You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘marriage’ tag.
I don’t think it’s for everyone. I didn’t think I would want to get married mainly because of having to compromise because there’s someone else in your life. You can’t be “selfish” and only think about you on things — you gotta look at this other person and be like “What do YOU think, honey?” Instead of saying “Y’know what? I think I like that city; I think I’ll move there.”
But I met my husband and after 3 weeks I was suddenly REALLLY interested in wedding dresses. Never was before but suddenly they were of interest.
And I found myself neglecting everything I needed to do to be where he was, to talk to him, to see HIS face, to hear HIS voice.
And it was scary and I was very freaked out because this was NOT normal for me. Guys weren’t too interesting to me; they all seemed stupid, or seemed to be playing games, or they just weren’t what *I* wanted them to be. I hadn’t taken any of them seriously at all. I dated when I wanted company for a movie or to a party/club, and when I wanted to be alone I’d be alone. (Some of them were so dumb I’d just tell them “Shhh. Shhh! Don’t speak to anyone during this event. Just smile and nod” because they were handsome and I needed a handsome date to this event.)
So to meet this man, where he just thoroughly impressed me, and his conversation was something I wanted to participate in…suddenly I want to cook for him. I want to make his plate. I want to bring it to him. I want him to enjoy my food. I want him to think I’m pretty so I’d BETTER do my hair. I need to put on make up now. I’d better wear a pretty dress, etc.
I CARED about him liking me and I wanted him to like me…
We got married in 9 months.
It’s been 10 years and we’re still together.
And I STILL like talking to him. And we STILL like each other’s faces. And even when we argue I’d rather do it with HIM. And even though I no longer get my way ALL the time… because of the damned compromising and other adult things that people have to do for relationships to work and grow… I like this condition of marriage. I like having him around, after 10 years. I like that our kids look like him, our sons walk like him and want to be like him. I like that our daughter often agrees with her father’s opinion (I do too).
There doesn’t seem to be any end to our attraction to each other. I thought they said these feelings ended. They haven’t.
I’m not a romantic person and neither is he. The relationship is very reasonable and the love we feel is real and deep and there are no words really, to describe it. Especially not to anyone that’s never felt it.
So maybe if you meet someone interesting, you’ll end up changing your mind but uh, if not, then I totally understand.
If you are pro-polygyny, and you are out here in the big, big western world… and you can’t find anyone who agrees with you… or you’re afraid to tell friends and family or to talk to ANYONE for fear of judgement and persecution… or PROSECUTION, if you’re already polygynous (it’s an issue for Mormons lol)…
You don’t HAVE to be alone!
PEOPLE THAT FEEL LIKE YOU, ARE OUT THERE!!!!
THEY’RE ALL OVER FACEBOOK!!!!!
…you just have to seek us out.
If you want to link up, connect with and speak to others that are *like* you — hit me up on Facebook — dreamgyrl360 — message me — and I’ll get you to a group of people that are like you…
Because polygyny is NOT full of theists (although there are ALOT) — there are so many different kinds of polygynists! It’s just a matter of getting in where you fit in!
I know Christian polygynists, Jewish polygynists, Muslim polygynists, Hebrew Israelite polygynists, Pan-African polygynists, Atheist polygynists, Yoruba polygynists, spiritualist polygynists…
I’ll put you in contact.
Because while the majority of the Facebook polygyny community right now is not a group of people I particularly “like” (nor is it a group of people that particularly like ME — See previous post where Tom had balloons, as the feelingks iz mutwul, mon ami) — I know that people that NEED answers, that NEED support — they can find it in these groups.
They are necessary. And they’re good for that.
You have some sort of polygynous question or query, some issues in your relationship, some curiosity about any of it — you can ask it there and get true-to-life answers.
And that’s great.
Alright another customer — let me get off.
BLESSINGS!!!
There’s this stigma that’s been given to the use of ordinal numbers when it comes to identifying wives.
Stranger: Who’s that?
Man: Oh that’s my first wife, that’s my second, and that’s my third.
This identification seems to have people up in arms. And I’m wondering if it’s ONLY the ones that aren’t even in a polygynous situation as of yet.
If you take “first” to be synonymous with better or favored then that’s disappointing. How does the man point out that this wife is the one he married when he was 19, and that one he married when he was 25, and the other, he just married her last year, at age 32?
How does he say that?
Why are ordinal numbers freaking people out?
I said it on my facebook fanpage — the first wife experience is one experience. The second wife experience is a whole ‘nother, totally unique experience. The third wife’s experience will also be very different (and they might not like it, but any wives after the third one, their experiences will be similar to the third’s…they may find camaraderie there).
The first wife, depending on the amount of time in the marriage, will have had the man to herself for a time. No matter which one initiated the idea of polygyny, she will be the one that will have to psychologically open herself to the idea of her man, that she’s been monogamous with for x amount of time. Typically the new wife moves into the family’s existing situation — so first wife has to be ready to allow someone into their already-running dealings. She has to be ready and willing to lend assistance and help someone know the ropes of the household (because there are days when bills are paid, there are days that shopping is done, there is a way he likes his coffee, there is a way he likes his shirts ironed — and she’ll know ALL that) She’s going to have to open her heart and mind to this person being family. She is not better, she is NOT the boss of her house (should not be), she is NOT to tell the other wives what to do. She is NOT to be treated as a queen over the other wives and her treatment of them should NOT be as if they are lesser wives (now HOLD ON — Ancient Asian polygyny tends to have the first wife as “Big Mother”. I am not referring to Asian polygyny, and in this day and age and in this country you should never think of polygyny as being this construct. If someone is asking this of you, and you choose to join such a situation, that’s on you. But this is not a framework that I’d support as fair and equal and balanced). If she is older, she should be like a big sister; if she is more experienced, she should be there as a wiser friend that can lend guidance and give suggestion.
The second wife will be the FIRST new addition to this endeavor. Most mistakes will be made here, lol. She’s like the guinea pig, lol, unfortunately. If the husband hasn’t had another wife before he will now learn many things (as will first wife). The second wife has the ability to set the pace for anyone who could possibly come after her. She should understand that she’s basically latching her car onto an already-moving train (depending on how long the first wife has been there). So she should be ready. The husband may have time here and there to romance her on some level. There may be jealousy between she and the first wife; this is where they will learn how to communicate their feelings of unfairness, or their needs for more attention or more say on family situations. If she’s a team player, willing and able to help and be cooperative, things will eventually be harmonious. She would do good to understand the family she’s coming into, the goals and purpose of the unit; if she has her own personal goals, they should be incorporated into the family dynamic. If she’s younger, she will be like a younger sister — fun, needing assistance and needing at times protection and to be understood. If she’s less experienced she will need guidance. If she’s an experienced wife (or has had wife training), she may bring in some positive characteristics that should be incorporated into the family. (First wife needs to understand that second wife needs time and space to solidify her relationship with the husband! It is imperative!)
The third wife, when she comes in, the family has “experienced” polygyny and the adding of a new wife before. This may be her first rodeo — but it’s not their first rodeo! They know what mistakes were made previously and if they have been successful, they will know how to bring her in, allow her to bring in who she is and how she is, and how to help her settle into this new situation. Depending on how the mistakes in adding the second wife were ironed out, her joining the family should be mostly a positive event (this isn’t to say that the third wife’s coming wouldn’t destroy a previous relationship? Like I always say, it’s the people who make or break this dynamic and not the dynamic itself.
All other wives their entry will be similar to the third’s. This is a fact (and it’s why when you read Dr. Dixon’s book, you’ll see full chapters for first and second wife and all the other wives have the same section).
Stop equating these ordinal terms to how valuable a person is. Each person is valuable; “first wife” doesn’t mean better or good. “second wife”, “third wife” or “fourth wife” (or more) doesn’t mean lesser, worse, or bad.
These terms are truly ordinal terms. If first wife means bottom b*tch to you, then we know what world you come from; that’s evident, and telling.
Have a good day!
P.S. — if you have anything to add to this, please chime in in the comments! What are the charateristics of first wives, second wives, third wives, etc? What can one wife learn from the other? How does the husband relate to each of these wives?!? (*singing* any insulting responses or anti-polygyny responses will be deleteddddd; it is what it is)
In some cultures, men can take wives and the other wives will not be able to say yea or nay on the matter.
The man will go off, acquire a new bride, bring her home and everyone is expected to adjust accordingly.
This seems, to me, to leaves wives in a position to where they have no say over who they will build a family with.
That type of polygyny makes me sad. We don’t have to be in any way alike, we don’t have to like any of the same things. We can be our own types of people. All I ask for is a team-player mentality, the WANT to build this empire for the betterment of all of us.
There are women who are preaching that NO, the existing wives should have NO SAY. I SUSPECT it’s because they themselves are recently acquired wives and perhaps the existing wives were saying no to her being the one to join the family. And the husband invoked his “you have no say”-ness to it, and married her anyway. These women have no loyalty to the Universal Sisterhood of All Women, which dictates that you don’t allow these kinds of things to happen to your sister. You don’t allow her “choice” to be taken away.
What about existing wives in monogamy that DONT want a polygynous relationship?
YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER FORCE THEM. Even if you feel as if it’s your God-given right! YOU DONT DO IT. You’ve already got a wife. You should love her in the same way that you love yourself! You’d never FORCE yourself in such a situation. No — you value yourself TOO MUCH for that!
You can try convincing her, you can educate her on it, you can insist she read up on it and at least CONSIDER changing her view of it. But if she’s a decent wife, caring for house and home…and loving you…there’s no reason other than selfishness to steamroll past her dislike of polygyny. Don’t hurt that relationship with her for something that MAY NOT WORK OUT ANYWAY, thanks to the brokenness of people’s minds today.
You’ll be like that dog who had a small bone and when he looked in the water he saw a dog with a larger bone. He was unaware that this was his reflection and decided that he wanted THAT dogs bone. But in order to get THAT larger bone, he’d have to drop his own bone. So he let out a fierce bark and dropped his bone. He went after what he saw as the larger bone, and lost his small bone in the process. When he jumped in the water, the dog he saw, and it’s larger bone, disappeared.
…You don’t do that.
Please. Allow your wives to have a say. When they say it, dig into why they feel the way they feel and give it a consideration. You owe it to them, because you’d want people to do that for you in such a MAJOR situation (because taking on wives is NOT child’s play — wives are people with feelings, emotions, personalities, mindsets, etc and they deserve respect and consideration).
“MOST females will ALWAYS BLAME a man or make excuses for THEIR POOR CHOICES that created their DYSFUNCTIONAL or DISAPPOINTING life.
MOST males will ALWAYS BE STUPID enough to ALLOW a problematic and illogical female to MAKE DECISIONS for him.” – Jai Duval
Please understand he’s not speaking on all women. But he makes a VERY good point.
…YES I think so.
I think we will not lower our standards. I thought we were all the same and shared the same level of potential in this life? I don’t think that anymore. No.
We’ll keep our standards.
And…we won’t be picking anyone from any of the polygyny groups.
No. YOU PEOPLE are TOO MUCH TROUBLE. No thanks, lol.
So keep talking bad about us to everyone you can. We aren’t taking that route, ever again.
It will be someone local to wherever we are.
Alot of people on the outside of polygyny looking in cannot imagine the idea that women married to the same man could actually be friends with one another.
Western society has put forth the notion that women are naturally jealous of each other. Some of us ACT jealous when we’re really not; we’re just doing what is expected of us.
There are families where the sister-wives are not friends; the idea of the term co-wife rings in the back of my head. They may have no intentions on being friends with each other. Some prefer it this way. The wives do not speak, live in separate locations (sometimes cities/state/countries away from one another). They may only know of each other in name. The husband stays with one wife and her children for a time, then he goes to stay with the other family for a time. The pros of this are that he never has to worry about them ganging up on him when there’s a disagreement. If they DO know each other, and dislike each other, any time they have trouble, whether it be solo or amongst the wives, they will lean on him for comfort and not on each other.
The cons are the amount of time each wife spends by herself, basically being a “single mom” while he’s gone, and the amount of money having to be spent on two separate households. Sometimes that wife has to work and make her own money because the husband’s money can only cover a certain amount of her bills. The man may tire of traveling back and forth, and in some cases, he ends up leaving much-needed items or downright losing them during the travel to and from the houses of his wives.
When the wives are friends, they are more apt to work together, to cooperate, and to want the best for each one’s relationship with the husband (and with each other). If they don’t mind, they may be able to stay in the same house together, or at least on the same land with each other. Chores will get done together, children will be raised together. Their children will not only get to see their father alot more often, but there will be “other mothers” for the children to lean on if their mother is ill or busy at the moment. A lot of men talk about not wanting their wife to talk to them all the time about stuff, and not wanting to have discussions and such. If the wives are friends, they will rely on each other for conversation and discussion (especially discussions of the feminine nature — whatever that entails)
The cons to this arrangement are sometimes, when one wife is mad at you, and she talks to the other wife/wives about it, they might be mad at you, too. Or them talking all the time may end up with them having inside jokes that you’re not privy to (as friends tend to have — especially about “boys” — no matter a woman’s age there can always be some giggling to be found about a man lol). There are certain type of men that have to be honest that they MIGHT just get downright jealous of the friendship the sister-wives have with each other. They might REJOICE in the idea of them being completely separate.
The majority of the people I know like the latter relationship style. But I know people that prefer the former. Personally I cannot fathom the idea of not having a friendship with a woman involved with my husband. I can see it breeding jealousy (“What does he do when he’s at her house? What do they talk about? Do they talk about me? Does he completely forget me when he’s over there?”) and insecurity (“I’ll bet she’s better at everything than I am. I bet she’s a better cook, a better cleaner… I bet…”).
But to know the woman/women my husband also loves — to know them, to love them and to trust them as having the best interest of the family unit in mind and NOT just their individual relationship with our husband — the very idea brings peace to my heart. This woman will be there for my kids if I’m unavailable. She’ll cook his meals when I am unable. She’ll bring her creative mind to the table when we’re working on something. Her sense of humor will make him laugh like mine makes him laugh. She’ll make him happy in her own way, and I will make him happy in my own way, and we’ll all be happy, together.
Sisterhood is highly desirable in polygyny. If you don’t experience it, you’ll never know how harmonious it can be.
Nah get it twisted — I ain’t ready to court any new person yet? (she and I were close — and one day I’ll type it all up from the roota to the toota but, no — I’m not there yet. Just know there were times that she lied to us about things she’d done — speaking ill about us to other people, telling things that we hadn’t discussed telling, then come back and tell us these things didn’t happen, and feign that her feelings were hurt when we confessed one day that we just didn’t trust her because we could SENSE the lies…no I’m still put out with all that. She’d be honest with everyone else that she didn’t know but she’d lie to the people she was supposed to be trying to be with… and it seems she’s doing the same with this next dude as well… I’m not as angry, but I’m not over it and I’m not ready to put my heart into it yet)
But if we ever do it again — again, this is what we’ll be seeking.
Stay tuned!
Blessings!
There will come a time when people may have a disagreement. The question has been asked time and again — when the other two are arguing (let’s say there’s a family of two wives one husband), what are YOU supposed to do?
Do you A)let them sort it out themselves? B) take a side? C) mediate?
Most people vary between A and C.
Me, personally, in my own situation, I tried to mediate — both parties would come to me, and I’d try to build the bridge between the two. I think that it worked a lot less often than it didn’t. But I just hate it when I can see that there’s clearly been a misunderstanding and that some assistance in communication could help the two clarify their points and come to some solution.
Now me — when he and I argue, I think people should STAY OUT OF IT. We’ve been married 10 years and we’ve known each other for quite a while. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been with us THAT long can tell us anything about each other — you’d have to be with us for a few years before you’d be able to lend us a hand in that situation.
Just be there when we cry or need to vent and that’s all.
So what am I saying, exactly?
I mean — you can stay out of it. I am a firm believer of the 1on1 relationships standing on their own feet. The relationship between my husband and this woman could not stand on it’s own feet. (It COULD HAVE. And I’m not saying that there’s only one person to blame? But there are a lot of things she could have done that she chose not to… we’ll talk about that another time.)That relationship over there has to be able to work ITSELF out. You don’t HAVE to feel obligated to assist with that.
You’ll end up being the hinge. And me, I never wanted to be the hinge. So I was in an uncomfortable place.
Alot of things I’m going to talk about over time. Writing and talking gives me closure and peace.
So… until next time, peace be unto you and unto you be peace.
Here is the FULL STORY of the TWO women we courted. We are not gamblers?? We went to Vegas once and were irritated when we won $5 and then lost $6. We never gambled again and that’s what it’s like lol, actively looking. So we take it easy now. IF someone were to come, so be it. But if it never happens, that’s fine too. 🙂
We did not mention names and I didn’t want to mention anything too particular in order to continue their anonymity…
The video is an hour long — first half for one potential, second half for the other.
Yah bless!!
Coarse: A Blog 