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Here are some things we’ve realized about ourselves in this recent situation —
We can’t relate to the single people out there. We didn’t realize we were so very different but our entire lives have been different — we got married in our early twenties. We have no idea what it’s like, really, to be grown and single. All of my children are his children and all of his children are my children — there are no baby mamas or baby daddies in our lives. We don’t know what that’s like, to have some adult outside of your household that has a level of say over what the children can and cannot do.
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you are constantly checked. You have to either curb or get rid of your bad habits — because there’s always someone else that your habits could hurt or hinder. The way we are is very conservative when it comes to how we relate to each other. I don’t go places he doesn’t want me to go and I don’t do things he doesn’t want me to do, and visa versa. Everything he or I do is within the best interest of our family. When you’re single, the only person you have is you. The only person to bounce choices off of, ultimately, is you. You’re the person you hurt, when you choose to do this or that. Even after having babies — the only right or wrong they know is what you tell them is right or wrong. Our kids have me and their father. With us, if I’m wrong toward the kids, he will check me on it. If he’s wrong toward the kids, I will check him on it. The kids, therefore, have a larger understanding of what’s right and wrong.
From what I can see, the women that I know that have been single for their entire 20s, who may or may not have children, often they remind me of ME — back when I was 21/22. It’s as if they have never had to curb anything bad about them, any little laziness or negativeness about them, and it’s been there, unchecked and so now it’s wild and out of control. The mistakes they seem to make in relationships are mistake I was making before I met my husband. It’s why their relationships don’t last, or they’ve never been chosen as a wife. Seems to me there’s a level of “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” running around here…
Something else we learned is there is a class system and it IS in place. Well really — that’s something I moreso learned. My entire life, being that I’m not like anyone I grew up with, I was bullied. I was told things like “You think you better than us” and “You think you all that” all the time. This made me sad because No, no, I didn’t think I was better than anyone. And so I would try to convince the world that I’m not better than anyone. We are all alike — no one is better and no one is worse, no matter where anyone is from.
But I was always embraced by a certain type of person, and always picked on by a certain type of person. And, after this experience, I think I’ve gotten clear as to why — there IS a class system. Some people TRULY ARE better than another type of person, and their actions WILL show it. It’s almost not enough to be a “nice” person and a “good” person, because a person’s upbringing and environment can mold what the definitions of these types of people are. (I know people don’t like hearing it and I don’t like SAYING it, as it’s still shocking to me that this is true. ALL MY LIFE I have insisted that we’re all the same)
The sister we courted told us (and others) that she’d never seen a wife like me. All the wives she knew were cheating on their husbands or were otherwise “ratchet” (ratchet is a slang word that is originating from mispronunciation of the word “wretched”… FYI…let’s continue). She said she didn’t know HOW to be a wife…
Once she did what she did to us, after we’d broken up, and yet remained friends, I was rather brokenhearted over the whole situation. That’s when I had an epiphany — she is one type of person and we are another type. Two different classes. We took her from one level, and wanted her to be able to adjust to another level.
She couldn’t.
How often is this the case, I wonder?
And when I look into my past, those people who were picking on me… I get it, now. It was unusual at my school for someone to leave the country in the summer (I was 9, we went to Jamaica). It was unusual at my school for someone to dress the way I dressed (not my fault — I wasn’t picking out my clothes in elementary school and my mom kept going to this place that used to be around called Chocolate Soup, where you could get, like, high-end clothing), It was unusual at my school, for you to make straight A’s all the time. It was WEIRD for you to speak how I spoke.
…I should have gone to a better school. I wasn’t with anyone who was like me. THAT’s what the problem was.
Again — we probably won’t court anymore. My husband is not interested in younger women, and we don’t want to deal with the baby-daddy situations (no man will have say over our household but my husband). But a childless woman may want children and he’s not interested in having any more…
If he finds someone that fits his needs I’ll be all for it. But alot of these women seem to have screws loose and we have no interest in trying to help them tighten those screws.
He says he put aside many of his wants for this situation and that he’ll never do that again. I agree — never again.
We had to break it off with the sister we were courting. It was a 10-month relationship, when it was good it was great, when it wasn’t it was bad. At the END of the DAY she wasn’t suited to us. She couldn’t understand the way our household ran. Couldn’t do what a wife, in OUR house, is expected to do (we did a trial-run, where she and her younger children lived with us for 60 days, to see how it would work out). She equated being submissive to feigning 100% agreement with him, but then walking off not TRULY agreeing, and sometimes to the extent of tearing him down behind his back, or simply not doing something he’d asked her to do. I’m submissive — YES — but I’m not stupid. If something he wants doesn’t make sense to me, I speak up. If I wholeheartedly do not agree with his stance, I tell him. I do this, because we need to TRULY be on one accord in regards to the directions of this family, and in addressing situations this family goes into. I advised HER to do the same, because TRULY, if you do not COMPLETELY agree with what he’s telling you to do, then you are PROBABLY not a good fit.
She says she learned alot from the situation and I certainly hope she did. We learned some things, too. And initially we walked off with at least our friendships still intact.
The Breaking Up of Us actually revealed alot of other things about her, and to some extent, she is not to be blamed. Not REALLY. We are all products of our environments. And when you’re not taught better, you can’t do better, and while sometimes HOW to do better is RIGHT THERE, under your NOSE, you can’t see it because of who you are and how you are.
She lied. She did alot of lying. And she knows it. The way she is, she lies to preserve herself. How we individuals deal with problems goes back to our childhoods — we learn how to handle issues around age 6 or 7, regardless of right or wrong, and we deal with them in this way all the way into our adulthood. We continue in this way, until we are made to recognize that this is a pattern at which point we have the choice to change it. That is very difficult; most will choose to continue the way they always have. And deal with situations the same way they always have dealt with them.
(I’d like to say now, that REALLY, once you’re an adult, you are ultimately responsible for your own issues and can’t fully use the excuse of “it’s the way I was brought up” or “I had a horrible childhood” or “that’s the way we are, where I’m from”. NO EXCUSE. We understand, yes, and we get it — but there’s no true excuse…)
When we were initially hit in the face with her lies, it was about something that happened after our break up. It affected our friendship with her, and truly broke it down. It’s done; we can’t be friends with someone that does friends that way. Feelings were hurt, betrayal was felt. Anger, too. But what compounds that is the revelation of how many things she lied about during the relationship. Stuff that, when you want to be in a relationship with someone, you should tell them, yes. It may be bad, you may have made a mistake, but you have to tell them and allow them to handle the mistake in whatever way they plan to handle it. It’s not up to you to not tell them — you take the choice away from them, when you do that. Not cool.
Other things we have learned about ourselves is something I’ll probably have to put in another post. Alot of people who know of the situation have chosen sides — but the people that REALLY know what happened are the three of us. No one knows her, and no one knows us. But WE THREE, *we* know each other well enough. People are thinking that we had a problem with the break up, but as I’ve expressed here (and to them as well, but they refuse to listen…hard of hearing much? a-heh) the problem wasn’t the break up. We were on VERY amicable terms afterward, we were still talking on the phone, almost every day.
Anyway, people have asked us to mediate and I don’t do that for people I have no intentions on keeping in my life to some degree. I have 3 best friends. THREE. And I have a circle that extends out from THEM, people that I do love and who love me and like me. If WE have a falling out, I will accept mediation on that. Other than THEM, I have no interest in doing that for anyone else. I am happy with who I am and how I am and no matter how it hurts to have to lose this person (because of THEIR mistakes, not mine. I was NOTHING but a friend), I am glad the loss was sooner than later. I am happy where we are, now. I wish her well, I pray for her and her children, and We will move forward — upward and onward, unto the next life.
It’d be great if we could all live like these people!! But can we get along with others? Can people be HONEST with who is a worthy “leader” and who is not (because all types of communities end up with some obvious leaders and SOMETIMES those leaders are chosen by what’s POPULAR not by who’s the RIGHT one)?
http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2012/11/polygamists-in-the-rock/100406/
WHAT an experience!
It’s going well SO far.
It’s long distance; she’s out of state.
We all get along really well; we ‘skype’, or whatever — video phone lol. We talk to her ALL DAY long if we’re not texting we’re messaging if we’re not messaging we’re on the phone if we’re not on the phone we’re on the video chat if none of that is going on we’re talking about her. Making considerations and plans for the future…
If it doesn’t work…well. At least…we’ve made a friend??
Stay tuned…
Just because you don’t believe in The Most High doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist. It doesn’t mean He’s not there.
He doesn’t NEED you to believe in Him. He is NOT Tinkerbelle; if you yell “I don’t believe in god!”doesn’t make him fall down coughing to the floor, and die.
He’s STILL there, even if you don’t acknowledge Him.
He’s STILL there, even if you don’t talk to Him.
He’s STILL there, even if you teach your children He doesn’t exist.
He will STILL BE HERE, at the end of all things.
Why do people take it that science means, therefore, that The Most High does not exist?
When I see science, I see it as an explanation FOR what The Most High has done in the universe.
Deuteronomy 29: 29 “Things which are hidden belong to YHWH our Elohim. But the things that have been revealed belong to us and our children forever, so that we can observe all the words of this Torah.”
Believers should not be afraid of science, they should instead embrace science in this same manner. Because there are some things that mankind is simply not gonna be able to figure out – like how to put life into a human being. ALL SCIENCE KNOWS is that there is some kind of an electric spark. They can put a sperm into an egg, but they cannot cause that new thing to start its cell division from which all life begins. No; that’s a hidden thing. It belongs to YHWH.
They know what water is made of – two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen – but when they put the elements together on their own, they can’t get them to “make water”. They have no idea what it is that fuses said elements together and makes the residual called water!
They can’t duplicate it.
Don’t be afraid of science; some people use it for evil but that doesn’t mean it, in and of itself is evil. When it’s used for good, it’s really, really good.
Alright I’m done I just needed to say that.
Y’all I just made something. The design is not big and grandiose and crazy but I don’t like those kinds of things. Seems like stuff people wouldn’t have a problem wearing that can encompass all of us, y’know?? Enjoy.
Also my husband did a video for me! I begged and I begged and I begged for him to speak to the husbands, and he took his time and typed up what he would say were the characteristics for a husband to have if he’s going to be polygynous. 🙂 This video was created at MIDNIGHT, we had to get up at 5:30a as we do every morning minus Shabbatot, and he was just VERY dedicated to getting it done. He reviewed it while I passed out on the bed lol because we were EXHAUSTED.
So give him praise and accolades for his efforts and hope you enjoy —
Brother Polight once again invites us into his family via the web! I am liking them more and more —
The title of this one is misleading — it is really a street interview from various men and women concerning polygyny and relationships.
Akh/Brother Hondo brings the knowledge, yet again!
Here’s today’s video!
I’m on bedrest (self imposed; my pressure up) and so here I am, in my bed, talking about something that’s really been bothering me —
The MEDIA has a habit of putting polygyny’s sexual abuse cases and domestic violence cases to the forefront, and use it as a “reason” to be against polygyny.
This video is a little over 5 minutes’ long.
In it, I show you how sexual abuse is a problem ALL OVER OUR COUNTRY and that the FLDS communities are just a picture of what’s going on within all of our cities and neighborhoods. If it wasn’t, if it was so rare, we wouldn’t need a sex offender registry.
Same goes with Domestic Abuse.
All you gotta do is look at the numbers — the numbers in these polygynous communities IS THE SAME. It’s no different.
So let’s throw THAT argument in the trash. 🙂
So this guy right here has been off my radar because I did it on purpose. His moniker irritated me and made me think he was frivolous.
But APPARENTLY I was WRONG, he is very very deep.
Here he is discussing my favorite subjects — polygyny and homeschooling lol.
At this time I am happy to have “met” him, inasmuch as you can meet someone’s videos on youtube and facebook.
What is concubinage?
Back in the day my only understanding of concubine was essentially a slave wife.
Many of us have been discussing this type of wife and how she is in our society today and the conclusion (so far) that has been made is that she is a woman that is otherwise not worthy of being a full wife, or not worthy of getting the benefits of a full wife.
She’s perhaps not very smart, perhaps she’s been promiscuous, or not the same belief system, or perhaps she doesn’t do wifely duties very well. Perhaps she wants her independence (like “Strong, Independent, BLACK woman” as the songs always tell her she is) but she still wants this man. Or he still wants her. In any sense, therefore she is not wife material.
That’s not a good state to be in, in my opinion, and really, in the opinion of MANY of the sisters I know.
The sisters I know, they all want to be wives (if they aren’t wives already). One sister is concerned that she will only be in concubine status because she has children from a previous relationship (she is divorced).
But after reading her posts and seeing her intelligence and her heart, many of us existing wives consider her a valuable asset to any family she joins. It’s just that certain brothers that consider themselves righteous are looking down on her because of these things.
She doesn’t want to be a concubine and I don’t know any women that are pro polygyny that want to be concubines.
I know some Hebrew Israelite brothers that sleep with a woman who is not Hebrew, and THEN tell her “You’re my concubine”, thereby devastating her. It’s like a trick they’re pulling. Sleep with her. Then pull this “I own you” type stuff.
NOT cool and doesn’t seem righteous to me.
A righteous man does NOT mistreat his women and does not trick women.
I”m kind of blabbering here.
If a woman is not wife material, simply don’t have sex with her. Make her wife material. Or make her a wife and then work on her but heavens I have yet to meet a woman that’s happy with concubine status.
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