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I’ve known polygynists for many years.
Long before Facebook.
I’ve been fascinated with this lifestyle for a long time.
I’ve read their stories and hear their situations — the good and the bad.
We decided we wanted this for ourselves, that — if it could happen, that’d be great.
We officially courted a sister for 8 months — a real, live situation, where people who had personalities, feelings, wants, emotions, goals, etc attempted to create something together.
If you’ve read through my previous entries (and if you’ve known us through the Facebook groups), you already know that it fell through and was ultimately disastrous in nature. It was like Hiroshima, lol — so many emotional explosions and deaths lol (I’m laughing over here; forgive me lol my humor is dark).
So I have a sense of what goes on. I know what happens. My own situation tells me things, along with the knowledge of many other polygynists who had families long before we decided we wanted this.
I hear the stories of first wives, and the stories of second wives, and the stories of subsequent wives…I’ve heard the stories of husbands. I’ve known families where people have DIED (because humans, we die…we all die, eventually) and I’ve seen how they’ve coped with that death. I’ve seen how they’ve dealt with illness, with betrayal, with abuse… with happiness, additions and new lives. I’ve seen so much of it!
For years I think, there — all conversations with the Dreamgyrl led to polygyny (just like for years, there — all conversations led to Hebraic, biblical discussions for me).
I was a zealot.
I have mellowed out.
A little.
lol
So, let’s talk about something that I know that happens.
Let’s talk about hiding wives.
Some of us want to do polygyny so bad and we know damned well nobody around us thinks it’s right. We know about the judging and the persecution of polygynous people. Wives are told that they are weak and stupid for being in a relationship like this one. Husbands are called pimps and dogs and philanderers — no matter how righteous, good and moral they and their wives may be…they are called lusty, nasty, freaks…
People have the tendency to treat you differently when they know that you’re sharing a husband/have two wives…
So, what tends to happen is, a family will add on a wife or two — a couple will add a third to their situation — but they, being well aware of what this lifestyle may bring in regards to their social interactions, tend to believe it’s best to not tell people that that other woman — standing in there, staying in that room upstairs, sitting in the car alone, or who answered the phone the other day — is a wife to this family.
What I have heard from women in this type of situation, these hidden wives, is that it’s a depressing place to be. They aren’t referred to as wife when introduced. When family comes in that’s related to the original couple/family unit, that wife is to stay away, or to just be a “friend” at the event — no hand-holding, no lingering glances, no conversation that looks more than friendly. She is put away until it’s safe for her to come out.
It begs the question — are they truly members of the family? Or is she just a toy, being played with?
I’m a first-wife. All I can do is have sympathy for the woman in that situation that lives her life in the shadows and in secret. As a human being I can empathize and say that it’s not fair to her — she’s worthy of being recognized to everyone as this man’s wife, just as the first gets that recognition.
If the fear is the judgement of friends and family — “what will mom say that I’m sharing him?” “What will my mother say, that I’m bringing in another wife?” — my question to you is, when do you STOP living your life to please these other people, and start living life to please YOURSELF? If this is a step you just cannot take (because you know how judgmental your family is, how closed-minded they are and how ignorant they are — but you love them and don’t want them to look bad upon you) — then why do polygyny at all? Why seek this out? You’re bringing in another person just to HURT them, to stifle a relationship! NO relationship does well in secret. A rose in the dark doesn’t grow well — it might grow a little, but its growth will be slow and retarded. It will not reach it’s full potential.
Just don’t do it. If you’re not strong enough to deal with that end of things, then just don’t. Stay in your monogamous relationship and don’t come out of it.
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you were to tell your family and you find that they’re NOT as close-minded and ignorant and judgmental as you thought they would be? Perhaps they have a few choice words for you — but ultimately they still love you? I mean — ask homosexuals, they come out all the time and are often met with a different reaction than what they thought. SOMETIMES friends and family are surprising (“I’ll love you through it”) but you have to give them the CHANCE to surprise you.
Of COURSE you DO have your situations where you find yourself being disowned. My question is — what kind of person wants to stay connected to people who disown them over the people THEY choose to build their lives with?? If those people you’re choosing aren’t abusive, lazy deadbeat or junkies that will cause you to die or end up in jail because of illegal antics — and your family disowns you and hates you for your choice — who wants to be connected to those types, ANYWAY??
I mean at the end of the day, your parents bed who they WANT to bed. They go to sleep with who they want to go to sleep with. They’ve built their lives with who they wanted to build their lives with.
Why can’t YOU have the same freedom?
It’s unfair to you, as an adult.
Polygyny needs to come out of the shadows; not everyone has to do it, not everyone has to like it. But the dynamic needs to be respected and accepted — because these are consenting adults that WANT this lifestyle and it makes them happy.
Don’t hide your wives.
And I’m not talking about anything that endangers your livelihood — if you work for Chik-Fil-A, lol, and your polygynous family is against how they understand scripture to decree, then hey — until you’re done working there, perhaps it’s good not to tell them, lol. But maybe start looking to work for ANOTHER place where they won’t try to make your employment contingent upon your beliefs and your personal life. MAYBE. That’d be a great idea.
…ask yourself, right now, what sort of game you playin?
These relationships that you have with each other — what sort of game you playin?
Why you open and honest with people that aren’t even in your relationship???
Why do you feel you owe THEM the honesty you won’t even give your spouse(s)?
The fuck is WRONG with you?
(I’m not talking to any particular person. Don’t be vain.)
One thing my husband and I have with each other, is HONESTY and OPEN communication.
I prescribe it for ALL relationships where you are trying to build a unit and team.
If you aren’t open and honest, IT’S GOING TO FAIL. Fuck the bullshit.
(Dammit. I’m cursing again. But *smiles* it’s Monday, and my period is here. So fuck it. It feels fucking necessary)
As I said, I prescribe it to all my friends and my CLOSEST friends know that if their relationships didn’t work out — it’s because there was a lack of honesty and/or open communication.
*shrugs* it is what it is.
If you telling EVERYBODY ELSE but the person/people that are supposed to matter to you and your life the TRUTH about who you are, how you are, what you want and how you feel — you putting all your energy into the WRONG place.
Your energy is supposed to be put INTO the relationship you’re in.
How’s he/she/they supposed to know who you ARE if you don’t tell them? How’re they supposed to know HOW you are? How’re they supposed to know what you WANT? TRUTH IS, THEY DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU NOT TELLING IT TO THEM, YOU’RE TELLING IT TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You’re a COWARD. In your RELATIONSHIP. You’re SCARED. Because you’re living a FACADE. You’re a scam artist; you’re pretending to be something you’re not, to get someone you KNOW wouldn’t go for the person that you really are. You are going to FUCK IT UP because you won’t be able to keep it up forever!!!
None of you. How can you claim to love someone and lie to them about who you are, what you like and what you do?? You bitches are desperate! Being unable to get a husband for so long has got y’all selling your souls for one.
Brave people look at shit in the face. They may be scared — yes — but bad news is bad news!! If that person/people you tryna build with don’t or won’t like what you REALLY are or who you REALLY are, you’re probably not right for each other. And that’s FINE. If you won’t change, or can’t change for this endeavor — get out. Stop wasting people’s time!!! You’re wasting YOUR time and THEIR time.
Brave people are just as scared — but they look at the situation in the face and they look at that person in their face and they say “Y’know what? This is who I am. This is how I am.” And if they NEED to change it they make their changes and if they don’t WANNA change it, they don’t make a change and fuck who feels like they need to change — point is, they not tryna waste valuable time.
…I’ma tell you… I’m GLAD you hate me. GOOD, bitches. Good. HATE ME. Because I DONT LIKE COWARDS I KEEP THEM FAR FROM ME!
One thing my husband and I have = HONESTY and OPEN COMMUNICATION. We talk about it all, we lay it all out there. If it’s a PROBLEM, we are gonna get to the BOTTOM of it or it will END. If there needs to be a change that change is made OR IT IS DONE. We’re not wasting our TIME or anyone else’s and that’s why you HATING, all this “Rebecca’s FAKE because she’s INCONSISTENT” and “Rebecca’s FAKE because she don’t tell us shit” BITCH — I’m SOOOOooooo very real. I tell what I tell to whom I tell because it’s necessary for that relationship to grow and move forward. And I don’t tell to whom I don’t tell because either it’s unnecessary, or the relationship itself is unnecessary.
Bad news = bad news — but it’s a chance to move forward or move on if need be. Get some courage, BE REAL, or UNDERSTAND that the end of your relationship is IMMINENT.
I don’t think it’s for everyone. I didn’t think I would want to get married mainly because of having to compromise because there’s someone else in your life. You can’t be “selfish” and only think about you on things — you gotta look at this other person and be like “What do YOU think, honey?” Instead of saying “Y’know what? I think I like that city; I think I’ll move there.”
But I met my husband and after 3 weeks I was suddenly REALLLY interested in wedding dresses. Never was before but suddenly they were of interest.
And I found myself neglecting everything I needed to do to be where he was, to talk to him, to see HIS face, to hear HIS voice.
And it was scary and I was very freaked out because this was NOT normal for me. Guys weren’t too interesting to me; they all seemed stupid, or seemed to be playing games, or they just weren’t what *I* wanted them to be. I hadn’t taken any of them seriously at all. I dated when I wanted company for a movie or to a party/club, and when I wanted to be alone I’d be alone. (Some of them were so dumb I’d just tell them “Shhh. Shhh! Don’t speak to anyone during this event. Just smile and nod” because they were handsome and I needed a handsome date to this event.)
So to meet this man, where he just thoroughly impressed me, and his conversation was something I wanted to participate in…suddenly I want to cook for him. I want to make his plate. I want to bring it to him. I want him to enjoy my food. I want him to think I’m pretty so I’d BETTER do my hair. I need to put on make up now. I’d better wear a pretty dress, etc.
I CARED about him liking me and I wanted him to like me…
We got married in 9 months.
It’s been 10 years and we’re still together.
And I STILL like talking to him. And we STILL like each other’s faces. And even when we argue I’d rather do it with HIM. And even though I no longer get my way ALL the time… because of the damned compromising and other adult things that people have to do for relationships to work and grow… I like this condition of marriage. I like having him around, after 10 years. I like that our kids look like him, our sons walk like him and want to be like him. I like that our daughter often agrees with her father’s opinion (I do too).
There doesn’t seem to be any end to our attraction to each other. I thought they said these feelings ended. They haven’t.
I’m not a romantic person and neither is he. The relationship is very reasonable and the love we feel is real and deep and there are no words really, to describe it. Especially not to anyone that’s never felt it.
So maybe if you meet someone interesting, you’ll end up changing your mind but uh, if not, then I totally understand.
In some cultures, men can take wives and the other wives will not be able to say yea or nay on the matter.
The man will go off, acquire a new bride, bring her home and everyone is expected to adjust accordingly.
This seems, to me, to leaves wives in a position to where they have no say over who they will build a family with.
That type of polygyny makes me sad. We don’t have to be in any way alike, we don’t have to like any of the same things. We can be our own types of people. All I ask for is a team-player mentality, the WANT to build this empire for the betterment of all of us.
There are women who are preaching that NO, the existing wives should have NO SAY. I SUSPECT it’s because they themselves are recently acquired wives and perhaps the existing wives were saying no to her being the one to join the family. And the husband invoked his “you have no say”-ness to it, and married her anyway. These women have no loyalty to the Universal Sisterhood of All Women, which dictates that you don’t allow these kinds of things to happen to your sister. You don’t allow her “choice” to be taken away.
What about existing wives in monogamy that DONT want a polygynous relationship?
YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER FORCE THEM. Even if you feel as if it’s your God-given right! YOU DONT DO IT. You’ve already got a wife. You should love her in the same way that you love yourself! You’d never FORCE yourself in such a situation. No — you value yourself TOO MUCH for that!
You can try convincing her, you can educate her on it, you can insist she read up on it and at least CONSIDER changing her view of it. But if she’s a decent wife, caring for house and home…and loving you…there’s no reason other than selfishness to steamroll past her dislike of polygyny. Don’t hurt that relationship with her for something that MAY NOT WORK OUT ANYWAY, thanks to the brokenness of people’s minds today.
You’ll be like that dog who had a small bone and when he looked in the water he saw a dog with a larger bone. He was unaware that this was his reflection and decided that he wanted THAT dogs bone. But in order to get THAT larger bone, he’d have to drop his own bone. So he let out a fierce bark and dropped his bone. He went after what he saw as the larger bone, and lost his small bone in the process. When he jumped in the water, the dog he saw, and it’s larger bone, disappeared.
…You don’t do that.
Please. Allow your wives to have a say. When they say it, dig into why they feel the way they feel and give it a consideration. You owe it to them, because you’d want people to do that for you in such a MAJOR situation (because taking on wives is NOT child’s play — wives are people with feelings, emotions, personalities, mindsets, etc and they deserve respect and consideration).
Sister Wife is a 2000 documentary that follows the Hebrew Israelites, an African American community that immigrated to Israel and practices polygamy. The men can have up to seven wives. The film follows a couple that’s been married for 21 years as they decide to take on another wife.
Coarse: A Blog 