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If you’re like me you’re a fan of all things polygyny. We may or may not ever find a sister-wife to join us, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize it as an positive relationship dynamic.
So from time to time, when I come across something — a link to a site, a video, or articles pertaining to the subject, I try to share it here so others can enjoy it as well.

So heeere ya go, here’s some stuff, that I got from someone else, lol. They did the footwork, posted it, and it was good. Yay, Facebook!!

Polygyny is legal in Islam and Christianity

Polygamy is the key to long life

And THIS awesome looking book — Polygyny: The Ancient African Welfare System

Okay babies, I’m done — a distant friend checked in on me this week. “How are you?”, she asked. “Great,” I said, “better than I’ve been in WEEKS.”
EVER SINCE I confronted “our” ex, and ever since I wrote out exactly WHAT she did, on here — the Great Purge — I feel SOOO much better about everything. I am sleeping better, I am happier. I am happier ABOUT polygyny in our life in GENERAL — whether we do it or not. She suggested this sister to us just before the break up, and suggested us to her, and STILL told that same sister, after our last major falling out that she’d be a better match for us than she was? And we talked about that, us and this other sister — she sought to make us look really bad over the last few months in order to justify jumping in bed with that other guy…if we were so bad, why would she suggest that such a nice girl try to join up with us? …

Anyway — old news.
Let me go. I’m so very busy; I have a ton of packages going out. Gotta get em ready.

I don’t understand people.
I have EXPERIENCE in DEALING with people. I know how to handle them.
But I don’t understand them, no.
I’ve handled people and their attitudes toward me since I was in the second grade.
I KNOW how to identify a friend versus a messy person (who would, in essence, be a friend to NO ONE).

Okay — let met explain what happened AFTER our break up. Maybe it will clear the picture up a little bit —

So we’d broken up, but as I said a few entries ago, we were all three still in contact, daily. Talking on the phone, having good conversations. She was still telling him she loved him, saying she didn’t know how she was going to get over him, saying she missed us. People were still skype-ing (I don’t skype. I’m shy. *shrugs* I’ll DO it but I don’t like doing that).
We saw online that she was on a flight to Maryland. She lives in California. She hadn’t told us about any travel plans — but hey, we weren’t together anymore, right? So okay, that’s fine. We assumed she was visiting family; she has family on the east coast.
She calls and talks to him on the phone both before leaving and after she arrives in Maryland. She calls him when she first sees snow — because she’d never seen snow before, and she thought it was beautiful. She wanted to share that with him. She called him, later that evening, to tell him, AGAIN, that she loved him very much, and didn’t know how she was going to get over the situation.
The next morning, there’s a post on Facebook in one of the polygyny groups. The post talks about a single woman in the group, of no name, who has been flying cross-country to have sex with various men, also in the group, of no name. The creator of the post expressed disgust and displeasure.
When WE read the post, we thought it was talking about HER. It made us feel bad for her, and he immediately wanted to warn and protect her.
So he called her, to tell her that there was a post, and no matter how it sounds, WE hadn’t said anything ill about her to ANYONE — but someone ELSE may have, and someone may have been trying to make her look bad.
They got on the phone with each other and start having regular, jovial conversation.
But he started to hear whispering in the background. And so, mid-sentence, he’s like “–who’s that whispering in the background?” It was a regular inquiry with no suspicion of anything weird.
But when she heard the question, she hung up on him, immediately.
He called her back. She picked up. “What did you say?” she asked. “The phone cut out and I didn’t hear you.”
So he asked again, because the whispering was still happening. “Who is that whispering –” then he stopped. He realized it might be a man. So he asked “– who did you go to Maryland to see?”
And she hangs up on him, AGAIN.
So he calls her over and over probably 4 times. Then he stops and he texts her “If you don’t want me to call you, let me know.”
It’s still no big deal — he just doesn’t want to mess things up for HER, if she’s seeing someone. But she hasn’t SAID that she’s seeing someone…
Who responds to her text, through the phone, is the GUY, this asshole who we’ve gotten into it repeatedly on facebook. He’s a complete pompous ass in his response, as well, he’s like “Don’t text her anymore, she doesn’t give a fuck”, and something like “I stole your woman she’s in the bed with me right now”, and “you better watch out before I take the other one” (talking about ME — I would NEVER be so disloyal in my LIFE to EVER consider leaving one man for another man that HATES HIS GUTS. I have NEVER been that kind of person).
My husband responds with something like “I’m not surprised” and he calls me and tells me about it. I FLIP OUT. How DARE SHE? I HEARD her on the phone the night before, I HEARD what she’d said! How you claim to be in love with someone, but you in the bed with another dude? How you claim to be a FRIEND and love people, and you don’t tell them that this is what you plan to do, and who you plan to be with?
We’d only been broke up a week. And this dude, in the text, is calling her his WIFE.
I called her phone and cussed her out because she was too cowardly to even pick up the phone. How DARE you let him say the things that he said to him?? WHY would you do it like THAT? Do you HATE us? Y’know what I’m sayin? (like we’re really talking right now)
I went on facebook and messaged her a whole lot of angry things, and then I texted her a whole lot of angry things and that asshole dude RESPONDED for her AGAIN. She’s such a bitch for that I don’t know what to do right now it’s been months since that happened but HELL YEAH I’m still mad when I think on it too hard.
I couldn’t write it any time before now because I get SOOOO angry about it.

So a week later, the polygyny group hosts a women-only friday night conference call. And I get on the call and everything is amiable. When I speak, SHE responds “OMG! Hiii, Rebecca!” — speaking to me as if that was okay.
I flip out AGAIN.
And everyone thinks I was wrong for that but FUCK — what if it happened to THEM? Let’s see how THEYD react!
So we’ve cussed each other out completely on the call, ruining the call completely for everyone else.
The next day, she runs on facebook and into the groups and starts saying mean things. Her little stupid fat friend with her fat face starts joining in. I don’t know what SHE has to do with anything, but she’s a horrible person, because she likes to get into other people’s business when she was no where in the situation at all.
We have all been on thin ice with each other, ever since.

ALOT of the people don’t believe anything I say about the situation, because they feel they know her. She’s so-called “honest” with them, and so-called “real” in their book — because she talks about sex with them and they all get real crass and vile and nasty when they talk about sex — and I don’t do that with THEM, because HEY — I DONT KNOW YOU LIKE THAT. WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT I LIKE AND HOW I LIKE IT? I talk to my CLOSE friends about stuff like that, but I’ve known them since elementary school. I DON’T KNOW THEM.
She talks to them on the phone and I am SIMPLY not a phone talker. My besties and I don’t talk on the phone often, what makes you think I wanna talk to you when I don’t know you? You want to get to know each other? Move here and we’ll meet up face to face and then we’ll know each other. But I’m not a phone-chatter I got other things to do…
So they believe her off the bat and claim I’m not consistent with my personality (because when I’m angry, I will flip out on you — what they don’t know is, I’m like that FACE TO FACE I’ve fought ALOT in my life, and if I get angry I’m quick to possibly yank you real quick, depending on how I feel at the moment). I am whoever I am. It is whatever it is. However I feel is how I feel. I’m NICE, when you meet me. I’m pleasant. Most no-good people will think I’m weak, when they meet me, and they’ll try to take advantage of me (there’s a girl online and she just thinks I’m an idiot. She’s bossy and she’s curt and rude and tries to get me to do things SHE wants me to do, and then she likes to talk about me behind my back to the point where people have to tell her to calm down on that… smh and that’s why when she does messiness and I am aware of it, I go ahead and let people know she’s being messy. Because I’m NOT stupid, I’m just not a messy little prick. That’s all).
I am. WHOEVER. I am. And it IS. WHATEVER. It is.
These people who are so quick to believe everything this girl says (that she says because SHE’s hurt because she hurt US, and she feels BAD but can’t bring herself to just ACKNOWLEDGE how messed up that was, and how she feels BAD about it… so she seeks to make us look bad) they believe her because THEY NEVER LIKED US IN THE FIRST PLACE. We’re fit, we’re attractive, we’re striving for success. We travel, we are well-read, we are liked by NICE people. People from the polygynous groups on facebook, when they come to town, they meet up with us, and they GENUINELY like us. Because we’re REAL — we SAY we homeschool our children, and we DO and it’s OBVIOUS because our kids are EDUCATED and POLITE. We SAY we have a store and we DO and it’s OBVIOUS because our customers LOVE US and they ALWAYS speak well of us. We SAY we travel and we DO and it’s OBVIOUS because, well because of the pictures, of course lol and the fact that, for example, my husband went and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, reached the top summit, and ended up in the newspaper back in his country for being the FIRST of his countrymen to summit the mountain…
Our friends and family members are great people (we’re all only lightly dysfunctional and every family is lol), but they’re all nice and good people and don’t tend to try to ruin other people’s lives with their antics. Not typically. lol

So at the end of the day, I’m always feeling blessed. And people hate us for who we are and how we area and they’d feel better if we were how she wants to describe us right now…

Okay. That’s what she did. That’s why we were hurt. NOT the break up. That was never the problem and was INITIATED by us.

Alot of people on the outside of polygyny looking in cannot imagine the idea that women married to the same man could actually be friends with one another.
Western society has put forth the notion that women are naturally jealous of each other. Some of us ACT jealous when we’re really not; we’re just doing what is expected of us.
There are families where the sister-wives are not friends; the idea of the term co-wife rings in the back of my head. They may have no intentions on being friends with each other. Some prefer it this way. The wives do not speak, live in separate locations (sometimes cities/state/countries away from one another). They may only know of each other in name. The husband stays with one wife and her children for a time, then he goes to stay with the other family for a time. The pros of this are that he never has to worry about them ganging up on him when there’s a disagreement. If they DO know each other, and dislike each other, any time they have trouble, whether it be solo or amongst the wives, they will lean on him for comfort and not on each other.
The cons are the amount of time each wife spends by herself, basically being a “single mom” while he’s gone, and the amount of money having to be spent on two separate households. Sometimes that wife has to work and make her own money because the husband’s money can only cover a certain amount of her bills. The man may tire of traveling back and forth, and in some cases, he ends up leaving much-needed items or downright losing them during the travel to and from the houses of his wives.

When the wives are friends, they are more apt to work together, to cooperate, and to want the best for each one’s relationship with the husband (and with each other). If they don’t mind, they may be able to stay in the same house together, or at least on the same land with each other. Chores will get done together, children will be raised together. Their children will not only get to see their father alot more often, but there will be “other mothers” for the children to lean on if their mother is ill or busy at the moment. A lot of men talk about not wanting their wife to talk to them all the time about stuff, and not wanting to have discussions and such. If the wives are friends, they will rely on each other for conversation and discussion (especially discussions of the feminine nature — whatever that entails)
The cons to this arrangement are sometimes, when one wife is mad at you, and she talks to the other wife/wives about it, they might be mad at you, too. Or them talking all the time may end up with them having inside jokes that you’re not privy to (as friends tend to have — especially about “boys” — no matter a woman’s age there can always be some giggling to be found about a man lol). There are certain type of men that have to be honest that they MIGHT just get downright jealous of the friendship the sister-wives have with each other. They might REJOICE in the idea of them being completely separate.

The majority of the people I know like the latter relationship style. But I know people that prefer the former. Personally I cannot fathom the idea of not having a friendship with a woman involved with my husband. I can see it breeding jealousy (“What does he do when he’s at her house? What do they talk about? Do they talk about me? Does he completely forget me when he’s over there?”) and insecurity (“I’ll bet she’s better at everything than I am. I bet she’s a better cook, a better cleaner… I bet…”).

But to know the woman/women my husband also loves — to know them, to love them and to trust them as having the best interest of the family unit in mind and NOT just their individual relationship with our husband — the very idea brings peace to my heart. This woman will be there for my kids if I’m unavailable. She’ll cook his meals when I am unable. She’ll bring her creative mind to the table when we’re working on something. Her sense of humor will make him laugh like mine makes him laugh. She’ll make him happy in her own way, and I will make him happy in my own way, and we’ll all be happy, together.

Sisterhood is highly desirable in polygyny. If you don’t experience it, you’ll never know how harmonious it can be.

Nah get it twisted — I ain’t ready to court any new person yet? (she and I were close — and one day I’ll type it all up from the roota to the toota but, no — I’m not there yet. Just know there were times that she lied to us about things she’d done — speaking ill about us to other people, telling things that we hadn’t discussed telling, then come back and tell us these things didn’t happen, and feign that her feelings were hurt when we confessed one day that we just didn’t trust her because we could SENSE the lies…no I’m still put out with all that. She’d be honest with everyone else that she didn’t know but she’d lie to the people she was supposed to be trying to be with… and it seems she’s doing the same with this next dude as well… I’m not as angry, but I’m not over it and I’m not ready to put my heart into it yet)

But if we ever do it again — again, this is what we’ll be seeking.

Stay tuned!

Blessings!

There will come a time when people may have a disagreement. The question has been asked time and again — when the other two are arguing (let’s say there’s a family of two wives one husband), what are YOU supposed to do?

Do you A)let them sort it out themselves? B) take a side? C) mediate?

Most people vary between A and C.

Me, personally, in my own situation, I tried to mediate — both parties would come to me, and I’d try to build the bridge between the two. I think that it worked a lot less often than it didn’t. But I just hate it when I can see that there’s clearly been a misunderstanding and that some assistance in communication could help the two clarify their points and come to some solution.

Now me — when he and I argue, I think people should STAY OUT OF IT. We’ve been married 10 years and we’ve known each other for quite a while. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been with us THAT long can tell us anything about each other — you’d have to be with us for a few years before you’d be able to lend us a hand in that situation.
Just be there when we cry or need to vent and that’s all.

So what am I saying, exactly?
I mean — you can stay out of it. I am a firm believer of the 1on1 relationships standing on their own feet. The relationship between my husband and this woman could not stand on it’s own feet. (It COULD HAVE. And I’m not saying that there’s only one person to blame? But there are a lot of things she could have done that she chose not to… we’ll talk about that another time.)That relationship over there has to be able to work ITSELF out. You don’t HAVE to feel obligated to assist with that.

You’ll end up being the hinge. And me, I never wanted to be the hinge. So I was in an uncomfortable place.

Alot of things I’m going to talk about over time. Writing and talking gives me closure and peace.
So… until next time, peace be unto you and unto you be peace.

We had to break it off with the sister we were courting. It was a 10-month relationship, when it was good it was great, when it wasn’t it was bad. At the END of the DAY she wasn’t suited to us. She couldn’t understand the way our household ran. Couldn’t do what a wife, in OUR house, is expected to do (we did a trial-run, where she and her younger children lived with us for 60 days, to see how it would work out). She equated being submissive to feigning 100% agreement with him, but then walking off not TRULY agreeing, and sometimes to the extent of tearing him down behind his back, or simply not doing something he’d asked her to do. I’m submissive — YES — but I’m not stupid. If something he wants doesn’t make sense to me, I speak up. If I wholeheartedly do not agree with his stance, I tell him. I do this, because we need to TRULY be on one accord in regards to the directions of this family, and in addressing situations this family goes into. I advised HER to do the same, because TRULY, if you do not COMPLETELY agree with what he’s telling you to do, then you are PROBABLY not a good fit.
She says she learned alot from the situation and I certainly hope she did. We learned some things, too. And initially we walked off with at least our friendships still intact.
The Breaking Up of Us actually revealed alot of other things about her, and to some extent, she is not to be blamed. Not REALLY. We are all products of our environments. And when you’re not taught better, you can’t do better, and while sometimes HOW to do better is RIGHT THERE, under your NOSE, you can’t see it because of who you are and how you are.
She lied. She did alot of lying. And she knows it. The way she is, she lies to preserve herself. How we individuals deal with problems goes back to our childhoods — we learn how to handle issues around age 6 or 7, regardless of right or wrong, and we deal with them in this way all the way into our adulthood. We continue in this way, until we are made to recognize that this is a pattern at which point we have the choice to change it. That is very difficult; most will choose to continue the way they always have. And deal with situations the same way they always have dealt with them.
(I’d like to say now, that REALLY, once you’re an adult, you are ultimately responsible for your own issues and can’t fully use the excuse of “it’s the way I was brought up” or “I had a horrible childhood” or “that’s the way we are, where I’m from”. NO EXCUSE. We understand, yes, and we get it — but there’s no true excuse…)
When we were initially hit in the face with her lies, it was about something that happened after our break up. It affected our friendship with her, and truly broke it down. It’s done; we can’t be friends with someone that does friends that way. Feelings were hurt, betrayal was felt. Anger, too. But what compounds that is the revelation of how many things she lied about during the relationship. Stuff that, when you want to be in a relationship with someone, you should tell them, yes. It may be bad, you may have made a mistake, but you have to tell them and allow them to handle the mistake in whatever way they plan to handle it. It’s not up to you to not tell them — you take the choice away from them, when you do that. Not cool.

Other things we have learned about ourselves is something I’ll probably have to put in another post. Alot of people who know of the situation have chosen sides — but the people that REALLY know what happened are the three of us. No one knows her, and no one knows us. But WE THREE, *we* know each other well enough. People are thinking that we had a problem with the break up, but as I’ve expressed here (and to them as well, but they refuse to listen…hard of hearing much? a-heh) the problem wasn’t the break up. We were on VERY amicable terms afterward, we were still talking on the phone, almost every day.
Anyway, people have asked us to mediate and I don’t do that for people I have no intentions on keeping in my life to some degree. I have 3 best friends. THREE. And I have a circle that extends out from THEM, people that I do love and who love me and like me. If WE have a falling out, I will accept mediation on that. Other than THEM, I have no interest in doing that for anyone else. I am happy with who I am and how I am and no matter how it hurts to have to lose this person (because of THEIR mistakes, not mine. I was NOTHING but a friend), I am glad the loss was sooner than later. I am happy where we are, now. I wish her well, I pray for her and her children, and We will move forward — upward and onward, unto the next life.

 

It’d be great if we could all live like these people!! But can we get along with others? Can people be HONEST with who is a worthy “leader” and who is not (because all types of communities end up with some obvious leaders and SOMETIMES those leaders are chosen by what’s POPULAR not by who’s the RIGHT one)?

http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2012/11/polygamists-in-the-rock/100406/

Bro. Polight talks about “The God Family”, and while I don’t necessarily agree with his belief system-verbiage on the matter I UNDERSTAND what he’s saying and to ME, it is more than acceptable.

Brother has done a few videos on polygamy:

We’re great.

She’s great.

We talk on the phone all the time, on the texts and FB msgr. They’re trying to work out a schedule because him and her, they are pretty much on the phone all day long. I don’t mind either way; it’s been me and him for a decade lol. I be right there (you like that bad English? WHATEVER I BE RIGHT THERE) when they talking.
She’s going to try to come and visit soon. I REALLY hope it all works out and that she will come (NOT like that LAST sister that claimed to be coming and then dropped out 45 minutes AFTER we went to pick her up at the airport!!).
She’s goofy, like me. Three dorks, together it’s hilarious.
We Skype/tango a lot. Whichever works better.
She likes to discuss and debate; she’s smart and has opinions.
No secrets. Fears and concerns are discussed. Because — we’re all westernized beings…and change, while painful, is cleansing.
He and I, when we met, we moved fast. She likes to move fast, too. So we will SEE what becomes of us.
I told them both, tho — that I’m getting old (ha, only early 30s but whatever). If this doesn’t work out, I may not do this again. Because when I get used to a person being in my life, even if it is just long distance like this is now — and it doesn’t work out and so I lose that person in some kind of fashion,  my heart hurts. I am sad. I was SAD and DEPRESSED and we just stayed AWAY from courting.
So I don’t know if I wanna do it again, if this doesn’t work out.
WE ARE OKAY WITH NOT HAVING ANOTHER WIFE.
That’s not the depression.
It’s the same depression of any relationship break up. Why the break up? It wouldn’t matter — whether she did something or we did something or if it just was a mutual break up — I’ma be SAD man I’ma be soooo sad.
It’s like — you get married and you feel like you should never have to deal with breakup sadness again… with Nasi — aka, the Girl that Didn’t Exist (they call them catfishes now), major break up sadness, no closure… I have to set apart with myself to gain closure from even friendships when they dissolve…
So I hope and pray it all works out. We have a good time with this sister, she’s funny and corny and so are we. It’s easy to laugh with her. And it’s easy to be serious with her, as well, because she’s smart.

Where she’s from — she’s like the rose and grew from concrete.

WHAT an experience!
It’s going well SO far.
It’s long distance; she’s out of state.
We all get along really well; we ‘skype’, or whatever — video phone lol. We talk to her ALL DAY long if we’re not texting we’re messaging if we’re not messaging we’re on the phone if we’re not on the phone we’re on the video chat if none of that is going on we’re talking about her. Making considerations and plans for the future…
If it doesn’t work…well. At least…we’ve made a friend??
Stay tuned…