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I’ve known polygynists for many years.
Long before Facebook.
I’ve been fascinated with this lifestyle for a long time.
I’ve read their stories and hear their situations — the good and the bad.
We decided we wanted this for ourselves, that — if it could happen, that’d be great.
We officially courted a sister for 8 months — a real, live situation, where people who had personalities, feelings, wants, emotions, goals, etc attempted to create something together.
If you’ve read through my previous entries (and if you’ve known us through the Facebook groups), you already know that it fell through and was ultimately disastrous in nature. It was like Hiroshima, lol — so many emotional explosions and deaths lol (I’m laughing over here; forgive me lol my humor is dark).
So I have a sense of what goes on. I know what happens. My own situation tells me things, along with the knowledge of many other polygynists who had families long before we decided we wanted this.
I hear the stories of first wives, and the stories of second wives, and the stories of subsequent wives…I’ve heard the stories of husbands. I’ve known families where people have DIED (because humans, we die…we all die, eventually) and I’ve seen how they’ve coped with that death. I’ve seen how they’ve dealt with illness, with betrayal, with abuse… with happiness, additions and new lives. I’ve seen so much of it!
For years I think, there — all conversations with the Dreamgyrl led to polygyny (just like for years, there — all conversations led to Hebraic, biblical discussions for me).
I was a zealot.
I have mellowed out.
A little.
lol
So, let’s talk about something that I know that happens.
Let’s talk about hiding wives.
Some of us want to do polygyny so bad and we know damned well nobody around us thinks it’s right. We know about the judging and the persecution of polygynous people. Wives are told that they are weak and stupid for being in a relationship like this one. Husbands are called pimps and dogs and philanderers — no matter how righteous, good and moral they and their wives may be…they are called lusty, nasty, freaks…
People have the tendency to treat you differently when they know that you’re sharing a husband/have two wives…
So, what tends to happen is, a family will add on a wife or two — a couple will add a third to their situation — but they, being well aware of what this lifestyle may bring in regards to their social interactions, tend to believe it’s best to not tell people that that other woman — standing in there, staying in that room upstairs, sitting in the car alone, or who answered the phone the other day — is a wife to this family.
What I have heard from women in this type of situation, these hidden wives, is that it’s a depressing place to be. They aren’t referred to as wife when introduced. When family comes in that’s related to the original couple/family unit, that wife is to stay away, or to just be a “friend” at the event — no hand-holding, no lingering glances, no conversation that looks more than friendly. She is put away until it’s safe for her to come out.
It begs the question — are they truly members of the family? Or is she just a toy, being played with?
I’m a first-wife. All I can do is have sympathy for the woman in that situation that lives her life in the shadows and in secret. As a human being I can empathize and say that it’s not fair to her — she’s worthy of being recognized to everyone as this man’s wife, just as the first gets that recognition.
If the fear is the judgement of friends and family — “what will mom say that I’m sharing him?” “What will my mother say, that I’m bringing in another wife?” — my question to you is, when do you STOP living your life to please these other people, and start living life to please YOURSELF? If this is a step you just cannot take (because you know how judgmental your family is, how closed-minded they are and how ignorant they are — but you love them and don’t want them to look bad upon you) — then why do polygyny at all? Why seek this out? You’re bringing in another person just to HURT them, to stifle a relationship! NO relationship does well in secret. A rose in the dark doesn’t grow well — it might grow a little, but its growth will be slow and retarded. It will not reach it’s full potential.
Just don’t do it. If you’re not strong enough to deal with that end of things, then just don’t. Stay in your monogamous relationship and don’t come out of it.
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you were to tell your family and you find that they’re NOT as close-minded and ignorant and judgmental as you thought they would be? Perhaps they have a few choice words for you — but ultimately they still love you? I mean — ask homosexuals, they come out all the time and are often met with a different reaction than what they thought. SOMETIMES friends and family are surprising (“I’ll love you through it”) but you have to give them the CHANCE to surprise you.
Of COURSE you DO have your situations where you find yourself being disowned. My question is — what kind of person wants to stay connected to people who disown them over the people THEY choose to build their lives with?? If those people you’re choosing aren’t abusive, lazy deadbeat or junkies that will cause you to die or end up in jail because of illegal antics — and your family disowns you and hates you for your choice — who wants to be connected to those types, ANYWAY??
I mean at the end of the day, your parents bed who they WANT to bed. They go to sleep with who they want to go to sleep with. They’ve built their lives with who they wanted to build their lives with.
Why can’t YOU have the same freedom?
It’s unfair to you, as an adult.
Polygyny needs to come out of the shadows; not everyone has to do it, not everyone has to like it. But the dynamic needs to be respected and accepted — because these are consenting adults that WANT this lifestyle and it makes them happy.
Don’t hide your wives.
And I’m not talking about anything that endangers your livelihood — if you work for Chik-Fil-A, lol, and your polygynous family is against how they understand scripture to decree, then hey — until you’re done working there, perhaps it’s good not to tell them, lol. But maybe start looking to work for ANOTHER place where they won’t try to make your employment contingent upon your beliefs and your personal life. MAYBE. That’d be a great idea.
If you go to my previous blog entry (…INTEGRITY…) and look in the comments section, you’ll see a response.
The response is from the second sister we ever suited.
We haven’t spoken to her in FIVE YEARS…
We lost contact and yet we were unknowingly in close proximity to her… she has been in and around the poly groups stealthily for a while and has now let it be known that she was privy to things that were going on behind our backs in this last courtship.
This has been a constant occurrence since we terminated the relationship — people coming out of the woodwork and telling us all the things that were going on behind our back the entire time…
That, and people coming out to personally apologize to us, by private message AND phone call, saying they misjudged us in the situation (the count, so far, is 8 — and it wasn’t our defense that exonerated us… they just had to hang around her a little longer…)
Please read what she has to say about us and this last situation —
August 13, 2014 at 11:52 pm
nasi
so I disappear for a while and come back and see videos about me- i deserved it lol. its all good, i just read your posts, sorry this has happened to you and cepha. in all honesty you and cepha are very good people. and i read the below posts and even i know if she said things like that about cepha its not true. during him talking to me he was a complete gentlemen and even offered to defend me from another male from a couple in a group who was harassing me, remember that? years ago. but anyway this girl seems horrible and seems like she lying on you and cepha. I never got the chance to meet you and him but his character in dealing with me wasn’t like that at all. he was funny and sweet and never lost his cool with me. and hes not a predator at all, he never mentioned anything sexual or disrespectful the entire time talking in fact it was i who was inappropriate. if its meant to be for another wife it shall be. this girl seems like she’s bouncing from man to man hopefully she doesn’t get pregnant or spread disease in between. shes a damn jezebel delilah type. sounds like honestly to me she is just a whore,from a broken home raising a broken home, and wouldn’t do right for a decent man trying to help her. yall was probably the only real chance she had at a family , cepha was probably the only real man she knew, and she didn’t know how to deal with a real man. and i do know you and cepha to be good people. don’t worry about her or what she says those people who condone her foolishness will change their minds once she gets in their home and sleeps with their husbands or ruin their lives with her gossip. besides if people believe htings like that without knowing the truth they must be living foul as well. birds of a feather flock together. im in those facebook groups as well and i watch and i say nothing. i only get on facebook once a month. i will say this though i have talked to a particular shady poly man whos in all the groups with his screwed up poly life ( another story for another day ) and i have heard from him things she said about yall but just recently learned who it was, you and cepha. small poly community we have i was shocked. and I know she said it because how else would he know details about her stay with you or yall wanting her to leave or yall sleeping together and she feels neglected cuz he’s in the middle of the bed with a arm around you but not one around her. or her saying yall gang up on her trying to make her a submissive wife so to keep the peace she pretends. or the first night when he had to convince her to sleep with him when he went to visit her and she didn’t want to be intimate, by the way I dont believe that one at all, he never came off that way on me and besides cepha is good looking i would have jumped his damn bones and ohhh i remember that sexy accent. (smile) She said to this guy whom by the way doesn’t like you or your husband and she knows this, this is why she was talking to him, called him every free minute to complain about yall, also another couple with a younger wife and a bunch of kids she kept fucking with her and picking on her so she wouldn’t tell info she thought that wife knew she said about yall. turns out that wife knew nothing. This chick was courting and phone sexing in ur house with this other guy major punk ass man always in women’s drama. Anyway i am rambling i just honestly wish yall the best you are good people. and i dont like what shes saying about yall. anyway see ya in the groups 🙂 side note bet you never would have thought to see me post her or defend yall right? me either. my soul wouldn’t let me rest until i did
Reply
August 13, 2014 at 11:57 pm
nasi
forgot to add congrats on the store
NASI — I am speechless… for SO MANY REASONS, lol.
I thank you. Wholeheartedly. Thank you, sis.
It is a situation we keep turning over and over and over in our heads. And every time, the outcome is NO, we didn’t do anything wrong to this person. This person said she was one thing…and turned out to be a completely different, NEGATIVE and HORRIBLE thing.
NASI — EMAIL ME. I wanna talk to you. lol I have a question.
in·teg·ri·ty
noun: integrity
1.the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness
Let’s talk about honesty, and strong moral principles —
He decided to court her, because during the suiting phase she made herself seem compatible with us — coming from different paths, but moving in the same direction… and then we found out that alot of the stuff she told us about herself, which we based our compatibility on, wasn’t quite true…
When we met this person, she said she homeschooled her kids. We homeschool our kids, so that was awesome. When we met this person, she told us that she’d had polygyny experience.When we met this person she was asked how she made her money. She said she ran a couple of online businesses — which was great because we were in the process of starting our business.
When we met this person, she made herself seem driven, ambitious, and highly motivated.
When we met this person she made herself seem like she’d be a good fit for our family.
What do we find out?? On the homeschooling, we find out that’s not true in the LEAST — what happens is, her grandmother picks up the children in the morning, and takes them to daycare all day long, while she sits at home on her ass smoking weed and entertaining a bunch of people who are basically bums (no jobs and no interest in getting jobs). On her prior polygyny experience — when he asked her about it, turns out she and her youngest child’s father would invite another woman into their bed and she would hang around for a few days after (actually, what we found out was that this person had NEVER had a stable healthy or lasting relationship, in her life!). On how she made her money, we found out that she didn’t make any money from her online store and it was pretty much dead — no, the way she makes her money is to be a drug and prostitute liaison (meaning she sets you up with the people that have what you want and gets a cut from it — she’s the middle-man).
These are not things she told us, and that latter part we didn’t find out until close to the end of courtship!!!
She wanted to make herself seem as compatible as possible!
(EVERYTHING we told you about ourselves during the suiting phase — you came here and saw that it was TRUE! He told you from the JUMP he has a low tolerance for bullshit, and he will NOT let it into his house!)
We SUSPECTED she was talking bad about us behind our backs, because of the little snarky, passive aggressive shit people were saying (and one of them, I kept telling her — if you KNOW SO MUCH, why not say the shit? What the fuck you talking to me for if you not going to say the shit?). But we couldn’t prove it and when asked, she would always say NO. All off in THROUGH the relationship. And see, I told her REPEATEDLY if she had something she wanted to say, if she was upset about something, she should say it to US. Because that’s how we DO — we don’t go outside the family circle to talk bad about someone — we are going to do it RIGHT THERE, THEN AND RIGHT AWAY, to get to the bottom of the issue, so we can move past it. And POSSIBLY, if that means people aren’t compatible, then HEY — that may be the case! No biggie. But NO — she wanted to make herself seem as COMPATIBLE as POSSIBLE.
He was attracted to the person she sold herself AS. And, after realizing that THAT person was FAKE, his constant question was “what am I getting from this?”
The SAME THING she’s doing with ol’boy RIGHT NOW — LYING to him, pretending to convert to his belief! (and very recently, in the group, she even SAID that she doesn’t pray to any god but HERSELF!!! “but don’t tell you-know-who!” THATS THE KIND OF PREDATOR SHE IS — PREYING ON TRUSTING FAMILIES, FAKING COMPATIBILITY SO THAT SHE CAN BE RESCUED FROM HER SORRY SITUATION!!!)…and I heard that you “friends” of hers were HELPING her fabricate her compatibility with him — SHAME ON Y’ALL!! (but y’all all do the same tho — like that other one, who was hiding the fact that she smoked cigarettes from the man she was tryna marry — so why’m I surprised…)
She says that all she’s guilty of is not giving us full disclosure when she moved on. She’s going to spin it to the public in order to make herself seem not too much at fault — but that’s not what happened. She began talking to this dude a few weeks before we even broke up.
DO YOU HEAR THAT SHIT? SHE WAS ALREADY TALKING TO HIM BEFORE WE EVEN BROKE UP!! And she STILL didn’t tell us. How we found out — she let him DISRESPECT my husband, texting him from HER phone! And to EXCUSE it, she said she was “afraid” to tell him.
YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT INTEGRITY, BITCH???!?!?! YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT INTEGRITY??
WTF???
So what happened??
He and I had a conversation. We agreed that, no, she is completely untrustworthy. There’s been this feeling of not being able to trust her for MONTHS. Because of Y&Y, and the things they were saying to us, because of her need to be friends with people who she know damned well don’t even like us (because if you don’t like my husband, then we not friends. If you’re indifferent, that’s ONE thing — but to DISLIKE HIM and to HATE HIM, no, we can’t be friends. HE is A PART of ME. And if another sister ever joins this family, she’d have to feel the SAME WAY. WE are family!).
So we go to her, and we tell her on a phone call that we feel we can’t trust her. What does SHE say? “I haven’t said anything about y’all to anyone…what can I do to gain your trust back?”
-_-
LYING AGAIN. Not even strong enough to say “Well YES, I spoke to them, because this and that and the other” and whatever the fuck you want to talk to them about! Why not SAY IT??
BECAUSE SHE WAS PUTTING UP A FRONT THAT SHE WAS QUITE COMPATIBLE FOR THIS FAMILY.
…and she was talking to him… weeks before we even broke up…
And AGAIN — no booboo, we don’t just “look good on paper” — you already know, that’s why you call us your “prototype family” — because you already know that what we HAVE and what we ARE is something you’d LOVE to have and LOVE to BE in this life. That’s why you were going through so many lengths to be over here with us! YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE AT MY HOUSE, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE. You know he’s smart, you know he’s handsome, he works ALL DAY LONG, you know he works on the house ALL THE TIME, you know that when you weren’t messing up he’s gentle, loving, sweet, funny, you know that he don’t play when you’re bullshitting.
You know he won’t whup your ass, though. You know that. You know he won’t hit you. YOU know that if you refuse to listen, if you turn out to lie to the people you trying to build a life with all the time — that he will leave you. That’s what HAPPENED. He broke up with you, because you don’t LISTEN to GOOD counsel. He never told you to do anything bad or wrong — but YOU DON’T LISTEN. You lie. When he makes a decision, you nod your head and fake agreement — YOU WANNA TALK FAKE??!?!?! Let him make a decision I don’t agree with!! I will TELL him, and we will discuss WHY, and he will CONVINCE me (although SOMETIMES, “baby, just trust me” is good enough). I never told you to do anything bad or wrong — but YOU wouldn’t listen to MY advice!!
People wanna talk about playing victim but this bitch STILL constantly calling y’all crying about THIS guy, now. This guy that she said was such a good man, that he was so great and so awesome — and WHO KNOWS?? CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE HER?? PERHAPS HER VIEW OF HIM IS DISTORTED, TOO!! PERHAPS SHE’S THE REASON HE HATED US SO MUCH — JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU DO! PERHAPS HE *IS* AWESOME!! AND PERHAPS SHE’S PAINTING HIM AS BAD AND EVIL AND SO CALLED BEATING HER AND SHIT. But she still crying to y’all about *him*.
And you allow her to do it. And you believe her — all of you are SO weak and manipulated by crocodile tears… and fake friendships…
UNDERSTAND that you burnt that bridge — MOVE ON ALREADY! STOP CONTACTING ME! STOP HOPING THAT WE’LL MAKE UP AND BE FRIENDS! WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP WAS CALLING YOU A POLYANDROUS WHORE, I DEFENDED YOU, INTRODUCED YOU TO MY HUSBAND AT YOUR REQUEST, I OPENED UP MY HOME TO YOU, AND YOU DISRESPECTED IT! And STILL, today, you LIE about it!
…and YOU wanna talk about INTEGRITY…
From: http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/9-good-signs-youre-right-relationship.html
It’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters.
“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”
This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us. And after Angel and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations. For instance:
“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”
Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:
1. No games are being played.
Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.
And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up.
2. Everyone is on the same page.
If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a committed relationship. If you give someone the impression that casual, or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going forward. The bottom line is that you have to be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you want. Don’t beat around the bush. If someone gets scared and runs away because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right for you anyway.
3. The line of communication is open, honest, and clear.
You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations. It’s better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect the important people in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.
Listen without defending and speak without offending. Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship. Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues. So be honest, commit, and COMMUNICATE always. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Loving deeds consistently reinforce loving words.
Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily basis. Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care. Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too means a lot.
Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere. It’s as simple as that. And there’s no such thing as a “right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.
5. Expectations of perfection are strictly forbidden.
Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you. Give them a chance to show you. When you stop expectingthe people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and appreciate them for who they are. What you need to remember is that every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.
6. Honesty, vulnerability, and presence are held sacred.
Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love that makes you the most vulnerable. It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the long-term. It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.
So open yourself up. BE with the person you love. Allow yourself to experience them authentically. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome a sincere connection with another human being. (ReadDaring Greatly
7. There is a healthy blend of freedom and teamwork.
Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us. We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave. And likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship. In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist. Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.
Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork. And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway. You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. It really is a full circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.
And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in time. You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that. So on the days when you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa. It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other person can’t help but give a little less.
8. Personal growth is embraced, celebrated, and shared.
It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.
When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad. No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one. (Read The Mastery of Love
9. Outsiders aren’t calling the shots.
Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else.
You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to it. Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people. It’s your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for you. You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.
The floor is yours…
In your experience, what are some good signs you’re in the right relationship? Any other relationship tips you’d like to share? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
The 8-month courtship and the 60-day living-together situation was not all bad. There were quite a few good times had by the three of us, living together. Those good times are what cause me to still have an inkling of hope — that yes, I CAN have a sister-wife, I AM good at it, and I CAN have a happy life in it, if everyone does what they need to do.
I like having someone to laugh with throughout the day. I like sharing errands. I like hearing him get goofy with her. I like having a third brain to pick. I like having someone who, if *I’m* not interested in what he’s about to go do, *she’s* interested, and they go. Or if he’s not interested in what one of us is about to go do, the *other* sister is interested, and she’ll accompany.
All three people can benefit from the relationship. Our relationship is good by itself. There isn’t anything missing between us. But for the right person, there’s always room for one more.
We don’t have to be alike. We don’t have to look alike, we don’t have to dress alike. We don’t have to have the same opinion. But if you are a team player, if you look at the situation and say “yes, I see where help is needed here” (like washing the dishes or grabbing the kids for a minute, or seeing that I’ve cooked 3 meals a day for 7 days already) and you just get in there and do what is needed…
That is so very do-able.
I’m not pushy. I’m not mean. I don’t need “my space” and rarely need “me time”. If I feel wronged, I say so. If I feel like I’m not getting attention from him, I’ll make it known, but it’s rare. I’ll let you be how you gone be (provided that being mean is not the mindset).
My husband has three sisters. They have their lives. Two have children. When they come to visit, they are amazing women. If I’m cooking and cleaning, they’re either participating or taking all the kids outside. They may ask to cook one night. My husband may ask them to cook (because it may be a meal they do really well and he misses it so he’ll ask).
If I’m washing dishes, they sweeping a rug. They’re supervising the children cleaning their rooms while I’ll washing this or that…
Not asking for a maid. No. I’m my own maid. But if you’re living in a place, if you feel obligated to get up and assist when you see people doing shit stuff, then hey…that’d be nice.
I like teamwork. Makes the dreamwork, aheheh.
Because, like, Cepha used to like to take the kids hiking (through some woods and stuff but majority of it has been turned into a parking lot for the mega church near our house… smh). And I didn’t care to go on those hikes. There’s mud, there’s slipping. There’s tripping, there’s mosquitos. The possibility of encountering some wild animal or feral dog/cat. Rabid raccoons or squirrels.
No thanks, lol.
But SHE would go hiking with him. She wanted to.
Great. I’d rather wash these dishes, lol. Washing dishes helps me think, and I like it.
It’s good that two people can be there for each other on things and be a team.
It’s good that three people can be there for each other on things, and be a team.
It’s good that four people can be there for each other on things, and be a team.
It’s good that five people can be there for each other on things, and be a team.
TeamWork is good.
*sigh*
Where IS that person? (This girl didn’t care to wake up early in the morning and share a cup of coffee before he left for work. That’s okay? But THAT would be nice, too — for everyone to be up, before the kids, drinking coffee, discussing shit stuff. Making plans. Impromptu family meeting. Impromptu business meeting. It’s great.)
Alright I’m done. I’m at this store ashy today — BUT ITS EVIDENCE THAT I SHOWERED FO’ I LEFF THE HOUSE!!!
…let me put on my awesome body butter that my homeboy is making. Stop being ashy in front of folks.
It’s rude.
This could be us — but we’onno whurr yu r! lol
Peace.
This is a lesson written by the Elder Mōréh Qănăă, in a polygyny group on Facebook. I felt it was post-worthy and preservative-worthy. So I copied and pasted it and I give him major accolades and praise The Most High for the knowledge this man has imparted! Hope you enjoy it as I enjoyed it.
Shalom (a greeting of Peace). My name is Qanaa Bén Yehuwdah. I am an Elder, and a “Moreh” (Teacher) within the African Hebrew Community in the American diaspora. I joined this group to help contribute to the dialog on “Polygyny” from a Biblical perspective. Yet before on may intelligently discuss “polygyny” thy must first understand the origins of “Monogamy” and who gave it to us, and why they enforce it by law!
From a Scriptural standpoint, there is no difference between “Monogamy” and “Polygyny”. However, there is a profound difference between European/Western Marriage, and African and middle-eastern Marriage. Namely, that the European/Western paradigm of “matrimony” is by definition, and institution negotiated to support and perpetuate what I like to call “matronage”.
Let’s first look at a few of these words:
PATER: (pronounced pay-tur), a noun defined as father . ORIGIN Latin, and later Germanic (English).
PATRIARCH: noun, characteristic of a system of society or government controlled by men.
PATRON: noun, a person who gives financial or other support to a person, organization, cause, or activity : ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French, from Latin patronus ‘protector of clients, defender,’ from pater, patr- ‘father.
It is clear by these European definitions, that men traditionally held authority in their homes as fathers and patrons, and in their Governments as Patriarchs.
Now, look at these European definitions:
MATER (pronounced may-tur) a noun defined as mother . ORIGIN Latin, and later Germanic (English).
MATRIARCH: adjective, a woman who is the head of a family or tribe. • an older woman who is powerful within a family or organization : a domineering matriarch.
MATRON: noun, a married woman, esp. a dignified and sober middle-aged one, in charge of domestic arrangements.
Okay, now let’s look at “inheritance” within the same European paradigm:
MATRILINEAL: adjective, kinship to the mother or the female line. ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French from Latin matrimonium, based on mater, matr- ‘mother.’
PATRILINEAL: No such word exists!
PATRIMONY, adjective, property inherited from one’s father or male ancestor. ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French patrimoine, from Latin patrimonium, from pater, patr- ‘father.’
MATRIMONY: noun, the state or ceremony of being married; marriage : a couple joined in matrimony | the sacrament of holy matrimony. ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French from Latin matrimonium, based on mater, matr- ‘mother.’
In aggregate, it should be clear that the European family paradigm is one of men and women inheriting from the fathers, men paying dowry for brides, and marrying into HER family’s possessions through matrimony. It is the family line of the woman, that controls marriage, and wealth, not the man’s. He controls the woman, and by extension, HER matrilineal inheritance.
The Roman Emperor, Diocletian and co-Emperor Maximilian passed strict anti-polygamy laws in 285 AD that mandated monogamy as the only form of legal marital relationship, as had traditionally been the case in classical Greece and Rome.[citation needed] In 393, the Byzantine Emperor Theodosius I issued an imperial edict to extend the ban on polygamy to Hebrew communities.
Christian European insistence on monogamy and its enforcement arose as a consequence of 16th Century Islamic incursions into Central Europe and the advent of European colonialism within the Americas, Africa and Asia, which exposed European Christians to cultures that practiced polygamy. As a consequence, nominal Christian male bigamists were subjected to unprecedented harsh punishments, such as execution, galley servitude, exile, and prolonged imprisonment.
Protestantism dropped the Catholic imperative of Matrilineal control of property, which was instituted by Rome to guarantee Papal control of land-based taxation, but in British Colonies (occupying other countries by force) land ownership was strictly Patriarchal, yet marriage remained Matrimonial.
This is what governs American Marriage til this very day! Monogamous Marriage is the legally enforced European restriction on how many sons a man may legally produce, thus insuring that no “Clan” may rise to the stature of “nation” over many generations, within the borders of any European, or American Country. This is also why divorce, and abortion are legal in the United States.
Now, the European Paradigm of Monogamous Matrimony is failing all but the most financially sound marriages, and many of those are divorces just waiting to happen, as the pressure to “satisfy” and entrain one’s spouse becomes the only marital benefit that most couples can afford!
Contrary to “hypothetical” belief. Multi-Wife marriages produce more prosperity, greater emotional security for both mother and children, and more unanimity of internal family values, that monogamous give-me-what-I-want marriages. In fact, nearly all Monogamous marriages in the United States are based on pure harlotry! That is to say, trying to cultivate a sexual attraction, into a committed relationship based on the fulfillment of “expectations”. What s “crap-shoot” that is, and there is no mediator to keep anyone objective! Done with all of that madness…
How many parents of daughters raised to expect monogamy, have been able to deliver a bride that has had less than 5 men run through her before marriage? How can girls be allowed to have sex with multiple partners, be taught to restrain themselves to a single husband, without expecting him to justify why she should not leave him and move on to the next man, every day of his life?
Conversely, the man who marries more than one woman does not “move on” he builds up, and they build up with him unless THEY decide to leave.
There was this whole campaign this past year to define my husband as a predator and in a negative light. I’m really wanting to get past all this nonsense, but every once in a while I get this itch and this need to say something about it. I DO like journaling, and have always kept a diary. I started my first diary at age 8, and kept one most of my youth, up into meeting my husband.
A predator is: a person or group that ruthlessly exploits others.
This girl, that we courted, that we TRIED to build a life with, refers to him as a predator and all her silly, fat friends enjoy running around helping her disseminate this bullshit.
Let’s get some things straight — and some of what I’m saying has been said in this blog before?? But I’ma say it all again so I can paint my picture here.
1. We made a video of our courting experience before we met this person. Everyone’s watched it. At the time of this writing, the video has received more than 13K views. What we talk about in the video is what we’d perceived as courtships at the time. The video discusses two separate experiences, with two sisters, with whom we chatted, texted, emailed, and spoke to on the phone for a couple of months each (one longer than the other; but the actual timeline is of no consequence, being that I am not known for retaining actual knowledge of the passing of time on events…forgive me). These women, we intended on meeting face to face at some point, but both situations for very different reasons, went kaput before that could actually occur.
2. My husband, for ten years, has never slept with anyone else, with the exception of this woman we tried to build a life with. — Do you hear that?
3. These three women expressed interest in OUR family. NOT the other way around. My husband did not initiate pursuit of these women, they “met” me, first, and struck up a friendship with me.
4. The two women mentioned on the video, if ever found and interviewed about my husband’s interactions with them, could NEVER, EVER say that he was EVER inappropriate with them in conversation — meaning NEVER did they have sexual conversation, never did sexting occur, never were sexual pictures exchanged. The relationships were early and new, and that was not my husband’s focus with them.
5. My husband has only shown interest in two OTHER women besides the three previously mentioned. This interest has been shown in the past 6 months, and was begun “publicly” in Polygyny: EBF, so that everyone was aware of his “possible” intentions with these two women.
6. If these two women were ever contacted and asked, NEITHER OF THEM could ever say that he ever became inappropriate with them in conversation — meaning, once again, no sexting occurred, no sexual images were imparted from him to them, no sexual conversation was had. (note that these are women he DID pursue)
Here is my point:
I hear so many fucked up polygyny stories, so many messed up relationship situations… I hear so many negative things about some of the men in these families and in Polygyny: EBF. You got men that within the first week or so he already talking about sex with the woman, they already discussing what they like and don’t like, they already PLANNING to have sex with each other when they meet, or he’s PRESSURING her to have sex when they meet. He’s already asking for pics, or sending her pics of himself. They ALREADY skype-sexing with each other (is there a word for that?). They planning secret rendezvous with these women behind their existing wives’ backs, saying stuff like “While I’m traveling, I’ll stop by and meet up with you and we can _______” and “my wife/wives don’t know, so don’t tell them because they wouldn’t approve. I’ll just slowly work you into the family.” These men are waiting at the “front door” of the group and jumping on every single woman that “walks through the door”. Bombarding her with inbox messages, friend requests, seeming DESPERATE and THIRSTY as all get out.
I hear that your husbands don’t consider you and YOUR feelings — some of them, if you say no about a particular woman as a fit for your family — I hear they STILL privately after the sister, scheming behind their wives back and trying to get them and if they NOT trying to bring you in as a wife, they trying to bed you and move on like that didn’t happen.
But what do you hear of my husband? MY HUSBAND DOESN’T FIT ANY OF THIS SHIT. And there’s NO WOMAN that you can find in any part of this polygyny matrix that could tell you that he was in ANY WAY inappropriate in his dealings with her.
Here’s more:
1. We SAID we owned a house and we own a house. It’s got 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. It’s got a decent sized front and back yard, and it’s on a quiet street with little to no young people on it. This woman who we were trying to build a life with had the choice of sleeping in our already-existing bedroom (because I’m a co-bedder and I always have been) or sleeping in the guestroom, which would have eventually been her room.
2. We SAID we were going to start a business and we started that business. We started it within 9 months of DECIDING to start it. It’s not some giant store but it’s a nice store, and for it’s size it’s successful and can’t go anywhere but up.
3. We SAID we homeschool our children and we DO homeschool our children (I fell back on the homeschooling while the woman we were trying to build with was here, because while she SAID she was homeschooling her babies, she wasn’t, and so I was not going to stop what I was working on to spend the summer teaching children how to read. Teaching kids how to read is extremely taxing, it’s stressful and while I’ve taught two children how to fully read and read well, even if they don’t know what the words actually mean, I feel like each child needs individual attention on that, and I had no more attention to give on the subject when I’ve got mine to deal with. Didn’t seem like she was interested in getting that hands-on with the situation with her kids and I was way too busy to take over for her in that respect. At the very least she knows the dining room was set up for school). Our children’s knowledge on specific subject matter and comprehension skills is evidence of that.
4. We are NOT on any type of government assistance (not that I really knock it if you need it…or want it…and can get it).
5. We are preppers. Not in theory. In action. It’s part of our lifestyle to plan for TEOTWAWKI/SHTF.
6. We work out. Not ALL the time — but our bodies look how they do because we DO take an interest in it. I have my spurts where I’m working out daily, then three days/week and sometimes I ain’t working out at all. But what I’m doing and NOT doing certainly shows.
My point on these:
So many of y’all are saying things about yourselves that aren’t even true. Are you REALLY an activist? Are you REALLY a counselor? Are you REALLY working out? Do you REALLY own that house? Are you REALLY doing the things you say you’re doing?
ALOT of y’all are lying. ANYONE WHO’S MET US IN REAL LIFE CAN TELL YOU THAT WE DO WHAT WE SAY WE’RE GOING TO DO.
…y’all some lying, vicious, deceitful, bitter, negative, hateful, jealous ass bitches. And I know y’all are happy to have each other to bond with and be close to.
But my husband doesn’t fit the description of a predator — meanwhile most of your husbands and homeboys DO fit it, to a TEE.
She was mad because my husband doesn’t mince words. If he thinks you’re wrong, he’ll say it. If he thinks you need to change something that you’re doing, or something about you, he’ll say it. He’s going to give you the TRUTH about yourself, unfiltered.
She didn’t like what he said. Ya’ll don’t LIKE real, and you don’t like honesty and truth. Because the saying’s true — the truth DOES hurt…
My husband is NOT a predator. He tried to build a life with a woman, who portrayed herself to be ONE WAY when she was really, much much more sinister (YOU wanna talk about TRANSFORMERS?!? Bwahahahaha! hilarious).
Keep letting her cry to you with her distortions if you like. She LIKED our family, she KNEW that type of situation was what she wanted for her LIFE. It’s why she betrays herself and calls us her prototype family — it’s why her children STILL ask for us (because with us they had stability, order, and were learning discipline, control and focus… all these things are things that children NEED…when they don’t get them, their lives are tumultuous for them.) Children know bad when they sense bad from people. They never got “bad” from us.
You should be ashamed of yourselves for disseminating that kind of false information — ESPECIALLY SINCE, like I’ve always said to you — YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW US. FOR SHAME. And no — AGAIN, we’re not upset about the break up. We’re upset about her lying to us, we’re upset about the shit she pulled less than a week after him breaking it off with her — that YOU dirty bitches SUPPORT her in.
Seems to me, when I do the lists of what my husband does and doesn’t do, versus what y’all’s husbands do and don’t do — y’all need to be working hard on your OWN families and situations instead of talking bad about mine.
— do y’all talk about us anymore?
I’ll bet you don’t.
What could you possibly say about us right now? Being that there’s so much fucked up about you guys that we don’t have going on.
If y’all are STILL talking about us, once again you worried bout the wrong shit. Your priorities are so very fucked up. That, again, is why you’re a bunch of miserable bitches.
You make your ownselves miserable. Lose weight — tell that man to consider your feelings — get out and make some actual money, stop being lazy — pay attention to your kids — go read some books — just overall go find your ass a seat and better yourself some kind of way because right now?? Right now — remember what y’all kept saying to me?? That’s not a good look (when I was arguing with this woman in the groups about HER actions in a situation that involved she and my family…) THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK, BITCHES, YOU LOOK JEALOUS AND NEGATIVE AND BITTER AND HATEFUL, BITCHES.
…YES I think so.
I think we will not lower our standards. I thought we were all the same and shared the same level of potential in this life? I don’t think that anymore. No.
We’ll keep our standards.
And…we won’t be picking anyone from any of the polygyny groups.
No. YOU PEOPLE are TOO MUCH TROUBLE. No thanks, lol.
So keep talking bad about us to everyone you can. We aren’t taking that route, ever again.
It will be someone local to wherever we are.
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