(“WHAT in the WORLD?!?” I hear you saying. This is my disclaimer — our family will only have black people in it)
Sometimes the question comes up in polygynous circles “What if a man has wives of different races?” Can this work?
I don’t think it can work very often. I think the idea of it working is very slim. I know of ONE family, in the UK, off in the country, that is interracial (one wife is white/European and the other wife is bi-racial/black) and they are doing well. They’ve been together probably 7 years, maybe 8.
But the UK and their race relations is often not as disparaging and oppressing as what goes on here in the US.
The fear of most black women is that their black husband has some sort of “white girl fetish”, and therefore will not be able to treat both of his wives fairly because of his obsession. That is probably the fear of a white woman with her white husband, in the other direction.
We, as black women, know how some black men are just sooo in love with the idea of having a white woman. It’s not about him liking her because of who she is and the “content” of her “character”, as MLK Jr. said. It’s about her being WHITE. They like her white skin, her straight hair, her thin facial features, and it MAY be because of what the American media puts forward as the majority opinion of beauty. Because of that fetish (which is a SICKNESS — ALL fetishes are an illness, no matter how “innocent” it seems), it’s hard to see where he will be able to treat both of his wives with the same level of fairness.
PLUS, black people, we have alot of issues that are ignored/not addressed in America. There are things the typical white person will understand. And I know there are interracial couples where the black person just shrugs and says “He/she doesn’t understand, but it’s not something I try to explain. Let’s just ignore the issues for the sake of love”. But now you’ve got one more person in the relationship, which makes it harder to ignore.
If a black man has two wives, one black and one white, and a racial discussion ensues — will the man take the black woman’s side because of racial loyalty, or will he take the white woman’s side, so as to not have her feel bad and left out? Which side is the “right” side to take?
Just adding extra confusion (racial issues) onto something that’s already extra (polygyny), onto something that’s already confusing (a relationship) in the first place.
And what about CHILDREN. You know how black people are — light-skinned/biracial children are often called “pretty” far more often in relation to darker-skinned/not-mixed children. How does one deal with that??
I’m not 100% opposed to giving it a try, but these are the reasons that the idea is a no-go to me, in this country.
(Again my husband does not see white women as attractive. So I dont think it’d ever be an issue in our house.)
…what do you think?
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April 15, 2014 at 3:16 pm
norfolkfiona
My first husband is arab, my second husband is white. We live in the UK. I can tell you, there is racism over here too, sad to say. Nowadays, I’d say racism against arabs is even worse than racism against blacks. My husband’s mother is English, so he’s rather light and his features are sort of European, but you can still see that he is of arab origin. We get the odd comment once in a while too, me being very white, aspirin white actually with flaming red hair :). Do I treat them differently because of race? Actually, I don’t think so. I do treat them differently but I believe it’s because they are so differently disposed. But my first husband’s cultural background makes him treat me in an other way, and I suppose that affects the way I treat him back. With my English husband, equality is a given. With my arab husband, it’s a struggle 😉
April 17, 2014 at 9:57 am
Dr3@MGYRL360
I hear what you’re saying. But race relations in America differ from what goes on in the UK. There is a certain segment of black people that value lighter skin/whiter skin over black skin. It’s VERY prominent, so for a black man to have a black wife and a white wife, there’s major fear there. Their love for white women is fetish-level — and all fetishes are a level of mental illness. There MAY be a black man that doesn’t feel that way, where it would be okay for his wives and he would treat them equally (equal doesnt mean same, it means that he loves them BOTH the same but, like you, interacts with them according to their personalities).
Same thing with white men here — white men will have a white wife and get a black woman and the reason he has her has nothing to do with her personality — he has an obsession with black women.
So we have to look out.
Like I said in the blog, the ONLY family I know where wives are different races is in the UK, lol. You just proved it again lol.
Thanks for reading and I wish you well!
April 17, 2014 at 12:04 pm
norfolkfiona
Love reading your story. I so understand the frustration with being manipulated. Wish you all the best!