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From: http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/9-good-signs-youre-right-relationship.html
It’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters.
“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”
This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us. And after Angel and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations. For instance:
“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”
Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:
1. No games are being played.
Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.
And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up.
2. Everyone is on the same page.
If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a committed relationship. If you give someone the impression that casual, or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going forward. The bottom line is that you have to be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you want. Don’t beat around the bush. If someone gets scared and runs away because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right for you anyway.
3. The line of communication is open, honest, and clear.
You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations. It’s better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect the important people in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.
Listen without defending and speak without offending. Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship. Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues. So be honest, commit, and COMMUNICATE always. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Loving deeds consistently reinforce loving words.
Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily basis. Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care. Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too means a lot.
Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere. It’s as simple as that. And there’s no such thing as a “right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.
5. Expectations of perfection are strictly forbidden.
Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you. Give them a chance to show you. When you stop expectingthe people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and appreciate them for who they are. What you need to remember is that every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.
6. Honesty, vulnerability, and presence are held sacred.
Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love that makes you the most vulnerable. It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the long-term. It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.
So open yourself up. BE with the person you love. Allow yourself to experience them authentically. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome a sincere connection with another human being. (ReadDaring Greatly
7. There is a healthy blend of freedom and teamwork.
Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us. We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave. And likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship. In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist. Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.
Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork. And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway. You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. It really is a full circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.
And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in time. You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that. So on the days when you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa. It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other person can’t help but give a little less.
8. Personal growth is embraced, celebrated, and shared.
It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.
When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad. No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one. (Read The Mastery of Love
9. Outsiders aren’t calling the shots.
Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else.
You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to it. Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people. It’s your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for you. You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.
The floor is yours…
In your experience, what are some good signs you’re in the right relationship? Any other relationship tips you’d like to share? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
The 8-month courtship and the 60-day living-together situation was not all bad. There were quite a few good times had by the three of us, living together. Those good times are what cause me to still have an inkling of hope — that yes, I CAN have a sister-wife, I AM good at it, and I CAN have a happy life in it, if everyone does what they need to do.
I like having someone to laugh with throughout the day. I like sharing errands. I like hearing him get goofy with her. I like having a third brain to pick. I like having someone who, if *I’m* not interested in what he’s about to go do, *she’s* interested, and they go. Or if he’s not interested in what one of us is about to go do, the *other* sister is interested, and she’ll accompany.
All three people can benefit from the relationship. Our relationship is good by itself. There isn’t anything missing between us. But for the right person, there’s always room for one more.
We don’t have to be alike. We don’t have to look alike, we don’t have to dress alike. We don’t have to have the same opinion. But if you are a team player, if you look at the situation and say “yes, I see where help is needed here” (like washing the dishes or grabbing the kids for a minute, or seeing that I’ve cooked 3 meals a day for 7 days already) and you just get in there and do what is needed…
That is so very do-able.
I’m not pushy. I’m not mean. I don’t need “my space” and rarely need “me time”. If I feel wronged, I say so. If I feel like I’m not getting attention from him, I’ll make it known, but it’s rare. I’ll let you be how you gone be (provided that being mean is not the mindset).
My husband has three sisters. They have their lives. Two have children. When they come to visit, they are amazing women. If I’m cooking and cleaning, they’re either participating or taking all the kids outside. They may ask to cook one night. My husband may ask them to cook (because it may be a meal they do really well and he misses it so he’ll ask).
If I’m washing dishes, they sweeping a rug. They’re supervising the children cleaning their rooms while I’ll washing this or that…
Not asking for a maid. No. I’m my own maid. But if you’re living in a place, if you feel obligated to get up and assist when you see people doing shit stuff, then hey…that’d be nice.
I like teamwork. Makes the dreamwork, aheheh.
Because, like, Cepha used to like to take the kids hiking (through some woods and stuff but majority of it has been turned into a parking lot for the mega church near our house… smh). And I didn’t care to go on those hikes. There’s mud, there’s slipping. There’s tripping, there’s mosquitos. The possibility of encountering some wild animal or feral dog/cat. Rabid raccoons or squirrels.
No thanks, lol.
But SHE would go hiking with him. She wanted to.
Great. I’d rather wash these dishes, lol. Washing dishes helps me think, and I like it.
It’s good that two people can be there for each other on things and be a team.
It’s good that three people can be there for each other on things, and be a team.
It’s good that four people can be there for each other on things, and be a team.
It’s good that five people can be there for each other on things, and be a team.
TeamWork is good.
*sigh*
Where IS that person? (This girl didn’t care to wake up early in the morning and share a cup of coffee before he left for work. That’s okay? But THAT would be nice, too — for everyone to be up, before the kids, drinking coffee, discussing shit stuff. Making plans. Impromptu family meeting. Impromptu business meeting. It’s great.)
Alright I’m done. I’m at this store ashy today — BUT ITS EVIDENCE THAT I SHOWERED FO’ I LEFF THE HOUSE!!!
…let me put on my awesome body butter that my homeboy is making. Stop being ashy in front of folks.
It’s rude.
This could be us — but we’onno whurr yu r! lol
Peace.
This is a lesson written by the Elder Mōréh Qănăă, in a polygyny group on Facebook. I felt it was post-worthy and preservative-worthy. So I copied and pasted it and I give him major accolades and praise The Most High for the knowledge this man has imparted! Hope you enjoy it as I enjoyed it.
Shalom (a greeting of Peace). My name is Qanaa Bén Yehuwdah. I am an Elder, and a “Moreh” (Teacher) within the African Hebrew Community in the American diaspora. I joined this group to help contribute to the dialog on “Polygyny” from a Biblical perspective. Yet before on may intelligently discuss “polygyny” thy must first understand the origins of “Monogamy” and who gave it to us, and why they enforce it by law!
From a Scriptural standpoint, there is no difference between “Monogamy” and “Polygyny”. However, there is a profound difference between European/Western Marriage, and African and middle-eastern Marriage. Namely, that the European/Western paradigm of “matrimony” is by definition, and institution negotiated to support and perpetuate what I like to call “matronage”.
Let’s first look at a few of these words:
PATER: (pronounced pay-tur), a noun defined as father . ORIGIN Latin, and later Germanic (English).
PATRIARCH: noun, characteristic of a system of society or government controlled by men.
PATRON: noun, a person who gives financial or other support to a person, organization, cause, or activity : ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French, from Latin patronus ‘protector of clients, defender,’ from pater, patr- ‘father.
It is clear by these European definitions, that men traditionally held authority in their homes as fathers and patrons, and in their Governments as Patriarchs.
Now, look at these European definitions:
MATER (pronounced may-tur) a noun defined as mother . ORIGIN Latin, and later Germanic (English).
MATRIARCH: adjective, a woman who is the head of a family or tribe. • an older woman who is powerful within a family or organization : a domineering matriarch.
MATRON: noun, a married woman, esp. a dignified and sober middle-aged one, in charge of domestic arrangements.
Okay, now let’s look at “inheritance” within the same European paradigm:
MATRILINEAL: adjective, kinship to the mother or the female line. ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French from Latin matrimonium, based on mater, matr- ‘mother.’
PATRILINEAL: No such word exists!
PATRIMONY, adjective, property inherited from one’s father or male ancestor. ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French patrimoine, from Latin patrimonium, from pater, patr- ‘father.’
MATRIMONY: noun, the state or ceremony of being married; marriage : a couple joined in matrimony | the sacrament of holy matrimony. ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French from Latin matrimonium, based on mater, matr- ‘mother.’
In aggregate, it should be clear that the European family paradigm is one of men and women inheriting from the fathers, men paying dowry for brides, and marrying into HER family’s possessions through matrimony. It is the family line of the woman, that controls marriage, and wealth, not the man’s. He controls the woman, and by extension, HER matrilineal inheritance.
The Roman Emperor, Diocletian and co-Emperor Maximilian passed strict anti-polygamy laws in 285 AD that mandated monogamy as the only form of legal marital relationship, as had traditionally been the case in classical Greece and Rome.[citation needed] In 393, the Byzantine Emperor Theodosius I issued an imperial edict to extend the ban on polygamy to Hebrew communities.
Christian European insistence on monogamy and its enforcement arose as a consequence of 16th Century Islamic incursions into Central Europe and the advent of European colonialism within the Americas, Africa and Asia, which exposed European Christians to cultures that practiced polygamy. As a consequence, nominal Christian male bigamists were subjected to unprecedented harsh punishments, such as execution, galley servitude, exile, and prolonged imprisonment.
Protestantism dropped the Catholic imperative of Matrilineal control of property, which was instituted by Rome to guarantee Papal control of land-based taxation, but in British Colonies (occupying other countries by force) land ownership was strictly Patriarchal, yet marriage remained Matrimonial.
This is what governs American Marriage til this very day! Monogamous Marriage is the legally enforced European restriction on how many sons a man may legally produce, thus insuring that no “Clan” may rise to the stature of “nation” over many generations, within the borders of any European, or American Country. This is also why divorce, and abortion are legal in the United States.
Now, the European Paradigm of Monogamous Matrimony is failing all but the most financially sound marriages, and many of those are divorces just waiting to happen, as the pressure to “satisfy” and entrain one’s spouse becomes the only marital benefit that most couples can afford!
Contrary to “hypothetical” belief. Multi-Wife marriages produce more prosperity, greater emotional security for both mother and children, and more unanimity of internal family values, that monogamous give-me-what-I-want marriages. In fact, nearly all Monogamous marriages in the United States are based on pure harlotry! That is to say, trying to cultivate a sexual attraction, into a committed relationship based on the fulfillment of “expectations”. What s “crap-shoot” that is, and there is no mediator to keep anyone objective! Done with all of that madness…
How many parents of daughters raised to expect monogamy, have been able to deliver a bride that has had less than 5 men run through her before marriage? How can girls be allowed to have sex with multiple partners, be taught to restrain themselves to a single husband, without expecting him to justify why she should not leave him and move on to the next man, every day of his life?
Conversely, the man who marries more than one woman does not “move on” he builds up, and they build up with him unless THEY decide to leave.
There was this whole campaign this past year to define my husband as a predator and in a negative light. I’m really wanting to get past all this nonsense, but every once in a while I get this itch and this need to say something about it. I DO like journaling, and have always kept a diary. I started my first diary at age 8, and kept one most of my youth, up into meeting my husband.
A predator is: a person or group that ruthlessly exploits others.
This girl, that we courted, that we TRIED to build a life with, refers to him as a predator and all her silly, fat friends enjoy running around helping her disseminate this bullshit.
Let’s get some things straight — and some of what I’m saying has been said in this blog before?? But I’ma say it all again so I can paint my picture here.
1. We made a video of our courting experience before we met this person. Everyone’s watched it. At the time of this writing, the video has received more than 13K views. What we talk about in the video is what we’d perceived as courtships at the time. The video discusses two separate experiences, with two sisters, with whom we chatted, texted, emailed, and spoke to on the phone for a couple of months each (one longer than the other; but the actual timeline is of no consequence, being that I am not known for retaining actual knowledge of the passing of time on events…forgive me). These women, we intended on meeting face to face at some point, but both situations for very different reasons, went kaput before that could actually occur.
2. My husband, for ten years, has never slept with anyone else, with the exception of this woman we tried to build a life with. — Do you hear that?
3. These three women expressed interest in OUR family. NOT the other way around. My husband did not initiate pursuit of these women, they “met” me, first, and struck up a friendship with me.
4. The two women mentioned on the video, if ever found and interviewed about my husband’s interactions with them, could NEVER, EVER say that he was EVER inappropriate with them in conversation — meaning NEVER did they have sexual conversation, never did sexting occur, never were sexual pictures exchanged. The relationships were early and new, and that was not my husband’s focus with them.
5. My husband has only shown interest in two OTHER women besides the three previously mentioned. This interest has been shown in the past 6 months, and was begun “publicly” in Polygyny: EBF, so that everyone was aware of his “possible” intentions with these two women.
6. If these two women were ever contacted and asked, NEITHER OF THEM could ever say that he ever became inappropriate with them in conversation — meaning, once again, no sexting occurred, no sexual images were imparted from him to them, no sexual conversation was had. (note that these are women he DID pursue)
Here is my point:
I hear so many fucked up polygyny stories, so many messed up relationship situations… I hear so many negative things about some of the men in these families and in Polygyny: EBF. You got men that within the first week or so he already talking about sex with the woman, they already discussing what they like and don’t like, they already PLANNING to have sex with each other when they meet, or he’s PRESSURING her to have sex when they meet. He’s already asking for pics, or sending her pics of himself. They ALREADY skype-sexing with each other (is there a word for that?). They planning secret rendezvous with these women behind their existing wives’ backs, saying stuff like “While I’m traveling, I’ll stop by and meet up with you and we can _______” and “my wife/wives don’t know, so don’t tell them because they wouldn’t approve. I’ll just slowly work you into the family.” These men are waiting at the “front door” of the group and jumping on every single woman that “walks through the door”. Bombarding her with inbox messages, friend requests, seeming DESPERATE and THIRSTY as all get out.
I hear that your husbands don’t consider you and YOUR feelings — some of them, if you say no about a particular woman as a fit for your family — I hear they STILL privately after the sister, scheming behind their wives back and trying to get them and if they NOT trying to bring you in as a wife, they trying to bed you and move on like that didn’t happen.
But what do you hear of my husband? MY HUSBAND DOESN’T FIT ANY OF THIS SHIT. And there’s NO WOMAN that you can find in any part of this polygyny matrix that could tell you that he was in ANY WAY inappropriate in his dealings with her.
Here’s more:
1. We SAID we owned a house and we own a house. It’s got 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. It’s got a decent sized front and back yard, and it’s on a quiet street with little to no young people on it. This woman who we were trying to build a life with had the choice of sleeping in our already-existing bedroom (because I’m a co-bedder and I always have been) or sleeping in the guestroom, which would have eventually been her room.
2. We SAID we were going to start a business and we started that business. We started it within 9 months of DECIDING to start it. It’s not some giant store but it’s a nice store, and for it’s size it’s successful and can’t go anywhere but up.
3. We SAID we homeschool our children and we DO homeschool our children (I fell back on the homeschooling while the woman we were trying to build with was here, because while she SAID she was homeschooling her babies, she wasn’t, and so I was not going to stop what I was working on to spend the summer teaching children how to read. Teaching kids how to read is extremely taxing, it’s stressful and while I’ve taught two children how to fully read and read well, even if they don’t know what the words actually mean, I feel like each child needs individual attention on that, and I had no more attention to give on the subject when I’ve got mine to deal with. Didn’t seem like she was interested in getting that hands-on with the situation with her kids and I was way too busy to take over for her in that respect. At the very least she knows the dining room was set up for school). Our children’s knowledge on specific subject matter and comprehension skills is evidence of that.
4. We are NOT on any type of government assistance (not that I really knock it if you need it…or want it…and can get it).
5. We are preppers. Not in theory. In action. It’s part of our lifestyle to plan for TEOTWAWKI/SHTF.
6. We work out. Not ALL the time — but our bodies look how they do because we DO take an interest in it. I have my spurts where I’m working out daily, then three days/week and sometimes I ain’t working out at all. But what I’m doing and NOT doing certainly shows.
My point on these:
So many of y’all are saying things about yourselves that aren’t even true. Are you REALLY an activist? Are you REALLY a counselor? Are you REALLY working out? Do you REALLY own that house? Are you REALLY doing the things you say you’re doing?
ALOT of y’all are lying. ANYONE WHO’S MET US IN REAL LIFE CAN TELL YOU THAT WE DO WHAT WE SAY WE’RE GOING TO DO.
…y’all some lying, vicious, deceitful, bitter, negative, hateful, jealous ass bitches. And I know y’all are happy to have each other to bond with and be close to.
But my husband doesn’t fit the description of a predator — meanwhile most of your husbands and homeboys DO fit it, to a TEE.
She was mad because my husband doesn’t mince words. If he thinks you’re wrong, he’ll say it. If he thinks you need to change something that you’re doing, or something about you, he’ll say it. He’s going to give you the TRUTH about yourself, unfiltered.
She didn’t like what he said. Ya’ll don’t LIKE real, and you don’t like honesty and truth. Because the saying’s true — the truth DOES hurt…
My husband is NOT a predator. He tried to build a life with a woman, who portrayed herself to be ONE WAY when she was really, much much more sinister (YOU wanna talk about TRANSFORMERS?!? Bwahahahaha! hilarious).
Keep letting her cry to you with her distortions if you like. She LIKED our family, she KNEW that type of situation was what she wanted for her LIFE. It’s why she betrays herself and calls us her prototype family — it’s why her children STILL ask for us (because with us they had stability, order, and were learning discipline, control and focus… all these things are things that children NEED…when they don’t get them, their lives are tumultuous for them.) Children know bad when they sense bad from people. They never got “bad” from us.
You should be ashamed of yourselves for disseminating that kind of false information — ESPECIALLY SINCE, like I’ve always said to you — YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW US. FOR SHAME. And no — AGAIN, we’re not upset about the break up. We’re upset about her lying to us, we’re upset about the shit she pulled less than a week after him breaking it off with her — that YOU dirty bitches SUPPORT her in.
Seems to me, when I do the lists of what my husband does and doesn’t do, versus what y’all’s husbands do and don’t do — y’all need to be working hard on your OWN families and situations instead of talking bad about mine.
— do y’all talk about us anymore?
I’ll bet you don’t.
What could you possibly say about us right now? Being that there’s so much fucked up about you guys that we don’t have going on.
If y’all are STILL talking about us, once again you worried bout the wrong shit. Your priorities are so very fucked up. That, again, is why you’re a bunch of miserable bitches.
You make your ownselves miserable. Lose weight — tell that man to consider your feelings — get out and make some actual money, stop being lazy — pay attention to your kids — go read some books — just overall go find your ass a seat and better yourself some kind of way because right now?? Right now — remember what y’all kept saying to me?? That’s not a good look (when I was arguing with this woman in the groups about HER actions in a situation that involved she and my family…) THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK, BITCHES, YOU LOOK JEALOUS AND NEGATIVE AND BITTER AND HATEFUL, BITCHES.
…YES I think so.
I think we will not lower our standards. I thought we were all the same and shared the same level of potential in this life? I don’t think that anymore. No.
We’ll keep our standards.
And…we won’t be picking anyone from any of the polygyny groups.
No. YOU PEOPLE are TOO MUCH TROUBLE. No thanks, lol.
So keep talking bad about us to everyone you can. We aren’t taking that route, ever again.
It will be someone local to wherever we are.
If you’re like me you’re a fan of all things polygyny. We may or may not ever find a sister-wife to join us, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize it as an positive relationship dynamic.
So from time to time, when I come across something — a link to a site, a video, or articles pertaining to the subject, I try to share it here so others can enjoy it as well.
So heeere ya go, here’s some stuff, that I got from someone else, lol. They did the footwork, posted it, and it was good. Yay, Facebook!!
Polygyny is legal in Islam and Christianity
Polygamy is the key to long life
And THIS awesome looking book — Polygyny: The Ancient African Welfare System
Okay babies, I’m done — a distant friend checked in on me this week. “How are you?”, she asked. “Great,” I said, “better than I’ve been in WEEKS.”
EVER SINCE I confronted “our” ex, and ever since I wrote out exactly WHAT she did, on here — the Great Purge — I feel SOOO much better about everything. I am sleeping better, I am happier. I am happier ABOUT polygyny in our life in GENERAL — whether we do it or not. She suggested this sister to us just before the break up, and suggested us to her, and STILL told that same sister, after our last major falling out that she’d be a better match for us than she was? And we talked about that, us and this other sister — she sought to make us look really bad over the last few months in order to justify jumping in bed with that other guy…if we were so bad, why would she suggest that such a nice girl try to join up with us? …
Anyway — old news.
Let me go. I’m so very busy; I have a ton of packages going out. Gotta get em ready.
Alot of people on the outside of polygyny looking in cannot imagine the idea that women married to the same man could actually be friends with one another.
Western society has put forth the notion that women are naturally jealous of each other. Some of us ACT jealous when we’re really not; we’re just doing what is expected of us.
There are families where the sister-wives are not friends; the idea of the term co-wife rings in the back of my head. They may have no intentions on being friends with each other. Some prefer it this way. The wives do not speak, live in separate locations (sometimes cities/state/countries away from one another). They may only know of each other in name. The husband stays with one wife and her children for a time, then he goes to stay with the other family for a time. The pros of this are that he never has to worry about them ganging up on him when there’s a disagreement. If they DO know each other, and dislike each other, any time they have trouble, whether it be solo or amongst the wives, they will lean on him for comfort and not on each other.
The cons are the amount of time each wife spends by herself, basically being a “single mom” while he’s gone, and the amount of money having to be spent on two separate households. Sometimes that wife has to work and make her own money because the husband’s money can only cover a certain amount of her bills. The man may tire of traveling back and forth, and in some cases, he ends up leaving much-needed items or downright losing them during the travel to and from the houses of his wives.
When the wives are friends, they are more apt to work together, to cooperate, and to want the best for each one’s relationship with the husband (and with each other). If they don’t mind, they may be able to stay in the same house together, or at least on the same land with each other. Chores will get done together, children will be raised together. Their children will not only get to see their father alot more often, but there will be “other mothers” for the children to lean on if their mother is ill or busy at the moment. A lot of men talk about not wanting their wife to talk to them all the time about stuff, and not wanting to have discussions and such. If the wives are friends, they will rely on each other for conversation and discussion (especially discussions of the feminine nature — whatever that entails)
The cons to this arrangement are sometimes, when one wife is mad at you, and she talks to the other wife/wives about it, they might be mad at you, too. Or them talking all the time may end up with them having inside jokes that you’re not privy to (as friends tend to have — especially about “boys” — no matter a woman’s age there can always be some giggling to be found about a man lol). There are certain type of men that have to be honest that they MIGHT just get downright jealous of the friendship the sister-wives have with each other. They might REJOICE in the idea of them being completely separate.
The majority of the people I know like the latter relationship style. But I know people that prefer the former. Personally I cannot fathom the idea of not having a friendship with a woman involved with my husband. I can see it breeding jealousy (“What does he do when he’s at her house? What do they talk about? Do they talk about me? Does he completely forget me when he’s over there?”) and insecurity (“I’ll bet she’s better at everything than I am. I bet she’s a better cook, a better cleaner… I bet…”).
But to know the woman/women my husband also loves — to know them, to love them and to trust them as having the best interest of the family unit in mind and NOT just their individual relationship with our husband — the very idea brings peace to my heart. This woman will be there for my kids if I’m unavailable. She’ll cook his meals when I am unable. She’ll bring her creative mind to the table when we’re working on something. Her sense of humor will make him laugh like mine makes him laugh. She’ll make him happy in her own way, and I will make him happy in my own way, and we’ll all be happy, together.
Sisterhood is highly desirable in polygyny. If you don’t experience it, you’ll never know how harmonious it can be.
Nah get it twisted — I ain’t ready to court any new person yet? (she and I were close — and one day I’ll type it all up from the roota to the toota but, no — I’m not there yet. Just know there were times that she lied to us about things she’d done — speaking ill about us to other people, telling things that we hadn’t discussed telling, then come back and tell us these things didn’t happen, and feign that her feelings were hurt when we confessed one day that we just didn’t trust her because we could SENSE the lies…no I’m still put out with all that. She’d be honest with everyone else that she didn’t know but she’d lie to the people she was supposed to be trying to be with… and it seems she’s doing the same with this next dude as well… I’m not as angry, but I’m not over it and I’m not ready to put my heart into it yet)
But if we ever do it again — again, this is what we’ll be seeking.
Stay tuned!
Blessings!
Coarse: A Blog 