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I had something written. Then I deleted it.
I don’t want to talk about that.
And THEN I wrote something ELSE. And deleted that, too.
I’m reading Octavia E. Butler this week. I’ve read quite a few of her books, but I took the kids to the library for the first time in a couple of YEARS a couple of Saturdays ago, and my library actually had her books (if you can believe it — my neighborhood isn’t the best place but it ain’t the worst, either).
I saw Parable of the Talents, but knew in order to read Talents, you gotta read Parable of the Sower, first. So I timidly asked the guy at the counter if they still ordered books from other libraries — he said sure and I gave him the name and they ordered it — in a couple of days they called me and I went and picked it up.
I like it.
I didn’t know it was sooo dystopian. Dystopian-survivalism, I like that genre of everything. Because, to be honest, I don’t see a bright future for America. I see us heading downhill — and I’m sure most of us see it.
So… it piqued my interest.
She didn’t even finish the story. You’ve got Sower, Talents, and she was supposed to do Trickster, but moved over to Fledgling. Boo.
Who will finish it?
Wish I cared enough to take up the torch.
I like to write.
I have books unfinished all over the place. I write fervently, chapters upon chapters, for months on end (or I used to). Then suddenly , I stop. My mind is like “Story dun!” I don’t have anymore.
So no I won’t undertake it. I’d never finish.
But it’s almost black survivalist fiction. Wow. NEEDED. MUCH needed.
I read survivalist fiction and most characters are white Republicans who, as luck would find it, have all the skills they need for surviving the Pockyclips and living on from generation until generation, forever and ever, Amen.
And that’s bull. It’s not going to be THAT perfect and predictable.
There’s more I want to say but I can’t put it into words.
I want to do a video. Because there’s more I Want to say on this subject.
…but people DIE in Butler’s books. Characters that you’ve become fond of, on some level. They die on you. They are killed. They make mistakes and are raped and beaten, murdered and burned, their charred bodies etched in your mind long after you’ve finished the book and wakened back into reality.
And that’s how reality is. People die and are killed. People DONT have everything together and have all that they need to survive.
There’s ALWAYS something more needed.
…and to make this about polygyny, wives are great preps. Groups of adults bound to a family unit work very well together. The more there are, the greater the chance that “The Family” will survive.
AIIGHT AIIGHT I’m done. *pushes keyboard off desk*
Peace, y’all.
I dreamt of my mammaw’s house last night.
It was a green, wood-frame house — the kind of green from the 60s/70s that no one would touch today.
It had a small front porch. No central air, and in south Texas. All windows would be open. When you enter the house, you enter their small livingroom. To the left was the diningroom, with a door that leads to the kitchen. The kitchen would be hot because of all the cooking she’d do. So the door would be closed most of the time in the mornings and in the afternoons. Then there was another door into her and papaw’s bedroom, that was screened in on all sides with a door that led out back. They had the bathroom. Right beside the kitchen door was another door, that led to a guestroom. The guestroom had a door that led right back into the livingroom.
At night she’d give you a chamberpot for the guestroom if you had to go in the night. She was still used to outhouse living — you didn’t go in her room to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. You used the chamberpot.
I never used it at night lol. Forget that.
She would get real butter, and in the mornings she’d set it out on the table, and it would soften while she cooked.
Her eggs were always perfect — light, fluffy, not even seasoned. But good, just like that.
Her toast was toasted on the stove.
My papaw had his chair in front of the tv. NO ONE sat in that chair. He smoked ALOT of cigarettes, and had one of those club-ashtrays with the tall stand right beside his chair. He wasn’t my biological papaw; my blood papaw died before I was born. My mammaw didn’t get divorced; her husbands would grow old and die and she’d remarry. But John was a very good man, and was a good papaw to me. He was a light skinned man, missing teeth here and there, and was much the farmer. He’d be gone most of the day, farming somewhere, then he’d come home. He’d greet me and his country accent was thick but I understood what he was saying. He’d sit and watch tv and did not want to be bothered.
My mammaw, when I’d stay with them alone, would set me on the bed in the guestroom while she did her chores. She’d bring me a box “Would you like to see my pretty earrings?? I have lots of pretty earrings,” she’d say. She’d put the box on the bed and be like “Only problem is, they’re all mixed up! They need to be matched together. Can you do that for mammaw while I go and cook dinner?”
“Yes ma’am,” I’d say, and I’d set about my task, of matching earrings…
and I’d find NOT ONE MATCH IN THE ENTIRE BOX, lol.
She was good at distracting me. lol
She’d show me all her shoes — shoes she’d bought back in the 40s but were still in impeccable condition.
She’d show me all the arrowheads she’d found in their yard. So many!!! And still, hundreds of years after Native Americans lived on that land, *I’d* find them, and we’d add them to the box. She had them in an old lunchbox.
What would irritate me a little was when she’d show me the picture albums of all our family members from everywhere.
The children of her white employers would be in there, among the family members.
She was a cook in a white family’s house on the white side of town, for decades.
She felt like they were family.
I felt like they were NOT.
…they weren’t bad people, I guess. For that time. They still gave her money, even though she no longer worked for them. The gave alot of money for her funeral, when she died. So I guess they weren’t bad.
But still. I didn’t like it; I didn’t understand… and only understand now in the sense that times were different then.
I always thought cucumbers grew from trees and now I understand why I thought that — on the edge of their small property were trees, and the vines had grown up into the trees. So when mammaw would want cucumbers, she’d pick them out the trees, lol. She made pickles.
Their walkway had aloe plants growing. Papaw planted them there.
There was watermelon and pumpkins deep in the back…berries too. I wouldn’t go there, tho.
There was an extra room in the back of the kitchen. Sometimes mammaw would ask me “You wanna see what’s in that backroom?” “Yes ma’am!”
She’d get a key and unlock the door, and all her storage stuff was in there — old dolls, arrowheads, just a bunch of old things. It was hot in there; stuffy. I remember the stale smell of the air. We’d stay in there for a while as she uncovered things, and told me their stories of how they’d found them.
She’d go into Spanish (mammaw and papaw spoke Spanish fluently; all of our very old people did. My blood papaw, he did, too. He DREAMT in Spanish and would speak it in his sleep). She’d stop and say “You know what that means??” “No.” “It means ‘watch out’. Cuidado.” and she’d go on with her story.
They never cursed. My blood papaw would curse in his sleep, in Spanish, as he was fighting some long-ago situation. But they never cursed.
My mammaw was scared of Mexicans. They were boogie men to her, when I knew her. She’d close all the windows in the hot, hot house, telling me “Gotta keep the windows closed — dem Meskins — dey’ll peek in on you!”
Less than 10 minutes’ later, my mother would be on her trail, re-opening all the windows.
It was because once, when my mammaw was hanging curtains in her bedroom, a Mexican man shot her five times through the window.
He was chasing someone down the alleyway, thought the silhouette in the window was the man he was pursuing, and so he shot her.
Her husband was mowing the lawn in the front and heard nothing.
She had to drag herself through the house, and out on the front porch, which is where he saw her…
She survived (obviously). But was always paranoid about Mexicans and her windows after that.
In the winter, they had two heaters. I don’t know how old you are, reading this, or what you know about heaters from back in the day. But these were some DANGEROUS ASS HEATERS…omg… metal, and in the middle, FIRE. They had gas in them obviously but I don’t know how they worked.
They had one in the livingroom and it was enough to heat the entire house.
It caught my mammaw on fire one day. IT DID. Her robe got caught.
She was burned on 60% of her body.
She survived THAT (OBVIOUSLY).
…I don’t know what to say. She survived many things, and outlived 3 husbands.
When she was closer to the end, we’d sit at the diningroom table and I’d have my paper and pen and I’d ask her questions like “Who were your parents? What were their names?? And your sisters and brothers?? And what were THEIR parents’ names??” She’d answer all my questions, she’d give me stories and anecdotes of them — some of them quite unbelievable in my opinion but I’ll trust her that they DID INDEED happen.
She got dementia, and couldn’t live alone anymore. She lived with my auntie for a while, who couldn’t keep her under control (she’d leave, get lost and the police would bring her back), so she ended up at a nursing home, where she had a most undignified death for such a good woman.
They sold her house. Last time I was in that town, I went looking for it, and couldn’t recognize it.
I’m sure the new owners did away with that awful green.
I dreamt of her immediately after her death. My auntie was sobbing. It frustrated mammaw, and she said “Who’s doing all that crying? Who DIED??” I looked over, and said “…You.” And then I woke up.
I miss my grandmother. I miss these people. I miss her house. I miss going there for holidays. I miss it.
Do you know how to be a friend? I mean a REAL friend — not one of these online-only friends, telephone-only friends, skype-only friends. Those relationships are nice and they have their place. But I’m talking about being a friend to those in your physical vicinity. Do you know how to be a REAL, TRUE friend??
For the most part I am EVERYONE’s friend on the internet. Yes! For the most part! If you come to me and you need help with something on the internet, lol, like researching, or finding something — I’m there for you. If you want to just talk about things, vent, exchange ideas and knowledge and information — I’m there for you! Absolutely; I love to learn, let’s learn!
But in real-life relationships…I only have maybe less than 50 people I can call full-fledged friends, and 3 of those are my best-of-the-best-besties that NO ONE has yet to trump as important to my life (note: a sister-wife would trump them. We’re sharing the same man, we’re sharing our days together. So yeah — you’d be more important, co-wifey).
We don’t have a perfect relationship. We get INTO it (OMG) when it’s bad it’s bad, lol. But we ACTIVELY insist on being friends with each other, and have been like that since we met. We are NOT the same — each one of us is her own type of person. But we share the same sense of humor (for the most part) and we have alot of HISTORY together. Lots of remember-whens that connect us to each other.
I talk to these women every day — probably pretty much ALL day, on and off, most of the time. There are times when we’re all busy — we all have families, we have careers, we have lives. I’m Hebrew, one is Christian, the other one is something in between the two with some Islam tossed in and the other one is Christian-lite — lol I don’t think she’s much interested at all in beliefs but she doesn’t NOT believe she’s just indifferent.
So we are friends through our differences and our opinions. We’ll tease each other, we’ll give each other hard advice, we’re there when someone needs to cry (ITS NEVER ME *points at friends* YALL A BUNCH A CRY BABIES lol — no I just get MAD when y’all cry and want to hurt the source of your sadness. I want to beat it to a pulp — how dare that situation make you cry!!! I HATE IT for you!!! I invoke Lil John on your sadness for you lol)
We are our OWN party — if we invite one another to something, we KNOW WE gone have fun, if ain’t nobody else having fun. WE will enjoy one another’s company, each other’s jokes, we’ll do our old-school dance routines together.
We wanna go out and someone like “I don’t have any money” if we REALLLY want them to go people are like “COME! I’ll pay for you don’t worry about it JUST COME!!”
We love each other very much.
Relationships take work but this friendship between us is something effortless. We are just there. When I moved away for 3 or so years, still talked daily via email. I’m the one who DOESNT talk on the phone — they all talk on the phone even tho we text and message each other all damned day. I’m busy I have to have absolutely NOTHING else to tend to for me to want to be on the phone. So they don’t tend to call me and visa versa and IM OKAY WITH THAT. When I call, we talk. When they call, we talk.
We have a few friends outside of our little circle. Those girls are our closest friends — they have THEIR besties and we love THEIR besties, so there’s all these intertwining circles that make up who we are as a group of people. Some people like each other more than others, others don’t like each other in the LEAST — but hey, we will ALL go out together, we will ALL have a blast together, we attend each other’s parties, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings — our kids go to each other’s parties and if we’ve ALL got 3 kids or thereabouts that’s a built in PARTY-extravaganza lol.
We used to have alot of events at our house (our house isn’t big but we have a big-sized backyard for our city, and a large front yard, as well) and there’d be all these kids, all these adults…the men would BBQ, drink beer and smoke (if they smoke) OUTSIDE, and they’d keep an eye on the children who were on our swingset, or in the pool we used to have, or just playing volleyball…and all the women — the MAJORITY of the women — would be inside the house, having a drink, preparing side-dishes to go with the meat, and talking about CRAZINESS, fits of laughter and when a man came in to get something everyone would stop talking and look at him and he’d be like “—I just…came to get the sauce…”
“Okay…”
And he’d grab it and back out of the room through the patio door, and we’d ALL bust out laughing.
You need ANYTHING from this net of people — we gotchu, don’t worry. Everybody has some way to assist you in whatever it is — need a job? Someone can find you a job. You need a place to stay, someone will find you a place to stay. You looking for a date? We got someone we can fix you up with, even if it’s just for an event, lol.
I don’t know… I don’t understand other people and this is why — my relationships are already established and here, and no matter WHAT I DO, or what THEY DO, no matter WHAT the madness is — they will TELL YOU YOU WRONG, YES, but they love you through it. You’ll still be friends, if you can take them telling you what you need to hear about you and what you got going on.
Most of them know I’m polygynous-minded. Extended friends will offer up other friends and be like “She need to join y’all’s family” and that person will giggle and be like “Y’all staahp!”
We are TRUE friends. Not perfect, no — people betray and stuff falls apart but you take your time and you put it back together.
We not going anywhere.
But you can’t come into this net of people and be new (SOMETIMES people are new — I’ve made two new friends in the past decade that have been almost completely absorbed into The Circle, lol. You can’t even tell that I MET THEM FIRST, lol.) and then do some fucked up shit. No. That will get you FOR SURE cut off. And EVERYONE will cut you off.
ANYWAAAAAY…I don’t think people really know how to be friends. You have to actively commit to the friendship, you have to prove yourself and over time it will be shown that yes, you and that person are friends.
But that online-friendship — you’re only friends to a certain extent. In comparison to real-life friendships…it’s NOTHING. You have NO real history, nothing tangible.
I’ve known polygynists for many years.
Long before Facebook.
I’ve been fascinated with this lifestyle for a long time.
I’ve read their stories and hear their situations — the good and the bad.
We decided we wanted this for ourselves, that — if it could happen, that’d be great.
We officially courted a sister for 8 months — a real, live situation, where people who had personalities, feelings, wants, emotions, goals, etc attempted to create something together.
If you’ve read through my previous entries (and if you’ve known us through the Facebook groups), you already know that it fell through and was ultimately disastrous in nature. It was like Hiroshima, lol — so many emotional explosions and deaths lol (I’m laughing over here; forgive me lol my humor is dark).
So I have a sense of what goes on. I know what happens. My own situation tells me things, along with the knowledge of many other polygynists who had families long before we decided we wanted this.
I hear the stories of first wives, and the stories of second wives, and the stories of subsequent wives…I’ve heard the stories of husbands. I’ve known families where people have DIED (because humans, we die…we all die, eventually) and I’ve seen how they’ve coped with that death. I’ve seen how they’ve dealt with illness, with betrayal, with abuse… with happiness, additions and new lives. I’ve seen so much of it!
For years I think, there — all conversations with the Dreamgyrl led to polygyny (just like for years, there — all conversations led to Hebraic, biblical discussions for me).
I was a zealot.
I have mellowed out.
A little.
lol
So, let’s talk about something that I know that happens.
Let’s talk about hiding wives.
Some of us want to do polygyny so bad and we know damned well nobody around us thinks it’s right. We know about the judging and the persecution of polygynous people. Wives are told that they are weak and stupid for being in a relationship like this one. Husbands are called pimps and dogs and philanderers — no matter how righteous, good and moral they and their wives may be…they are called lusty, nasty, freaks…
People have the tendency to treat you differently when they know that you’re sharing a husband/have two wives…
So, what tends to happen is, a family will add on a wife or two — a couple will add a third to their situation — but they, being well aware of what this lifestyle may bring in regards to their social interactions, tend to believe it’s best to not tell people that that other woman — standing in there, staying in that room upstairs, sitting in the car alone, or who answered the phone the other day — is a wife to this family.
What I have heard from women in this type of situation, these hidden wives, is that it’s a depressing place to be. They aren’t referred to as wife when introduced. When family comes in that’s related to the original couple/family unit, that wife is to stay away, or to just be a “friend” at the event — no hand-holding, no lingering glances, no conversation that looks more than friendly. She is put away until it’s safe for her to come out.
It begs the question — are they truly members of the family? Or is she just a toy, being played with?
I’m a first-wife. All I can do is have sympathy for the woman in that situation that lives her life in the shadows and in secret. As a human being I can empathize and say that it’s not fair to her — she’s worthy of being recognized to everyone as this man’s wife, just as the first gets that recognition.
If the fear is the judgement of friends and family — “what will mom say that I’m sharing him?” “What will my mother say, that I’m bringing in another wife?” — my question to you is, when do you STOP living your life to please these other people, and start living life to please YOURSELF? If this is a step you just cannot take (because you know how judgmental your family is, how closed-minded they are and how ignorant they are — but you love them and don’t want them to look bad upon you) — then why do polygyny at all? Why seek this out? You’re bringing in another person just to HURT them, to stifle a relationship! NO relationship does well in secret. A rose in the dark doesn’t grow well — it might grow a little, but its growth will be slow and retarded. It will not reach it’s full potential.
Just don’t do it. If you’re not strong enough to deal with that end of things, then just don’t. Stay in your monogamous relationship and don’t come out of it.
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you were to tell your family and you find that they’re NOT as close-minded and ignorant and judgmental as you thought they would be? Perhaps they have a few choice words for you — but ultimately they still love you? I mean — ask homosexuals, they come out all the time and are often met with a different reaction than what they thought. SOMETIMES friends and family are surprising (“I’ll love you through it”) but you have to give them the CHANCE to surprise you.
Of COURSE you DO have your situations where you find yourself being disowned. My question is — what kind of person wants to stay connected to people who disown them over the people THEY choose to build their lives with?? If those people you’re choosing aren’t abusive, lazy deadbeat or junkies that will cause you to die or end up in jail because of illegal antics — and your family disowns you and hates you for your choice — who wants to be connected to those types, ANYWAY??
I mean at the end of the day, your parents bed who they WANT to bed. They go to sleep with who they want to go to sleep with. They’ve built their lives with who they wanted to build their lives with.
Why can’t YOU have the same freedom?
It’s unfair to you, as an adult.
Polygyny needs to come out of the shadows; not everyone has to do it, not everyone has to like it. But the dynamic needs to be respected and accepted — because these are consenting adults that WANT this lifestyle and it makes them happy.
Don’t hide your wives.
And I’m not talking about anything that endangers your livelihood — if you work for Chik-Fil-A, lol, and your polygynous family is against how they understand scripture to decree, then hey — until you’re done working there, perhaps it’s good not to tell them, lol. But maybe start looking to work for ANOTHER place where they won’t try to make your employment contingent upon your beliefs and your personal life. MAYBE. That’d be a great idea.
…ask yourself, right now, what sort of game you playin?
These relationships that you have with each other — what sort of game you playin?
Why you open and honest with people that aren’t even in your relationship???
Why do you feel you owe THEM the honesty you won’t even give your spouse(s)?
The fuck is WRONG with you?
(I’m not talking to any particular person. Don’t be vain.)
One thing my husband and I have with each other, is HONESTY and OPEN communication.
I prescribe it for ALL relationships where you are trying to build a unit and team.
If you aren’t open and honest, IT’S GOING TO FAIL. Fuck the bullshit.
(Dammit. I’m cursing again. But *smiles* it’s Monday, and my period is here. So fuck it. It feels fucking necessary)
As I said, I prescribe it to all my friends and my CLOSEST friends know that if their relationships didn’t work out — it’s because there was a lack of honesty and/or open communication.
*shrugs* it is what it is.
If you telling EVERYBODY ELSE but the person/people that are supposed to matter to you and your life the TRUTH about who you are, how you are, what you want and how you feel — you putting all your energy into the WRONG place.
Your energy is supposed to be put INTO the relationship you’re in.
How’s he/she/they supposed to know who you ARE if you don’t tell them? How’re they supposed to know HOW you are? How’re they supposed to know what you WANT? TRUTH IS, THEY DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU NOT TELLING IT TO THEM, YOU’RE TELLING IT TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You’re a COWARD. In your RELATIONSHIP. You’re SCARED. Because you’re living a FACADE. You’re a scam artist; you’re pretending to be something you’re not, to get someone you KNOW wouldn’t go for the person that you really are. You are going to FUCK IT UP because you won’t be able to keep it up forever!!!
None of you. How can you claim to love someone and lie to them about who you are, what you like and what you do?? You bitches are desperate! Being unable to get a husband for so long has got y’all selling your souls for one.
Brave people look at shit in the face. They may be scared — yes — but bad news is bad news!! If that person/people you tryna build with don’t or won’t like what you REALLY are or who you REALLY are, you’re probably not right for each other. And that’s FINE. If you won’t change, or can’t change for this endeavor — get out. Stop wasting people’s time!!! You’re wasting YOUR time and THEIR time.
Brave people are just as scared — but they look at the situation in the face and they look at that person in their face and they say “Y’know what? This is who I am. This is how I am.” And if they NEED to change it they make their changes and if they don’t WANNA change it, they don’t make a change and fuck who feels like they need to change — point is, they not tryna waste valuable time.
…I’ma tell you… I’m GLAD you hate me. GOOD, bitches. Good. HATE ME. Because I DONT LIKE COWARDS I KEEP THEM FAR FROM ME!
One thing my husband and I have = HONESTY and OPEN COMMUNICATION. We talk about it all, we lay it all out there. If it’s a PROBLEM, we are gonna get to the BOTTOM of it or it will END. If there needs to be a change that change is made OR IT IS DONE. We’re not wasting our TIME or anyone else’s and that’s why you HATING, all this “Rebecca’s FAKE because she’s INCONSISTENT” and “Rebecca’s FAKE because she don’t tell us shit” BITCH — I’m SOOOOooooo very real. I tell what I tell to whom I tell because it’s necessary for that relationship to grow and move forward. And I don’t tell to whom I don’t tell because either it’s unnecessary, or the relationship itself is unnecessary.
Bad news = bad news — but it’s a chance to move forward or move on if need be. Get some courage, BE REAL, or UNDERSTAND that the end of your relationship is IMMINENT.
I don’t think it’s for everyone. I didn’t think I would want to get married mainly because of having to compromise because there’s someone else in your life. You can’t be “selfish” and only think about you on things — you gotta look at this other person and be like “What do YOU think, honey?” Instead of saying “Y’know what? I think I like that city; I think I’ll move there.”
But I met my husband and after 3 weeks I was suddenly REALLLY interested in wedding dresses. Never was before but suddenly they were of interest.
And I found myself neglecting everything I needed to do to be where he was, to talk to him, to see HIS face, to hear HIS voice.
And it was scary and I was very freaked out because this was NOT normal for me. Guys weren’t too interesting to me; they all seemed stupid, or seemed to be playing games, or they just weren’t what *I* wanted them to be. I hadn’t taken any of them seriously at all. I dated when I wanted company for a movie or to a party/club, and when I wanted to be alone I’d be alone. (Some of them were so dumb I’d just tell them “Shhh. Shhh! Don’t speak to anyone during this event. Just smile and nod” because they were handsome and I needed a handsome date to this event.)
So to meet this man, where he just thoroughly impressed me, and his conversation was something I wanted to participate in…suddenly I want to cook for him. I want to make his plate. I want to bring it to him. I want him to enjoy my food. I want him to think I’m pretty so I’d BETTER do my hair. I need to put on make up now. I’d better wear a pretty dress, etc.
I CARED about him liking me and I wanted him to like me…
We got married in 9 months.
It’s been 10 years and we’re still together.
And I STILL like talking to him. And we STILL like each other’s faces. And even when we argue I’d rather do it with HIM. And even though I no longer get my way ALL the time… because of the damned compromising and other adult things that people have to do for relationships to work and grow… I like this condition of marriage. I like having him around, after 10 years. I like that our kids look like him, our sons walk like him and want to be like him. I like that our daughter often agrees with her father’s opinion (I do too).
There doesn’t seem to be any end to our attraction to each other. I thought they said these feelings ended. They haven’t.
I’m not a romantic person and neither is he. The relationship is very reasonable and the love we feel is real and deep and there are no words really, to describe it. Especially not to anyone that’s never felt it.
So maybe if you meet someone interesting, you’ll end up changing your mind but uh, if not, then I totally understand.
There’s this stigma that’s been given to the use of ordinal numbers when it comes to identifying wives.
Stranger: Who’s that?
Man: Oh that’s my first wife, that’s my second, and that’s my third.
This identification seems to have people up in arms. And I’m wondering if it’s ONLY the ones that aren’t even in a polygynous situation as of yet.
If you take “first” to be synonymous with better or favored then that’s disappointing. How does the man point out that this wife is the one he married when he was 19, and that one he married when he was 25, and the other, he just married her last year, at age 32?
How does he say that?
Why are ordinal numbers freaking people out?
I said it on my facebook fanpage — the first wife experience is one experience. The second wife experience is a whole ‘nother, totally unique experience. The third wife’s experience will also be very different (and they might not like it, but any wives after the third one, their experiences will be similar to the third’s…they may find camaraderie there).
The first wife, depending on the amount of time in the marriage, will have had the man to herself for a time. No matter which one initiated the idea of polygyny, she will be the one that will have to psychologically open herself to the idea of her man, that she’s been monogamous with for x amount of time. Typically the new wife moves into the family’s existing situation — so first wife has to be ready to allow someone into their already-running dealings. She has to be ready and willing to lend assistance and help someone know the ropes of the household (because there are days when bills are paid, there are days that shopping is done, there is a way he likes his coffee, there is a way he likes his shirts ironed — and she’ll know ALL that) She’s going to have to open her heart and mind to this person being family. She is not better, she is NOT the boss of her house (should not be), she is NOT to tell the other wives what to do. She is NOT to be treated as a queen over the other wives and her treatment of them should NOT be as if they are lesser wives (now HOLD ON — Ancient Asian polygyny tends to have the first wife as “Big Mother”. I am not referring to Asian polygyny, and in this day and age and in this country you should never think of polygyny as being this construct. If someone is asking this of you, and you choose to join such a situation, that’s on you. But this is not a framework that I’d support as fair and equal and balanced). If she is older, she should be like a big sister; if she is more experienced, she should be there as a wiser friend that can lend guidance and give suggestion.
The second wife will be the FIRST new addition to this endeavor. Most mistakes will be made here, lol. She’s like the guinea pig, lol, unfortunately. If the husband hasn’t had another wife before he will now learn many things (as will first wife). The second wife has the ability to set the pace for anyone who could possibly come after her. She should understand that she’s basically latching her car onto an already-moving train (depending on how long the first wife has been there). So she should be ready. The husband may have time here and there to romance her on some level. There may be jealousy between she and the first wife; this is where they will learn how to communicate their feelings of unfairness, or their needs for more attention or more say on family situations. If she’s a team player, willing and able to help and be cooperative, things will eventually be harmonious. She would do good to understand the family she’s coming into, the goals and purpose of the unit; if she has her own personal goals, they should be incorporated into the family dynamic. If she’s younger, she will be like a younger sister — fun, needing assistance and needing at times protection and to be understood. If she’s less experienced she will need guidance. If she’s an experienced wife (or has had wife training), she may bring in some positive characteristics that should be incorporated into the family. (First wife needs to understand that second wife needs time and space to solidify her relationship with the husband! It is imperative!)
The third wife, when she comes in, the family has “experienced” polygyny and the adding of a new wife before. This may be her first rodeo — but it’s not their first rodeo! They know what mistakes were made previously and if they have been successful, they will know how to bring her in, allow her to bring in who she is and how she is, and how to help her settle into this new situation. Depending on how the mistakes in adding the second wife were ironed out, her joining the family should be mostly a positive event (this isn’t to say that the third wife’s coming wouldn’t destroy a previous relationship? Like I always say, it’s the people who make or break this dynamic and not the dynamic itself.
All other wives their entry will be similar to the third’s. This is a fact (and it’s why when you read Dr. Dixon’s book, you’ll see full chapters for first and second wife and all the other wives have the same section).
Stop equating these ordinal terms to how valuable a person is. Each person is valuable; “first wife” doesn’t mean better or good. “second wife”, “third wife” or “fourth wife” (or more) doesn’t mean lesser, worse, or bad.
These terms are truly ordinal terms. If first wife means bottom b*tch to you, then we know what world you come from; that’s evident, and telling.
Have a good day!
P.S. — if you have anything to add to this, please chime in in the comments! What are the charateristics of first wives, second wives, third wives, etc? What can one wife learn from the other? How does the husband relate to each of these wives?!? (*singing* any insulting responses or anti-polygyny responses will be deleteddddd; it is what it is)
This post REALLY isn’t about anything much.
Here’s how our days are spent. I’ll try to describe different days.
BEFORE we had the store —
5:30 wake up, make breakfast. Have coffee with hubby. Watch news or discuss stuff.
6:30 Husband leaves or work. I either finish my coffee and read, or run on Facebook, work out….go back to sleep whatever. This is my “me” time. (going back to sleep is a final option, if I’m REAAALLLY tired)
7:30 shower get dressed brush teeth
8:30 wake the kids, get them to eat breakfast. They can play for a while but they need to be dressed and teeth brushed by 10.
10:30 class begins. Used to be on Monday’s we’d have bible class ONLY, and Tuesday thru Thursday other subjects. Friday would be a free day and of course the weekend is free.
12:00 or 12:30 is lunch.
1 to 3 if there’s any more class to be had, we have it. (But the thing about homeschooling is that it doesn’t last all day the way regular school does. There’s only three of them, they’re all at different stages in their education. But not alot of time is spent in making people sit down and stay seated, or having to ask for water, or having to discipline. Walking in lines and all that nonsense.) If not, I’m cleaning up.
4 to 6 I’m preparing a meal. Usually I’d try to have a LITTLE something for him after 3p. Because of the way his job is set up, he could come home at any time and when a hard-working man comes home, he’s hungry. So you want him to be able to eat. So chips and guacamole, some tacos, some heat up tv meal, a sammich — something!
6 to 8 tentatively is dinner. I serve EVERYBODY before I get my own stuff. But I have a rule — after I sit down, I’m not getting up again before I’m done eating. Dont’ bother me. Get it yourself.
8 to 9 bedtime for the kids. Shower, whatever. Go to bed, darlings.
We’re in bed soon after. No later than 11:30p.
AFTER the store was opened —
Depends on the morning because hubby doesn’t work the same hours anymore, the main office is closer to home (not too close. It’s DALLAS — we ALLLL commute). So some mornings we’re up at 5:30 but more often than not: —
7 – make coffee. Have coffee and chill and talk.
7:30 – wake up the kids and start breakfast.
8 kids eat breakfast. Afterward, plates in sink, and they know to go brush teeth and put on clothes.
8:20 – shower (Husband leaves at SOME point. Just depends)
8:40 – trying to get out of here. We will leave at SOME point.
9 open the store
10:30 – snack time, then class begins DURING snack. We begin with history and REALLY history is me reading out loud and stopping to explain things and issues in the text to my little students. They ask questions, we may watch a video. Then we move on to other assignments.
12:30 lunch.
1-2 finish class.
3 or 4 my dad comes and gets them and they go home. That’s about the time it gets busy around here — teens are out of school, adults are starting to get off of work…
Husband shows up on and off during the day, whenever he can.
(7:15 is bath time for the kids whether they’ve had dinner yet or not)
8 we closing up
8:30 is dinner.
9:30 is bedtime for children. We either go to bed, or catch up on shows we like (Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Doomsday Preppers, Bring it!, Big Bang Theory).
We are still in bed before 11:30
That’s pretty much every day. I know there’s a Friday Night women’s call concerning all things polygyny but you won’t find me on it because Friday night is Shabbat and I wanna spend it in my husband’s face talking to him, lol. Perhaps if it was on another day? We’re very family oriented anyway. And what we’ve learned through this journey called ‘Life’ (Electric word, ‘Life’ — it means forever. And that’s a mighty long time, but I’m here to tell you — there’s something else…) is that often all he and I have, is each other and our own selves at the end of the day. So I’m not a phone talker. If you not family or a close CLOSE friend, I’m not on the phone with you (and I don’t talk on the phone with close friends, either. We message all day on facebook, and we see each other when we can. No love lost ever).
That’s okay, though. We like each other. So it’s a good thing, the attachment we have with each other. If we ever stumble upon another wife I know he wants THAT kind of attachment with HER, too. But doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen, so…
Just Us.
Oh, and Sundays are a little different but not by much. And so long as my dad’s there, I don’t have to wash a dish. He and I BOTH like washing dishes but I’m busy so there’s no longer a fight and a fuss between my dad and I over who’s gonna wash the dishes (“I AM!” “No, I AM!” lol).
ANNNNNDddd I got my sons to sort their own clothes after washing them, and to put them away!!!
Maybe next time I’ll address fully these “attachment” remarks. If I CARE. I’m flighty like that though — I’ll care right NOW, and then I won’t give a damn in a couple of days.
Peace out.
Alot of people on the outside of polygyny looking in cannot imagine the idea that women married to the same man could actually be friends with one another.
Western society has put forth the notion that women are naturally jealous of each other. Some of us ACT jealous when we’re really not; we’re just doing what is expected of us.
There are families where the sister-wives are not friends; the idea of the term co-wife rings in the back of my head. They may have no intentions on being friends with each other. Some prefer it this way. The wives do not speak, live in separate locations (sometimes cities/state/countries away from one another). They may only know of each other in name. The husband stays with one wife and her children for a time, then he goes to stay with the other family for a time. The pros of this are that he never has to worry about them ganging up on him when there’s a disagreement. If they DO know each other, and dislike each other, any time they have trouble, whether it be solo or amongst the wives, they will lean on him for comfort and not on each other.
The cons are the amount of time each wife spends by herself, basically being a “single mom” while he’s gone, and the amount of money having to be spent on two separate households. Sometimes that wife has to work and make her own money because the husband’s money can only cover a certain amount of her bills. The man may tire of traveling back and forth, and in some cases, he ends up leaving much-needed items or downright losing them during the travel to and from the houses of his wives.
When the wives are friends, they are more apt to work together, to cooperate, and to want the best for each one’s relationship with the husband (and with each other). If they don’t mind, they may be able to stay in the same house together, or at least on the same land with each other. Chores will get done together, children will be raised together. Their children will not only get to see their father alot more often, but there will be “other mothers” for the children to lean on if their mother is ill or busy at the moment. A lot of men talk about not wanting their wife to talk to them all the time about stuff, and not wanting to have discussions and such. If the wives are friends, they will rely on each other for conversation and discussion (especially discussions of the feminine nature — whatever that entails)
The cons to this arrangement are sometimes, when one wife is mad at you, and she talks to the other wife/wives about it, they might be mad at you, too. Or them talking all the time may end up with them having inside jokes that you’re not privy to (as friends tend to have — especially about “boys” — no matter a woman’s age there can always be some giggling to be found about a man lol). There are certain type of men that have to be honest that they MIGHT just get downright jealous of the friendship the sister-wives have with each other. They might REJOICE in the idea of them being completely separate.
The majority of the people I know like the latter relationship style. But I know people that prefer the former. Personally I cannot fathom the idea of not having a friendship with a woman involved with my husband. I can see it breeding jealousy (“What does he do when he’s at her house? What do they talk about? Do they talk about me? Does he completely forget me when he’s over there?”) and insecurity (“I’ll bet she’s better at everything than I am. I bet she’s a better cook, a better cleaner… I bet…”).
But to know the woman/women my husband also loves — to know them, to love them and to trust them as having the best interest of the family unit in mind and NOT just their individual relationship with our husband — the very idea brings peace to my heart. This woman will be there for my kids if I’m unavailable. She’ll cook his meals when I am unable. She’ll bring her creative mind to the table when we’re working on something. Her sense of humor will make him laugh like mine makes him laugh. She’ll make him happy in her own way, and I will make him happy in my own way, and we’ll all be happy, together.
Sisterhood is highly desirable in polygyny. If you don’t experience it, you’ll never know how harmonious it can be.
Nah get it twisted — I ain’t ready to court any new person yet? (she and I were close — and one day I’ll type it all up from the roota to the toota but, no — I’m not there yet. Just know there were times that she lied to us about things she’d done — speaking ill about us to other people, telling things that we hadn’t discussed telling, then come back and tell us these things didn’t happen, and feign that her feelings were hurt when we confessed one day that we just didn’t trust her because we could SENSE the lies…no I’m still put out with all that. She’d be honest with everyone else that she didn’t know but she’d lie to the people she was supposed to be trying to be with… and it seems she’s doing the same with this next dude as well… I’m not as angry, but I’m not over it and I’m not ready to put my heart into it yet)
But if we ever do it again — again, this is what we’ll be seeking.
Stay tuned!
Blessings!
We had to break it off with the sister we were courting. It was a 10-month relationship, when it was good it was great, when it wasn’t it was bad. At the END of the DAY she wasn’t suited to us. She couldn’t understand the way our household ran. Couldn’t do what a wife, in OUR house, is expected to do (we did a trial-run, where she and her younger children lived with us for 60 days, to see how it would work out). She equated being submissive to feigning 100% agreement with him, but then walking off not TRULY agreeing, and sometimes to the extent of tearing him down behind his back, or simply not doing something he’d asked her to do. I’m submissive — YES — but I’m not stupid. If something he wants doesn’t make sense to me, I speak up. If I wholeheartedly do not agree with his stance, I tell him. I do this, because we need to TRULY be on one accord in regards to the directions of this family, and in addressing situations this family goes into. I advised HER to do the same, because TRULY, if you do not COMPLETELY agree with what he’s telling you to do, then you are PROBABLY not a good fit.
She says she learned alot from the situation and I certainly hope she did. We learned some things, too. And initially we walked off with at least our friendships still intact.
The Breaking Up of Us actually revealed alot of other things about her, and to some extent, she is not to be blamed. Not REALLY. We are all products of our environments. And when you’re not taught better, you can’t do better, and while sometimes HOW to do better is RIGHT THERE, under your NOSE, you can’t see it because of who you are and how you are.
She lied. She did alot of lying. And she knows it. The way she is, she lies to preserve herself. How we individuals deal with problems goes back to our childhoods — we learn how to handle issues around age 6 or 7, regardless of right or wrong, and we deal with them in this way all the way into our adulthood. We continue in this way, until we are made to recognize that this is a pattern at which point we have the choice to change it. That is very difficult; most will choose to continue the way they always have. And deal with situations the same way they always have dealt with them.
(I’d like to say now, that REALLY, once you’re an adult, you are ultimately responsible for your own issues and can’t fully use the excuse of “it’s the way I was brought up” or “I had a horrible childhood” or “that’s the way we are, where I’m from”. NO EXCUSE. We understand, yes, and we get it — but there’s no true excuse…)
When we were initially hit in the face with her lies, it was about something that happened after our break up. It affected our friendship with her, and truly broke it down. It’s done; we can’t be friends with someone that does friends that way. Feelings were hurt, betrayal was felt. Anger, too. But what compounds that is the revelation of how many things she lied about during the relationship. Stuff that, when you want to be in a relationship with someone, you should tell them, yes. It may be bad, you may have made a mistake, but you have to tell them and allow them to handle the mistake in whatever way they plan to handle it. It’s not up to you to not tell them — you take the choice away from them, when you do that. Not cool.
Other things we have learned about ourselves is something I’ll probably have to put in another post. Alot of people who know of the situation have chosen sides — but the people that REALLY know what happened are the three of us. No one knows her, and no one knows us. But WE THREE, *we* know each other well enough. People are thinking that we had a problem with the break up, but as I’ve expressed here (and to them as well, but they refuse to listen…hard of hearing much? a-heh) the problem wasn’t the break up. We were on VERY amicable terms afterward, we were still talking on the phone, almost every day.
Anyway, people have asked us to mediate and I don’t do that for people I have no intentions on keeping in my life to some degree. I have 3 best friends. THREE. And I have a circle that extends out from THEM, people that I do love and who love me and like me. If WE have a falling out, I will accept mediation on that. Other than THEM, I have no interest in doing that for anyone else. I am happy with who I am and how I am and no matter how it hurts to have to lose this person (because of THEIR mistakes, not mine. I was NOTHING but a friend), I am glad the loss was sooner than later. I am happy where we are, now. I wish her well, I pray for her and her children, and We will move forward — upward and onward, unto the next life.
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