Why put our family through that shit again?
We’re happy. He’s happy with me, I’m happy with him. We argue, we MOVE PAST IT, we get over it. When we argue, whatever it’s about, we try to get it ALL OUT right then and there, tackle ALL the issues. We don’t just leave the issues there to fester and show up another time. If that argument’s gonna take all day/night, we’re gonna get to the bottom of it so we don’t have to deal with it again.
No matter how she tries to peg it, I’m not ultra submissive. We argued twice while she was here. Two huge arguments, yes. And I cried, yes. People in relationships have arguments. You’re trying to be a unit and everyone has their own minds and opinions and are not the same people or the same temperament. So yeah — you gone have to hash it out from time to time. What’s at the basis of our arguments is the fact that we love each other, we’re a family, and we’re going to get to the other side of that argument and still love each other, and want each other and want to BE with each other. There WILL be making up. There WILL be cuddles and soft words. There WILL be kisses and hugs.
I don’t sit around in this relationship and agree with everything he says. If I agree, I agree. But if I DONT, he’ll hear it. It’s good counsel, for the man to hear a differing opinion and/or have to prove HIS opinion is the proper one to have. If he can convince me, I’m 100% down. But I have to be convinced. Because that fake agreeing? You’re like “Yes, you’re right. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh” and then, when he walks off, you know you don’t agree. And then you’re mad. And you’re tearing him down to people on the phone. Even if he was right. No one knows that because you’re mad, you weren’t convinced, and you did not agree. You fake unity, and then it all falls apart because you’re not even on the same page.
…am I being obscure? I’m not trying to be. I’m just typing.
So okay — science has proven how the ability to trust another human being helps a relationship. If you put your trust in someone and they prove to you that they can be trusted, your brain rewards you with some oxytocin release — which is also known as the love hormone.
Every time. No matter who it is.
And when you put your trust in someone, and they break that trust, you don’t get your oxytocin reward. And so they’re chipping at that “love” that a person could feel for them.
Every time.
No matter who it is.
Not only that, but it causes the person who was betrayed to distrust human beings more, on a general level.
I have ALREADY spent my life in situations where my name was been slandered and drug through the mud. I sound like Miss Sophia — “All my life I had to fight!” Well it’s true. I been fighting all my fuckin life for my honor as a human being, but there’s always some jealous, hating ass bitches waiting to try to so-called “ruin my life” (since thats what one particular person said to me in my inbox — YOUR WORDS DUMMY NOT MINE). I live in this shit. (Sorry — let me stop cursing it’s a habit like cigarettes these days; I release a slew of curse words and feel better.) I have ALWAYS lived in this format of people talking bad about me BEHIND MY BACK, sometimes smiling in my face or if they’re bold enough they’ll say it. I have ALWAYS fought people. We have always gotten physical.
But now, in the age of social media, it’s a bunch of people I don’t REALLY know and they don’t REALLY know me. They’re not even IN this city. And I’ve never been a person that could handle a bunch of arguing. We’ll be yelling and screaming and I’ll just start hitting and we’ll be fighting. Can’t do that online.
There’s no point in me BOTHERING to fight this, or BOTHERING to try to see things from my end. This particular person, who mentioned off-hand about ruining my life, as if I had been the one to make that claim (I NEVER DID and it’s so telling) — when HER family was in a situation where the woman they courted allegedly lied or walked away with some distorted view of what had gone on between she and them, we defended that family, we kept people off of them, we convinced people to not draw any conclusions on their situation until they’d heard the entire story! People were ready to burn them at the stake. When the woman we were trying to create a family with refused to listen to my husband about picking on this family, that’s when he broke up with her! Because at the moment, she hated that family’s guts — the wife is in her mid 20s, while the husband is I guess in his 50s? Maybe his 40s. I can’t remember. And she wouldn’t stop. When the break up occurred, my husband tried putting a little trust in these people, and he called the husband and talked to HIM about the break up. My husband doesn’t do that with anybody (because just like me, it’s been a life of defending himself).
So we put trust in these people, and then a while later, when shit really starts to hit the fan, what do we find out but that his wife — who CAME to me when she saw that it was me that was defending her family on the front lines of HER shit — we find out that she’s knee-deep in our drama, but she’s over there with the woman we tried to build with. AGAINST me.
So there you go — once again, trust put into people, and paid back with betrayal.
And what’s funny to me is, people act like I’m supposed to be okay with the shit. I’m supposed to be cool — I’m supposed to KEEP my cool and REMAIN CALM and all this shit when I’ve been betrayed. I’m not supposed to tell ANYTHING on either of them. I’m not supposed to retaliate.
If we were in the same city we wudda been done fought already, me and these bitches females. But we’re not. So fighting fat girls won’t happen any time soon…and the only thing I can do is cut them out of my life completely.
…So at this time, trust in other human beings, from this family over here, is slim.
And it all gives me such a negative outlook. I’m like no, no thank you — I can only trust Cepha, and the friends I’ve had my whole life. I don’t want you in my circle. I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want a sister-wife anymore. It’s too much trouble. You single bitches females are mostly crazy (it’s why you’ve been single for so long) and I’m not feeling like searching through the haystack for that needle. No. No. NO.
P.S. — I think part of the reason alot of these people are mad is because I’m attractive to them. I’m not fat, I’ve got a nice shape, my husband’s attractive too (he can go to the waterpark/beach and not have to wear a shirt because he’s got his muscles; I’m still in bikinis and I’m 34 and have 3 kids, and I still rarely wear make up — I still don’t HAVE to). We’re intellectually stimulating (for the sapiosexuals), we’re logical most of the time, I’m nice and happy and people (who AREN’T jealous) naturally find me interesting. Cepha is not as nice (it’s the testosterone) but he’s happy and people (who AREN’T jealous) naturally find him intriguing.
So you’ve got all that, plus the fact that we do what we say we’re gonna do — we’re financially efficient, we travel, he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, took me to Paris for my 30th birthday, we homeschool our kids, we eat fruits and vegetables over meat, and we opened our beauty supply store. Two of our vehicles were paid off within 3 years of purchase, and the third one, we bought, cash.
So if you told them “You’re jealous” and they said “Pssht! Of WHAT? What are THEY to be jealous of?!?” ^^^ that’s it, right there. They’re just mad because they’re on section 8 and they’re perverted, they’re fat and unhealthy, they’re lazy and unattractive, nothing they do ever pans out, their goals are so small that they never even thought of doing certain things, they’re not smart enough to do certain things, etc etc.
…that’s what’s wrong. We’re just better at life than they are.
That’s why we apparently couldn’t have ever been friends. We were toning ourselves down for that…
In some cultures, men can take wives and the other wives will not be able to say yea or nay on the matter.
The man will go off, acquire a new bride, bring her home and everyone is expected to adjust accordingly.
This seems, to me, to leaves wives in a position to where they have no say over who they will build a family with.
That type of polygyny makes me sad. We don’t have to be in any way alike, we don’t have to like any of the same things. We can be our own types of people. All I ask for is a team-player mentality, the WANT to build this empire for the betterment of all of us.
There are women who are preaching that NO, the existing wives should have NO SAY. I SUSPECT it’s because they themselves are recently acquired wives and perhaps the existing wives were saying no to her being the one to join the family. And the husband invoked his “you have no say”-ness to it, and married her anyway. These women have no loyalty to the Universal Sisterhood of All Women, which dictates that you don’t allow these kinds of things to happen to your sister. You don’t allow her “choice” to be taken away.
What about existing wives in monogamy that DONT want a polygynous relationship?
YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER FORCE THEM. Even if you feel as if it’s your God-given right! YOU DONT DO IT. You’ve already got a wife. You should love her in the same way that you love yourself! You’d never FORCE yourself in such a situation. No — you value yourself TOO MUCH for that!
You can try convincing her, you can educate her on it, you can insist she read up on it and at least CONSIDER changing her view of it. But if she’s a decent wife, caring for house and home…and loving you…there’s no reason other than selfishness to steamroll past her dislike of polygyny. Don’t hurt that relationship with her for something that MAY NOT WORK OUT ANYWAY, thanks to the brokenness of people’s minds today.
You’ll be like that dog who had a small bone and when he looked in the water he saw a dog with a larger bone. He was unaware that this was his reflection and decided that he wanted THAT dogs bone. But in order to get THAT larger bone, he’d have to drop his own bone. So he let out a fierce bark and dropped his bone. He went after what he saw as the larger bone, and lost his small bone in the process. When he jumped in the water, the dog he saw, and it’s larger bone, disappeared.
…You don’t do that.
Please. Allow your wives to have a say. When they say it, dig into why they feel the way they feel and give it a consideration. You owe it to them, because you’d want people to do that for you in such a MAJOR situation (because taking on wives is NOT child’s play — wives are people with feelings, emotions, personalities, mindsets, etc and they deserve respect and consideration).
…YES I think so.
I think we will not lower our standards. I thought we were all the same and shared the same level of potential in this life? I don’t think that anymore. No.
We’ll keep our standards.
And…we won’t be picking anyone from any of the polygyny groups.
No. YOU PEOPLE are TOO MUCH TROUBLE. No thanks, lol.
So keep talking bad about us to everyone you can. We aren’t taking that route, ever again.
It will be someone local to wherever we are.
Coarse: A Blog 