arranged marriage

Wikipedia definition: Arranged marriage is a type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other. It was common worldwide until the 18th century.
In a society where divorces and affairs are common strains in life —
— where people are left to choose their own spouses for themselves, for “love” and “romance” —
— where people fail to do their due diligence, and investigate the person, their family, their pasts, their childhood, etc —
— sometimes we look at other societies where arranged marriages are common, and we wonder — would it be better if we did it that way?

I think arranged marriages should have their place among us.
Now — allow me to post a disclaimer — I don’t believe in forcing anything upon anyone. So no, I don’t believe in forcing people to marry. But I do believe that parents (and elders, and older family members and friends) should be able to look at an individual and assess who would be a good match for that person.

I remember, years ago, watching a documentary on arranged marriages around the world. One couple, in particular, was from a lower caste system in India. They’d been chosen for one another in childhood — maybe about age 7 or 8, and had mostly been kept from knowing or even seeing one another, until the time came for them to be married.
They were able to see each other on the day of their wedding. In the excitement, the documentary asked the young groom how he was feeling about his bride-to-be. He said, in essence “I don’t know her, but I love her. I love her, because she will be my wife. So I love her already.” He had a big smile on his face and hope in his eyes. And from that moment on, I concluded that for many of us, arranged marriage should be allowed.

Some of us don’t like our parents (and some of us, our parents don’t like us). We don’t like their ways and so we don’t want them choosing our mates. And that’s fine. I fully believe a person should be able to decline a marriage offer if they see fit — and no harm should come of it for anyone.

But for me, I mostly trust my parents, and when I was late teens-early twenties, I fully trusted them because for the most part, I was following their path, and I rarely disagreed with anything they were.

My mother had a man chosen for me — a young, black, mainstream Christian pastor. A rising star in the firmament. My mother was always good at knowing what men were best for me, even when I was dating. If she didn’t like a guy, I would drop him quickly.
She was always right about them, it would turn out. 

Had I not met my husband one day, living thousands of miles away from home, I would have given in and married the man she’d chosen. I would not have been unhappy. But it would not be the life I have now.
I’d be a super-Christian, a model first-wife, a corporate powerhouse, with children who were more than likely excelling at some school somewhere. I’d have a PERM, lol, I’d have some luxury vehicle (A Lexus, Benz, BMW), a tailored church-suit/business-suit wardrobe, heeled shoes that were not too high or too low. My nails would be done every two weeks.
I’d probably be a pastor, myself.

But I met my husband.
And I liked him.
And my parents liked him, too.
So that possible, “okay” reality went out the window, because I happened to stumble upon my husband on my own. Which, in my opinion, was pure Yahweh — pure kismet, pure The Universe doing what IT wants with you, whether or not that was your intent.
And when I compare the two realities, I like this one better. Of course.
My mind is freer and personally I feel “larger” and “more grand” than I would be, had I not chosen to respond to that young man that day in the snow.
To me, today — that other, “okay” life — is REALLY a life of pretentiousness…

I plan to do a level of arranged marriage with our children — I want them to meet people that are similar to them — have similar lifestyles and backgrounds, hopefully from happily married households where the children see both husband and wife/wives, father and mother/mothers and how they relate to each other. I want them to meet young people from families that don’t eat pork, or don’t eat meat.
I plan to mold them into good mates, and to guide them on how to choose a good mate (because, as I said, the final choice will be up to them).

 

I don’t hang very close with people who are bitter on relationships.
I don’t hang close with women that say things like “men ain’t shit”, “all men cheat”, and it’s been forever since I’ve heard the damning sentence “I don’t need a man!” From anyone in my large and loose circle of friends and associates.
I don’t care to have men in my circle that think all women or all black women are the same.
I don’t care for Sotomayor supporters.
All these people are bitter.
And personally, I don’t work like that.
I don’t write off an entire group/genre of people on the actions of specific individuals.
I’ve seen some black men do the worst — cheating, beating women, not being heads of households, not keeping jobs, not taking care of outside children, etc.
But I don’t paint all black men with that brush. Because I know not all black men do these things.
Why can’t other people take on this frame of thought?
You can’t say people are all the same.

It seems to me that alot of people on the internet exaggerate what they have going on, and then when you meet them in person and get to know them, you find out that they don’t have MUCH of ANY of that shit going on that they say they do. It’s a let-down. Because I’m not an exaggerator. I know people THINK I MIGHT be an exaggerator, but in MY particular case, people put their thoughts on ME on what they THINK I have. Example — they hear I have a two-story house and in their minds they see their view of a two-story house (imagine a perfect tv-show house with a red door and white shutters…grey-blue brick…), then they come and see my house and it’s not what they imagined in their heads. That has nothing to do with me. I’m HAPPY with my house, it’s in a good,quaint little neighborhood, it’s kept us nearly a decade, it’s brick and is warm on cold days and cool on warm days because of it, the yard is big both front and back,  large enough for me to legally keep sheep or goats or chickens (…I researched it…because sometimes we have a sheep, goat, or some chickens). It’s got four bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and a 2-car garage. I like the lay-out and if I move out of the country I already asked my husband to pretty much keep the same layout (with a few changes) because that’s how much I like it.
They hear we have a couple of cars, and we do — but they put what kind of cars THEY want me to have — Lexus? BMW? Benz? What they don’t know is none of those cars interest me because of the size of their car note — I want good-running, long-lasting vehicles that don’t cost me more than $350/mo. Our cars were paid off years ago and we are not the types to jump into another car(note) after we’ve paid off a car. No — I don’t like to part with my money so easily.
They hear we have a store, and we do — and I don’t really know how they feel about the store. My CUSTOMERS love our store, though — they love the ambiance, they love how organized it is, and how they can see (and find!) what they’re looking for, instead of it being cluttered and overstocked.
They hear we travel, and we do — or at least we were when we didn’t have the business (having a new, successful business is like having a new baby — it needs you to be there every step of the way, until it can fully stand on it’s own without your watchful eyes). We’ve been to many places — and NO, we didn’t have a hook up on anything. We didn’t “know somebody” on the inside that got us a good deal. We didn’t take out a loan for it, and we didn’t pop it on any credit card. We planned it, and when we saw we had the money for it, we paid for it.
It’s just that — there are all these people…who say they doing all this stuff…and they have all this stuff…and you get over there, or you meet them in person and it’s like — what happened to all the stuff you said you had or were doing?? (Que T.I. — “Where dey at doe?”)
I don’t understand.
Is it that important to you for people to see you as more than what you are?
You’re not embarrassed about what happens when people actually meet you?? (read: major disappointments)
If you didn’t care what people thought about you and yours, wouldn’t you just tell the truth about what you have?
…I just don’t get it.

I was reminded this past weekend that I don’t like shopping for clothes. Such a stressful experience! I was with family members — and it’s nothing personal — but I don’t get what other women get out of shopping. I like to get stuff, pay for it, and leave. I’m just… not a shopper… I guess that’s why if I find a shirt that I like, I just buy it in every color, and if I find jeans I like, I buy 2 or 3 pair in different shades, and when I find a skirt or shorts that I wear, I do the same. I have UNIFORMS, y’all. Even without the business, I had a UNIFORM — long skirt/jeans/shorts, and a tank-top/t-shirt with a humorous, smart alecky statement on it (“I Have Issues”, “Look but don’t TOUCH”, “Fangtasia”, etc). I shop ONLY when absolutely necessary. So that’s maybe twice a year, lol.

…obviously I ain’t want nothing, just came here to say these things.

Peace

https://youtu.be/JI0pDZMgphs


He starts to talk about his life with his women at about 2:40.

People look at us, still being monogamous and they wonder what’s wrong with us.
We seem to be a nice couple — a nice family, happy, doing what we need to do financially, and achieving goals and whatnot.
But since it’s still just us two, they often wonder…
Meanwhile other people — families and single women — are cycling through a series of other people, and are more often than not finding out that they aren’t compatible…and they move on to the next person or family… a version of serial-polygamy, if you will.
There are a few reasons why we’re still monogamous and not polygynous, the main one being we’re not desperate for another woman to join our family.
We are not broken. There is nothing wrong. We like each other, and we are happy. We don’t “need” anyone to come in with us to fix anything. Our children are thriving and happy and they love us and we love them.
My husband marrying another woman would simply be another tier on an already well-done and tasty cake.
Being that we don’t “need” it, we can take our time and REALLY look at people and consider of what benefit it would be for her to join our family (benefits for her and for us).
So we just take our time and try to figure it out.
It’s why we’ve only had two real life, face to face courting experiences.

Here’s what families need to understand and accept — you might not EVER find someone to join your family on a permanent basis. There are MANY reasons we could look at — our society right now frowns on polygamous relationships, people WANT to do it, but are hiding for fear of what people (friends and family, employers and coworkers, church members, whatever) are going to say. People who are born and raised in the Western world are on the whole not ready for polygyny.  And why would you expect any different? All we’ve ever been shown is monogamy as the ONLY marital option (leaving those of us who aren’t into it feeling like we’re not normal). Women, if their man has another woman, have been programmed to react with jealousy, whether or not we’re fully aware of the other woman.
We are taught that a person can ONLY love one person at a time. 
We are taught that a person having more than one “romantic” relationship at a time is a cheater, an adulterer, a player…a pimp.
Those of us who have abandoned what we’ve been taught have had to deprogram ourselves — and it’s not easy. It’s not the same for everyone. And not everyone’s at the same position on this path.
We know there’s a shortage of (viable, black) men when it comes to (viable, black) women. But simply put — not everyone is for this lifestyle. Not everyone’s going to do it, number one, and number two, those that are WILLING to do it are simply not equipped.
So, many of us will never find anyone.
Those of us who are desperate will find someone, then when that’s messed up, we’ll find someone else, then we’ll find another person, and another and so on and so forth — basically whoring out our entire family, trying to find the one that “fits”.
There may not be anyone that “fits”.
And you gotta be okay with that, and not open up your family to any and all kinds of women.
Be FINE with “just” you two.
Be OKAY with “just y’all”.
If she’s coming, she’s coming.

If you’re NOT fine, then trust me when I say, adding someone else to “WHATEVER” is going on over there is NOT going to make it better. It’s going to compound it, exacerbate it, irritate it, etc etc…
Don’t further break yourselves by bringing someone else in, and subsequently hurting them, as well.

(because y’all have no idea how these breakups hurt EVERYONE…)

I grew up in a home with my mother and father married. My sister was in her mid-to-late teens when I was born, and when I was fully cognizant, she’d moved away to live her life. So I grew up an only child, for the most part.
My parents were pro-black people — they never bought me dolls that weren’t black, they taught me that black was beautiful. I wore out my brown crayon in coloring books.
The light-skinned/dark-skinned thing never came up in my house. My father is lighter-skinned (he’d deny this). My mother is darker-skinned. My sister has my mother’s skin tone; I have my father’s. No one ever mentioned it. Same thing with hair — I think all of our hair is a common, kinky, “African” texture.
My parents rarely argued in front of me. I only remember one major argument they had, and I can’t remember what it was about. But it embarrassed them for a long time because I brought it up over and over, as a child.
We lived in an apartment up until I was 5 or 6. They’d build a neighborhood of houses near these apartments, and it seems like almost everyone from those apartments moved to those houses — and if they couldn’t afford that, they moved to some better apartments within walking distance of the houses. We all went to the same elementary school (which was NOT close). It was named after that black astronaut that went up on the Challenger space shuttle and it exploded before it left earth’s atmosphere…
We were outside children — we played outside all day long, all year long, and especially in the summer. During the summer I’d get so tan I’d be a purplish-dark brown color — it was amazing. I wore braids pretty much all year — like, extension braids, cornrowed extensions. This was the mid-to-late eighties, when people weren’t really wearing braids in Dallas, and they called it weave if you added hair to it. And people were NOT supposed to wear weaves in Dallas back then.
So I’d get picked on for that.
I also got picked on because I don’t have the accent other people in the area have — my parents are from two small country towns in Texas that are nowhere near Dallas. So to Dallas people, I “sound white”.
Then my name — a “white girl’s name. I wished for a long time that  my name had been Lakiesha or Latasha or Shamika or Tamika or something. Because people called me Becky and Becca and Reba McIntyre, lol, and Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, lol. SMH
My mother bought my clothes at a higher-end consignment shop. So my clothes were name-brand — yes — but they didn’t look anything like what other kids in my neighborhood was wearing.
There was alot of mistreatment of me OUTSIDE of my parents’ house. At home, there was love, goodness, kindness, sweetness…there was intellect, consciousness. My parents discussed politics and had views and opinions on important things. I played quietly, on the floor by myself, while they and my sister discussed or debated big things. So I learned alot by just being there. I absorbed what they said.
My mother was full of sweet smells, hugs, cuddles and kisses. She was feminine and girly, but was still heading forward in her career field — computers. She always told me she loved me, and even when she was working late, and I couldn’t see her most days, she’d call me an hour before bedtime and we’d talk about everything…
My father would talk to me, answer my questions — when I was real little he’d let me sit on his back while he watched football or boxing, or he’d zone out on tv while I put barrettes in his hair, lol. He’s a disabled vet, and was in his late 30s when I was born, so wasn’t any running around with the ball with me. But my dad would cook, he’d read to me, help me with my homework. He read Robin Hood to me, multiple times, and a book called ‘Just So Stories’…
So when I’d go out of their house, and into the world — I was different. And I’d get picked on.
We took vacations, we went down to San Antonio a lot. Most of my extended family lives there. We went to Florida to visit my sister, we went to Los Angeles — again, to visit my sister, lol (she’s an actress, singer and dancer, and was often on tour somewhere). We went to JAMAICA.
Kids in my neighborhood weren’t doing these things.
So when I’d go out of my family, and into the world — I was different. And I’d get picked on. lol
I met a girl at age 3, who laughed at everything I said. (“Yer funnie,” she’d say. “No I’m NOT!” I’d respond, angrily) We met in preschool. Our parents realized we were great friends and we started spending the night at each other’s houses. When we went to school, she went to a private school, and I went to public school, but we were still best friends. Around 2nd grade I started meeting HER school friends, who became MY friends, as well.
None of us were the same, but we got along well.
We didn’t even live in the same neighborhood. And I have to say — the neighborhood kids, we all got along okay. We’d fight, and be friends again after a while. They were people you couldn’t get away from — I’d known them all from age 3 on, as well.
We’d play huge games, like “War”, where it’d be 20 kids of varying ages, spending the entire day split up into teams whose headquarters were on opposite ends of the neighborhood — we’d kidnap each other all day long and scream and run and fight and before the streetlights came on, we’d determine who’d won. The kids from the apartments would come over and be involved in the games as well.
At 11/12 — 6th grade — we moved out of that neighborhood to an older, but better, more established area.
It was time for middle school — me moving guaranteed that I would not be going to middle school with the kids I’d grown up with. I was OKAY with that — the middle school Id’ be going to was an “academy” — meaning it was more about academics than anything else.
So I was excited — I often tested off the charts in my subjects.
Went over there — and those people — were so MEAN — and EVIL — and WICKED —
…I should have gone to the other middle school.
Middle school was horrible. Rumors spread about me, by popular girls who I shouldn’t have EVEN been on their radar.
But I was.
I won’t go into it all — I think I have before, somewhere on this blog.
But I Don’t want to. Fuck those bitches, these are happy memories. lol
But in middle school, I met my last two besties (one of which is still a bestie) — and I think that was the end of my friend-making period in my life, really.

My point: I had a good childhood. It had it’s imperfection here and there. But in my parents’ house, it was great.
I THANK them for creating a happy, peaceful, orderly place for me to grow up in love.

wife
/wīf/
noun
noun: wife; plural noun: wives
  1. a married woman considered in relation to her spouse.

In Hebrew, the word “isha/ishah” means both woman and wife, interchangeably.

con·cu·bine
/ˈkäNGkyəˌbīn/

noun

historical
noun: concubine; plural noun: concubines
  1. (in polygamous societies) a woman who lives with a man but has lower status than his wife or wives.

Pilegesh (Hebrew: פילגש‎) is a Hebrew term for a concubine with similar social and legal standing to a recognized wife, often for the purpose of producing offspring.

Zonah(Hebrew:זונה) is a Hebrew term for a prostitute. (there is a female AND male pronunciation — FYI)

Often, Hebrew Israelite women and men are in a battle over concubinage. Men are quick to say that a woman’s virginity is a factor as to whether or not she is a wife or a concubine. The women are made to feel shame for any past they may have; it seems that there is no area for repentance and teshuvah in this topic.
Many who are Hebrew Israelites now were not always awake to who they were. They were born and raised Christian or something else. They lived their lives however they saw fit , and then found out they were Hebrew. Then they turned away from their old ways, striving for righteousness.
But often, a woman is told that, if she is not a virgin when she marries, then she is not a wife — she is a concubine.
When you ask what a concubine is, you may receive a variety of answers — a concubine is a slave-wife, a concubine is a woman who is not a virgin, a concubine is a wife without covenant, a concubine is a girlfriend, a concubine is a woman who has children from another relationship, a concubine is a woman that’s not good enough to be a wife but you still want to bed her.
Whatever the case may be, there is scriptural evidence implying some of these. Others are simply personal opinions of the masses often accepted as fact.

Concubine as a slave-wife: Often in scripture we see a slave girl being taken and lain with, and children are made from that woman. A slave has no choice to consent to or decline to do what is their master’s wish — if a man had a slave girl, and he wanted to lay with her, he could and she would become his concubine. If a woman had a slave girl and she wanted her husband to lay with her, he could and she would become his concubine.
Female slaves were given over to any man to whom her master wished to gift her.
Slavery is not legally done today, so this idea is archaic among us, at best.
(A female slave can become a concubine, but being a concubine does NOT mean you are suddenly a slave! We are all to be dutiful servants of our husbands if we observe the Torah or the Quran, but you are NOT a slave. Even queens were servants to their kings.)
Concubine as a non-virgin: You will hear that a woman who is a non-virgin is only able to receive concubine status with her husband, and not full-wife status (thereby conversely saying that virgins get full-wife status). You will hear many reasons why — some will say if a woman had sex with a man and lost her virginity, then she is THAT man’s wife. The reasoning behind this is because to many Israelites, sex equals marriage. They will pull out verses to support this claim. But they are neglecting other verses on the matter — while sex is needed to complete the marriage “ceremony”, you also need an agreement between parties that this is what you will be to each other, and you need witnesses to the agreement. When a man took an unmarried/unbetrothed Daughter of Israel in a field, he had to pay her father the bride price and basically complete the ceremony. If not, he was seen as having defiled her and messed with her status in society. Sex is not ALL you need to do to be considered a wife.
So think about people’s younger sexual conquests — no, sisters, you are not married to those men if there was no agreement with them that that is what you were doing. No, brethren, you are NOT married to those women if there was no agreement with them that that is what you were doing. (and you know that was not the agreement you had with those people — outside of the righteous Hebraic construct, many things occur and sexual promiscuity is had by both genders.)
Let me point out some non-virginal women in scripture that, when married, were described as wives and not concubines (because scripture is very explicit in titles — what’s there is there and what isn’t there can only be speculated on) —
Ruth (Book of Ruth — widowed; she becomes a wife of Boaz in the end)
Abigail (1 Samuel 25 — widowed; becomes a wife of King David)
Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11)
Bathsheba is a particularly interesting case — while being married to Uriah, Bathsheba committed adultery with King David, which is a sinful act, and became pregnant. Then David had Uriah killed so that he could have Bathsheba as his wife. Never was Bathsheba referred to as his concubine. …and scripture was very clear as to who was concubine and who was not.

Concubine as a wife without covenant:The Babylonian Talmud (the Talmud being a Jewish book that doesn’t hold any one rule for or against anything, and is largely a book of debate and opinion) states that a concubine is a wife without covenant: (from Wikipedia:)”the difference between a pilegesh and a full wife was that the latter received a marriage contract (Hebrew:ketubah) and her marriage (nissu’in) was preceded by a formal betrothal (“kiddushin”), which was not the case with the former. According to R. Judah, however, the pilegesh should also receive a marriage contract, but without including a clause specifying a divorce settlement. (this final line I can agree with — I believe people should understand the nature of their relationship and that things should be clear and concise to the point that it could be written out and both parties would be in agreement on what’s written on that paper)

Concubine as a woman who has children from another relationship: This belief has no foundation in scripture. I can’t find evidence anywhere — a woman who was a widow and had children could be made a full-wife to a man if he wished it.
Kohanim have restrictions on who they can and can’t marry, but not every man is a priest. If you are a Kohan/Cohen, you should be fully aware on your marital restrictions according to Torah, and you should abide by them. A Kohan cannot marry a zonah or a divorced woman (Lev. 21:7) and a kohan gadol (A HIGH priest) cannot marry a widow, a divorced woman, a zonah, a non-Hebrew or converted woman, OR a non-virgin (Lev. 21:13-15). Notice there’s a difference between a priest and a HIGH priest — not every priest is a high priest (the rules in this chapter for the high priest begins at verse 10).

As I mentioned earlier, scripture is very clear on what women were concubines or not. It did not hinge on whether or not that woman was a virgin, it hinges on what that woman’s agreement was with that man. The Most High never frowned on a woman being a wife OR a concubine. And in Hebraic society, being a concubine was NOT seen as a bad thing — she was a wife, she respected and submitted to her man as her husband and her head.
What a woman must do is make sure she understands the relationship she has with her man. I am big on things being clear and concise — I don’t like to be confused as to what we are to each other. I think a woman should request clarity and transparency, and if she agrees with the terms of that relationship, those two are able to do whatever it is they chose per that agreement according to Torah. (of course there are prohibited marriages, but the only one that hinges on a woman’s virginity is that to a Kohan gadol)

KNOW YOUR TORAH IF YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE BY IT, AND YOU WON’T EVER BE DECEIVED.

Dr3@MGYRL360:

Well thought out and put together — the problem of women of color today!!! *please read*

Originally posted on kanilahsjourney:

We all have a predetermined idea of what we think about when we hear the word king. We think of enormous palaces with dozens of rooms & grand eating spaces. We think of an abundance of precious jewels & beautiful garments. Guardsmen, an army, weapons & armour, the list goes on. But above all we think of obedience & loyalty. The king demands respect & going against the king often resulted in great consequences. The degree of punishment varying of ‘course. The king had servants that carried out his every whim, including the queen.

Lets scale this concept down & relate it to marriage today. The saying goes “I’m the king of my castle”, referring to the husband in the home. It’s not on such a grand scale as when we think of a king. There’s usually not acres of land & multiple servants or a huge production of economy…

View original 333 more words

com·mu·ni·ca·tion
kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: communication
  1. 1.
    the imparting or exchanging of information or news.
    “direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding”
    synonyms: transmission, conveyance, divulgence, disclosure; More

    dissemination, promulgation, broadcasting
    “the communication of news”
  2. 2.
    means of connection between people or places, in particular.
    • the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.
      plural noun: communications
      “satellite communications”
    • the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.
      “a city providing excellent road and rail communications”
    • the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.

Origin

hon·est
ˈänəst/
adjective
adjective: honest
  1. 1.
    free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.
    “I haven’t been totally honest with you”
    synonyms: truthful, sincere, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenuous, straight; More

    informalupfront, aboveboard, on the level
    “I haven’t been honest with you”
    antonyms: insincere

adverb

informal
adverb: honest
  1. 1.
    used to persuade someone of the truth of something.
    “you’ll like it when you get there, honest”

Alot of issues in marital relationships would be cleared up if people communicated with each other, and were honest with everyone in that relationship. Sometimes honesty will hurt other people — so honesty that’s going to hurt needs to be done with consideration on whether or not hurting that person is NECESSARY. (Example — unless that person’s weight is going to cause problems in your relationship with them, you may want to withhold the fact that you consider them fat. You don’t have to randomly tell that person they’re fat just because you thought it just now, and it’s the truth. It’s UNNECESSARY to say, and it’s hurtful). If it’s unnecessary, then you don’t say it.

Everything that it’s necessary to be said must be said and communicated. Break downs in communication cause people to think one thing is going on, when someone else is going on that may be altogether different from what that person thinks. If you aren’t communicating, then the situation may not be working.
You must communicate your needs and your wants and your opinions. Even if those things are different than what your spouse/spouses need, want or opine. Unless it’s hurtful and unnecessary, you need to tell them. That way, they know where you stand, they are aware of how you feel and what you want in life. And hey — if it’s not the same as theirs, and if it’s in any way important to any of you, then whatever needs to happen, should happen.
Ignoring what people are communicating to you is faulty. If a person says they don’t like something, like an action,  you need to make note of it.

Communicating and being honest in your communication allows many things to occur — you will be more aware of yourself and your spouse/spouses, and in being aware, you will be more considerate. Things will be more clear and more solid as to where you all stand with each other, and where you are in the relationship. If something has confused you, be clear that you are confused and ask for them to clarify what they have said.

I’m talking about communication because it seems to be real hard for people — alot of relationships I see that have broken up have done so because of major lacks of communication. Also, alot of people play games — they like to say things in a certain way, thereby manipulating what is heard and what is understood, and causing deception to enter the relationship.

What’s hard for the sisters that try to enter our household, is that we are communicators and we are honest. We don’t play games with our words. We WANT to be clear and we want to be understood and anyone that comes into this house, we want THEM to be clear, and we want THEM to be understood.
We have been married going on 11 years and like it or not, this relationship is a success so far. It’s almost not their fault — seems like all American men and women do, is play games on each other…
if your relationships is rife with game-playing, why don’t you two (or three or four) sit down, and really hash it out. There WILL be honesty and it MAY hurt. If there is love there, remember that you love each other, and that you’ll be better for it in the end. And then make a PACT that y’all are NOT enemies, and that you WILL communicate your feelings, your needs, your wants, your opinions, and that you will listen and HEAR the opinions of the others, and that you will be CONSIDERATE of them from this moment on, as you go forth into life together.

…and if you find you’re not as compatible as you thought, or if you find that you just can’t get past something, and THAT causes y’all to be incompatible… then hey, you’re no longer wasting everyone’s time, right??
And you can move forward and on to something that perhaps will be more “FOR” you.

This entry probably was not clear at all. lol And I don’t care. I did my best to convey my thoughts with this entry and I hope that you learned something.

Women have a big problem with submission. Alot of the time they don’t want it brought up; they’re immediately defensive off the bat when the subject is broached.
I keep wondering what the big deal is. I know someone likes to walk around the world and call me “ultra-submissive” (which is funny because on one side that’s what she said, while on the other side, she said my husband was just a working bee and I’m ruling him, lol — so which one is it? Then on the OTHER hand she wants to write me and tell me how much she LEARNED from me on how to deal with the husband she has now…Which one is it, exactly? Which one am I? Whatever MOVING ON I just think it’s funny), but I think people’s ideas on what submission is and what it looks like differs depending on the person.
Here’s how I am — I don’t argue with my husband on petty stuff.
If he has a problem with what I have on, I MAY grumble, yes — but I go and I change what I have on. It’s not a big deal, and I have other clothes. I’d rather be attractive to him (if that’s the reason) than him find me unattractive. And to say I don’t CARE about being attractive to him — then who do I care about being attractive to? (Note: It should either be HIM or YOURSELF but of course it should not matter whether or not people outside of your union find you attractive)
So I don’t care to argue about the little stuff.

When it comes to cooking and cleaning — I was a stay at home mom/housewife for 6 years. The house was my domain. I cooked every meal, more or less. Every day, 3 times a day, for 6 years. Meanwhile my husband went out of the house to work. His work has always been physical work (and I LIKE that — I just don’t like pencil-pushers, cubicle guys. ugh), and he always had long days at work.
I never asked him to help me around the house. There was NO WAY I’d ask, unless I was at my wits’ end and was about to be overwhelmed. But majority of the time, I did not ask him to participate in housework in the house. Still, when he came home, he didn’t just take off his work clothes and sit on the couch with a beer, watching sports. No — when he came home, he got on “men’s” housework — mowing lawns, washing cars, cleaning up the back yard, cutting our sons’ hair, fixing leaks, mending holes, building things for the kids, putting together bikes, changing breaks, changing oil on cars — you name it. He would do it. He’d use up all his daylight hours doing these things.
So yeah, there was NO WAY I was going to ask him to lift a FINGER helping me with my duties as a wife.
That all may look “ultra-submissive” to you, but I just find it rude and insensitive to ask a person that’s been working all day to help in that.

I rarely tell him no on anything he wants. Why should I? The man works hard, makes his money — he should be allowed to do with it whatever he likes. He’s not unreasonable in his wants; why can’t I let him do whatever he wants on that? When he wanted a motorcycle, so many of his friends said their wives had ALWAYS said no to that. Family members TOLD me I should put my foot down and tell him no. Why?? For what??? Because he could DIE?? Well — MAYBE, he might have crashed and died, perhaps, but he would have died doing something he’d WANTED to do! It’s not a crime to have a bike, and many people have had bikes their entire lives and have survived it. I had no interest in telling him no on that or anything else.
No, CONVERSELY, he may tell ME no — but I know myself — compared to alot of people I’m VERY reasonable and logical, but SOMETIMES I’m just not reasonable in my wants. And it makes sense to me.

I pretty much do what he wants me to do. Why not? He’s not asking me to do anything evil or wicked. He’s not asking me to rob people, he’s not asking me to leave my kids outside in the cold or let them starve. He’s not telling me to do crack. I married a man whose family’s best interest is at the forefront of everything he does. I married a man who’s track record for what accomplishing what he needed to accomplish to be what and where he wanted to be at life is 100%. My point: I can TRUST him to lead me well. He won’t let me fall. He won’t cause me to hurt or do wrong. I have no idea why I’m supposed to not do what he says. He’s not going to cause me to die from doing what he’s asked me to do.

I really think… women’s lack of submission is ludicrous. All throughout history, whether the beliefsystem was Abrahamic or Eastern and polytheist etc etc, men have been heads of households. I OVERstand the fact that women have often been oppressed throughout the history of the human world, and have been treated as cattle. I get it.
But today, in an age and in a country where women DO have choices as to what they can do and what they can do, they have rights to all levels of education, and all fields of employment — what’s so hard about finding a man you can trust that will allow you to have your careers, if that’s what you want, and allow you to reach your levels of education, if that’s what you want? And let him lead?
If you married a man who won’t let you do what you like about these things (and you yourself are not being unreasonable in wanting whatever it is you want), why did you marry that man?
If you married a man that can’t be trusted to handle the finances properly, why’d you marry him?
If you married a man that can’t be trusted to make smart life decisions that benefit your family WITHOUT your input (and even WITH your input), why’d you marry him?
Why marry a man who has different ideas of his goals or successes than you?
You don’t do that.

When a man is trying is damnedest to lead his household and you keep bucking and saying no for no reasonable cause, it’s you who are the problem, not him. You calling him aggressive or controlling, when he’s simply doing his job as a man who wants inherently to be the head of his household — that’s you being the problem. If he hasn’t told you to do bad things, painful things, evil things, and you just bucking for the sake of bucking… you’re the problem.
He’s being a MAN. A REAL man. And men, at many different levels of class, economics and education, are going to want to head up their households however they see fit.
If you don’t like the way that man heads his household, or the direction he’s trying to go — then dont do it. You’re only going to cause everyone pain because to be honest, that’s not what you want. Find a man that wants what YOU want, and is going where you’d like to go. And be happy.

But men are men and that’s how men are.

…I have tried to write this for a month now. Here it is. (I have so many other drafts that I think are boring)

So I finished Parable of the Talents.
And I have to say that the series didn’t fully move me until the second half of the second book. The first book was interesting to the prepper in me, as well as the second book.
*spoiler alert*

but the fact that her belief system was SUCCESSFUL was just so fulfilling for me!
The book says “…it was no accident that the church and the school were the same. They weren’t just the same building. They were the same institution. If the Earthseed Destiny is to have any meaning beyond a distant mythical paradise, Earthseed must be not only a belief system but a way of life. Children should be raised in it. Adults shouldl be reminded of it often, refocused on it, and urged toward it. Both should understand how their current behavior is or isn’t contributing to the fulfillment of the Destiny. By the time we’re able to send Earthseed children to college, they should be dedicated not only to a course of study, but to the fulfillment of the Destiny. If they are, then any course of study they choose cna become a tool for the fulfillment.”

…I love that so very much.
It’s very true. If you have a system of belief, THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD HANDLE IT. Prophetic words. Prophetic words! Build your meeting place, make it the school for the children as well! WHY do we send our children off to these schools when we KNOW we don’t agree with the MAJORITY of the stuff going on over there???

So there’s that. I haven’t given the book back to the library yet. We had a situation — my daughter lost her library card so we had to renew it, and they didn’t remove the books from that old card so that they could be re-checked out under the new card.
It’s overdue.
*sigh* ILL RETURN IT.
When I was a child I would NOT have returned it. SMH

My mother sent her DNA in to 23andme.com and it came back and said the following about her:

84.1% Sub-Saharan African (79.7% of that being West African, the rest being Central and South African)
13% European (6.9% Northern European – British or Irish, and 6.3% Southern European, specifically Iberian)
and 2.4% Native American

Of course my sister’s and mine will vary from that slightly because of our father and the plethora of DNA found on his side.
My mother’s people are very dark skinned people, with high cheek bones. When you see pictures of ancestors their high cheek bones are dominant — then we mated with someone else and after that, the cheek bones in the next generation are recessive — but high.
Their hair is kinky, but soft and fine and fragile.

My mother’s DNA compilation says alot about me — it points out why I’m a sickle cell carrier (Sub-Saharan Africa)…and it points to why I’m A- (RH-), as well!
The Iberian people are Basque — which are the INDIGENOUS people of Southern Europe. This covers places like Spain, Italy…and France — our slave master had a FRENCH last name.
So you already know that the slave master was busy in the slave quarters, raping bedwenches for Basque to be found in there. Basque people are the ones that carry that RH- gene. African people aren’t known for bring RH-. There are a few of us, but not many.
Then the 2.4% Native American — we are sure we know WHICH ancestor that is!! He was kidnapped off the reservation at the age of 5 and was sold into slavery in Texas. He lived his life with an accent and, when slavery ended, didn’t go home. He married a fellow slave from that reservation and they moved off that plantation to another part of Texas, carrying with them that Native American blood, and that Basque blood, and that Sub-Saharan African blood…

And see, when I contacted the Seminole Indian Nation last year, they tried to tell me that slaves that ran away with them lived AMONG them, but that NO, they NEVER intermingled with them. (I was looking for evidence of my ancestor and him disappearing from their reservation in the mid 1800s…there was no record of a raid, according to the person I spoke to) But here’s the DNA analysis basically attesting to the truth.
They charged less than $100 for this DNA analysis. And it WILL amaze you.

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