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‘I Would Never…Go Back to Being a Monogamous Wife’
Polygamous women speak out in defense of their lifestyle.
In April 2000, the authors contacted more than 700 plural wives, asking them about their experience. They were promised anonymity because it is against the law and currently being prosecuted in Utah. Within six weeks, they received more than 100 responses. The comments were reprinted, organized according to the age of the respondent. Here is one from RS, a woman between 41 and 50 years old.
“I would never ever, worlds without end, even if I could control all events, willingly go back to being a monogamous wife. Even if I were to discount the possibility of eternal blessings, the blessings I enjoy here in this sphere are enough to cause me to become a she-bear when someone threatens them.
“As the only wife of a good man, I had a good marriage. We got along well, and our children were emotionally healthy. But at times I felt an unspoken demand to be all things to my husband: a great cook, an organized housekeeper, an inspired home-schooler and an individual who kept up with current events, pursued her talents, never fatigued, always remembered details, kept the family social calendar, emptied the mending and ironing baskets daily, never overspent, looked appealing at all times and looked forward anxiously for the moment he walked in the door. I tried to be all things, and my husband told me constantly that I was loved and appreciated. But I worried privately that my lapses stood out more vividly than my achievements.
“After a second wife entered the family, I saw my husband’s eyes full of new respect and approval as he looked at me. This approval came NOT from my willingness to let him have another wife, but from his deepened comprehension of who I was as a woman, what strengths and gifts I had that were not an automatic part of simply being female genetically but were uniquely mine. Suddenly, I was seen as I had always wanted to be seen.
“Our relationship improved in other ways. Simultaneously with the second marriage, we had to revamp the way we spent our time together. I couldn’t be more cheerful tomorrow after a good night’s sleep because tomorrow he’d be elsewhere. He could’t vegetate in front of the TV tonight and spend time with the kids tomorrow because tomorrow there would be different kids. We couldn’t make tomorrow special as we were too busy today, since tomorrow wouldn’t be there for us. So we instantly found ourselves putting aside less important things to make time for the more important.
“Then there were the nights he was gone. At first I felt socially embarrassed trying to make new friends and having a “single’s” social life; but as I did, I found myself feeling more connected to all of God’s people on this earth than I ever had. I found that I hadn’t become a part-time wife, I had become a full-time human being.
“For years I prayed to know true joy, to have my marriage become the one I had dreamed of in my youth, and to understand myself and my place here among humanity. I would never have believed, had someone told me, that all my answered prayers would be wrapped up in one gift called plural marriage, but indeed they were. When I hear threats of our way of life being driven out of existence, the grief twists inside me. Please, please, don’t try to take away the thing that has made my life whole!
“I have no confidence that were I to be my husband’s only wife again, that the lessons learned here in plural marriage could successfully be applied in a monogamous relationship. I have the marriage of my dreams (No, that’s not true because I have never dreamed it would be this good) and two sweetheart sister wives who are my best friends and who sacrifice so that I might have happiness. So, my friend, this is no pretense. This principle is my happiness.”
Read more at: ‘I Would Never…Go Back to Being a Monogamous Wife’
Wikipedia definition: Arranged marriage is a type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other. It was common worldwide until the 18th century.
In a society where divorces and affairs are common strains in life —
— where people are left to choose their own spouses for themselves, for “love” and “romance” —
— where people fail to do their due diligence, and investigate the person, their family, their pasts, their childhood, etc —
— sometimes we look at other societies where arranged marriages are common, and we wonder — would it be better if we did it that way?
I think arranged marriages should have their place among us.
Now — allow me to post a disclaimer — I don’t believe in forcing anything upon anyone. So no, I don’t believe in forcing people to marry. But I do believe that parents (and elders, and older family members and friends) should be able to look at an individual and assess who would be a good match for that person.
I remember, years ago, watching a documentary on arranged marriages around the world. One couple, in particular, was from a lower caste system in India. They’d been chosen for one another in childhood — maybe about age 7 or 8, and had mostly been kept from knowing or even seeing one another, until the time came for them to be married.
They were able to see each other on the day of their wedding. In the excitement, the documentary asked the young groom how he was feeling about his bride-to-be. He said, in essence “I don’t know her, but I love her. I love her, because she will be my wife. So I love her already.” He had a big smile on his face and hope in his eyes. And from that moment on, I concluded that for many of us, arranged marriage should be allowed.
Some of us don’t like our parents (and some of us, our parents don’t like us). We don’t like their ways and so we don’t want them choosing our mates. And that’s fine. I fully believe a person should be able to decline a marriage offer if they see fit — and no harm should come of it for anyone.
But for me, I mostly trust my parents, and when I was late teens-early twenties, I fully trusted them because for the most part, I was following their path, and I rarely disagreed with anything they were.
My mother had a man chosen for me — a young, black, mainstream Christian pastor. A rising star in the firmament. My mother was always good at knowing what men were best for me, even when I was dating. If she didn’t like a guy, I would drop him quickly.
She was always right about them, it would turn out.
She was always right about them, it would turn out.
Had I not met my husband one day, living thousands of miles away from home, I would have given in and married the man she’d chosen. I would not have been unhappy. But it would not be the life I have now.
I’d be a super-Christian, a model first-wife, a corporate powerhouse, with children who were more than likely excelling at some school somewhere. I’d have a PERM, lol, I’d have some luxury vehicle (A Lexus, Benz, BMW), a tailored church-suit/business-suit wardrobe, heeled shoes that were not too high or too low. My nails would be done every two weeks.
I’d probably be a pastor, myself.
But I met my husband.
And I liked him.
And my parents liked him, too.
So that possible, “okay” reality went out the window, because I happened to stumble upon my husband on my own. Which, in my opinion, was pure Yahweh — pure kismet, pure The Universe doing what IT wants with you, whether or not that was your intent.
And when I compare the two realities, I like this one better. Of course.
My mind is freer and personally I feel “larger” and “more grand” than I would be, had I not chosen to respond to that young man that day in the snow.
To me, today — that other, “okay” life — is REALLY a life of pretentiousness…
To me, today — that other, “okay” life — is REALLY a life of pretentiousness…
I plan to do a level of arranged marriage with our children — I want them to meet people that are similar to them — have similar lifestyles and backgrounds, hopefully from happily married households where the children see both husband and wife/wives, father and mother/mothers and how they relate to each other. I want them to meet young people from families that don’t eat pork, or don’t eat meat.
I plan to mold them into good mates, and to guide them on how to choose a good mate (because, as I said, the final choice will be up to them).
wife
/wīf/
noun
noun: wife; plural noun: wives
-
a married woman considered in relation to her spouse.
In Hebrew, the word “isha/ishah” means both woman and wife, interchangeably.
con·cu·bine
/ˈkäNGkyəˌbīn/
noun
historical
noun: concubine; plural noun: concubines
-
(in polygamous societies) a woman who lives with a man but has lower status than his wife or wives.
Pilegesh (Hebrew: פילגש) is a Hebrew term for a concubine with similar social and legal standing to a recognized wife, often for the purpose of producing offspring.
Zonah(Hebrew:זונה) is a Hebrew term for a prostitute. (there is a female AND male pronunciation — FYI)
Often, Hebrew Israelite women and men are in a battle over concubinage. Men are quick to say that a woman’s virginity is a factor as to whether or not she is a wife or a concubine. The women are made to feel shame for any past they may have; it seems that there is no area for repentance and teshuvah in this topic.
Many who are Hebrew Israelites now were not always awake to who they were. They were born and raised Christian or something else. They lived their lives however they saw fit , and then found out they were Hebrew. Then they turned away from their old ways, striving for righteousness.
But often, a woman is told that, if she is not a virgin when she marries, then she is not a wife — she is a concubine.
When you ask what a concubine is, you may receive a variety of answers — a concubine is a slave-wife, a concubine is a woman who is not a virgin, a concubine is a wife without covenant, a concubine is a girlfriend, a concubine is a woman who has children from another relationship, a concubine is a woman that’s not good enough to be a wife but you still want to bed her.
Whatever the case may be, there is scriptural evidence implying some of these. Others are simply personal opinions of the masses often accepted as fact.
Concubine as a slave-wife: Often in scripture we see a slave girl being taken and lain with, and children are made from that woman. A slave has no choice to consent to or decline to do what is their master’s wish — if a man had a slave girl, and he wanted to lay with her, he could and she would become his concubine. If a woman had a slave girl and she wanted her husband to lay with her, he could and she would become his concubine.
Female slaves were given over to any man to whom her master wished to gift her.
Slavery is not legally done today, so this idea is archaic among us, at best.
(A female slave can become a concubine, but being a concubine does NOT mean you are suddenly a slave! We are all to be dutiful servants of our husbands if we observe the Torah or the Quran, but you are NOT a slave. Even queens were servants to their kings.)
Concubine as a non-virgin: You will hear that a woman who is a non-virgin is only able to receive concubine status with her husband, and not full-wife status (thereby conversely saying that virgins get full-wife status). You will hear many reasons why — some will say if a woman had sex with a man and lost her virginity, then she is THAT man’s wife. The reasoning behind this is because to many Israelites, sex equals marriage. They will pull out verses to support this claim. But they are neglecting other verses on the matter — while sex is needed to complete the marriage “ceremony”, you also need an agreement between parties that this is what you will be to each other, and you need witnesses to the agreement. When a man took an unmarried/unbetrothed Daughter of Israel in a field, he had to pay her father the bride price and basically complete the ceremony. If not, he was seen as having defiled her and messed with her status in society. Sex is not ALL you need to do to be considered a wife.
So think about people’s younger sexual conquests — no, sisters, you are not married to those men if there was no agreement with them that that is what you were doing. No, brethren, you are NOT married to those women if there was no agreement with them that that is what you were doing. (and you know that was not the agreement you had with those people — outside of the righteous Hebraic construct, many things occur and sexual promiscuity is had by both genders.)
Let me point out some non-virginal women in scripture that, when married, were described as wives and not concubines (because scripture is very explicit in titles — what’s there is there and what isn’t there can only be speculated on) —
Ruth (Book of Ruth — widowed; she becomes a wife of Boaz in the end)
Abigail (1 Samuel 25 — widowed; becomes a wife of King David)
Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11)
Bathsheba is a particularly interesting case — while being married to Uriah, Bathsheba committed adultery with King David, which is a sinful act, and became pregnant. Then David had Uriah killed so that he could have Bathsheba as his wife. Never was Bathsheba referred to as his concubine. …and scripture was very clear as to who was concubine and who was not.
Concubine as a wife without covenant:The Babylonian Talmud (the Talmud being a Jewish book that doesn’t hold any one rule for or against anything, and is largely a book of debate and opinion) states that a concubine is a wife without covenant: (from Wikipedia:)”the difference between a pilegesh and a full wife was that the latter received a marriage contract (Hebrew:ketubah) and her marriage (nissu’in) was preceded by a formal betrothal (“kiddushin”), which was not the case with the former. According to R. Judah, however, the pilegesh should also receive a marriage contract, but without including a clause specifying a divorce settlement. (this final line I can agree with — I believe people should understand the nature of their relationship and that things should be clear and concise to the point that it could be written out and both parties would be in agreement on what’s written on that paper)
Concubine as a woman who has children from another relationship: This belief has no foundation in scripture. I can’t find evidence anywhere — a woman who was a widow and had children could be made a full-wife to a man if he wished it.
Kohanim have restrictions on who they can and can’t marry, but not every man is a priest. If you are a Kohan/Cohen, you should be fully aware on your marital restrictions according to Torah, and you should abide by them. A Kohan cannot marry a zonah or a divorced woman (Lev. 21:7) and a kohan gadol (A HIGH priest) cannot marry a widow, a divorced woman, a zonah, a non-Hebrew or converted woman, OR a non-virgin (Lev. 21:13-15). Notice there’s a difference between a priest and a HIGH priest — not every priest is a high priest (the rules in this chapter for the high priest begins at verse 10).
As I mentioned earlier, scripture is very clear on what women were concubines or not. It did not hinge on whether or not that woman was a virgin, it hinges on what that woman’s agreement was with that man. The Most High never frowned on a woman being a wife OR a concubine. And in Hebraic society, being a concubine was NOT seen as a bad thing — she was a wife, she respected and submitted to her man as her husband and her head.
What a woman must do is make sure she understands the relationship she has with her man. I am big on things being clear and concise — I don’t like to be confused as to what we are to each other. I think a woman should request clarity and transparency, and if she agrees with the terms of that relationship, those two are able to do whatever it is they chose per that agreement according to Torah. (of course there are prohibited marriages, but the only one that hinges on a woman’s virginity is that to a Kohan gadol)
KNOW YOUR TORAH IF YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE BY IT, AND YOU WON’T EVER BE DECEIVED.
Women have a big problem with submission. Alot of the time they don’t want it brought up; they’re immediately defensive off the bat when the subject is broached.
I keep wondering what the big deal is. I know someone likes to walk around the world and call me “ultra-submissive” (which is funny because on one side that’s what she said, while on the other side, she said my husband was just a working bee and I’m ruling him, lol — so which one is it? Then on the OTHER hand she wants to write me and tell me how much she LEARNED from me on how to deal with the husband she has now…Which one is it, exactly? Which one am I? Whatever MOVING ON I just think it’s funny), but I think people’s ideas on what submission is and what it looks like differs depending on the person.
Here’s how I am — I don’t argue with my husband on petty stuff.
If he has a problem with what I have on, I MAY grumble, yes — but I go and I change what I have on. It’s not a big deal, and I have other clothes. I’d rather be attractive to him (if that’s the reason) than him find me unattractive. And to say I don’t CARE about being attractive to him — then who do I care about being attractive to? (Note: It should either be HIM or YOURSELF but of course it should not matter whether or not people outside of your union find you attractive)
So I don’t care to argue about the little stuff.
When it comes to cooking and cleaning — I was a stay at home mom/housewife for 6 years. The house was my domain. I cooked every meal, more or less. Every day, 3 times a day, for 6 years. Meanwhile my husband went out of the house to work. His work has always been physical work (and I LIKE that — I just don’t like pencil-pushers, cubicle guys. ugh), and he always had long days at work.
I never asked him to help me around the house. There was NO WAY I’d ask, unless I was at my wits’ end and was about to be overwhelmed. But majority of the time, I did not ask him to participate in housework in the house. Still, when he came home, he didn’t just take off his work clothes and sit on the couch with a beer, watching sports. No — when he came home, he got on “men’s” housework — mowing lawns, washing cars, cleaning up the back yard, cutting our sons’ hair, fixing leaks, mending holes, building things for the kids, putting together bikes, changing breaks, changing oil on cars — you name it. He would do it. He’d use up all his daylight hours doing these things.
So yeah, there was NO WAY I was going to ask him to lift a FINGER helping me with my duties as a wife.
That all may look “ultra-submissive” to you, but I just find it rude and insensitive to ask a person that’s been working all day to help in that.
I rarely tell him no on anything he wants. Why should I? The man works hard, makes his money — he should be allowed to do with it whatever he likes. He’s not unreasonable in his wants; why can’t I let him do whatever he wants on that? When he wanted a motorcycle, so many of his friends said their wives had ALWAYS said no to that. Family members TOLD me I should put my foot down and tell him no. Why?? For what??? Because he could DIE?? Well — MAYBE, he might have crashed and died, perhaps, but he would have died doing something he’d WANTED to do! It’s not a crime to have a bike, and many people have had bikes their entire lives and have survived it. I had no interest in telling him no on that or anything else.
No, CONVERSELY, he may tell ME no — but I know myself — compared to alot of people I’m VERY reasonable and logical, but SOMETIMES I’m just not reasonable in my wants. And it makes sense to me.
I pretty much do what he wants me to do. Why not? He’s not asking me to do anything evil or wicked. He’s not asking me to rob people, he’s not asking me to leave my kids outside in the cold or let them starve. He’s not telling me to do crack. I married a man whose family’s best interest is at the forefront of everything he does. I married a man who’s track record for what accomplishing what he needed to accomplish to be what and where he wanted to be at life is 100%. My point: I can TRUST him to lead me well. He won’t let me fall. He won’t cause me to hurt or do wrong. I have no idea why I’m supposed to not do what he says. He’s not going to cause me to die from doing what he’s asked me to do.
I really think… women’s lack of submission is ludicrous. All throughout history, whether the beliefsystem was Abrahamic or Eastern and polytheist etc etc, men have been heads of households. I OVERstand the fact that women have often been oppressed throughout the history of the human world, and have been treated as cattle. I get it.
But today, in an age and in a country where women DO have choices as to what they can do and what they can do, they have rights to all levels of education, and all fields of employment — what’s so hard about finding a man you can trust that will allow you to have your careers, if that’s what you want, and allow you to reach your levels of education, if that’s what you want? And let him lead?
If you married a man who won’t let you do what you like about these things (and you yourself are not being unreasonable in wanting whatever it is you want), why did you marry that man?
If you married a man that can’t be trusted to handle the finances properly, why’d you marry him?
If you married a man that can’t be trusted to make smart life decisions that benefit your family WITHOUT your input (and even WITH your input), why’d you marry him?
Why marry a man who has different ideas of his goals or successes than you?
You don’t do that.
When a man is trying is damnedest to lead his household and you keep bucking and saying no for no reasonable cause, it’s you who are the problem, not him. You calling him aggressive or controlling, when he’s simply doing his job as a man who wants inherently to be the head of his household — that’s you being the problem. If he hasn’t told you to do bad things, painful things, evil things, and you just bucking for the sake of bucking… you’re the problem.
He’s being a MAN. A REAL man. And men, at many different levels of class, economics and education, are going to want to head up their households however they see fit.
If you don’t like the way that man heads his household, or the direction he’s trying to go — then dont do it. You’re only going to cause everyone pain because to be honest, that’s not what you want. Find a man that wants what YOU want, and is going where you’d like to go. And be happy.
But men are men and that’s how men are.
…I have tried to write this for a month now. Here it is. (I have so many other drafts that I think are boring)
So I finished Parable of the Talents.
And I have to say that the series didn’t fully move me until the second half of the second book. The first book was interesting to the prepper in me, as well as the second book.
*spoiler alert*
but the fact that her belief system was SUCCESSFUL was just so fulfilling for me!
The book says “…it was no accident that the church and the school were the same. They weren’t just the same building. They were the same institution. If the Earthseed Destiny is to have any meaning beyond a distant mythical paradise, Earthseed must be not only a belief system but a way of life. Children should be raised in it. Adults shouldl be reminded of it often, refocused on it, and urged toward it. Both should understand how their current behavior is or isn’t contributing to the fulfillment of the Destiny. By the time we’re able to send Earthseed children to college, they should be dedicated not only to a course of study, but to the fulfillment of the Destiny. If they are, then any course of study they choose cna become a tool for the fulfillment.”
…I love that so very much.
It’s very true. If you have a system of belief, THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD HANDLE IT. Prophetic words. Prophetic words! Build your meeting place, make it the school for the children as well! WHY do we send our children off to these schools when we KNOW we don’t agree with the MAJORITY of the stuff going on over there???
So there’s that. I haven’t given the book back to the library yet. We had a situation — my daughter lost her library card so we had to renew it, and they didn’t remove the books from that old card so that they could be re-checked out under the new card.
It’s overdue.
*sigh* ILL RETURN IT.
When I was a child I would NOT have returned it. SMH
My mother sent her DNA in to 23andme.com and it came back and said the following about her:
84.1% Sub-Saharan African (79.7% of that being West African, the rest being Central and South African)
13% European (6.9% Northern European – British or Irish, and 6.3% Southern European, specifically Iberian)
and 2.4% Native American
Of course my sister’s and mine will vary from that slightly because of our father and the plethora of DNA found on his side.
My mother’s people are very dark skinned people, with high cheek bones. When you see pictures of ancestors their high cheek bones are dominant — then we mated with someone else and after that, the cheek bones in the next generation are recessive — but high.
Their hair is kinky, but soft and fine and fragile.
My mother’s DNA compilation says alot about me — it points out why I’m a sickle cell carrier (Sub-Saharan Africa)…and it points to why I’m A- (RH-), as well!
The Iberian people are Basque — which are the INDIGENOUS people of Southern Europe. This covers places like Spain, Italy…and France — our slave master had a FRENCH last name.
Then the 2.4% Native American — we are sure we know WHICH ancestor that is!! He was kidnapped off the reservation at the age of 5 and was sold into slavery in Texas. He lived his life with an accent and, when slavery ended, didn’t go home.
They charged less than $100 for this DNA analysis.
Polygyny made the news — apparently it made our DNA better. Here’s a link to a video
Here is the Washington Post article — http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/09/25/the-evidence-of-polygamy-is-in-our-genes/
Boss wife is a term that was coined in the black polygyny groups on Facebook. It is a derogatory term, typically used to describe a woman, who is a wife (tends to be the first wife), who basically is the head of the household. She is the the Maker of the Rules of Engagement with her husband.
Boss wives are domineering, controlling, and overbearing to pretty much everyone around them.
Boss wives tend to need to be in control of the majority of the courting process. A woman may need to go through the boss wife in order to express the wish to be courted by the family. THEY say whether or not a woman can go on a date with the husband. This is HER husband. You are NOT allowed to do ANYTHING with HER husband without her permission.
She may brow-beat him and any of the other wives that come into the situation. You do things HER way. When you marry into the family, and, say, move into the house with them, you move into HER house. You put your things where SHE says. You do things the way SHE wants you to do them.
Her husband allows these things. He doesn’t argue with her about these things. If she says no to a particular woman as a wife, he won’t openly go against her wishes. No. Instead, he will be weak and either go behind her back to try to get what he wants, or, he will sit there and be miserable, rather than taking her to task and confronting her as to why she does not want this or that person to join the family.
Sometimes a boss wife is blocking wives from coming into her family because she REALLY doesn’t want polygyny; she’s only doing it because it’s what HE wants. She’s just pretending to be down for it, and vetoes almost every name that comes up as an option. All reasons may seem reasonable to the husband, no matter how weak or petty they are.
Often a boss wife’s actions and concerns have absolutely nothing to do with her husband and how he feels and what he wants. She is selfish and is only worried about how SHE feels and what SHE wants.
Being a boss wife is frowned upon. If one is able to successfully join her family, they may have a hard row to hoe if they value having their own ways, their own opinions, their own wants and goals. They will need to be just as strong. Some boss wives may respect the fact that another woman has come in, and is strong, and will NOT let her have her way on everything(because I think alot of them are oblivious as to how they come off, and I think they’re unaware that maybe — JUST maybe — their opinions and their ways are not how the other woman wants to do their thing). 
Some people like that.
Other boss wives may feel extremely threatened by someone who’s just as strong — and there may be a fight of some sort. She may demand this woman be removed from her kingdom. She may throw a fit, cry and scream. She may physically assault people.
She may pack her things and leave.
Boss wives do better when they are in their own houses, alone and without other wives around. A pseudo-monogamous state is best for them (whether they’ll agree with me or not). Other women should not be subjected to their whims if they don’t want.
Sometimes there’s a little “boss-wife” in every wife — if a woman knows her husband is inept, then maybe it’s good for her to take control of these situations. If she knows he may get hurt somehow in the situation, because truly the other woman is not a good fit. These particular times of “boss-wifery” make sense. What they lack is the selfishness.
So I guess the question is “How much of a boss-wife are you?”
…maybe someone should make a quiz to determine it lol.
(You are 75% boss-wife: Let’s face it, girlie, you’re leaning more toward the bitchy-side than you are toward the sisterly-side! Take a step back and let things relax a little; you’re ALLOWED to not be concerned about whether or not he’s kissed her yet!)
((I crack myself up))
Going through some old posts written by my husband, and felt they were worthy of being put in the blog.
They were to a much smaller audience, and while it does mention some people by name, if you don’t know their last names, you have no idea who they are, so… hakuna matata.
…at the request of an interested sister…
Enjoy!
DreamGyrl360
The basis for my argument in the discussion that went south-
By now most of you have realized who my wife’s alter ego is. You won’t believe the amount of emails she receives from (mostly) women seeking advice in their disastrous poly relationships. Many (not most) are subsequent wives who are being ill-treated and abused by the 1st..under the guise of “showing respect to those before you”. We’ve seen that too many times. Men, it is absolutely unfair to any woman for you to woo her into a relationship with you, have her expecting the securities of a MAN in her life, and then subject her to the emotional whims of your current wife/wives. No woman wants to be dominated by another woman, just as no man wants to be dominated by another man.
We call this the “boss wife” syndrome, and you won’t believe how prevalent it is in Western polygyny. It happens when the man is dominated by his wife in (at least) the decision-making aspect of their monogamous relationship, whether she does it profoundly or via a stress-inducing series of complaints (nagging). Like all decisions (which she’s already accustomed to making), she dominates the courtship of the potential. This manifests a dynamic in which the 1st profoundly dominates the subsequent wives throughout the relationship. When a woman decides to place herself under the authority and leadership of a man, in order to reap the benefits therein, she is not expecting to nor does she want to deal with his woman on that level. If she did, she would go after a butch.
When discussing “proper structure”, we have to analyze the practical science of it, which is embedded in its definition. Polygyny is not a woman allowing her husband to take on a second wife. It is a man engaging in the social institution of marriage (whether state sanctioned or not) with multiple women. When discussing the “primary” entity in the agreement, we go deeper into the practical science and analyze the predominating element… the most necessary element- THE MAN HAS TO BE CAPABLE OF IT! Therefore it is the man who is primary in the arrangement and he should have the reins all the way through. For harmonious polygyny to work, each woman needs to have a personal relationship with the man, which is independent of the other relationship dynamics in the mix. And it should not be driven by another wife from the back seat. However, because of the conditioning of us (against it, in the west), the catalyst for harmonious polygyny is the ability of the women to get along. But still, a poly man — a REAL poly man — would be able to take care of that.
A healthy transition from monogamy to polygyny begins with the monogamous household being in the right order. That order begins with the man being a man as a man should, and not his wife’s bitch. He has to fully assume the HOH (Head of Household) rank, which is being the ultimate (but not absolute) authority under his roof. If not, the subsequent wives will never be fulfilled in the social purpose of polygyny, or worse – deal with the mess that Lily spoke of earlier, that so many others have had to deal with. Like Donald stated, it is the man’s role to balance and guide. He should know what is best for his family, and if he doesn’t, then he has not fully assumed the HOH rank. And when choosing a subsequent, he should hold the authority of that decision, just as he had with the first. It is his wife, not hers, as Yolanda mentioned earlier. We live in a world where spouses choose each other and this has become one of the cornerstones for spousal relationships in this day and age. To propose otherwise, in order to satisfy the current wife’s selfishness, reeks of feminism.
Every single scenario that was brought up to support the opposing argument was due to a household not being in the right order. Folks have lived so long in Babylon, with their way of thinking perverted with the methods of their conquerors, that their perception of what is “proper structure” and the “right order” has long been twisted. The purpose of polygyny, as it was sanctioned in every society of civilized man, both past and present, was not to allow a wife to have another woman to share wifely duties with. Neither is it to allow a man to have multiple women. It has always been to allow every woman the opportunity to have the securities and comforts which comes from having a responsible man in their life.
I already said on my facebook fanpage that the experience of first wives will not be the same as the experience of second wives, and neither of the two will share the same experience as the third wife. Wives coming in after #3 tend to share similar experiences, and the FINAL wife will have her own experience.
In order for Wife-to-wife (W2W) interactions to be positive, all of the wives must understand that they aren’t having the same experience, and they should TRY to put themselves in the other wifes’ shoes and think of the type of behavior THEY would like out of someone in their place.
It’s called empathy. A level of understanding between two people.
Alot of the time that’s where the issues come in. We come into these relationships (and it happens in monogamy all the time!) and we want to continue to be an individual, dwelling in the same time and space as another individual or set of individuals.
So when it comes to benefiting the unit, we are mainly focused on self and what WE are getting from the unit, and not on what others aren’t getting.
First wives have to remember that a new wife coming in is going to need to be able to create her own place in the family. That means you can’t expect them to come in and be EXACTLY how *you’d* planned for them to be. No — you HAVE to make allowances for her to have her own flavor, do things her own way. You have to be flexible to change…because adding someone to a family is a BIG change no matter HOW that person is added.
(Women that can’t do this probably need their own house/space)
The second wife is the first wife to be added to the already-existing unit. She’s like a guinea pig (UNFORTUNATELY and for lack of a better word at this moment, lol). It’s almost guaranteed that MOST mistakes will be made here, by all parties involved. This is the first time there were two wives, this is the first time the husband has had two wives. Often this is the first time the two women have openly “shared” the same man (hate that term), and so the entire thing is very new and very different for everyone involved. This wife has to remember that the existing wife is opening up her family and possibly her home to her. She should show herself to be a friend to the existing wife, by seeing the needs of the existing unit, and helping in whatever capacity she can.
After the second wife, every wife added on after her tends to have it easier (I’m going off of what I HEAR from a NUMBER of polygynous families from ALL walks of life — Islam, Hebrew Israelites, Mormons, pagans, Christians, etc. what I’m saying is almost universal here if people are doing their best to be “good” people, which the AVERAGE person is trying to be).
There ARE times where a family adds on alot of wives in a short time-period. This is a significantly harder situation — the kinks will not have been ironed out, lol, and so all these people are coming in without a solid base to hold on to…
All should understand that insecurities and sometimes even ugly, ugly jealousies may come up. It may all be misunderstandings, but that’s what communication is for.
I’m a strong believer in communicating; all of the relationships that do well have immense communication, truth and honesty. So even when it comes to these W2W issues, it’s fruitful to address it as soon as possible. It is WRONG to let things fester if they are in ANY way going to affect your interactions with each other, or by extension, the unit itself.
Every wife has to understand that other wives are not going to be cardboard cut-outs with no personality and no “ways” to contend with. They aren’t going to be how you are about things and they aren’t going to handle things the way you do. They are flesh and blood human beings, just like you, who, for the most part (– and I say that because there are WICKED people in this world and if you haven’t learned THAT while following this blog I’onno what else to tell you) deserve a peaceful, loving and happy home, where they are allowed to bring their characteristics to the table to blend in and mix with the other family members, to create something beautiful and successful.
This is why the title of that book is SO poignant — ‘We Want for Our Sisters what We Want for Ourselves’.
That’s so very important in polygyny.
If you don’t keep that phrase in the forefront of your mind doing this, problems will rear their ugly heads everywhere.
I had something written. Then I deleted it.
I don’t want to talk about that.
And THEN I wrote something ELSE. And deleted that, too.
I’m reading Octavia E. Butler this week. I’ve read quite a few of her books, but I took the kids to the library for the first time in a couple of YEARS a couple of Saturdays ago, and my library actually had her books (if you can believe it — my neighborhood isn’t the best place but it ain’t the worst, either).
I saw Parable of the Talents, but knew in order to read Talents, you gotta read Parable of the Sower, first. So I timidly asked the guy at the counter if they still ordered books from other libraries — he said sure and I gave him the name and they ordered it — in a couple of days they called me and I went and picked it up.
I like it.
I didn’t know it was sooo dystopian. Dystopian-survivalism, I like that genre of everything. Because, to be honest, I don’t see a bright future for America. I see us heading downhill — and I’m sure most of us see it.
So… it piqued my interest.
She didn’t even finish the story. You’ve got Sower, Talents, and she was supposed to do Trickster, but moved over to Fledgling. Boo.
Who will finish it?
Wish I cared enough to take up the torch.
I like to write.
I have books unfinished all over the place. I write fervently, chapters upon chapters, for months on end (or I used to). Then suddenly , I stop. My mind is like “Story dun!” I don’t have anymore.
So no I won’t undertake it. I’d never finish.
But it’s almost black survivalist fiction. Wow. NEEDED. MUCH needed.
I read survivalist fiction and most characters are white Republicans who, as luck would find it, have all the skills they need for surviving the Pockyclips and living on from generation until generation, forever and ever, Amen.
And that’s bull. It’s not going to be THAT perfect and predictable.
There’s more I want to say but I can’t put it into words.
I want to do a video. Because there’s more I Want to say on this subject.
…but people DIE in Butler’s books. Characters that you’ve become fond of, on some level. They die on you. They are killed. They make mistakes and are raped and beaten, murdered and burned, their charred bodies etched in your mind long after you’ve finished the book and wakened back into reality.
And that’s how reality is. People die and are killed. People DONT have everything together and have all that they need to survive.
There’s ALWAYS something more needed.
…and to make this about polygyny, wives are great preps. Groups of adults bound to a family unit work very well together. The more there are, the greater the chance that “The Family” will survive.
AIIGHT AIIGHT I’m done. *pushes keyboard off desk*
Peace, y’all.
Do you know how to be a friend? I mean a REAL friend — not one of these online-only friends, telephone-only friends, skype-only friends. Those relationships are nice and they have their place. But I’m talking about being a friend to those in your physical vicinity. Do you know how to be a REAL, TRUE friend??
For the most part I am EVERYONE’s friend on the internet. Yes! For the most part! If you come to me and you need help with something on the internet, lol, like researching, or finding something — I’m there for you. If you want to just talk about things, vent, exchange ideas and knowledge and information — I’m there for you! Absolutely; I love to learn, let’s learn!
But in real-life relationships…I only have maybe less than 50 people I can call full-fledged friends, and 3 of those are my best-of-the-best-besties that NO ONE has yet to trump as important to my life (note: a sister-wife would trump them. We’re sharing the same man, we’re sharing our days together. So yeah — you’d be more important, co-wifey).
We don’t have a perfect relationship. We get INTO it (OMG) when it’s bad it’s bad, lol. But we ACTIVELY insist on being friends with each other, and have been like that since we met. We are NOT the same — each one of us is her own type of person. But we share the same sense of humor (for the most part) and we have alot of HISTORY together. Lots of remember-whens that connect us to each other.
I talk to these women every day — probably pretty much ALL day, on and off, most of the time. There are times when we’re all busy — we all have families, we have careers, we have lives. I’m Hebrew, one is Christian, the other one is something in between the two with some Islam tossed in and the other one is Christian-lite — lol I don’t think she’s much interested at all in beliefs but she doesn’t NOT believe she’s just indifferent.
So we are friends through our differences and our opinions. We’ll tease each other, we’ll give each other hard advice, we’re there when someone needs to cry (ITS NEVER ME *points at friends* YALL A BUNCH A CRY BABIES lol — no I just get MAD when y’all cry and want to hurt the source of your sadness. I want to beat it to a pulp — how dare that situation make you cry!!! I HATE IT for you!!! I invoke Lil John on your sadness for you lol)
We are our OWN party — if we invite one another to something, we KNOW WE gone have fun, if ain’t nobody else having fun. WE will enjoy one another’s company, each other’s jokes, we’ll do our old-school dance routines together.
We wanna go out and someone like “I don’t have any money” if we REALLLY want them to go people are like “COME! I’ll pay for you don’t worry about it JUST COME!!”
We love each other very much.
Relationships take work but this friendship between us is something effortless. We are just there. When I moved away for 3 or so years, still talked daily via email. I’m the one who DOESNT talk on the phone — they all talk on the phone even tho we text and message each other all damned day. I’m busy I have to have absolutely NOTHING else to tend to for me to want to be on the phone. So they don’t tend to call me and visa versa and IM OKAY WITH THAT. When I call, we talk. When they call, we talk.
We have a few friends outside of our little circle. Those girls are our closest friends — they have THEIR besties and we love THEIR besties, so there’s all these intertwining circles that make up who we are as a group of people. Some people like each other more than others, others don’t like each other in the LEAST — but hey, we will ALL go out together, we will ALL have a blast together, we attend each other’s parties, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings — our kids go to each other’s parties and if we’ve ALL got 3 kids or thereabouts that’s a built in PARTY-extravaganza lol.
We used to have alot of events at our house (our house isn’t big but we have a big-sized backyard for our city, and a large front yard, as well) and there’d be all these kids, all these adults…the men would BBQ, drink beer and smoke (if they smoke) OUTSIDE, and they’d keep an eye on the children who were on our swingset, or in the pool we used to have, or just playing volleyball…and all the women — the MAJORITY of the women — would be inside the house, having a drink, preparing side-dishes to go with the meat, and talking about CRAZINESS, fits of laughter and when a man came in to get something everyone would stop talking and look at him and he’d be like “—I just…came to get the sauce…”
“Okay…”
And he’d grab it and back out of the room through the patio door, and we’d ALL bust out laughing.
You need ANYTHING from this net of people — we gotchu, don’t worry. Everybody has some way to assist you in whatever it is — need a job? Someone can find you a job. You need a place to stay, someone will find you a place to stay. You looking for a date? We got someone we can fix you up with, even if it’s just for an event, lol.
I don’t know… I don’t understand other people and this is why — my relationships are already established and here, and no matter WHAT I DO, or what THEY DO, no matter WHAT the madness is — they will TELL YOU YOU WRONG, YES, but they love you through it. You’ll still be friends, if you can take them telling you what you need to hear about you and what you got going on.
Most of them know I’m polygynous-minded. Extended friends will offer up other friends and be like “She need to join y’all’s family” and that person will giggle and be like “Y’all staahp!”
We are TRUE friends. Not perfect, no — people betray and stuff falls apart but you take your time and you put it back together.
We not going anywhere.
But you can’t come into this net of people and be new (SOMETIMES people are new — I’ve made two new friends in the past decade that have been almost completely absorbed into The Circle, lol. You can’t even tell that I MET THEM FIRST, lol.) and then do some fucked up shit. No. That will get you FOR SURE cut off. And EVERYONE will cut you off.
ANYWAAAAAY…I don’t think people really know how to be friends. You have to actively commit to the friendship, you have to prove yourself and over time it will be shown that yes, you and that person are friends.
But that online-friendship — you’re only friends to a certain extent. In comparison to real-life friendships…it’s NOTHING. You have NO real history, nothing tangible.
Coarse: A Blog 