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I’ve known polygynists for many years.
Long before Facebook.
I’ve been fascinated with this lifestyle for a long time.
I’ve read their stories and hear their situations — the good and the bad.
We decided we wanted this for ourselves, that — if it could happen, that’d be great.
We officially courted a sister for 8 months — a real, live situation, where people who had personalities, feelings, wants, emotions, goals, etc attempted to create something together.
If you’ve read through my previous entries (and if you’ve known us through the Facebook groups), you already know that it fell through and was ultimately disastrous in nature. It was like Hiroshima, lol — so many emotional explosions and deaths lol (I’m laughing over here; forgive me lol my humor is dark).
So I have a sense of what goes on. I know what happens. My own situation tells me things, along with the knowledge of many other polygynists who had families long before we decided we wanted this.
I hear the stories of first wives, and the stories of second wives, and the stories of subsequent wives…I’ve heard the stories of husbands. I’ve known families where people have DIED (because humans, we die…we all die, eventually) and I’ve seen how they’ve coped with that death. I’ve seen how they’ve dealt with illness, with betrayal, with abuse… with happiness, additions and new lives. I’ve seen so much of it!
For years I think, there — all conversations with the Dreamgyrl led to polygyny (just like for years, there — all conversations led to Hebraic, biblical discussions for me).
I was a zealot.
I have mellowed out.
A little.
lol
So, let’s talk about something that I know that happens.
Let’s talk about hiding wives.
Some of us want to do polygyny so bad and we know damned well nobody around us thinks it’s right. We know about the judging and the persecution of polygynous people. Wives are told that they are weak and stupid for being in a relationship like this one. Husbands are called pimps and dogs and philanderers — no matter how righteous, good and moral they and their wives may be…they are called lusty, nasty, freaks…
People have the tendency to treat you differently when they know that you’re sharing a husband/have two wives…
So, what tends to happen is, a family will add on a wife or two — a couple will add a third to their situation — but they, being well aware of what this lifestyle may bring in regards to their social interactions, tend to believe it’s best to not tell people that that other woman — standing in there, staying in that room upstairs, sitting in the car alone, or who answered the phone the other day — is a wife to this family.
What I have heard from women in this type of situation, these hidden wives, is that it’s a depressing place to be. They aren’t referred to as wife when introduced. When family comes in that’s related to the original couple/family unit, that wife is to stay away, or to just be a “friend” at the event — no hand-holding, no lingering glances, no conversation that looks more than friendly. She is put away until it’s safe for her to come out.
It begs the question — are they truly members of the family? Or is she just a toy, being played with?
I’m a first-wife. All I can do is have sympathy for the woman in that situation that lives her life in the shadows and in secret. As a human being I can empathize and say that it’s not fair to her — she’s worthy of being recognized to everyone as this man’s wife, just as the first gets that recognition.
If the fear is the judgement of friends and family — “what will mom say that I’m sharing him?” “What will my mother say, that I’m bringing in another wife?” — my question to you is, when do you STOP living your life to please these other people, and start living life to please YOURSELF? If this is a step you just cannot take (because you know how judgmental your family is, how closed-minded they are and how ignorant they are — but you love them and don’t want them to look bad upon you) — then why do polygyny at all? Why seek this out? You’re bringing in another person just to HURT them, to stifle a relationship! NO relationship does well in secret. A rose in the dark doesn’t grow well — it might grow a little, but its growth will be slow and retarded. It will not reach it’s full potential.
Just don’t do it. If you’re not strong enough to deal with that end of things, then just don’t. Stay in your monogamous relationship and don’t come out of it.
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you were to tell your family and you find that they’re NOT as close-minded and ignorant and judgmental as you thought they would be? Perhaps they have a few choice words for you — but ultimately they still love you? I mean — ask homosexuals, they come out all the time and are often met with a different reaction than what they thought. SOMETIMES friends and family are surprising (“I’ll love you through it”) but you have to give them the CHANCE to surprise you.
Of COURSE you DO have your situations where you find yourself being disowned. My question is — what kind of person wants to stay connected to people who disown them over the people THEY choose to build their lives with?? If those people you’re choosing aren’t abusive, lazy deadbeat or junkies that will cause you to die or end up in jail because of illegal antics — and your family disowns you and hates you for your choice — who wants to be connected to those types, ANYWAY??
I mean at the end of the day, your parents bed who they WANT to bed. They go to sleep with who they want to go to sleep with. They’ve built their lives with who they wanted to build their lives with.
Why can’t YOU have the same freedom?
It’s unfair to you, as an adult.
Polygyny needs to come out of the shadows; not everyone has to do it, not everyone has to like it. But the dynamic needs to be respected and accepted — because these are consenting adults that WANT this lifestyle and it makes them happy.
Don’t hide your wives.
And I’m not talking about anything that endangers your livelihood — if you work for Chik-Fil-A, lol, and your polygynous family is against how they understand scripture to decree, then hey — until you’re done working there, perhaps it’s good not to tell them, lol. But maybe start looking to work for ANOTHER place where they won’t try to make your employment contingent upon your beliefs and your personal life. MAYBE. That’d be a great idea.
If you are pro-polygyny, and you are out here in the big, big western world… and you can’t find anyone who agrees with you… or you’re afraid to tell friends and family or to talk to ANYONE for fear of judgement and persecution… or PROSECUTION, if you’re already polygynous (it’s an issue for Mormons lol)…
You don’t HAVE to be alone!
PEOPLE THAT FEEL LIKE YOU, ARE OUT THERE!!!!
THEY’RE ALL OVER FACEBOOK!!!!!
…you just have to seek us out.
If you want to link up, connect with and speak to others that are *like* you — hit me up on Facebook — dreamgyrl360 — message me — and I’ll get you to a group of people that are like you…
Because polygyny is NOT full of theists (although there are ALOT) — there are so many different kinds of polygynists! It’s just a matter of getting in where you fit in!
I know Christian polygynists, Jewish polygynists, Muslim polygynists, Hebrew Israelite polygynists, Pan-African polygynists, Atheist polygynists, Yoruba polygynists, spiritualist polygynists…
I’ll put you in contact.
Because while the majority of the Facebook polygyny community right now is not a group of people I particularly “like” (nor is it a group of people that particularly like ME — See previous post where Tom had balloons, as the feelingks iz mutwul, mon ami) — I know that people that NEED answers, that NEED support — they can find it in these groups.
They are necessary. And they’re good for that.
You have some sort of polygynous question or query, some issues in your relationship, some curiosity about any of it — you can ask it there and get true-to-life answers.
And that’s great.
Alright another customer — let me get off.
BLESSINGS!!!
There’s this stigma that’s been given to the use of ordinal numbers when it comes to identifying wives.
Stranger: Who’s that?
Man: Oh that’s my first wife, that’s my second, and that’s my third.
This identification seems to have people up in arms. And I’m wondering if it’s ONLY the ones that aren’t even in a polygynous situation as of yet.
If you take “first” to be synonymous with better or favored then that’s disappointing. How does the man point out that this wife is the one he married when he was 19, and that one he married when he was 25, and the other, he just married her last year, at age 32?
How does he say that?
Why are ordinal numbers freaking people out?
I said it on my facebook fanpage — the first wife experience is one experience. The second wife experience is a whole ‘nother, totally unique experience. The third wife’s experience will also be very different (and they might not like it, but any wives after the third one, their experiences will be similar to the third’s…they may find camaraderie there).
The first wife, depending on the amount of time in the marriage, will have had the man to herself for a time. No matter which one initiated the idea of polygyny, she will be the one that will have to psychologically open herself to the idea of her man, that she’s been monogamous with for x amount of time. Typically the new wife moves into the family’s existing situation — so first wife has to be ready to allow someone into their already-running dealings. She has to be ready and willing to lend assistance and help someone know the ropes of the household (because there are days when bills are paid, there are days that shopping is done, there is a way he likes his coffee, there is a way he likes his shirts ironed — and she’ll know ALL that) She’s going to have to open her heart and mind to this person being family. She is not better, she is NOT the boss of her house (should not be), she is NOT to tell the other wives what to do. She is NOT to be treated as a queen over the other wives and her treatment of them should NOT be as if they are lesser wives (now HOLD ON — Ancient Asian polygyny tends to have the first wife as “Big Mother”. I am not referring to Asian polygyny, and in this day and age and in this country you should never think of polygyny as being this construct. If someone is asking this of you, and you choose to join such a situation, that’s on you. But this is not a framework that I’d support as fair and equal and balanced). If she is older, she should be like a big sister; if she is more experienced, she should be there as a wiser friend that can lend guidance and give suggestion.
The second wife will be the FIRST new addition to this endeavor. Most mistakes will be made here, lol. She’s like the guinea pig, lol, unfortunately. If the husband hasn’t had another wife before he will now learn many things (as will first wife). The second wife has the ability to set the pace for anyone who could possibly come after her. She should understand that she’s basically latching her car onto an already-moving train (depending on how long the first wife has been there). So she should be ready. The husband may have time here and there to romance her on some level. There may be jealousy between she and the first wife; this is where they will learn how to communicate their feelings of unfairness, or their needs for more attention or more say on family situations. If she’s a team player, willing and able to help and be cooperative, things will eventually be harmonious. She would do good to understand the family she’s coming into, the goals and purpose of the unit; if she has her own personal goals, they should be incorporated into the family dynamic. If she’s younger, she will be like a younger sister — fun, needing assistance and needing at times protection and to be understood. If she’s less experienced she will need guidance. If she’s an experienced wife (or has had wife training), she may bring in some positive characteristics that should be incorporated into the family. (First wife needs to understand that second wife needs time and space to solidify her relationship with the husband! It is imperative!)
The third wife, when she comes in, the family has “experienced” polygyny and the adding of a new wife before. This may be her first rodeo — but it’s not their first rodeo! They know what mistakes were made previously and if they have been successful, they will know how to bring her in, allow her to bring in who she is and how she is, and how to help her settle into this new situation. Depending on how the mistakes in adding the second wife were ironed out, her joining the family should be mostly a positive event (this isn’t to say that the third wife’s coming wouldn’t destroy a previous relationship? Like I always say, it’s the people who make or break this dynamic and not the dynamic itself.
All other wives their entry will be similar to the third’s. This is a fact (and it’s why when you read Dr. Dixon’s book, you’ll see full chapters for first and second wife and all the other wives have the same section).
Stop equating these ordinal terms to how valuable a person is. Each person is valuable; “first wife” doesn’t mean better or good. “second wife”, “third wife” or “fourth wife” (or more) doesn’t mean lesser, worse, or bad.
These terms are truly ordinal terms. If first wife means bottom b*tch to you, then we know what world you come from; that’s evident, and telling.
Have a good day!
P.S. — if you have anything to add to this, please chime in in the comments! What are the charateristics of first wives, second wives, third wives, etc? What can one wife learn from the other? How does the husband relate to each of these wives?!? (*singing* any insulting responses or anti-polygyny responses will be deleteddddd; it is what it is)
WHAT an experience!
It’s going well SO far.
It’s long distance; she’s out of state.
We all get along really well; we ‘skype’, or whatever — video phone lol. We talk to her ALL DAY long if we’re not texting we’re messaging if we’re not messaging we’re on the phone if we’re not on the phone we’re on the video chat if none of that is going on we’re talking about her. Making considerations and plans for the future…
If it doesn’t work…well. At least…we’ve made a friend??
Stay tuned…
I have a friend who I wish could be a potential sisterwife.
She’s a great friend. She’s pretty — at least to the guys in our town. She’s a little big. But she’s smart, sweet, creative. Homegirl is SO creative, as compared to me. She starts where I leave off on alot things. We have worked together before, and have planned things together and we are a really good team. We like alot of the same things so it’s not hard for us to make decisions.
She has a son that needs a father in his life. His father — her baby daddy — doesn’t treat her well. When they have been together he doesn’t really come by and lies to her quite a bit. He’s got like 5 other baby mamas.
You should have seen her son at the last event we had here at our house! Poor thing was following my husband all over the house! He’s younger than my son — but my son is almost two; her son is like 14 months old so it’s not much of a difference.
Here are the negative about her (besides her baby daddy situation)-
She has bad credit. That’s more of a neutral thing than a negative thing, really, because I used to have bad credit. We had to clean it up. But do we really want to go through that again? (We don’t have credit cards and never will; we’re trying to stay out of the system. But we bought our cars through financing, as well as our house so… you know)
My husband’s not really attracted to her. He doesn’t find her pretty really. I think it’s because she’s mixed. He prefers black women, and she’s mixed wiht Black and Mexican. He’s not from this country and we ALL know that in this country, if a black woman ain’t *that* black then guys think she’s pretty. So all the guys here think she’s beautiful. He doesn’t; not really. But she’s a nice person and he’s not really into looks anyway. All he wants is for you to be height-weight proportionate…
Then you’ve got her religion. She’s Jehovah’s Witness. WE ARE NOT. We aren’t exactly Hebrew Israelite but we lean towards their ideology. There are only a few things we don’t agree with. Anyway, we believe that these are, therefore, different religions. And Scriptures say that if you are Hebrew you should not marry “foreigners”. We know that’s moreso along beliefs as opposed to actual foreigners or racial differences. So, even tho she’s black like us (for the most part), and even tho she’s American (like me, at least), she has a different spiritual life so she’s a foreigner. Now, my husband believes that he’s such a man (YALL he IS! lol Really tho!) that, if he were to court her, he could convert her. I believe it because he certainly converted me. No Christian church or festival will EVER see me! lol.
OH and ONE MORE ISSUE! She’s a stripper. Yes. I know. But y’know Yahshua didn’t turn His nose up on wayward people. Because of that, they could listen to what he had to say and make changes in their lives accordingly. But that’s her part-time profession. She doesn’t do it when she has enough money. But if there’s a financial situation, she will head right on over there. We are financially stable — no where near rich but we are comfortable and tend to live within our means. If she came this way she’d be comfortable too.
So those are our issues. I pray that, if she is the one Yahweh has sent as another wife, that Yahweh will remedy these things. I’ve spoken to her about it but I think most of the time she thinks I’m joking. I have told her “IM SERIOUS GIRL!” I’m really not a jealous person and it helps that my husband aint just running around looking for a second wife. He doesn’t cheat on me, either. So I just remind him that if he ever comes across anyone he’s interested in, he needs to let me know. I may want to meet her and assess her…
That’s it for now.
I am obsessed with polygyny.
I read about it all the time. I search the internet for new polygamy blogs, sites, forums, etc. I read over and over in the Scriptures what is said about these men of God and all of their wives. Everyone around me looks at me as if I’ve totally lost my mind… perhaps I have.
Why does it intrigue me so? I don’t know. My sister believes it is because my life is so busy and so difficult, that subconciously I want someone there to help take up the slack. She could be right; she could be wrong. I am inside me so I cannot see what she sees lol.
I look at a potential sister-wife as a built-in friend, a person I can look at as another sister, another part of me, who I can confide in and who can be there for me. I do anticipate the help that another woman could bring — someone to cook while I wash dishes and visa versa, someone to sit with the baby while I give Ari a bath. Someone to go along with me when I go grocery shopping or clothes shopping.
And that’s not all — my husband, he is a strong man. He is a smart man and he’s very…intimidating. Most of us that are still in our Western mindset cannot fathom the type of man he is. We run away from men like him, he’s scary, he’s “too smart” lol. He anticipates my next move, he knows what I’m thinking and he knows why I do or say whatever it is that I do or say. It’s frightening, to be known so well. But, when you get to know my husband, he knows everybody like that. When it comes to his trades (he’s a MASTER of all trades, lol. Not a jack lol) he knows them just as well as he knows me. He is the best at everything he does…
Which is why I, a typical, above average, American Black woman, cannot seem to “handle” him. No, not on my own.
It’s hard. For four years it has been just him and me. I have weathered the storms thus far. But it’s so hard. As an American — I don’t like to cook all the time, I don’t like to clean all the time. Neither do I like to WORK, all the time. You may think my statement generalizes American women, but trust me — I am SO above average! I know there are many women just like me, and I know there are many women that are not as good as I am, either.
We try to justify it as being modern women in a modern world, where we don’t need the protection of a man anymore. Heck, we have the same rights, we should be able to do everything he can do, and then some.
You can!
You’ll just be doing it alone.
And most of us — the single sisters that I know — don’t truly WANT to be alone.
It’s lonely.
That career, that money — it doesn’t cuddle up to us at night…
Anyway, with our religious beliefs and his cultural beliefs and all…man, I really have to learn to be a wife. A helpmate.
I must say I’m doing well. But still I slack off in some areas.
I’m tired. I’m sick. I’ve got high blood pressure and I am NOWHERE near fat. Just have a low tolerance for sodium, is all. Oh, and I have alot of stress. I worry alot, I fear (ungodly!) alot. Sometimes I need to get to bed early. Sometimes I need a nap in the middle of the day.
So, I need some help.
I won’t ask for a sister-wife. Once I broached the subject with hubby — he knows how obsessed I am with the whole idea and I suppose he knew it was only a matter of time — and he got so pleased that I just FREAKED OUT! I immediately became insecure and jealous and I was like “No! No, nevermind, I don’t want you to have anybody else! I’m sorry!” I could not believe how freaked out I became!
Maybe in a few years… I actually already have someone in mind, but I don’t want to just have us go for her. I would like to weigh our options, perhaps there’s someone better, someone that is already in the same mind frame belief-wise that we don’t have to “convert”….
I’ll pray on it. You do too, okay??
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