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I’ve known polygynists for many years.
Long before Facebook.
I’ve been fascinated with this lifestyle for a long time.
I’ve read their stories and hear their situations — the good and the bad.
We decided we wanted this for ourselves, that — if it could happen, that’d be great.
We officially courted a sister for 8 months — a real, live situation, where people who had personalities, feelings, wants, emotions, goals, etc attempted to create something together.
If you’ve read through my previous entries (and if you’ve known us through the Facebook groups), you already know that it fell through and was ultimately disastrous in nature. It was like Hiroshima, lol —  so many emotional explosions and deaths lol (I’m laughing over here; forgive me lol my humor is dark).
So I have a sense of what goes on. I know what happens. My own situation tells me things, along with the knowledge of many other polygynists who had families long before we decided we wanted this.
I hear the stories of first wives, and the stories of second wives, and the stories of subsequent wives…I’ve heard the stories of husbands. I’ve known families where people have DIED (because humans, we die…we all die, eventually) and I’ve seen how they’ve coped with that death. I’ve seen how they’ve dealt with illness, with betrayal, with abuse… with happiness, additions and new lives. I’ve seen so much of it!
For years I think, there — all conversations with the Dreamgyrl led to polygyny (just like for years, there — all conversations led to Hebraic, biblical discussions for me).
I was a zealot.
I have mellowed out.
A little.
lol

So, let’s talk about something that I know that happens.
Let’s talk about hiding wives.

Some of us want to do polygyny so bad and we know damned well nobody around us thinks it’s right. We know about the judging and the persecution of polygynous people. Wives are told that they are weak and stupid for being in a relationship like this one. Husbands are called pimps and dogs and philanderers — no matter how righteous, good and moral they and their wives may be…they are called lusty, nasty, freaks…
People have the tendency to treat you differently when they know that you’re sharing a husband/have two wives…
So, what tends to happen is, a family will add on a wife or two — a couple will add a third to their situation — but they, being well aware of what this lifestyle may bring in regards to their social interactions, tend to believe it’s best to not tell people that that other woman — standing in there, staying in that room upstairs, sitting in the car alone, or who answered the phone the other day — is a wife to this family.

What I have heard from women in this type of situation, these hidden wives, is that it’s a depressing place to be. They aren’t referred to as wife when introduced. When family comes in that’s related to the original couple/family unit, that wife is to stay away, or to just be a “friend” at the event — no hand-holding, no lingering glances, no conversation that looks more than friendly. She is put away until it’s safe for her to come out.

It begs the question — are they truly members of the family? Or is she just a toy, being played with?

I’m a first-wife. All I can do is have sympathy for the woman in that situation that lives her life in the shadows and in secret. As a human being I can empathize and say that it’s not fair to her — she’s worthy of being recognized to everyone as this man’s wife, just as the first gets that recognition.

If the fear is the judgement of friends and family — “what will mom say that I’m sharing him?” “What will my mother say, that I’m bringing in another wife?” — my question to you is, when do you STOP living your life to please these other people, and start living life to please YOURSELF? If this is a step you just cannot take (because you know how judgmental your family is, how closed-minded they are and how ignorant they are — but you love them and don’t want them to look bad upon you) — then why do polygyny at all? Why seek this out? You’re bringing in another person just to HURT them, to stifle a relationship! NO relationship does well in secret. A rose in the dark doesn’t grow well — it might grow a little, but its growth will be slow and retarded. It will not reach it’s full potential.
Just don’t do it. If you’re not strong enough to deal with that end of things, then just don’t. Stay in your monogamous relationship and don’t come out of it.

But what if you’re wrong?
What if you were to tell your family and you find that they’re NOT as close-minded and ignorant and judgmental as you thought they would be? Perhaps they have a few choice words for you — but ultimately they still love you? I mean — ask homosexuals, they come out all the time and are often met with a different reaction than what they thought. SOMETIMES friends and family are surprising (“I’ll love you through it”) but you have to give them the CHANCE to surprise you.

Of COURSE you DO have your situations where you find yourself being disowned. My question is — what kind of person wants to stay connected to people who disown them over the people THEY choose to build their lives with?? If those people you’re choosing aren’t abusive, lazy deadbeat or junkies that will cause you to die or end up in jail because of illegal antics — and your family disowns you and hates you for your choice — who wants to be connected to those types, ANYWAY??

I mean at the end of the day, your parents bed who they WANT to bed. They go to sleep with who they want to go to sleep with. They’ve built their lives with who they wanted to build their lives with.
Why can’t YOU have the same freedom?
It’s unfair to you, as an adult.

Polygyny needs to come out of the shadows; not everyone has to do it, not everyone has to like it. But the dynamic needs to be respected and accepted — because these are consenting adults that WANT this lifestyle and it makes them happy.

Don’t hide your wives.

And I’m not talking about anything that endangers your livelihood — if you work for Chik-Fil-A, lol, and your polygynous family is against how they understand scripture to decree, then hey — until you’re done working there, perhaps it’s good not to tell them, lol. But maybe start looking to work for ANOTHER place where they won’t try to make your employment contingent upon your beliefs and your personal life. MAYBE. That’d be a great idea.